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Hi San,

Imagine taking B for a walk in a country lane & hiding behind a bush is a drug addict shooting up. What's your immediate reaction ?. Why doesn't he stop, why would anyone live like that ?.The thing is only CGs will truly understand CGs. It's true actually,there's nothing worse than having a CG in the family. We can't change what we are, but we can change what we're going to do in the future. If i let go of that belief  i've nothing left worth fighting for. I can't make your mind up for you as to wether you tell your dad the truth, only you know how he'd react. All i can tell you is sometimes worrying about what others think can sometimes be counter productive in being better. I am what i am ( & o*g its ugly ) but my emphasis is on being better than other peoples judgements or perceptions. 

Kind Regards

AL

Hi Al, thank you so much. I know you struggled with guilt a lot also but you're right, what we do going forwards matters the most. It's easy to break relationships, lose trust, make somewhat devastating feeling for others...and so so hard to build all those back up. However commitment and daily positive choice can get us to better place. ...with time & patience.

Diary,

I find everything difficult again. Gambling wise. I had very real dream last night about having a go at slots again. My rationale prior & during it was plain and simple - self punishment. Don't give a d**n feeling. Suffer more ya useless person feeling.

It's hard to beat myself consciously but even tougher in my dreams. I don't know why I feel like I feel and not sure seeing my parents did me good in this regard however I must remember that I went back in extremely fragile state. ...still in such raw pain and devastation.

A thought about GA passed me again today. There are no meetings around today.  Would I of gone if there were? I am not sure. There is only same and only meeting around 25 miles away which i attended few years back. I stopped going due to one person. I gave my reasons already but today I think that wth, why should I let someone affect me? All this gambling was half time done due to emotional pain created by my reactions to others. Why I let everyone get under my skin is something I cannot figure out...

And now I feel anger...for letting it all unfold the way it did.

I'm truly hurting for making such massive progress with my life this year and now seem like I destroyed all good by one silly decision. I truly feel I cannot recoup what I have lost...that pride for feelingg stronger than i was.

Just for today, please S - do not gamble.

S&B xx

Hi Sandra

Thanks for your kind words. Several years ago I had a kind of live relapse which was embarrassing as I was angry with everyone except myself. I really did empathise with you and I am pleased you are coming out of it. I know it hurts and takes time. I do admire your soul searching though.

I haven’t posted much on my diary because I’m probably avoiding thinking too much, as I make quite a lot of bad decisions in my day to day life, which I am not proud of . I have a lot to change.

However the financial and mental health damage of my last gambling episode was so bad that I think it would finish me off, if I gambled again. Even though I am nearly 4 months gf, the pain of my relapse is still fresh. I pushed myself too the brink, accumulated large debts and it still really hurts. I have got to a point and an age where I just cannot do it again. I don’t feel I have any choice. 

But for proper change, life changes it’s going to be a long journey!

I do hope you have a nice Sunday. And as you say to me be kind to yourself too!

All the best Rob

Hi Rob, thank you so much for your warm and constructive post. I am grateful that somebody out there do understand my present feelings.

This completely destroyed me. Financially, emotionally and spiritually. If i thought my last relapse in February was bad, ...which it was..this surpasses it 10 times. I'm fearful I will not be able to recover ever again. 

I remember telling counsellor that I cannot even think about gambling. It's evil to me. I live with pain the last bound caused. What is also very painful ...is that I gambled a day later after i said these words on my last counselling session. I am so ashamed I am glad I don't need to face her again because I could not talk about this. ..not face to face, it's very raw...very. the shame is greater than pain too.

I am not angry with others. It's more pointed at myself. I let the situation spiral out of control, I brought hater upon myself for being me. I didn't keep my emotions in check....and I guess one of the most painful facts are that I knew the person to the extent and the things i heard being pointed out to me kept dragging me down by the second. There was no turning back at that point. Something snapped in me. The self destruct button was just there in front of me. I just needed to press it. The anger for being "bad" person, "agressor" as it was said, possibly a touch of two faced personality also chucked in the mix. I never in my life thought such bad things about myself, let alone imagined that that's what others sees in me.

And so it's tough. Here I am, thinking I do the right thing for society however turns out, i, myself am on the other side of the fence.

How can you live with yourself repeating the same action expecting different results. Not only gambling associated.

Apologies, I went on one here. There is nothing i can change now, just learn to live with myself, possibly start making more right choices and most importantly, don't let other's words affect me so negatively. Kindness towards myself is not here yet. I hardly see the road ahead, let alone showering myself with kind words or actions. I simply can't.

So it's Sunday. Am off for a few more days. Didn't check work emails but I started thinking about work already. Have to keep strong and continue to enjoy my leave without putting unecessary pressure of work.

Gonna skip gym today. Spent 2 hrs there yesterday and feel it on my back and arms. ..a lot of gardening stuff outstanding and I shall crack on with those. 

And, same as yesterday - no gambling. One minute at a time.

Thank you Rob again for your honest share. Be blessed and stay safe xx

S&B xx

Yes I know where you are right now - feelings of shame and self loathing together with self doubt and question marks about the person you thought that you were. It’s not easy but I am confident that whilst you are seeing the negative traits, which it is not a bad thing to recognise, you are ignoring your good features. Of course you are not feeling able to do that now but I can see you have many. On here you show a caring and honest person who is trying their best to get through. 

Remember you are not really a bad person at all. You have lost your way that’s all. Nobody’s perfect!

Have a good gardening session! I’m watching the cricket. Much less effort!

Thank you for posting kind words on my diary Sandra.

I am sad to read that you are struggling at the moment and sincerely hope you can find solutions to the problems you are faced with.

Life is hard enough as it is but people like us make it even more difficult for ourselves. I really don't know why we choose to put obstacles in our own way but we certainly need to stop doing it.

Take care.

Stephen x 

Thanks Rob & Stephen, hope you're both well.

Diary,

I was contemplating if to go to counselling today. Eventually I persuaded myself and made it over there just one minute late. 

I was honest and expressed that I don't feel this is the right time for me to venture to my past and did disclose my recent relapse and how I am hardly managing with present life which i quite succsessful managed to shatter just two weeks ago. She was very understanding and allowed me to talk about my worries. Here & Now however ties with back then.

I cried and so have a slight headache now but a bit of heavy feeling has lifted. ..which is a blessing.

We talked about goals and I know I haven't got any presently. I achieved what I wanted to achieve in life but that's the problem, i haven't got anything to look forward to. knowing and me being empty handed and without a vision ahead makes it hard to cope with life. It's confusing even me so I don't expect many to understand.

However we uncovered that I actually have a goal - make peace with myself. ....this will tie with past, present and future if I can achieve that.

I concluded with something what means my life to me - I cannot lose HOPE. ..and so I shall continue on this road, just for today.

Time for gardening, gym and a good walk in the woods later on. 

That is about it for this entry. Take care & stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another sunny morning in the UK. Beautiful weather and great for spending time in the garden. Day 3 on gardening mission and I guess i left the most messiest (if that's the word) part till the last - jet washing patio. ..and weeding...

Yesterday proved tougher than I originally thought. Unwanted images from the past were present all day/ evening and I truly wanted to run away to slot machine. Not able to do so online but know few establishments around the area...should really march there and self exclude & Not sure what I'm waiting for.

Been paid today alongside 20hrs of overtime from last month and ..half of that went on taxes...Lol...still, few pennies better than nothing. Thinking to pay CC again...i did put 1k into it few weeks ago. ..fearing im gonna leave myself short if do so again but really want to pay it off...3 days of maddness accumulated unnecessary debt...cant forgive myself for that yet...but it is what it is. 

I thought today how we, as CG manage to survive. Somebody from here told me ages ago that CG are the best at survival techniques. Yes, i guess it's right. ...we cry a lot..but we manage to survive.

Spoke to a friend from overseas last night. Told them all about my present issues. The person is also a therapist so was glad to hear I'm taking the same route to help me put past to rest. It was good to talk ....as always, talking is my saviour...no matter if it's about weather/life/spiritually or struggles....Its good to have someone to talk to and I do miss it a lot...changes game of life completely. Such a massive difference so have someone there to chat to. ....

Right then. No gambling. Little girl walked...gardening in a short while and hopefully gym again later on. Love that outlet and presently it keeps me from complete isolation & hiding under the covers.

Let's keep on pushing on...

S&B xx

Evening diary,

The pain has very slightly eased off which im truly greatful for. ..still live in regret and devastation I have caused to myself but possibly some acceptance is taking place now and I just have to move forward. 

Yesterday was very difficult. Emotional struggles. Almost lost sight of road ahead but again, i am conscious I took a day off from everything yesterday and for me to stop "moving" is just a block for my mental welbeing. I have to keep occupied and that is it.

So today am back on a horse so to speak. Returned to the gym and had a very good session. Then i cooked and took lil girl for a good and peaceful walk. I actually cooked 3 days in a row which is massive change for me...and I never felt so full either..lol..

Also looked at finances. Same old and wage sits there until all the bills will start going out. ..cancelled one of my life insurances too...had quite few on a go by the looks of it as one restarted with work also.....as if my life is worth a lot lol...

Not ready to come back to work. ..mainly cause I don't want to part with my "land seal" B. She has been very good comfort over the last few days and made me laugh & allowed me peace on the walks with her...bath time tonight as she is stinky inky but has to be done since she was rolling and running in high grass and all sorts. 

This holiday wasn't perfect in any way. But that's what I created by my wrong choices few weeks back. I didn't allow myself rest, that stick was truly out to beat myself up every rising morning till late night....It's very easy to undo good work....knowing how hard we work towards that...freedom we're all aiming for. 

Today I haven't gambled. This is good enough for me. I am healthy, i have roof over the head, i have fresh food on the table, i have a job, i have my lil girl (awesme goof ball ?❤?) ....and I have my parents and sister who truly and unconditionally loves me...

This for me, is more than enough.

Blessings.

S&B xx

That’s a nice post Sandra, I am glad you have found a little bit of peace and acceptance. After a relapse it can take longer to recover. My relapse was four months ago. I am nowhere near over it. It was so awful that I just can’t go through it again. I lost all reason betting very high stakes as my need for a higher high and lower low went out of control. I can’t go there again. It would definitely finish me off.

Take your good advice and apply it to yourself. Be kind and gentle to you, as you are definitely worth it! 

Thanks Rob...your support is appreciated, hope you're ok.

Dear diary,

Wasn't able to get out of bed for around 11hrs..felt extremely tired even if slept most of the night.

Am not sure if it's nerves and anxiety rising but suddenly just feel really exhausted and in muscular pain. The only thing I can relate this to and symptoms are truly similar is the kidney infection I had last year. That week or so (after i eventually seemed medical help as couldn't bare it) was the worst I can remember. I would not wish this to anyone as it's extremely painful and exhausting feeling I have ever felt.

Just an hour ago I was planning to go to the gym. Wasn't feeling great but I never do so thought I will brush it off and get in gear...15mins later I hardly managed to keep hands on the steering wheel and just managed to get to the petrol station to fill up for the week...now I'm back to bed...this is no good and couldn't come at the worst time. 

Another thing, i don't think lil girl feels well either. She was turning and tossing and walking round rooms all night, was sick after having brekkies, dragged me back home when I tried to take her for a walk and just laid in bed since. .I dont know what's going on but truly hope we both feel better really soon.

I'm fearful I have no direction and don't know how to move forward. I would like to be in recovery yet I'm so blind I don't even know where to start. ..GA would be a way forward But with shifts, gym & counselling I doubt I would fit it in...I only have two slots in the week for meetings which are 20miles away and with all the above I don't see it working for me to get to every week...but, as they say...where is a will, there is a way. ..very true, i can keep finding excuses or I can keep grabbing the opportunities.

I need to break isolation cycle and get back out there too. I need socialising, my soul asks for it, my being cannot be this alone no more. It's painful, destroying and even more isolating...time is ticking and at 34 it's getting increasingly harder to make that step..

Many things runs through my head now in between this physical pain. ..looks like I cannot allow myself peace...why oh why?

I read something earlier which gave me food for thought and which, from day one I knew to be thruth...

"I sat with anger long enough for her to tell me she is grief"..hurt indeed hurts.

Just for today...please Lord give me some energy, set me free from this pain and allow me some peace and grattitude.

S&B xx

Phew..I felt slightly better and seized the opportunity to go to the gym. .very light session and not even lasted an hour but somehow put a spring in my step a little.

Feeling a bit better physically also so just hope this was something to with what I ate ?..I cooked for 3 days and this body truly is not used to fresh hot cooked meals...who knows...maybe shock reaction lol

Felt anxious earlier but after a chat with adviser feeling better...so strange when a nice positive/ encouraging word can change so much huh...

Now anxiety returning and I doubt I will be gifted with sleep tonight...lil girl snores her head off so at least one of us rests huh..

I cannot stop thinking about finances...it took me over 2 years to go from zero to 8k debt...crept up with every lapse which got bigger and more destructive each time.

I started this journey 6 years ago. Little debt... 2 years later I not only paid it off...but took a pay cut with work as changed hours...and also....managed to save up for deposit for the house! How is this even possible?..I saved up for it in two years...very hard work and even harder/more careful budgeting for outgoings...and I remember recovery wasn't perfect either as I had few slips in that time...but i did it through my own sweat, dedication, belief and clear vision.

So fast forward....two years and I am in more debt than I ever imagined..I'm absolutely gobsmacked here.

I'm on even lower income now too with further commutes and my spendings (bills) are just making ends meet with the wage. How I suppose to even pay the debt back?

I think tonight has hit me right over this mug like no tomorrow. Realisation of this addiction and how quickly it can tumble down..how quickly it's surreal.

Its progressive..very much so. I see it clearly and it's so so scary. 

If I will not make a change and put positive steps in action I will become nothing. ..I will not be a person any more.. this is horrendous.

I found it very difficult the other day when sister visited. I do need a fence panel putting in...she said "wait till you get a bit of payrise and sort it out"..It made me cry inside..truly did..she is not aware of what I have done and that I could of put at least 20 of those panels just few weeks ago..

It's hard to suffer in silence.

But i must do something to help me build my future somehow. Pay this off no matter how long it will take and how hard I will have to work to help the ends meet.

Reflection is good.. I see clearly what I have done. Now i need to sort this mess out.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Spoke too soon last night and looks like i do have a infection..Twist turn, up for water/toilet and swallowing painkillers like sweets. ..nightmare..

Early this morning I promised myself I will not keep myself suffering as I did last time and no way I will numb the pain with painkillers till Monday when I probably could see a doctor....

So all the brave face on I made my way to work. Caught up with all the tasks and updates and by midday was quite happy with my progress. Pain has resurfaced as I guess painkillers worn off....so off I made my way to A&E. 10mins & pee in a tube later, not forgetting an excellent service by staff I was on my way with a prescription of antibiotics in my hand.

This, my friend ...is showing kindness to myself. ...all together my attitude changed about many things since yesterday's chat...I am worthy, i am indeed a good person...and I do my best to stay in a game of this life..and I shall keep doing so going forwards! 

More positivity, easier journey ahead.

No gambling....back to lil girl for the rest of the day...nice chicken meal and early beddy time so I'm refreshed and ready to tackle the world tomorrow ?

And oh...what a lovely song...from the most loveliest & inspiring movie too....Spirit ...❤

https://youtu.be/civgUOommC8

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary!

Ohhhh...what a long day...and how hot it was! Sizzling is not a word! But a good day indeed..very productive and quite...relaxed...for me, as I usually am a walking nerve wreck ??

Besides I knew my girl is close by which just put my heart at ease....and lifted spirits up!

I think it's this medication for the infection ?...something is to good to be true in how I feel lol

Tried an early night last night but girl woke me up at 20:00 to let her out...fair enough I thought...let her out so she can run and do zoomies in the garden lol...seriously, couldn't make this up! At least she slept afterwards all night!

Can't wait for the gym tomorrow before work...but for now, food and more rest...need to catch up on Zzzzzzz...saying that, started a new book...Le Grand Meaulnes (? thanks for the suggestion) which actually sent me to sleep pretty well lol...so much to understand to the story & follow up that it tires ya out ?

Anyhoo...all is good! NO GAMBLING! Hooray -i shall take that for today!

Stay safe all -blessings

S&B xx

Hi Sandra

You are doing really well. Keep strong and believing in yourself. It’s not always going to be easy but with all the blocks in place and an eye on the misery that gambling causes, you can and will move forward without defaulting to gambling when you get a knock. One day at a time. Best wishes Rob