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Hi diary

Day 270. 

So...has been difficult week. Very mentally exhausting and draining. Had mental breakdown again ( a good cry sorted it tho). Had 3 deaths in a week. One suicide of person i know which i guess started wheels moving into the darkness/sadness for me. Other two....well, another, was my next door neighbour. Im gonna miss him. We both loved sun so much and were out in the gardens with first rays of it ?..i offered to help him when pandemic started...shopping/ gardening/taking bins out and so on...gradually i met his family. Very big family. Suddenly last two weeks we chatted accross the fence with all of them present..and then suddenly its gone quiet..they didn't visit him, bins didn't move...no greetings in the sun. ..yesterday i got a note through my letterbox informing of his passing ☹?..gonna miss you Bob ...Rest in peace. I always so respected you for going to cemetery each and every day..  ..with no fail.. sun or rain to visit your wife. The act said million words about your wonderful heart and love. I am sure you're reunited now and having so deserved catch up in heaven. ..RIP XX

And lastly, ...i had to soak all the pain/ grief of another person witnessing their loved one die. I think this topped me off. Tragic circs and im still a bit shaky with this all.

Yesterday i had a 1 to 1 with my boss .  . Well, boss boss...very high rank. Appears we been noticed by everyone being flat out, exhausted.  Were flagged up to upper level. 

No wonder.. its only 3 of us on team now. We are like energiser rabbits doing it all.  It will drain us, would to anyone.

I had honest chat with him. Told him that i was in heap of tears after that 16hrs shift. ...plus 3 hrs drive..  Told him i really struggled just few days ago. He understood and very openly disclosed that something from 2 years ago is still haunting him too. ..this job is a mental trap. PTSD is inevitable. . And so asking for help is truly important. I assured him i will reach out if things gets worse. ...that was that...he commended me on my good job tho..made me smile.  I like to get my tasks done ASAP ....kinda, why tomorrow if can do now...result! Best performance so far given my short time in this job.

I'm gonna rest now. Nothing planned. Cooked, spoke to parents, walked lil girl.. 

Ahh. Lil girl.. i struggled with sleep for a week not having her here. Guess what happened since i brought her back yesterday morning?  That's right - heavenly restful sleep. Told that to my colleague and he did say that its truly true thing...rhe comfort loved ones can provide just puts your heart and body at peace and calm...amazing indeed...love her so much!

That's me.

Stay safe all. 

S&B xx

Good day to my gamcare sister Sandra. Big congratulations on 9 months gamble free. 

Pleased Bella is back home and keeping you company. I have often heard said that dogs are peoples best friends so there must be some truth in it although I cannot really comment as I don't have a four legged friend. Nevertheless, people say that I am barking mad, whenever they see me howling at a full moon??.

Sorry to read that you have been inundated with bereavements recently but I suppose that is all part of the job for those in a caring profession. Hope your new neighbour is kind and friendly.

I am just listening to an album by Pete Tong and think you might like it: "Pete Tong Ibiza Classics."

Take care good lady and keep smiling.

Stephen x 

Thanks Stephen.. good to read youre skippig along, dancing to stars and singing your songs! Keep the positivity up!

Diary,

Another day g free. Good reminder on not being able to access cc cards this morning..made me a bit sad but also happy as i cannot deposit even if wanted to!. Thank you government at least for one good thing!

Finally met my sis.  Made me very vulnerable tho. I am still not up to meetings/ greetings. We had a good walk in the park..soaked up fresh air..she said my nephew wants to see me a lot so kinda planned to meet up in the mountains next week..

Relaxing the rules did not bring me joy for sure. Don't like socialising or people. The less the better. Leave me alone and stay away...that's my view anyway...been for a long time. The only thing i feel relaxed avout recently talking to GC staff...no more suggestions of socialising.. pheeew.  Hallelujah!

Glad our organisation washed hands of it all...we cannot teach stoopid and finally it sunk in. Common sense must take place (unlikely where i work). 

Did a lot of gardening. Not done yet but progress is being made. It has been a jungle for sure.

Completely stopped excersicing. dont miss it either. I do, mind you 170 push ups daily. That's all i do. Keeps my torso and arms in shape i guess.

I am maybe a bit aggitated today? Not sure why...one of the moods huh..

Ahh...bough a frying pan yesterday!why something like that gives me so much joy? Unbelievable....but cooking is top class now! Simple things huh...

Back to work soon and dreading it a little but...it is what it is. Lets do this for another week!

S&B xx

Thanks for popping in. Hope you n Bella boo on too.

Yes chat is good. Haven't been in ladt few days but been busy. 

Difficult times but I think we got yo brace ourselves for a new whst is normal to us life. It is as it is..

Stay safe... 

Boo 

???

Thank you boo xx

Diary,

I happened to look at my bank account as was expecting pay to go in (not until tom tho). I happened to look back..each month..how i manage my spendings and what's left until pay day.. reality is, all goes on essentials as bills/petrol. I JUST manage to make ends meet on monthly basis.. i don't buy clothes (work in uniform which helps) nor i spend anything on outings (i dont go out).

I followed the bank statements all the way back to 2016. I am horrified! Horrified of the "affair" i played by transferring stuff inbetween. I noticed my gambling sessions....funnily enough, i withdrew quite a lot in my sessions..up to 4 figures but what blew me away - the balance didn't change once! Why? Because before they had time to update the balance - i put it all back in...and more...its horrifying to see!!. I noticed about 5 different sites i withdrew money from...thats during last 4 years. 

I have no idea how i managed to get a mortgage ! Truly don't...i know i put a cap on gambling 6 months prior  to me applying. I was accepted...but, man, if they looked a year before that!...and after... ☹..i clearly have a problem. I am s**t gambler.  Absolutely impossible 'carer" in that!awful!...to waste so much by keep putting it back is utter maddness!

Wow...im actually crying here. I know i struggled most of my life but to get to such measures to destroy myself is beyond my understanding.

I...i feel sad. I don't feel i deserve this beautiful house (i fail to look after) ..i don't feel i deserve my so challenging job i happen to still love & be proud to keep  ...i don't feel i deserve my lil girl...she seen me at my worst...i know she did...she saw me gambling and neglecting us....

I just feel a massive failure. What if i decide to escape again by the means what ate clearly not working?...such a failure..i deserve the suffering i feel..... 🙁

Waste of space.......

Sandra

look at the other side of the coin my dear friend, you have a house, you maintain the bills, you share an unconditional love with your bestie, you get up and work through every day even when you inwardly have a fight that would defeat the best of the rest and you did not feed addiction today.

thats all things to behold, be proud of 

a dear old friend on here wrote on my first day 

be kind to yourself 

today I give those words to you 

just for today 

Duncs 

Hiya... yes like Dunc's says.. try to be kind to yourself. 

Your not a rubbish gambler your an addicted gambler. Your not able to stop once you start, just like me. You numb out and escape reality until the money runs out.

The more gamble free time that passes, the less that you will live on the financial edge. Same goes for me.

Your ok. Its just when your tired and run down ya don't quite see it. 

Thoughts are with you x

Thanks guys...really appreciated kind words from you both xx...im glad to read about your ongoing positive journey forward in life..keep it up...try and keep it simple and most importantly - enjoy the ride!

Dear  diary,

Another busy shift...(must admit they get more challenging & intense). The circs given was quite proud of myself for the quickest handover i could make! Much thanks and appreciation for the colleagues as it would not be possible without their support. About 3 hrs job was wrapped up in 1! Back home on time -result huh! Teamwork had it for sure!

Was a bit upset yesterday as was in physical pain..pulled my pectoral muscle meaning i was not able to do even 3 push ups. ☹..thought my monthly challenge of 200 a day will go down the drain after 2 weeks...pleased to report that i may be back on track now...managed 40 just now so fingers crossed! 

Picked lil girl up do yeah...expecting good sleep indeed!

Few shifts yet to complete at work and am on the last legs tbf but needs must. ..

Cant wait for my week off after next week. Kinda....your time to work and mine to rest mindset since restrictions lifted...lol....needless to say - thank you brave ppl out there!

Ummmm..not much else really. Head in the dumps most of the time but understandable given what i have to deal with on daily basis...

No gambling tho..need to keep this up.

That's it from me. Peace out!

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Still here & kicking. Something was on my minf for a few days now...a discussion with an adviser on here about....how i come across whilst expressing myself ?...we came to the point where we both chewed on a cud...did i change? Do i have this "tone" intentionally or its a result of my daily life now?...ummmm...i don't know but think the latter...the things i see & do in professional world may of played a part....

Anyhow,....few good news. ..one more shift to go...new job place seems to restarted the wheels rolling!...im at home with lil baby.   ....even if sleeps are must...i shall try and at least see afternoon soon (high hopes there)...

That's me...

Ahhhhh.....

This rings a bell too.... been a while since i posted a tune ?

Stay safe all

S&B xx

https://youtu.be/_zL4iptLu90

Hi diary,

Billy no mates here again. Tough going today, really bad urges. Did attempt to log on on laptop but it appears that gamblock is working again?? dont get it as it didnt for about 6 months and now its working...not sure if to complain about it or not.

Not much else to report....went to my new job (same job diff area) today for some admin stuff and just maybe i will be ok. looks friendly employees so far...saying that, was so hungover, i hardly could make an effort to smile.

Went for a lovely late eve walk last night. it was almost dark, but the place and freedom was ours and so lil girl made the most of it...im so happy to see her enjoying herself. love her to bits. she did not even get up at 0600 today with me and only showed her face around 0700...lol..lazy babs.

soo..cannot gamble...body hurts from fitness class...already drinking...happy days huh. (i may need to address my alc intake tho...getting outta hand)

that's me...see what i can do to break some barriers...determined to have a flutter unfortunately.

peace out.

s&b

The day i set my eyes on you

Hi diary,

So hitting another year on this site.....gulp...time just flies! What an amazing place to share, talk and support! Really thought its the most magical place to be!

As years went by, as well as ups and downs. Quite confident, each and every low did teach me a lesson. There was a learning somewhere....the q is - did i pick it up at the time?

As far as gambling concerned, im trying my best not to place that first bet. I got wrapped up in some sort of bubble few days ago thinking i can have a flutter. ...was really confident i would...but, blocks blocks blocks! Not only self exclusions, gamstop, gamblock on devices but also blocked cards! Its almost impossible to have a bet for me...definitely not online. ..so overall, blocks works....esp in the moment of maddness when your own mind tries to trick you up....

I am blessed indeed! Another day spent in safe and calm place. No worries, no anxiety for the financial loss, no stress due to the same. 

"When you walking those steps full of panic and fear,

When you life has become an endless despair

Skint, damaged, hopeless and empty inside,

Look around my friend - you have an army behind!

Open your mind, heart and soul

And allow GamCare family help you to grow!

Bag full of rocks is such weight to possess,

Sharing that load is the way of progress.

So be proud and stand tall in this battle of life

Every day you are winning so continue to shine!" 

Blessings to you & me!

S&B xx

Sandra 

what wonderful wise words my dear friend 

happy anniversary, you have come a long way and it’s been a pleasure to walk by your side.

dont empty that bag of rocks, ones always good to beat addiction with if it tries to tempt you back. It’s a wonderful thing that.

abstain and maintain 

Duncs

Sandra your poem is wonderful ?many thanks for sharing.

Pleased to read that you are feeling happy, relaxed and in control.

Throughout history there have been a select few ladies of courage, compassion and charisma who have battled bravely against the forces of evil.

You Sandra are one such person.

Not only are you a noble heroine, you are also a valiant gamcare warrioress standing proud in the face of adversity.

I salute you good lady.

Stephen x 

Hi Duncan & Stephen.. thank you

Diary,

I made to my holiday however am not impressed with my recent work performance. Sometimes i can have an ok day, sometimes i feel like an anchor dragging the whole team down.  Yesterday was one of those days. Actions wouldn't comply with head. I am very much so aware im second language speaker in this country and should give myself some .....kindness towards mistakes or not being able to do best performance...but i seem to bash myself over for every little thing i shoul think of or acted upon...

I dunno..maybe the whole job choice is not for me. Chewed on too much. The new place im going to will be a lot mote challenging. Its a city not a town. I dont even know how to prepare myself tbh. I still doubt about it. Yeah, wellbeing is priority but.....will i manage THAT pressure?

I have had a productive day today. Gardening and sorts. Started painting too. Should be happy...should be ?..

Parents are ok and thats the main thing. Missing them and still not sure when all the flights will resume freely again. They miss me too...its good to hear..

Obvs with renovations at home it came with expenses. Difficult to spend money on something rather than gambling..unbelievable i say this but that's how it feels.

Fitness is not on top form really. Stopped running and only continuing with home made excersicing ..and online classes now and again...maybe better than nothing.

Struggling with food. Some days on on sandwich alone.

But...im here. I am healthy, parents ok, sister too...not gambled and have my baby by my side once again. These ARE blessings.

Take care all & stay safe

S&B xx