...

Hi, thanks Ineffable & Duncs...much appreciated words and thoughts xx

Diary,

I have been quite mentally low recent days. Really struggled. I tried to pin point what drove such emotions and kinda realised that many things added up...assault, tiredness, not having little girl, lack of sleep and almost no food...heart piercing loneliness hit me the hardest.

Yesterday i snapped at work. Said (screamed shall i say)stupid things and dammned the place and the whole world...all the time just sticking another needle in my own flesh (metaphorically speaking) ..just hitting my already low morale and confidence even more..just hurting myself mentally. I also shown rage which im not proud of and damaged my own locker ?....well...not my property after all anyway...it's job's one..

I cried a lot, i cant remember coming back home and i had many difficult thoughts i somehow managed to process by the time i got bk home...thankfully!!

I slept poorly again...but upon the sunrise, i accepted many thruths and had a talk to myself...

I went to work and spoke to each and single boy (work colleague). I sincerely apologised about my outburst and i opened up about my mental pain recently. All of them were really supporting and understanding. I think also, all of them made me realise that it is ok not to feel ok sometimes and the importance of voicing such struggles. I worked with one colleague and he continuously cheered me up today..and to be honest brought a bit of my confidence back up..which is good sign.

Its strange thing..all this honesty and opening up. Never thought i will approach someone and say " Guys, i hit the floor emotionally, I'm feeling low and i cannot manage my emotions"..its not something easy to say...but i believe and feel it was ever so needed...else, i would just be wrapped up in my own head telling more c**P to my already damaged mentality.

Im back home now. Another challenging shift but got over it much easier...its so relieving indeed.

Spoke to another nurse at hospital too. We chewed on some cuf re current situation. Both agreed on many struggles people are facing and both stated...with a little smile -"we all will get through this....in time. Just need patience". I thanked her for what she does and we weirdly had this strange common understanding of each other .....silent fight shown from within that we will do our best to help the nation stick together and look after ppl and their wellbeing ?.

I have no gambling thoughts. I did not cry today. I am still lonely but feel a lot lighter after such developments within myself today.

Miss my girl but hoping that soon we will be reunited once again..that's all my heart wants ❤

Blessings, stay safe, protect NHS - stay home.

S&B xxxx

Dear SB28,

Glad to read that your work colleagues lifted your mood a little. You did well to open up to others and you have benefited from it.  We hope that you manage to get some decent rest and sleep.

Take good care 

Fiona ,Forum Admin 

Hiya,

I echo Admin's thoughts. Rest and sleep. I'd imagine that your outbursts are all stress, fatigue and general knackeredness related. You don't have to do tonnes of over time just cos "your nation needs you" and all that stuff. Sit and do nothing with dog and spend time picking your nose and scratching your a**e, that's my advice. 🙂 x

You remind me of some advert, where some woman is off to get medicine for someone else when she obviously has the flu herself.... this was a pre-virus advert.

Thanks for your thoughts, am ok.

S.A 🙂 x

Thank you very kindly dear Fiona and SA. 

Not much joy with sleep yesterday but i managed to hold on and do what i do to the best of my ability.

SA..no way i could pick up any overtime. Didn't do any for a month now..That would be pure disaster my present circs given & my normal shifts are plenty as it is  for sure ??

Diary,

I haven't got much to say. A bit better shift & confidence slightly picked up again. Still dont feel 100% and actually feel bruised emotionally but little baby steps forward right...

Picked my girl up this morning..what an...amazing feeling! Love her so so much ❤❤❤...missed her greatly recently, truly did.

Feel calmer, more at peace & am almost sure that i will sleep soundly this morning..just have that feeling ?...

So on that note - stay safe all & g'night from me!

P.s. - no gambling thoughts

S&B xx

Hello neighbour ?

I just noticed you popped into my diary a couple of days ago so I thought I should come and say thank you and hello! I am so glad you are reunited with Bella, I suspect she is getting LOADS of cuddles ?.

All good at my end, busy at work. Gamble free still, I think I hit my 6 month milestone on Monday. 

Take care Sandra and keep going with those baby steps xx

Murlo

Hey, thank you Murlo! Good to hear from you and massive congratulations on an amazing milestone coming week! You got this! ???

Diary,

As predicted in my last post - i fell into deep coma sleep yesterday! Jeezz...couldn't believe when woke up almost in the dark and only had few hours before going for work again! Must of needed that sleep...plus baby girl seem to join me in such quest too lol..we had a good run outdoors eventually (even if it was raining!) & she had a little dip in the river and had an absolute freedom in the fields! Makes me soooo happy to see her smiling and enjoying herself...priceless indeed!

Again, back home after quite manageable shift. Had a good laugh with work colleagues and truly feel part of the good team...gonna miss my bois so much if /when eventually go elsewhere ??...but, i must look ahead and prioritise my wellbeing.

Had some more good news from work..am now fully qualified...at what i do! Still didn't receive the hard copy  (i need to see it to believe it) but this made me so so proud of myself. I worked so hard to get where i am now & even if i dont see my progress myself, everyone around me does...and so...this makes me very pleased indeed!

My good friend K .....(ODAAT)...I thank you from the bottom of my heart for planting such seed in me to go ahead and fulfil my dreams. For helping me realise my potential....i somehow feel you would be proud of me now....

Right diary...i best get to bed. Feel quite energetic the thruth be told but, sleeps are must so i can continue on the "up" later on.

No gambling thoughts.

Thank you for reading, stay safe, look after yourselves, keep counting your blessings everyone.

S&B xx

Hello diary,

Challenging evening yesterday with pestering urges but didn't give in and so feeling better for it. 

Just back from an hour long run. Almost 10 miles done..3 rounds in big forest nearby. It was good to smell the greenery and clean air. Like forest!

Another day off. For some reason these does not sit well with me. As much as i moan about work, it actually helps my mind to keep occupied.

Not much else to report actually. Would be nice to speak to someone as feel a bit lonely but ...it is what it is i guess.

Trying to work out my debt and its good to see that im not in double figures anymore. I mean im in thousands nut not tens of thousands. Slowly does it huh. Just need to keep chipping away and after maybe 3 years i will be in a lot better position. 

Day at a time

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another day off. Didnt do anything today except boiling some chicken for lil girl...a bit of washing and a bath.

Today is mother's day in my country. I would of not been able to go back to see her anyway but this lockdown just makes things more difficult. Could not send even flowers & chocs over as  not allowed in any country now. Did not realise how strong restrictions are there also. A lot strickter than here...

I guess my longing for parents was triggered by a post i saw yesterday. A daughter sending flowers to mum just to say she misses her. 

I know the mum. Work with her. Well, we are in the same organisation and i do communicate with this precise department over the phone. I braced myself to message the lady yesterday to say how amazing act of love and care their daughter shown. ...we talked a little and it made me very happy. What surprised me was her saying that she hopes im ok during this tough time having to be on a frontline. She is on front line too just in a bit different setting....

Ummm...few urges again today but guess its just boredom. A bit of anxiety rising as im nearing the end of days off..always get nervous before shifts..

Got so much junk in the house also. Needed to clear up but where to put all the stuff?got this massive tv i never put on for a 3.5 years. Just gathers dust. Fully working i believe. A free stuff from my friend...from once upon a time....could put it in front of the house with a " for free" note but again, all the situation i guess makes it hard for everything.  

Supposed to do some painting this summer but have zero motivation. My bedroom is still not touched since i moved in. Need fresh layer of paint. ..maybe next month..i managed to get some leave then so will have 10 days.

Also garden is in need of proper looking after. Weeds are all over the place again. Cannot keep up.

Ummm...i guess that's about it. 

Stay safe people, look after you and others, do the right thing for the right reasons. Blessings all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another check in. Almost a norm now to check in daily...sorry, still no motivation to post to others..hoping it will come back one day as used to enjoy writing to others & communicating on here..

Spoke to my friend i didnt speak for almost a year yesterday. When we caught up with putting the world to its rights, i announced that i am still g free and nearing a year g free this summer. she didn't believe me ?. She said surely you gambled not long ago...shows how little we talk (used to b best friends) and i said, no...no online slots since July last year...yes, few scratchcards in November or so but no slots. 

That was that. I guess i just wanted to record his on here.

Ummm...no motivation for a run today and so will just count down time for bed time. Noticed still have no appetite and so need to fix something for myself else i will collapse. Plenty of dishes, soups cooked over the last few days however no desire to eat them. ?...

Well, that's me. No gambling (thankfully), pennies safely in my bank acc. May it continue...one day at a time.

Stay safe all, blessings, look after yourselves

S&B xx (ps..love my girl more than yesterday ❤❤❤❤)

Hiya... a big well done on the no gambling but a large and pointy waggy finger on the not eating! We have a couple of folk on end of life care at my work where we have to feed them and fill in charts.... am gonna have to start feeding you your soup, one mouthful at a time... 😉 x

Nourishment is a good thing.

Anyway, take good care. Good to read your thoughts. 

S.A x

Haha..alright then feeder ?...soup, other pasta dish and something else from the fridge gone in a bin today ?...jeez, dont know what's wrong with me but food is the last thing on my mind! Like i know i should eat now as last (half sandwich) was demolished around 1200 hrs ...one and only food today..but im so knackered i will go to bed instead...??..

Diary,

Umm...very mentally taxing day today. ..and emotionally draining...one of the drills of my job...unfortunately ..sigh..

I can only change little amount in this world.....but there are so many situations in life out of my control...wish i could...what if....what if...?

Guess i best lay this head for a few hours and let it recover ready for another day...hope i sleep, that was missing last night also..

No gambling.

Stay safe all, be greatful for so many blessings in life & dont let them go. 

There is always a rainbow after the rain.....

S&B xx

Hi diary,

You know...its been difficult day..to process the news from yesterday. ..very difficult. 

Umm..there is more to the story but i cannot disclose..and i think that's partially what's eating at me. ..i cannot talk about stuff...i have noone to talk about it.

What i did instead? I turned to animal with excersice. Not gonna expand either but im crazy active for the past two days. ..just to help me keep my mind off things.

Unfortunately i yet again didn't sleep last night. I managed difficult shift today and fell into mad excersice of 2 solid hours afterwards again. My body aches...i can hardly walk, i can't cough (smokers cough)i can't lift my arms.

I still didn't eat...i lie..i had a bacon bap around 9am this morning....that's about it. I am not hungry. Its tough when emotions start affecting me lile that. Messes not only with your body but also mind huh...

I feel lonely. No lil girl here..it drives me crazy....

..but, no gambling right...no gambling.

I best go. Blessings all...please look after your loved ones & friends...appreciate them all...for good &bad. We are only human...we are not perfect not machines. We are humans..

S&B xx

S&B

Please make sure you look after you and yours.

Best

Hiya... I suppose we have to look deep within ourselves to understand why we do what we do. Sensible psychological theory would say that we should just sit with our feelings, except them and let them pass, but of course many of us look for distractions to take us away from the source of our stress. Currently mine is food and internet and not sleeping enough.

Like you say, we are not perfect. Just mere humans. The answer is just to like ourselves just a little bit more and not do the things that ultimately become self-destructive. Tis not easy.

End of ramble... hope your feeling a bit more on a level today.. S.A x

Hi, thank you Bal and SA...xx

Im a bit wobbly today. In few hours it will be 24hrs since ive been up. I know its affecting me.

I unfortunately see a lot of death recently. Not even covid 19 related. I guess it has affected me a lot.

The pain i see in loved ones eyes. It sometimes is too hard to take. 

Just after 16hr + shift. Played integral part tonight. Maybe medal on a way .....ha -not so.

Tired of seeing pain..tired of holding feelings back..tired of having to suck this b*****d s**t up myself! Really tired...

Sorry for swearing.

I will leave it here. Im hurting for other's pain. ..still..old habits dies hard.

Tired of that too.

I miss my girl. She would be the best thing for me now...just to cuddle up and let go.

I understand suicide and life being taken away against someone's wishes. But ....its really awful stuff to witness. DO NOT DO IT. It's not worth it. You're loved!!!!

...no gambling...

S&B xc