...

Thinking of you Sandra.

Hugs & Prayers ?

Cathyx

hey, S

I'm not on here much these days. Just stopping by to say hi and I hear you, regarding the isolation. Things are better for me than they were, but I'm still too reliant on the same couple of friends yet wary of opening up to other people. I suppose what I'm saying is, it's not a rare thing to struggle with, it's partly modern life, many are living quite alone lives. It's genuinely hard to make new friends as an adult.

I really hope your health gets sorted out, maybe it has forced you to take some rest.

Take care,

f x

Awww, thank you ladies..

Yup..health wise doesn't look good. They're still looking into issue but it's taking time. Presently I'm put on strict diet...porridge, milk, herbal teas....I don't even feel hungry to be honest, just fear the weight will drop off even more now.

No smoking or alcohol allowed.  Smoke...well, I can't just get rid of that this easy...alcohol..yes...it was the main issue creating my present state I believe...plus some stress.

I'm on million tablets a day and most of the time I spend sleeping.

Today however I woke up....

Looked up GA meeting...but then...I just went on my old battered phone and gambled instead.

I don't think I can get out of this trap anymore if I'm honest. I'm in too deep to even try digging myself out.

Health c**P, work troubles, financial troubles...yet...I am carrying on on destroying myself.

Life of a gambler huh....May Lord saves my spirit somehow...if it's still possible & repairable.

S&B xx

Whilst awaiting release of the post I shall write some more. Wasn't able to get through to speak to someone and when I eventually did..it felt like talking to a brick wall....sorry...but seriously..person seemed to have zero interest in whatever I had to say. ..

Resting the case.

So am starting to feel. Emotional slide down. It took me 5 days to go back to my old ways. Just how rapidly it all escalated. I think I had 3 separate occasions with gambling in July. Very bad. Finances are very bad too. 

Scariest thing is, I m here and am functioning..yet, I go away for a while, get in my head, get bored or stressed, get in "the mood" and bam....I'm straight away gambling. I have no resilience left. 

With every slip is harder to get back up. I'm not in touch with reality. Tears will not help...promises won't help...I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of trying. ..it's just not working. 

I came here 6 years ago broken, and I will be leaving even more broken. How is this recovery? It's not. 

There is no cure. You can't do it alone. You can't expect miracles...even if one would be the best thing happening to me now....

I am indeed drowning in this mess I so quickly created. 

Hey SB, I hope you don't mind me commenting on your post with me being so new here, but I clicked on "recent posts" and yours came up. I read the backstory and with respect, gambling isn't your issue.

It is a symptom. I have a personality disorder and cPTSD. I feel you in your diary. 

I suggest you go to your GP and be honest/open about your current struggles. 

Heartfelt best wishes,

Friedkin 

Thanks all,

I am not able to break the cycle anymore. I think I was this way before I found this site which was over 6 years ago. Now, however the scale is a lot larger with more devastating consequences. I don't know who I am anymore.

One minute I have clarity of gambling being so damaging and not healthy...the next - I frantically search sites to get my fix.

Just how quickly it all can tumble down..I shattered every little last strenght & resilience I had.. When (& if) I manage to get out of this fog I shall face the music I never faced before.

Wanting to stop must be the strongest feeling in the world. If you will not have that - you will keep finding gaps in blocks you put in place.

Presently I cannot count myself as human being. I'm someone very selfish and consumed in pipe dream of chasing losses.

S&B

Hi diary,

Not sure why it takes this long for the post above to be published..but it is what it is.

.so, day 2 no gambling. Still extremely early days and my mind is still in a mess but again, I said this before, we all need to start somewhere.

Yesterday I had horrible urges for a drink. I knew that my present physical health is a lot to do with alcohol however in this knowledge and knowing how much medication I take daily to soothe the pain, I had few bottles of beer regardless. Prime example of doing something so damaging to you and being aware of what you do. Still cannot explain why I didn't fight the urge off better but again, it is what it is, I cannot change it now.

I also felt calmer last night. Managed to concentrate enough to watch two movies! Kongfu panda & Dumb & dumber 2...

I also managed to complete few tasks off my work board even if I am not working presently. Very unpleasant phone chats which gave me right earache from both parties and made me think how we sometimes don't like to hear what we are being told.

Strangely it brought me back to here and people trying to get through to you but you simply dont like what you hear and so fight back with your own beliefs and knowledge not having enough understanding of how the process works..recovery process I mean. I have to admit I don't understand it and so I do it my way which always results in failure...more upset to me.

I do however have a incline of recovery from AA days. Recovery can only work with commitment, openness and honesty. Honesty mainly with yourself. This "core ingredient"  sadly dissapeared from me over the time. I'm not honest enough with myself to accept my actions and consequences I create. 

Gambling is very slippery slope. I went down it recently. I'm right at the bottom all muddy and grazed.  Climb back up must start sooner or later. I will not give myself deadlines...however i will not be too easy on myself either...but also not too hard. I shall try and find balance and honesty within myself to enable me to get back up and try again.

Baby steps for sure...baby steps.

S&B xx

Strangely it brought me back to here and people trying to get through to you but you simply dont like what you hear and so fight back with your own beliefs and knowledge not having enough understanding of how the process works..recovery process I mean. I have to admit I don't understand it and so I do it my way which always results in failure...more upset to me.

You've been fighting this long enough Sandra.

Surrender. 

You don't have to live like this.

You are worth so much more.

Cathy?

Thank you my lovely....I'm struggling for words today, everything is a little overhelming again. ..

Last night had massive trigger regarding the past. Dear oh dear just how quickly it can take over..the anger, the tears, the self blame. Misinterpret conversation and i can just go off on one in seconds and that's what happened. 

It resulted in many tears. I actually cried myself to sleep and am enjoying puffy eyes today...joy of joys!

I'm seeing counsellor today, will deffo touch on the subject of "trust" and how I deal with the same. Not much progress been made over the years on this subject, maybe now is time to dig a bit deeper.

Had urges last night. I am a member of probably 5 sites I found going round the Gamstop. My eyes lit up of the thought last night of another flutter but was soon dimmed with acknowledgement that I installed GamBan on every device I have. ...with sinking feeling (not being able to gamble)..the urge also dissapeared and that was it...so yes, blocks does help and am thankful for them today.

Over the last few days I was thinking of writing a apology letter/email to my friend I didn't speak to for over 2 years. But then I thought ....rejection... I also thought that I'm not in the place to do so yet as I'm not in recovery...then i thought maybe I need to put some time g free behind me so my thoughts are at least clear of gambling and then I thought, would it make things worse...so a lot of thoughts really, maybe I should let the lions sleep..am not even sure why I started thinking about the contact, I am very confident friendship wouldn't be rekindled which ...as it stands to my understanding is the best for both parties...but i just wanted to present an honest account and apology.

I read my diary A lot this morning. Early days, start of this journey...apart from So many spelling mistakes, I had different mindset too. A bit of vulnerable but hopeful person. I was like 27 but felt like a kid. ..sometimes I do still feel like a kid and believe it's one of my traits I should grow out of. I'm not a kid, far off. ..I'm middle (gulp) age woman! Responsible for my actions.

I have changed over the years so much. Many good things happened and I achieved so much it's unreal. I should be so proud of myself ...and i am....

Whilst walking lil lady today I felt greatful for what I have. Things could be so much worse. Finances can get back on track. It will take time but with my own commitment and effort I can get back on straight and narrow.

I feel better physically however im on medication. As GP said we need to see how I get on after finish the course. If pain comes back, then scans and endoscopy will have to be performed..I cannot foresee this so shall wait and see how I get on.

So...not so little thoughts from this woman with few words huh...feel like I dumped a lot out of this head today. 

I truly miss the posters who welcomed me into this place. So so many of them were my strengh and encouragement. ..I also hope they all do well. ..I know few of them are living fullfilling lives...and the ones I don't get in contact with, I can only wish and hope that all is well and they're enjoying the freedom recovery gifts.

That's it from me...but lastly..

I'm reading news daily....

I wanted to send my thoughts to all involved and all the country whilst they go through this difficult time following the events of pure hater and tragic actions...stay together and United El Paso, Texas and Dayton, Ohio...prayers your way ?.

S&B xx

Hello Sandra. Wishing you well over the coming week.

Thank you for posting on my diary. Your support, encouragement and advice is always greatly appreciated.

Take good care of yourself.

Stephen x 

Hi diary & thank you Stephen,..

I am ok, thank you. Had my counselling session which was quite emotional and to the point very personal but I feel it did the world of good to me. 

From trust to self evaluation, from past to here & future. I have learned a lot about myself. Didn't have a session of thoughts bouncing off each other for a while. It's good to talk, its good to exchange the understanding of everything and put things into perspective.

When I, at one point got frustrated with myself about not being able to be "normal" and go out socialise, share....because its so simple thing to do..so natural thing to do...my counsellor put me right back on the ground...."It's ok to feel like you feel, its understandable and it's not easy".

I felt like someone understood me. How much of my present stems from the past I cannot tell, however traits are here and visible. Uncertainty, fear of rejection, lack of trust, holding back feelings, pushing others away., lack of self respect.

It is a long road ahead. ..but I need to put a guard down a little with self expectations. I do my best and that's enough. I will find that balance, that middle..the point where i feel comfortable within myself and the outside world, relationships,..life.

I was also reminded how much I achieved so far. How much that little girl achieved and how little is needed to feel complete. Little but very important stuff in life.

It was a good session, truly helped me to see myself in different light and also made me feel more relaxed with everything...no perfection & No control over everything...what a beautiful acknowledgement to have.

Come back to little girl and took her to the big park again. She had a ball!!! Bless her, she so loves to run and be free!

Also...topping on the cake was a call from GC. Took me by surprise but was so so appreciated. One of my obstacles is English language. I still do berate myself over it not being perfect. However today I felt really at ease. Don't think I felt such joy speaking to someone before lol...extremely easy going conversation even if i don't know the person. So thank you...its very appreciated.

Today has ended on the up. Emotional and teary but also very educative. 

I just feel I am a person who belongs to be on this earth. For me....this realisation is massive push forwards. Energy for soul to continue on this road and belief to the heart in continuing to uncover the best gifts in this life...there are plenty ?

Happy to be me and have this opportunity to make changes ahead.

S&B xx

Morning diary,

Another day is here. Feel a little sad about the finances as checked bank again and it's there on black and white...I'm in red on CC. Seing gambling transactions only really gives me a shake and I am honestly in a little disbelief about all this.

I cannot change it now so have to accept that those couple of trips of madness provided me this consequences  and I need to sort it out...again, through hard work and dedication to abstinence/recovery.

Thankfully I have roof over the head. Still hold a job (I weirdly miss already), have this beautiful girl I love more with every waking moment and I have family. I also have health, which wobbled a lot recently but I'm regaining strengh and am pain free for the last couple of days. The matter remains unsolved tho and I'm dreading the day I finish medication and God forbid...pain returns. Years and years of damage I caused to my body has caught up with me...Now I discovered breakfast and healthier diet I feel I'm looking after myself a bit more...but the question is if it's not too late for that now.

Anyhoo...I'm here. Pushing through this fog and looking ahead. Regaining strengh and back on a horse with gym. Talking about my issues with the counsellor and putting some pieces together. ..this is small progress but progress netherless.

Spoke to my AA sponsor today. Well, she was my sponsor fee years ago. Good to hear she is doing really well and is continuing with sobriety. We arranged a catch up some time this month...a lot to talk about as a lot has changed. Sounds like she made a lot of changes in personal life and is also a grandmother now! Such joy and I actually feel very happy for her ?

While I type this...slight burning in my stomach returns. It fills me with dread, I honestly don't want to experience this pain again. It's agonising...sigh..

I shall ring parents, get myself to the gym for easy session, cook a healthy veg soup on return, take lil one out on the big park I am so greatful I found and ..and just call it a day again I suppose.

GP for another matter tomorrow but I can't run from myself any longer huh. Needs must.

I watched quite inspiring video yesterday. Cannot remember the speaker but it made a lot of sense. ..it's about burn out and depression. ..about viewing your life and most important sectors in it in the form of balls we juggle...family, health, job, friends, spirit..job is a rubber ball, it will bounce back if you drop it however the rest...they will crack, get chipped or even break if you drop them. The message sent was clear and for me is quite important to prioritise the mist important ones and balance these out so I can avoid another breaking point in future...also, "depressed - deep rest"..that's exactly what it is. We tend to stick label on our feelings too soon sometimes...nourishing body & mind, giving them enough rest to recover is the best medicine out there...everything boils down to self care and balance. Such simple things to understand but quite difficult to put in practice.

So that's me today. No gambling, starting to get senses & sanity back.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another day is here. Forecasts sunny one which is a positive. 

Yesterday got really wound up about work. Got quite snotty email from top top top boss implying that I didn't complete one course which was asked to do ages ago and it's not if I wasn't aware as 100's of emials were flying around about it. It also said that if i won't complete it by 10th August i will need to explain the reasons and my actions to line manager and also top boss..

This send me on a roundabout or two. I was quite upset as I remember completing & passing the course as soon as I saw first email. That was back in April. 

And so I fired up my old and battered laptop to log in and see for real. There it was - certificate clearly stating me passing the course in April. I emailed back the explanation and almost suggested to revise their data collation as it should show me on it.

Didn't like the feeling it brought at all. Felt accused and useless. There was no need to CC another top (est) man in email either. 

Rant over. 

Feeling better physically thank God. Medication works and still got a week to finish them off. How I will go from there, need to wait and see. I am loosing weight tho. I knew I will as this diet...well...I might as well chomp on the grass to get my vitamins and that's it lol. Baby food accompanied with yogurts (not lovely tasty yogurts with banana or strawberry flavour...oh noooooo.... it's those bleugh ones ..natural ones) and few fruits a day..

Now, I am a woman of meat alright! I need potato, bread, big fat fried steak with loads of sauce & salad on the side. And then a big sweet slice of dessert..a cake possibly!

On the flipside tho...look at me complaining about food huh..there are so many people out there not having anything to eat at all..I should be ashamed. ?? I shall take the above back. I am greatful to have at least something to put in this stomach.

Another rant over...I'm full of those today.

Best try and get on with the day. GP lined up and maybe another light session at the gym. The issue is, if I won't recoup calories after the sessions I will keep dropping this weight off like no tomorrow. ..and a bowl of porridge will not make that back up huh. 

No gambling. I think I'm almost a week free..God grand me the serenity to accept the thing I cannot change, courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference. ...May try and look into this prayer to understand the meaning of it better.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hiya... I relate to your work stress. The last manager we had all she seemed to care about was whether you'd completed your online training and attended all the courses... because it impacted upon her, her figures, her targets and climbing the career ladder. You soon realized that she didn't really care about you as a person. I guess as a manager you've got so many responsibilities that its easier to send out a snotty email rather than double checking whether the employee has done the training or not. The world of work is s**t really isn't it! 😉

Steak, potatoes and strawberry yoghurt is the way forward!! 😉 x

Well done on gamble free time

Thank you SA..very appreciated thoughts xx

Dear diary,

I'm without place today. Very anxious. From waking up just feel so on the edge. It's been a while but I am actually struggling to even face outside today. We had quite short walk with lil girl because I was fearing an attack from other dogs?!? ..there were no dogs around but in my mind I expected them around the corner..every bark from neighbouring properties sent me shivers tjat a dog is gonna get out through the gate chase after us...WTH is going on??

I'm anxious about work. Coincidence or not, I read a lot about what has been going on over there recently. ..so I'm even more anxious now. ..just expecting the world to end at any moment.

I also spoke to my girls I studied a lot last year. ..we were a great bunch...never got into trouble and were geezers really..learned hard, supported each other and pulled each other up when was needed..had a laugh and let ourselves go free on free time with weekend P**s ups and just general relaxing days outdoors...

I haven't seen any of them for almost a year..we all work different shifts and have different time off accordingly.

We hold responsible jobs. Only yesterday i found out that they too...struggle. they too cry and already broke down in front of colleagues...i always thought its only me...every time i am asked if i enjoy my job i reside in silence. I dont want to lie and most importantly I don't know what to say..I can't identify the feeling. Whilst everyone around me is "smiling & clapping" I see a bit deeper into it. ....

Yesterday 3 of the girls shared that they cannot identify the feelings either...we all have good and bad days I guess. We all made mistakes and we all saw a share of scarring stuff. ..yesterday I didn't feel alone in my feelings. ...it's ok to feel what I feel....and its ok to struggle sometimes.

Back to today. What I'm gonna do if this feeling persists? I am struggling to go even to the gym. It consists of facing people huh...and straight away my chest tightens, heart beats excessively and I shake again.

Anxiety can come and go..at any time, without a reason. ..I just want to identify why I'm feeling this way. A trigger possibly? Is it cause I know I have to be out of my comfort zone tomorrow?...

Breathe.....

No gambling but tbh I have urges...I would like that escape here and now. I can't. ..and it wouldn't help in the long run. I know that.

Minute at a time

S&B xx