...

Thank you so much Sis, Amom and Smartie. ..the messages were very emotional to read but they calmed me down and gave me reassurance. ..thank you from the bottom of my heart ((((((((all)))))))))

Day 3 and am feeling tired. Its beautiful morning but part of my self care elements is sleep and so I shall trade warm sunny day for it. 

Emotionally I'm still hurting but maybe a bit better than yesterday.

Been a toughie shift & quite emotionally challenging...but am back to my lovely lil girl and so I shall take her peace and calmness she  shares so freely and count my blessings....

Thank you all again....your thoughts/ words today truly made difference for the better.

Stay safe & blessed 

S&B xx

Well done on installing Gamban… we just have to keep putting up barriers progressively making it harder for ourselves to gamble. We just have to do it, however begrudgingly. If this action stops you gambling next time you have the urge then that's fantastic!

We can bloody well do this!!!

Happy days are here to come!!!  🙂

Thanks S.A...as annoying as it is..I damned myself for installing blocks because simple escape would of been the best thing in my confused mind...

But obvs I didn't..blocks works.

Thank You for your kind words tho  hope you're well.

So diary,

You know when you go 100mph and suddenly get to the stop..that's how it feels. I held my brave face on, i faces challenges, went to work, dealt with some crappy stuff....but held on..

Today...Today I collapsed.i knew this is coming. I cannot keep brave heart for long. I simply knew it's day off and so...I let it all go...I cried, collapsed on kitchen floor thinking what my life has become and more  importantly - how to move forwards...

My girl appeared by my side. She got her head in between my hands holding my face...she hugged me...and stayed close to me..she sensed...i don't mind scratch marks...i know she tried to comfort me..that paw on my shoulder, her head on my neck...it's hard to find comfort as this huh...i guess just a loved one to tell you "what the heck...get yourself off the floor"...still in caring manner.

Si it's been tough...but in a way it enabled me to feel the feelings. ..feelings I held on brace face on for a week...Today -i let it go. Not the best way...but had to be let out.

I want to gamble. I'm upset I can't...that's the gamblers mindset....it's still pumping through my blood...

Sigh...

I just hurt today..the aftermath of the binge gambling...you want it? You can get it but I wouldn't advice, it's soul destroying. Make that right choice now dear fellow struggling soul...

S&B xx

Hi... I agree that it is annoying that you can't gamble when you want to... but its for the best. We easily forget how awful it feels to gamble away are hard earnt money on top of all the unhappiness we might already be feeling... the intense feeling to gamble will pass with time..

Hugs ((( ))) S.A 🙂

Hey Sandra

Yes the emotional outpouring follows a binge, for sure. I’ve been there many times. In fact even though I am more than 100 days gf, I have so much inside needing to find an outlet.I am glad you had your cry and moment. 

So it’s a long process coming off this drug, which as you demonstrated has a life of its own and once it is in full swing is so hard to stop even if we want to stop. You do deserve much better- you clearly have a lot to offer. Keep strong. One day at a time x

Thanks guys, Really appreciated. Some uplifting wisdom there...

Diary,

I wrote a letter to gambling addiction today...well, we kind of had a chat. As crazy as it sounds, i had to put on paper what awaits for me if I carry on on this path. Plain and simple - death...i dont want to be a statistic...stop must be put on those. We are not numbers, we are human beings. We have addiction which is more powerful than life itself. That's the reality.. very scary reality indeed. ..

I went to the gym today. Got some frustration out. I think I run at the speed of a athlete but it was generated from anger and devastation I currently feel. ..for lapsing...for the feelings it has brought back up. .not nice, pretty devastating in fact.

It's day 5 g free. Blocks are in place and today I don't want to self destruct. Somehow today gave me a break. ..just taking it easy and steady...saying that, i communicated on here a lot. Talking helps...its an distraction and its a course of new learnings.

Lil girl by my side. We both had a good day outdoors...plus chase and ball play...I am continuing to give her the time she lost 5 days ago..when I was zombified and in another world.

Still hurt but today the pain is more manageable. I am regaining hope...this is a progress indeed.

Blessings

S&B xx

Dear diary,

Please allow me to talk about my dog...my angel.

I continue to love her more with each passing day. I also don't like goodbyes. ..yet I have to leave her for a while. This is a struggle for me. Very rarely I leave her for more than 16hrs.. (depending on shift)...she stays with my sis and her lil cousin  when I have a long one...

Days passes, and its months for her...just like that. I notice much more grey hair on her pretty face...it hurts me really....I know time is ticking and  it breaks my heart...already.

And so i find myself in difficult position. I don't want to leave her for 4 days. She is my life, my daily source of energy. ..I already miss her without even leaving..does it makes sense?

My colleague told me few days ago..."animals has capability to destroy...but look how they behave, instead of having you chewed in pieces, they choose love,  surrender to human being...they choose to stay beside you..love you, stay loyal to you, protect you."

This Couldnt be more true. My girl has capacity to destroy me in seconds...yet, she shows love and care, she makes a choice.....gentleness..what an amazing creatures huh...how you cannot love them?

I owe her a lot. ...most of my early 30's for sure. She saved me from death. And that is not something I say lightly...i love my girl, same as i love everything about them all...those four legged angels...

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Day 6 since my binge gambling. Today for the first time in almost two weeks I pushed myself to look back at how it all started.

How my reaction has started the wheels rolling to the events which followed.

I guess many of us has traits we don't really like about ourselves.  I guess we also work at those so the change can take place.

What about if person don't realise they have such harmful traits?..I don't think I realised until it was pointed out at me.

To be honest my hands are shaking now typing this. It's quite painful realisation. 

I am a aggressor and I didn't know it. Perpetrator/ manipulative person. Person who usually is taken away from society to prevent harm.

I can argue such traits were developed throughout my life as a self defence mechanism however it's not really an excuse is it. We are shaped to the people we become through experiences..however there is always that silver lining which you shouldn't cross.

Yes, i do have arrogance within me. I don't like this trait esp when it starts rearing its ugly head out.

Sometimes it's a bit too much to chew for me. The reality spoken out to me has destroyed me on the spot. What do you do with "bad" people. You eliminate them from this battle of life...and so what I tried to do, in the way of gambling because oh that is the perfect punishment which can quite easily finish you off quickly.

I don't want to be a bad person. I don't know when and how I become one. I don't know how to become better person and its all basically just one big confusion and open gaping wound with million questions and self beatings.

I am not violent person and I wouldn't raise my hand unless I absolutely need to to protect myself or other and if it's justifiable.

Am I a keyboard warrior? Is it how I let the anger and frustration out? Who am i becoming and why?

I can hurt myself by gambling all I like..it does the job but it's still not changing me as a person...a better person. It quite opposite makes me hate myself more.

It's all very messed up. I don't know where to start to try and begin healing within.

Again, my apologies to all involved parties I harmed and upset in my life.

S&B xx

Sigh..there are two posts pending and yet I need to talk some more dear diary. I'm sorry admin it takes so much of your time to read/ approve them....

Diary,

I'm very nervous wreck last few hours. I just sat looking through window for the past hour. ..crying. I don't even have a comfort of my gorgeous girl by my side and everything seems very lonely/ quiet/ empty.

I usually get these panic bouts before flying. Don't like that way of travel...and now, i still feel so wrecked emotionally and mentally, i don't know where to turn.

I keep thinking if to tell my parents how I truly messed my life up. ..to come out of this shell at the age of 34...failure..never been able to manage my life...depressed, alone, struggling, lost.

I am almost certain what my dad would do. Hand on heart - he would sell up the flat to dig me out. I know I'm not in that much debt but I guess they have no savings and this would be the best course of action for them. ..then he would be extremely dissapointed too.

Parents wants the best for the children don't they. To the outside world I live truly good life. Own house, dream job, health...

Look a little inside and you see that I'm in debt struggling to get the ends meet..my job is the biggest stress I ever experienced...and I have no health..at least no mental health. ..it always seems that grass is greener on the other side huh...but what goes on behind closed door?

I honestly don't think I can open up to parents...but I know that they will sense something is up seeing me...over the years I become rubbish at hiding feelings and pain. I think it shows...mainly in my eyes. ..add recent weiggt loss and boom...there is no secret no more. You cannot pull wool over parents eyes. ...

But if I told them what is actually going on..God...it would ruin them..destroy their already fragile health. ..and so I cannot do it to them. 

I will smile and tell how difficult it all is...but....manageable. that's how I always respond. ..their little girl always manages her life...how else would it be like huh..

If not last week's fiasco I would of went with pain of my past trauma giving me grief knowing that I'm slowly sorting it out....now, tables got turned, i have that and almost zero hope to get it sorted with counsellor, plus all the gambling debt and feelings of worthlessness on top. Really bad timing...really was not needed to put myself in such position.

Breathe....don't let it get to you...breathe S..

Dear Sandra. I hope you are ok.

It makes me feel sad to read of the pain and anguish you are experiencing.

I really have no idea what to write but wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you and that I have asked the Angels to bring you comfort and give you guidance.

Please treat yourself with kindness, understanding and respect.

Love and best wishes from your friend and fellow traveller ... Stephen x

Hi Stephen..thanks for your thoughts..no sweat ok..all is well..as well as it can be in circumtances given anyway...

Like new colour on the forum..no so familiar with new logo tho..

So,..all I ok as no gambling. Had quite bad leg injury trying new gym out..lol, my luck to split leg open by tripping over machinery ??..painful stuff but it is what it is!

Got a "proud of you" from Mummy...made my day or two...so guess that is it for now..nothing new to report...

Pain from recent lapse -massive. Need much more time to recover from that one.

Stay strong all...life is for living. Just do it!

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another day gamble free. In all fairness this last relapse has broken me completely. I just fail to get back up emotionally. Anything I do, anywhere I go...it's always in front of my mind. It's the devastation and possibly disbelief that I cannot control my emotions and am just reacting to stuff instead of standing back, giving myself a minute and weighing my options.

This time I have also taken a massive financial hit. So both - mental state and managing to survive goes hand in hand in my current existence.

This last relapse also taken me the closest to leave this life. I had no plans...I had to see parents first. Deep down I already knew this somehow will be my last course of action. See parents, hug them..say goodbye...maybe for the last time.

After spending few days with them, i got a bit hope back. Almost planning ahead with work, home life which is truly positive to my broken mind.

My mum gave me a ring. Only now I find out that the ring resembles my birth. Looks like my dad gifted it to her when I was born. I remember the ring. It's very beautiful...gold with massive gem in the middle. I am not gonna wear it however. Even if it fits my tiny fingers.

What shocked me was the first thought entering my mind when my mum passed it to me.. "what is the value of this ring". It's unbelievable that I thought about material/financial things instead of how sentimental this beautiful piece of jewellery should be. I wasn't thinking of pawning it but still...I wasn't happy with my reaction at all...another reason to beat myself up huh...that's all I seem to do recently.

I'm also a bit down due to the injury I sustained yesterday. Even if I work my arms as i mainly do weights I don't really see myself hopping to the gym for a workout. Gym has seen me through good and bad this past year. No matter how much I had to push myself to go some days, i always came out stronger mentally and physically. More alert and refreshed. Gym has become massive part of my life...a clutch I reach out for I guess.

Few days ago I watched world go by. I sat waiting for the info about my flight gate and watched people walk past. I was almost in a trance I must say. Beautiful music blaring in my ears and so many souls passing by ...minding their own lives...dealing with their own problems. I was thinking what each and every person's story is. What stage of their life they find themselves in. It was very interesting for me for some reason. ..and weirdly I didn't feel so alone...

I have reached the lowest part of my life 're socialising I think. I truly isolated myself to the place of no return as I sometimes do believe that. I can't see a way back into society...having friends or enjoying days out. If i didnt have my lil girl I believe I would be worse. She is great company and I do love her a lot...but I truly feel pain that I'm walking this path of life alone. ..I shouldn't..nobody should as life is for exchanging good and bad...having people around you, talking, laughing, crying, planning and so on...it's for sharing.

My biggest thank you for GC team who actually truly and unconditionally were here for me after my relapse. They almost raced to support and offer advice and ..it did help. I know I am as stranger as you're for me, but all your support never went unnoticed during the most toughest week of my life.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring but for today, i will try and stay calm and hopefully slow this mind of mine to the peaceful enough place where i can simply enjoy here and now.

If I will not forgive myself for my mistakes, i will continue making my life difficult. So even if slight improvement and kindness to myself takes place today, i will be more than greatful.

Blessings, stay safe all

S&B xx

@Rob71 ....cannot find your thread. Just wanted to thank you for your recent support. Means a lot and is truly appreciated. 

Hope you're being kind to you. Keep winning, one day at a time.

Much blessings

S&B xx

Afternoon diary,

Another day g free. Am not even sure how many days now,..not much I guess..

So, managed to hop to the gym. Do feel like a troop getting to my goal broken legs or not. ..on the other hand it's like concentration camp but why I'm moaning here huh ??...it was good session and I feel refreshed.

I'm nervous today as need to catch another plane. I truly missed my little girl even if was sent videos about her days with her cousin. I'm also sad to leave parents. Overall it's quite sad day and everyone is a bit quiet. ...thinking, preparing for goodbyes. My dad will cry again and it usually breaks my heart...such a strong man and to see his heartache always catches me off guard. Same with mummy...

But i will see them again...there is never a place like home. ..i just don't know where my home is anymore as i lived half of my life in UK. ..so it's mixed feelings. 

For some it would be amazing to have two homes but there is a lot more to take in consideration..the heartache having to leave loved ones behind...not see them often.

Anyhoo...I'm rattling away here. A day full of deep thought.

On a positive note, i recovered with my sleep. It took me a week but I feel back on track. The shifts are truly killers and I'm not looking forward to get back to that routine, but it is what it is and at this point i cannot pick and choose.

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

Diary,

I am actually shocked a little. My dad and taxi driver started conversation about gambling...not sure how it all started and my dad's opinion almost sent me to hell and back..

He said " there is no worse thing than having a gambler in the family, ..in no time you would only have bare walls left"..

It actually sent shivers down my spine. ..I AM THAT PERSON. I AM A GAMBLER...and I had no nerve to come clean to him :-(...I mentioned debts but not how I racked them up.. 🙁

I remember very clearly the peak of gambling. I actually spoke to the adviser from here...I cried crocodile tears and said " I cannot stop"...such simple words brings massive reality over...I couldn't stop whatsoever..somebody had to physically drag me away from computer then. I was aware of it..yet...I couldn't stop...and I didn't stop for the following 3 days.....and I'm not sure what made me to stop..up til now -i do not know..

I'm very ashamed of who I am..