So I just told sister I relapsed and gambled past month...few weeks ago.
Don't know how to manage these feelings and what is worse....look of dissapointment in her eyes or exclamation of " o*g Sandra, are you still at it?".
I just sank in shame and ran away for the cigarette...absolutely didn't want to get this conversation further..at least she knows now why I'm struggling financially and cannot afford activities offered...or properly look after myself.
Difficult feelings..but at least she talks to me.
Not pleasant...not pleasant...so so dissapointed in myself and my recent actions. ?
However coming clean to her (for the second time) was necessary. It ate at me inside. Now at least I can face up to the extent of damage I have created in real time & real world.
S&B xx
Hey diary,
Found these lovely words in overcoming section. Bless your heart Jac (the user), thank you for sharing, it is something which is so true and helped me hugely in my recovery.
Yesterday today and tomorrow
"There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its blunders, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. Until it does, we have no expectations in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only; one day - TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and i add the burdens of these two awful eternities - yesterday and tomorrow - that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad - it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Beautiful quote! And so worth remembering ?
Today has been testing. Even if sister rang to check in how I'm doing, I still feel that shame and change in our bond my recent revelation created. But it is what it is, just have to keep making that right choice going forwards.
Feeling knackered today. Having a turnaround of shifts and to be honest not sure what day we are in. Gotta get ready and dash out again shortly. Already can't wait till morning when I'm back home..lol..Wishing my life away and look at the above..yet we can hope huh.
Gym proved to be taught today. I'm just in pain. Maybe over did it..
It also hurts to leave my girl tonight. She usually goes in her spot in her room "window watching" and all I can see before get in a car is two lil ears...(well, one and a half) ...head kocked and looking down sending me off..this usually breaks my heart as all I want to do is run back to the house, give her a massive hug and take her with me...tonight however....I can't. .
Anyway, I haven't gambled. .I'm a bit out of place again as I feel lonely and no one to talk to. Living far away from others is still not doing me many favours ..but it doesn't have to stay this way..as always, we have choices.
Blessings
S&B xx
Hello Sandra.
It is good to see you in a more positive frame of mind. You have so much going for you and are such a wonderful person that it saddens me to see you self destruct from time to time.
I have no constructive advice to give but nevertheless I send my best wishes and sincerely hope you can find your road to peace and happiness.
Stephen x
Thank you so much Stephen. Hope you're well xx
Diary,
It wasn't very good shift last night. I made few mistakes and of course mistakes are there to learn from but I had a stark reminder of what extent mistakes I can make and what consequences are there to deal with afterwards. I am honestly blessed to he here and type today...
Things does make you think and push to revaluate your life.
So today is a rainy one huh. Not a problem. Lil girl has her raincoat (which hardly fits now...bless my little fatty fatty b*m b*m...she likes her food as i do ?) and so we will go for a good run in a park shortly!
Another nightshift awaits. I was almost passing out at the wheel this morning and those loud warning bells continue to ring but not much of my raised concerns gets through to the top..hay ho, just gotta keep doing what I'm doing and pray for the best!
Few gambling urges but batting them away. The consequences are still there in the forefront of my mind. Have to stay calm and collected and figure out the affordable plan to chip away at debt accordingly.
Stay safe all & blessings
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Another day is here. Thoughts about counselling tomorrow is invading my head space but am trying not to think of it. Its tomorrow, not today so I best stop worrying and overthinking about it. Nothing I can change about tomorrow.
It has been quite peaceful recently with past demons. (Ya watch, I will speak too soon!). ..so maybe progress is being made. Also am a lot better in males company but I think work helps me massively here as I have many "brothers" surrounding me. I learn something new from them every day. Tell ya what, they gossip worse than women that's for sure ???.
Day off today so a gym session (I missed it so much!) and a bit of gardening lined up. Weather is being kind to me today and no raindrops present. All good stuff!
Will look into recipes later on and hopefully will cook nice soup and something healthy alongside. A bit on the experimental side today ?
I am scared to say this...but I feel quite happy & at peace today....what a blessing for this tired body and mind!
Stay safe all...much love
S&B xx
God my sister can be hard work :-/...I did come clean the other day about gambling due to her nagging & pushing me to do stuff (which is quite expensive). I guess I wanted to get her off my back to be fair and so told her.
Now she went on a stroppy one (bear in mind she is 36) because i cannot go Cremafields this year! Yes i love the festival, yes i attend yearly, yes music is my remedy..but cause quite clearly I messed up badly this year plus I am working a nightshift just before the D day...that would mean i not only cannot afford it but also would have to go with zero sleep if I had to go. So she simply put phone down on me..like you do..like its easiest option! ☹?.
Bearing in mind she owes me 1k she won't suggest covering for me...why? Because she is disgusted I am a gambler! She definitely is but I cannot blame her at all....
I would like to go back there this year however last few years i went there, i seen other side of the "fun". People dropping like flies and being taken away by ambulance crew..it's sad what it has become.....drugs are more harmful now than ever before..killing stuff and so its sad.
I would do with some good/ carefree time....I just don't think I can manage this year. My fault, no one elses...
For the good times...at least...
Many thanks for posting on my diary Sandra.
Hopefully this is a new beginning for you and in future years your life will not be trashed as a result of foolishly giving away your hard earned money to gambling companies.
It is a shame if you cannot attend the music festival and I also feel sad for your sister who now has nobody to go with but that is what gambling does to us. On a positive note, by being gamble free, you will in future be able to make choices and decisions based on there merit and not as dictated to by gambling addiction.
I did enjoy the youtube links you posted and although I have not attended a music festival I have an inkling of what it must be like and imagine it to be great fun.
It is always good to read your posts and sincerely hope you can find the peace and happiness which you deserve.
Take good care of yourself.
Stephen x
Thanks Stephen,
Unfortunately I'm back at it. GamBan is somehow not installed on my phone and so I just simply taken it off.
Another costy lesson...
I could of attend 3 festivals instead. Doesn't make sense does it. Why I am so ....drawn to gambling? Escape....
I didn't have a good day and counselling was tough. Then I found out something which upset me too..cannot say on here unfortunately.
No excuses. I have this addiction and I do struggle to deal with it.
Take care all
S & B xx
Sandra I feel very sad reading that you have gambled again. I hope you are feeling ok in yourself.
I have never gambled online so cannot comment on how you are managing to get around the blocks you have in place.
You are also more knowledgeable than I around matters relating to gambling addiction so I will not try to offer advice in that regard. I am reminded of the old expression: "Don't tell your granny how to suck eggs." Or something along them lines.
All I can do is send you my love and best wishes. I sincerely hope you can put a stop to the gambling and find peace, contentment and happiness.
From your good friend Stephen x
I have this addiction as well and i struggle to deal with it. I thought I had it sorted a few years ago but alas its not been the case
What on earth is it that we are escaping from?
I suspect that for some of us its a profound absence of meaning, purpose, direction and connection with others. For others maybe its a consequence of things that have happened to us as children. Things that shouldn't have happened but did. In reality its probably a combination of both for all of us.
Am trying (after another gambling binge...sigh!) to take a different approach. Instead of psychologically beating myself up and worrying all the time I am trying to be grateful for my life and find something positive each and every day. Today I am grateful for my physical health. I was able to walk for miles along the canals and through the woods. I enjoyed being in nature, the warmth of the sun and the gentle breeze. I enjoyed saying hello to folks and smiling. They said hello and smiled back. I felt a connection.
We can recover and live life rather than just escape into oblivion.
Always reading and smiling ... S.A 🙂
This feeling of needing to escape is growing pace. The insanity which the world is currently controlled by is very distressing. It is valid and understandable that we reach for escape. Much like rats in a cage would.
Hi and thanks for the support messages.
I didn't gamble today or since last post. Used this time more to reflect on my behaviour oppose to making situation even worse.
Applied for Monzo card..have no Scooby doo how to use it and understand what it is. Is it a bank? What functions it has? Everyone is raving about it so thought I will join the crowd however it just sit there on my worktop brightly glowing in orange and not getting used ?.
Been busy with work. Last night was another marathon I managed to survive and still have two more to go. Keeps me grounded so to speak and also I know that pennies drops in my pocket for the next month. Every little helps.
Beautiful day today and sunny & warm. Kind of happy I'm not at festival as I think it would be a bit too hot for me..esp if had few drinks ...danger to health.
Considering stopping counselling sessions as truly don't find them useful. It's very awkward ones and it's strange approach to it from organisation and I just fail to get used to it.
Lil girl is doing good. I love her more with each and every day! My angel ...my true companion.
Gym is ticking along actively as always however last couple of sessions I really struggled with my runs. Today I am hoping to breeze through 5k...wait and see but needs must!
Nothing else to report. Today I haven't gambled and so it must be a good day!
Stay safe all, keep making the right choice.
Blessings ❤
Ps. Thank you diary.
S&B xx
Hi diary,
So I managed to mess up emotionally again. Exhaustion. Crazy hours combined with pressure/ demands/ stress and I was in a heap of tears this morning. ...at work of course...breakdown no. 2.
I can't go on like this. It's too much. Presently I'm very low and exhausted and I know I don't think clearly but I need to make a decision. I need out.
Work colleague stated I am bipolar..one extreme to another...maybe...maybe he is right. Unfortunately he had a stick off me again...and had to witness my meltdown...again.
I did many many hours this week. I didn't sleep well, I drove thousands of miles...I put myself in the face of danger every day, I didn't eat well either. I pushed myself with gym not realising that I am pushing on empty which doesnt help.
I phone dad this morning. I almost told him how it actually is and how my job makes me feel. Now he worries..I just needed to speak to someone..to get that rationale...but I know I hurt him and worried him now ?
Sister just had a go at me as soon as I told her I'm at breaking point. "With your mental state you should just stay at stress free job, taking orders, keeping head down",..almost like working in manufacturing line or stacking shelves...which is fine..I think she is right. I have taken too much on. My mental capacity is not strong enough for all this. What hurt the most I guess, her calling me mentally incapable.."simple" person. I dont know what to think anymore. Am i actually this mentally weak? Sectioning? Going on millions of tablets?. This would lead me on a path where my mum is...and its not good stuff. She suffers more than anyone being managed by chemicals in her system.
Is this what my life come to? Is this it?
God..it's so so difficult. Mainly cause I achieved so much through my own hard work and dedication...i come So so far...and I believe this is the toughest part to accept...having to leave all my hard work behind because my mental health is detoriating.
A lot of decisions to make going forwards..but firstly...another crueling long shift to get through. Deal Lord, please protect me this one last shift....
S&B xx
Hiya.... Iv'e still got no idea what the answers are either and I am another decade down the road from you. I guess we just keep going until something seems to make sense and then we keep hold of that something and roll with it...
No idea what am talking about but thoughts are with you... S.A x
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