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Hi diary,

Nearing 250 days g free. Online slots mind you but that's the evil i am battling against the most. Its quite nice to see the need for escape lessening and options to fight in different manner emerging forward. The choice is mine. Simple outcome directed by me - heaven or hell..it is that simple.

Current worldwide situation does help my growth and understanding. Its like blessing in disguise. A grain for life being found in surroundings of devastation...death. never thought that in order to slow the world down, allow time to reflect and appreciate the here and now has to come in such heavy way. Forcing people to stop and think. Not exactly offering a choice in doing so.

I hear the thoughts of wanting to go back to normal when all this is over, but is it really what the nation needs? That's the question ti answer on individual basis. 

For me, personally, apart from fear and heightened worry for others, nothing really changed. I have never been social butterfly and so the only difference is no gym establishment i so grown up to love.

I see many positives arising tho. The communication with loved ones, neighbours and community. I love to see the unity! The support and acknowledgment of one another. Seeing humanity...balance...the scale is equal now, we are all in this together no matter the occupation, social status, age or race. 

World is slowly recovering from such traumatic circumstances we created ourselves. Air pollution, greed, hater, rush...

I am one of the luckiest souls on earth. I have roof over my head, my gorgeous girl by my side, connection with family (even if only over the phone), health....and ability to appreciate all this. Reflect and learn from my own mistakes. 

Wish everyone well, take the stock of your lives as its the best time of doing so. ...your time for YOU.

Stay safe, stay indoors, protect NHS, save lives. Your part in this fight is truly appreciated.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Today has been.....tragic really. A bit traumatic but we deal with those as we go along huh..

Just listened to some lyrics which truly hit a chord..."to fight when you feel like flying"...these are true, its how we respond to situations i guess...

...umm..boss strangely asked me how i am today, because, as he says " you are on your own aint you"..i said yes, ...but its warming to know parents and sister are ok.....im here &healthy, something we all should be greatful now..."

Its difficult really, hard emotions. Have no one and the only rock by my side has gone for a week again.....lil girl..❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

If anyone could understand how much she means to me......

...but, no gambling...its all about addictions right? ....or is it?

Stay safe and well all...please follow the Government's guidance..blessings

S......x

Good evening Sandra.

Sorry you are without Bella but these challenging times will pass and until that happens we have to stay strong and keep a stiff upper lip.

You are like me in that we are both energetic individuals who like exercise and music so whenever you are feeling listless just put your favourite music on and let rip (ha ha preferably wearing headphones.)

As Ghandi once said: Let's Rock n Roll.

Night night sweet dreams 

Stephen x

Thanks Stephen....hope you're keeping well...

Yeah diary,

Just off the most lifeless chat i ever had in my life and still not any calmer.

Had a horrid dream few nights ago that i have relapsed. Absolutely awful feeling really. So real it affected me and drained the life out of this body...scary indeed...but dreams are dreams...its not reality even if ya wake up crying and in gutted state.

Just back from 13hrs shift. God knows how i got home. Cannot remember..all i can remember was stalling in dual carriageway cause my foot obvs slipped off the accelerator...as i was halfway passing out. Dangerous times and dont need RTC's these days...have plenty of them as it is.

Very mentally draining shift...many mentally unwell people out there..and i get it ok..i know this lockdown is not doing much good for too many people...but please keep holding on all...this will pass and it all will feel better again.

Stuck the fridge magnet i hid in the back, back in front again....3 years later. Maybe i forgiven my friend printed on that magnet?who knows...but presently feel comfy seeing it there every time i open the fridge. (Not often occurrence mind you).

Ummmm...still miss my girl..not the same without her.❤❤❤

What else...tired ..man...really tired. Aches and pains in the back. Not sure what i have done to it.

But..in like 8hrs i gotta be at the grindstone again...and so...maybe best to catch some shut eye huh...

No gambling....(only in dreams..../nightmares).

Stay safe all..look after yourselves...please do.

S..........

Sandra

acceptance is the most empowering thing that I believe I have given myself 

to accept not just my failings but my strengths 

when I read your thread I believe that you have found the same, to live a life on life’s terms.

for that be proud and give yourself everything you can 

and for the record I don’t believe that you were shy and withdrawn I believe that you were respectful of the fact that there was a significant other who wanted to ask more than  time gave, you are a giver in that regard and I wholly respected the circumstances.

same as the reference to no physical contact when for me a hug can say a thousand words that I cannot. all part of life and acceptance of it’s wonder.

stay safe my dear friend 

just for today 

Duncs 

Stay safe 

????? Boo 

Hi,

Thanks Duncs and Boo...appreciated xx

Diary,

Im exhausted. Going like in a hamster wheel and desperately need time off. Tomorrow i shall be granted such comfort to stay at home, relax and just chill for a few days. Strange when i read everyone around screaming to get out and all i wish is complete opposite. 

Job is really challenging recently. Got injured the other day and still feel effects following that encounter but here we go. I signed up for such risks...and they do happen. Mentally im exhausted too. ...and it saddens and concerns me that more and more peoole feeling such effect mainly to do with lock down. It mainly affects ppl living on their own of course..the scale is off the roof now with such sad cases... but we must continue to do what's needed and requested...to save lives ....to prevent the spread...it will not last forever.

I got up late afternoon today following a nighshifter. Im sad and dissapointed in myself to say that i forgot my lil girl's bday...she is 7 years old today. ..and i am very tired to even go out and get her a cake or something...or simply celebrate. By some miracle i decided to pick her up this morning and brought her home so massive massive massive positive here is that i CAN hug her, pet her and spend time with her on her big day! Not perfect but....at least from the heart ❤

We went for a long walk...now she sleeps...peacefully...content and happy..

I may have a snooze too as just dont feel right last few days. Minimum energy, pains and aches and just fatigue...maybe just tired, driving ling distances on top of long shifts does not aid me at all.

That is me. No gambling. No energy even to think about that.

Happy birthday lil B....love you more than ever!!! ?❤???? xx

Stay safe all

S&B xxx

Hi diary,

Second day off. Haven't really recovered from last shift. One of the worst. Really hurt me physically, emotionally and ...mentally.

I heard the words i didn't think i hear at my job. I think words hurt more than anything. Made me question myself and my abilities...my existence.

Racial abuse is kind of expected at what i do...to the extent...however not this far. 

World is very complex. People are getting that way too..

I shall deal with these wounds inwardly. Forgive, let go, move one. I will rebuild my self worth. I know i will in time.

No gambling. Few fleeting thoughts. Had too much to drink last night tho but no effects of it today...which is good. Beautiful day outside. Will go for a walk with lil one and then hopefully a run...

Bought lil girl a stuffed rabbit yesterday..as a late bday present. She enjoys playing with it and carries it everywhere ☺...just taken it outside to sunbathe ?

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

So sorry to hear you got racially abused. Angry people just want to lash out and abuse, anyone, anything.

Please try not to take it inside, under your skin. I can imagine you being brilliant at what you do and a real asset to our nation, as we go through what we are.

Extremely concerned about you stalling on the dual carriageway. You know too well how dangerous this is. Please, please take a nap before driving home, if you're that tired. You matter!

Hi San,

Racial abuse is a crime and an awful one at that. I'm so sorry you've had to suffer that, have you considered reporting it ?. Remember you're so much better than the perpetrator. Don't let this low life distract you from the fight you're doing so well.

Best Wishes

AL

Thanks f and Al,

The issue has been put to bed already. Fast tracked to court, result - suspended sentence and laughable fine. Juridical system is not really where it should be in tbis day and age but it is what it is.

Diary,

Another day off. Beautiful. My plans of going out for a run has changed. Decided just do nothing today. Enjoying the results of hard work in the garden yesterday. Looks a lot tidier ??

Struggling with urges big time today. Happened to watch a arcade game which popped up on my FB. Ohhhhh....didnt it wake the gremlins? It did...indeed. ..but that was like 3 hrs ago and since then i went for a good walk with B, spoke to sis and had another cup of coffee...oh and ironed some clothes. ..so, kinda keeping busy. Just now sat down, visited chatroom and kinda doing nothing. Would love to have a bbq but am not the best at firing that thing so shall stick with chicken leftovers from yesterday.

Yeah, urges are here...best do all i can to keep batting them away. C'mon, over 250 days....i can do it!

Stay safe all, follow the guidance, save lives

S&B xx

Hi diary,

I was quite adamant i will gamble last night. To the point where i promised myself i will. ...of course i broke a promise...not first nor last but at least i did not gamble.

Reading around this morning, quite few posts related to me. Not gonna mention subjects they mentioned however its something i need to address...needed to address for a long long time.

Lockdown is not affecting me too much. Never been social person so as saying goes "How can you miss something you never had". In other aspect - i miss gym and a place to stay over after long shifts. These two does affect me physically and mentally.

Read something inspiring on FB. It was a post about people being in your life. For good or bad reasons, you still always end up with a "person" at some point in your life. Has it changed my perspective about the whole people situation?...maybe it had. Strange but v true food for thought.

Another week flew by. We are nearly in May. Time truly flies.

I shall remain vigilant "re urges. Think about gambling too often now. Chuck a bit of low mood in the mix and disaster is just round the corner. But for today, i shall keep my hard earned in my pocket, where it belongs.

All the best all, stay safe

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another gruelling day seeing the reality and chaos of all this worldwide situation. Cant even offer another thought for that,..i shall allow it back in my life on the sunrise.

For now, one and most important thing - i miss my baby girl, i want to hug her, comfort her and assure her that i will do anything in my power to look after her and love her forever.

She became unsettled at night recently. Maybe time of the year for them (even if she was done)..you sometimes cannot control hormones fully....and so she is up &down all night, growling at some tresspassers (maybe cats or wild creatures around here) and then settling back in...for another get up time. ..she may want to protect me, she may answers natures calls...i don't know.

She is safe away for tonight, and i miss her like crazy. My lil goof,..my guardian angel.

No gambling....too tired to think about that.

Peace out, stay safe, follow the guidance, save lives (....following converse with one local nurse today i was shocked to find out they have hundreds of patients in this little town's hospital.....)...my advice - don't take any chances.

Night.

S&B xc (B with me at heart)

Hi diary,

I am not sure why i continue to write on this page but i guess its the only let out left for me to express my thoughts. And its ok, i accept that. I rather have them logged somewhere than having eventually to die in silence and without letting my loved ones know of my lifetime struggles, feelings and battles i concurred.

So slept a bit better. Having a bit thoughtful morning. Searched for a pic from 11 years ago since something triggered it yesterday. Had my old phone out trying to find it but no joy. I can live with that too..

Not even half way through working week but at least slowly moving forward.. a lot cooler outside today but need to get my 5k in. This month - so far i did 48k running. That's not too bad, i must keep active.

Not sure why im a bit doom and gloom today...but sometimes just have to accept these emotions.

That's about it. Im safe. Im gamble free. Im doing my best in life.

Take care all

S&B xx

Sandra

for me it’s simple, you write on this forum because you are committed to recovery and rediscovery as a result.

my share keep writing my dear friend 

Duncs