...

Thank you all.....xxx

I woke rhis morning around 0200...( trouble sleeping recently). Read few entries...something about ducks and all that..and not so nice comment from someone....but i chose to not register the emotions..

....and then thought...stuff this, won't let anyone P**s on my parade...however, was very conscious that i did the same on few others...so...yup..guilty.

Today was just as mundane as yesterday. Not up to much...worried about lil girl. She hardly moved...tends to hide away also...

To top it off i came up with a plan to start proper saving for the next few years...if i put work in -i will see the results...huh...

...until sister rang and P****d on my parade once again. Need cash right. Of course. God knows what debt she is into but through gritted teeth i transferred all the last saved up penny for this month over...sigh...that's my plans of saving almost savaged.

So...i am here but not here. I struggle still..i worry about lil girl..and also work, even if im not there for a while now. I am depressed and here im bouncing back again. Im motivated and then full faced down to the ground crying and watching endless NetFlix...

I guess...im human. ..and that says more than anything.

Enough for today. ..i am g free and that's what counts.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Diary,

I absolutely detest myself being in drink. I never thought that i can become this nasty awful person then. When did it change? Its like day and night. Like a dark side comes out and no stopping me spitting poison out. Not good. I need to sort myself out.

Not so good night last night. Woke up early to lil girl choking/coughing or God knows what. She tried to cough something up but failed. I panicked..of course. Was fearful she cannot breathe. Tried to get her to drink some water but she didn't. Fed a bit of chicken in hopes it will get whatever was in her throat out...it didn't work. She vomited that out. So after good 40mins of me trying to comfort her or to come up with good idea what to do (whilst researching emergency vets) she managed to calm down. ..and so we laid on a carpet in the landing with me gently rubbing her chest/back/belly. She calmed down and all the coughing stopped, breath evened out....a bit of calm returned to me.

We went bk to bed and she slept few more hours peacefully. I do not know what all this was about, dont think she ate something last night...maybe she just choked on her own flem? I have no idea. I honestly thought i will lose her whilst in my arms. Its very scary feeling.

By now she ate, drank water and had a walk.  Appears ok..actually last night she kept away from me which was strange. Maybe then she didn't feel well? She stayed in other room all evening..

Its so hard to know when they cannot tell....

Not sure if sister's request for money affected me more than i originally thought. Whatever i had extra i gave her...again...upsets me when next thing i hear - oh yeah, im going to have facial done..umm, my hair needs cutting and look at those long nails! It really makes me wanna shout at her! Get food and pay bills if you ask for money, not go faffing around to beauty salons! She knows im peed off...

We are very different. I cant remember last time  i bought anything for myself..yes, i did after lockdown hair last month but that is it. Completely it. Nothing else for myself for a good half a year. Clothes?..ummmm..maybe 4 years now! I did not buy myself anything for ages...she is opposite..Completely.she will spend money on beauty and clothes no tomorrow..she could go for months on daily shopping spree!

I guess thats my rant over..at least she is not gambling. Im sure of that.....has other "addictions" netherless...sigh

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Wow...i have been really down this week. Today woke up in pretty low mood also. Lil girl, i suspect got a cold. She has these episodes of coughing/choking. Boiled some chicken with rice as read somewhere, it helps them...she also rests a lot. I clean her eyes a lot too as the stuff keeps appearing...i just try to make her feel comfortable.

Very deep thoughts today. Fearing that depression is settling back in. I kinda allowed it really.

I spoke to someone i do not know today. Just general stuff and my feelings. The load was not lifted but sharing it out of my head maybe helped a little. Its, its difficult to live with my own mind day in day out...of course i, as every human...needs to talk now and again....I eventually cooked, washed and did shopping following that so that's a positive.

I really want to find my soul again. Inner peace. I try to look back at times where i felt better. Of course i had those days. A little rollercoaster this life is anyway huh.

Im sorry im crying diary. I know its down to me to make that change to get out of this circle. I just really find it so hard...sigh.

But im not gambling...no...i will not use that escape to suppress my emotions. I shall feel them and go ahead with them. I will not loose hope.

Take care. 

S&B xx

Hi Stace, cheers for that! Checked it out and looks like its the perfect community to join and share with! 

I always said that supporting others is part of my own therapy/healing. Very sadly i lost my way on here but i shall not lose hope and maybe one day will come back as a better person and offer more as i did in early days.

Diary,

A bit better sleep last night. Lil girl slept all night through also and didn't cough...a blessing for me and feel a lot calmer.

Gotta sort some work stuff out and bounce back to the living and routine once again. A week off was a bit of a nightmare to say the least..but, the world continues to turn around and i shall re-join that race once more.

Blessings and stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Long time (well...for me ??)

May come as a shock but im doing really well!i found my old self..the laughter...o*g how much i have missed it!

I am ok..maybe tired with work but no dark thoughts..no self pitty...no negativity (ok ok..sometimes maybe lol)

Its gone from phone being quiet for days no end..to it keep pinging on all different networks all day long!! ?..i am appreaciated and i have friends again..how amazing is that!!

I found the group i feel i belong to and i re discovered what i love -support others!..giving is taking back more than expected!!!

oh..i am also a moderator for that site ?..who would of thought!

Saying that, i may feel your pain mods on here..its tough job..i always knew it but now see for my own eyes.

No gambling to report...

Update goes to Chris K more than anything..i am good and ....enjoying life..for once ?..hope you're well too..

Stay safe all

Till next time

S&B xx

Good morning Sandra,

It’s great to read your update this morning and really good to hear you have found your old self and laughter again. You deserve that Sandra, you’ve been putting in a lot of work and we are really pleased to hear that you are reaping rewards for this.

So although amazing, it’s not unexpected as you have a lot of great qualities. Sometimes when we are going through difficult times we can momentarily lose sight of these, but you’ve always had them, so I’m not surprised to hear you have friends again and you’re being appreciated.

It’s so good to hear you are enjoying life again and supporting others too on their journey.

Keep up the amazing work and all the best with the moderating! 

Best wishes
ChrisK

Forum Admin

This is great to read! So happy for you!

Many congratulations on passing the one-year mark. Well done 🙂

f x

Thank you all ?

???

Hello sb. So well done on your year. Never easy is it but you conquered and besides that always supported others too. 

Take care... Love to you. Boo ?

Hi diary & thank you boo ??

Im doing ok...still fighting the good fight..just with much bigger army behind me which is...what i needed i guess.

Still show vulnerabilities and still tell some ppl to f**k off if needed..i guess its me ?‍♀️

Not every day is rosy but what i have noticed, i don't think of work that much. I dont check emails any more..or my workload..i leave it behind which is Aboslutely amazing. Mind is occupied, life is quite busy. Keeping up with the gym and keeping myself outta trouble ?

Friends comes and goes but how much fish in the sea? I dont dwell that much anymore.

I show respect and am honest, the least i expect from others also...the same.

No other issues to report. No gambling..yay! Didnt even cross my mind for a good while now! Happy days indeed ?

My advice?keep on it. Build it up brick by brick..it DOES get better but without change you will just continue going in circles..let go, claim your life back..you're worth it!

Blessings ??❤

Hello GC world,

Nearing 400 days gf and think its the first time in my recovery journey that i reached such goal. Almost no urges and hardly think about such escape.

Volunteering a lot of my time to that site. It does drain me emotionally as so many broken souls there but on the upside, it helps me to distract myself from my own problems. Plus....knowing that you help someone is absolute incredible feeling!

Had few days off this week and back to the grind as of tomorrow but...kinda managed to keep the balance..home, doggo, gym, sleep ?..good stuff indeed!

Wish all tbe best for everyone..keep marching on one day at a time...recovery IS possible.

Hugs all ?

S&B xx

Hi SB lovely post .you sound happy to be on this earth now, your doing good I bet in her own way below notices too x

Great to see you ticking all the boxes Sandra

You are one amazing lady who has inspired me greatly.

Nigh on 400 days ago you took gambling by the scruff off the neck and threw it in the bin. That must have taken a lot of courage and has earned you my respect and admiration.

Keep smiling dear friend and give my regards to Bella.

Aum   Aum   Aum

?  ?  ?

Sandra you are a star.

Congratulations on 400 Days GF.

Wishing you and Bella every happiness as you continue on your journey.

Aum   Aum   Aum

?  ?  ?

X x x 

Hello all,

Thank you very kindly for lovely messages!

Yes, continuing on the road to recovery one day at a time ??❤

Have a blessed and peaceful weekend everyone...be kind to you ?

S&B xx