...

Hi SB28 so sorry to hear you're not well, I bet your lovely girl is fussing you mine just hate it if one of us is ill they come sit by you it's like they're saying " it's ok we're here "  Hope things improve for you at least as you say no gambling and that's always a positive !! Take care of yourself x

Thank you Charlie xx

Yes, she knew im not well. Thursday night i literally crawled into the house as i couldn't walk from pain. Ask me how i drove home? Thats a good question i didnt figure out myself yet.

She waited...as always. I fed her and headed straight to bed. No sleep for me..in the morning i couldn't take no more and so dialled 111. Symptoms raised concerns to operator and next thing i know - ambo at my door.

Lovely paramedics. So so nice people. They even said "c'mon let that lil beast out"..lol..so i did...and she showered them in kisses..strange.. all masks and all that to protect themselves from ppl, yet...allowed animal to crawl all over and lick their faces  clean lol...

So yeah, fast forward, 6hrs later and expensive taxi ride back home from hospital i was very high on painkillers and soon went to bed. ..pain free night i must pray to god!!!! However lil one didn't have such a good night..she had runners again and so i was up and down every two hours to let her out.

My sister gives me right hell! I know she was worried yesterday. I had to tell her in case i got admitted so she comes to look after lil girl. She gave me right earache! At 35 you shouldn't feel like that! Take that plane to see professional doc! Quit the job! Eat this/that!don't do this/ that...why did you drive all that way?what about us? Bells is one thing not getting the owner bk, what about all the family?.....jeezzzz...i don't know...i just kept quiet, let her shout and lecture me. Older sisters huh..always right i guess...

Today i feel a lot better. Cooked soup, porridge and now another dish. Taking tabs prescribed too..plenty of water and so on.. a bit tired already so maybe an early night.

This situation allowed me time to sober up. ..every cloud and all that huh....

That is me. Thoughtful but indeed greatful.

G'night GC, stay safe

S&B xx

Hiya.. well ya older sister only gives you hell because she cares... you push yourself to the limit and beyond. It becomes a self-destructive habit, something I can relate to. You will probably bounce back quickly because your young and fit but be careful cos ya might just be doing long term damage. Am I sounding like your older sister? 😉

...the thing is... if you can afford expensive taxi's, you can afford (once your well) to "just" be doing your regular hours and not tonnes of over time. You can then spend more time at home eating "food" and enjoying time with your 4 legged friend. Ok, I will now stop doing the waggy finger thing 🙂

Great stuff on the gamble free time

Hugs from me (((( ))) x

Thanks SA - reposted!

Diary,

Going about my bussiness (such as eating porridge with my medication & drinking gallons of water!) and suddenly and great idea enters my mind...."let's go to the seaside, its been ages since i went...i see so many pictures of ppl enjoying the shore...lets go to seaside casino...lets try penny pushers..no harm done?..oh, no, better lets go to closest services, maybe casino's open there? Will i need to wear a mask?..d**n...dont really want that but maybe in that case nobody will recognise me..what's the odds someone being there anyway? Days off, could colleagues travel somewhere?...." and so it goes round in my mind. Strong urge to sabotage my hard work so far. Why they come on so suddenly? Why do i see it as acceptable thought?

Its maddness isn't it. Pure way of tripping myself up and then crying about my poor choices. Getting on the wagon of self destruction and misery..nevermind the mental struggle and financial difficulty.

Some days its difficult to be an addict....

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Somehow rode the urges out last night..thank God!..its good to see in the daylight what maddness was going on when cloud hung over ?

Early this morning received a call. Withheld number so thought it's work. It wasn't. It was my doc. Good to hear referrals are being made re my mysterious pain. Got another test to run ...possibly the last one to see what's what.

Pain comes and goes. Im a bit scared if have to deal with it for the rest of my life. Not a fan of tabs but must accept that im not getting any younger.

Sister still gives me earache. She is dissapointed that i do not tell stuff straight away. Says,...the time i had the crash i didnt tell till the morning and now again, being at hospital i told her too late..hmmm..yeah...its me. Guess never want to worry her. I guess she is always on the edge, esp when im at work..she just doesn't express it.

We had a laugh tho. She said she thought im a right crazy dog lady but appears her good friend is my match now lol..she said to my sis that "tooth fairy" visited  her lil pup...and now, dear diary - nobody can beat this lol..even i could not stop laughing...

Yet..i love my girl dearly. Every little thing she does..every piece of her. She has few "tags" now. I noticed them on a leg and her back. I may be old fashioned but i rather not touch/investigate them. It usually end up badly...and so..i pray/enjoy/share the love and joy of life with her here and now. ..we...fulfil each other..love is eternal...she is my angel.

No gambling.

Peace out

.S&B xx

Sandra,

In my thoughts and sending best wishes.

Bal x

Stay strong Sandra my friend. Only two days and you will be a year into gamble free adventure. 

You have had to cope with a number of difficulties over the last 12 months but you have carried yourself with dignity, honour and resilience and have earned my utmost respect for all you have achieved.

Wishing you contentment and happy days as you continue on your journey.

Stephen x 

Woof woof to Bella x 

Thanks Bal & Stephen..

Im struggling today. Well bad anxiety. From the early morning. Just don't know what to do with myself...worry worry worry about everything.

Lil girl keeps wanting to escape to the garden and im back and forth in bringing her back in (too hot). May ask why door is not shut to prevent such stuff...well, i chain smoke today too (possibly had about 40 f**s so far) ..i also nervously pace around the patio..all 6k steps already complete just walking round in circles ☹...i dunno whats wrong with me.

Just that bad feeling lingers and doesn't go away. I feel like i would benefit talking to someone but then i silence myself from reaching out. Sad and lonely today..just like that.

Pain still comes and goes. Cannot find comfortable position just to stay still. Feel guilty re work and so on...why i find it so difficult to put myself first?

Its indeed my own fault to be where i am  now. Cannot manage my life. Cannot start connections. Acceptance of being a failure is quite overbearing too.

I will just watch hours go by today. A day will be written off. Its ok. Not first and knowing me - not last.

It is not all that bad many would say. Its just soo difficult to put these emotions in the correct places....to find the rationale in my being.

S&B xx

I continue to read along, when I stop by and I always wish good for you. I rarely post, as I have no advice to offer, other than that I already offered in the past.

Be blessed,

f x

Thanks for your reply. It sends warm meanings to know that diary entries are read. Without here who knows.. But its my saviour 

Stay safe.. Keep watered in this heat and thank you 

Love boo ???

Hi, thanks Boo. Remember, people reads however sadly In this day & age, hardly responds...but, please be assured that your words are heard and taken in consideration by many cx

Diary,

I MADE it to a year! No slots for the whole 365 days. Thank you dear Lord and my gorgeous little girl ??❤❤...your support have been the stepping stone in my journey this time round...

Onto the next chapter i go - day at a time

S&B xx

Massive congratulations Sandra on your excellent achievement.

For a full year you have overcome temptation and refrained from gambling.

Very proud and inspired by the courage and resilience you have shown.

Best wishes as you continue on your gamble free journey.

Respect from your friend Stephen x.

Ps I am presently having a break from posting on the diaries but will be following your progress and in my heart will be cheering you on.

Morning sb ,

many congratulations ? on a year gamble free , ? 

Brilliant I'm really pleased for you and your beautiful girl. Trotting along together, over the bumps in the road. Keeping each other company, with a wag , with a lick, with a paw xxx

Well done sb keep up the good work and enjoy your day