...

Hello ?

Haven't forgotten you my old friend. 

Another week passed, all is ok and no problems with gambling.

Work is extremely busy and stressful. Im right stress head recently ?

My transfer is going ahead again after like 4 months halt so that's good..something to look forward to!

Ummm..what else ?..baby girl is well, my love for her continues to grow!!

Ahh, Drama lamma -just wanted to send you my condolences and peace to your heart...you're strong woman, you will figure the way forward.❤

That is about it for now..

Take care all

S&B xx

Good evening Sandra.

Pleased to see you are in a positive frame of mind and coping well with everything that is going on in your life.

Best wishes for October with a woof woof for Bella.

Aum x 

Hi diary...thanks Stephen xx

So..i tried my best. I fought and continued with dedication and determination..and, tried my best to stay safe.

I failed a little...i may have Ms Rona now. I don't know yet but test is on a way. 2 week isolation also. ?..not cool at all

Maybe &hopefully its just a flu!

As of other issues..etc..gambling..im ok, i haven't gambled. And, i pray to God, i will not.

But...as everything...just for today

Not much else to add..a bit bahhh..and head in the space..the fog, the dizziness, the cough.....breathe...

Stay safe all..pls

S&B xx

Hey,

Yeah yeah..all is ok, thanks. Was cleared from that "worry" so now back to normal.

Tired & bored...but, i continue ahead safely and to the best of my abilities.

Take care all, much love

S&B xx

Hi diary,

I came on here because i got a reminder of how good can supportive place be. I feel humbled. Humbled for GC and mostly its staff...and also, few very dear friends from here i no longer keep contact with.

My boss sent a email last night. ...ummm...from someone i helped out few months ago..(not just me..it was team work through out few years)..

I actually held my tears back..happy tears..tears which tells me " this is worth it...the pain, difficulties, danger and challenges...are worth these few words. Thats why i do it"

The words were: " when i given up on myself, you continued to be beside me and never gave up on me..you saved my life".

Why these words are important?because i felt like this myself..and sometimes still do and i remember how important support, non judgemental approach and understanding is.

So i thank you all...possibly for saving my life too and allowing me to save other's one as a result.

Humbled...thank you.

No gambling.

S&B xx

You're a wonderful person and deserve that back, in spades.

Thanks f,

Today i feel like tripping out...i am crying just because i can..no reason for it..shift was dead but i feel so sad..tiredness??? Loneliness? Stress?..God knows.

I spent a lot yesterday..for me its a lot really...you may laugh dear diary (inner me)..

I bought a hot water bottle (cause mine burst a week ago and im.just cold) and two coats for Bella....i bought them.because im worried about money..i struggle again...but then i thought f*** it...ordering those was nice..i didn't have much care in the world..yes, possibly a weekly supply of gas..but..i had to spend...

And my mind is playing tricks on me..."f*** it"..that's a danger mindset. Feel like im on tbe edge of the massive cliff...shall i destroy myself??

I hate this mindset...i hate what it does to me..im.angry at myself..im...im really angry!

How to help myself and how to get out of this f*****g loneliness..feel so lonely its unreal..bella stared at me for good half hour..i couldn't offer her cuddles...im cold, im.out of reality, im ..on the edge.

No help needed..Sandra here will figure this out again...will i???? Yes ya freak...ya always do!

Hi Sandra

I’m really sorry to hear you are feeling this way,  sometimes it really hard to know what is behind the reason we are feeling so low, at times it’s just a culmination of things that all come to a head. Life stresses are hard enough without even contemplating the extra pressure we are all under due to Covid.

I am pleased that you are able to come here and express your thoughts, even though it may not resolve your current feelings, it can at least be a healthy release and a way of exploring the way you feel.

I love that you have treated yourself to a little something, I find that a hot water bottle is always comforting on these chilly days, you deserve that little something for you. During the tougher moments, it is important to try to remember how far we’ve come and how much we’ve achieved, you’ve been a great example of that through sheer hard work and determination.

It doesn’t surprise me that you bought two coats for Bella, always making sure she is safe and well and putting her needs first.  She’s lucky to have you but I know you’ll tell me you’re the lucky one to have her. I think you’re both really lucky to have each other.

I am sorry you are feeling that your mind is playing tricks on you and that you feel like you’re on the edge of a massive cliff, it must be frightening to be having those thoughts.  It is true that you always do manage to work your way through such thoughts because you are such a resilient person, but I really don’t want you to feel you have to do this alone, if you need to talk please remember we are here 24/7 to support you. Sometimes just talking through how you feel, can help make sense of why you are feeling that way.

Do take care Sandra and please do contact us if it would help to talk

Kind regards

Forum Admin

Hey, S

Many people reporting the same, lately. I don't say that to minimise your feelings but to say you are not alone!

My partner is a very stoic type - pushes himself to get up and do something, when not feeling like it, goes to the gym and beasts himself. He has felt really sad, lately, too. 

I would say that the disconnection caused by covid, has made us vulnerable to our addictions more than usual. Johan Hari has a good TED talk about disconnection being fuel for addiction and depression. It's not in a really depressing tone but helps you to realise that it's "not you, it's the cage you are living in". Humans are not supposed to live like this.

I have lost access to the joyful, positive people I know. I used to go dancing on a Sunday night and there was nothing required of me, except to turn up and express myself. I didn't need to give any care to anyone. I don't mind giving care but I struggle to cope with it, if there is not also joy and fun in my life.

Stay warm - even if you get into, like £100 of debt in order to be cosy this winter - how readily would you get into debt for gambling? I just decided to treat that as non-negotiable, when I was on benefits and lived in fuel poverty. There's something really grim about not being warm at home that really drags you down and does more harm than good. Makes it even harder for you to overcome any challenges that come your way. To better your situation.

Dave is 44 a few days before Christmas. We have set spending limits because neither of us are big spenders. I am making him 44 video clips, each with a reason why I love him. I hope none of this financial pressure is felt over buying gifts for Christmas. To show people love, is completely free. I know he will find this his favourite present.

Sending love and support and a little jump starter cable of energy to zap you with 🙂

Hi Chris and Freda,

Your words are really valuable to me. Its ok not to be ok and im  not alone!

I am transferring forces and something went wrong (not my fault) and this really upset me. Plus tiredness, darkness all day long and a little financial struggle as i am not able to do overtime recently (physically exhausted)...so yes, its not easy. I also felt very alone, esp yesterday..i cried all day, i worried my sister and i honestly considered something very dark...but, i went to bed..woke up add started the day again. Hormones didn't help as i came on..not sure if its age or something but PMS is really awful recently. It knocks my mental state off the track completely...yesterday i was scared..truly was. 

Covid does not affect me. I like my cage. I like to be alone...not 365 days a year but, i honestly like my space. Cant remember last time i went out and about. Cant remember last time i bought something for me...except few days back...still awaiting that hot water bottle delivery ?

Bellas coat came tho..she enjoyed warm walk today..this makes me happy..what also makes me happy, that i feel a lot better today. I went to the gym and did food shopping. Im off work and can just relax at home. I can have a hot bath to ease belly ache. I can feel at peace knowing i dont need to rush anywhere...drive in the dark for work or face the stress whilst there...and...i did not gamble..i did not.

So these are blessings. Am blessed to aknowledge those.

Thank you both again...much love...

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Am a bit sad today. Its ok i guess as every day is different. Just recently i struggle. Maybe weather doesn't help and maybe cause i didn't see lil girl for 2 days now. Miss her so much. My life is so empty without her.

Today i wanted to go to the gym knowing that it's my last chance for a month..i didn't make it. Yesterday during training i got kicked in the knee so hard, i think my knee cap is facing other way now..all wrapped up and everything to keep it in place..but just couldn't make gym...sad...yet i will still hop hop to work shortly.

Am still having doubts re transfer. Had a chat with good souls yesterday and it confused me even more now. Very uncertain about my choices and wishes. Does not make it easier for my daily life and mental wellbeing...

Haven't gambled. Urges, yes..few. money is tight as didnt do any overtime for the past two months..and now sister's bday and Xmas approaching...sigh...

Need to phone parents but procrastinating. Can i put up a smile for them? I will honestly try.

That is all for today.

GC staff, if you can, please respond to the email from 2months ago regarding my moderation. Thank you.

God bless all, stay safe ❤

Its a difficult morning..still no sleep and knee is still in pieces..

I miss my girl..a post on here triggered me..it was not cool...run away from place of safety? You will be caught either way!!..simply cause your wellbeing is many ppl priority.

Umm..doggo..this breaks my heart..i made last min decision re mine..i left her at sisters...because she seems to b happy there...

What about me? Am i selfish?, she is not my blood...only soul...and soul sometimes means more than blood...

Is she better off without me? That's my only concern..is she? If so..i dont think i have much to live for..

4 days my baby girl...i miss you..i miss you a lot..

Can't wait to reunite

S&B xx

((((S))))

It sounds like it is merely your circumstances and nature of your work patterns that make her better off with your sister. It's not you, it's the long shifts you do. You aren't a bad person! Dogs struggle to be left for 8 hours, nevermind 12+

I know it's not a great time to think about new horizons but a different job would mean you could totally meet all of her needs. It's clear you absolutely adore her. I can't imagine her being anything other than blissfully happy with you. I think your lifestyle just isn't the most compatible for a dog when there's no-one else home. 

Sounds like you're beating yourself up as a person, when the problem is completely practical in nature and is only about circumstances.

You have the power to choose a different lifestyle and prioritise being home for Bella. It's not something that's impossible. There are other jobs, other careers.

I hope this doesn't come across as judgemental as that's not how it's intended. Just sometimes people don't realise that they can change things rather than struggle on. I don't know if this is making any sense. You might FEEL stuck but you aren't when you think about it.

Lots of love,

f x

Hi f,

Not gonna lie or pretend that this post didn't hurt. It did and it didn't help.

I had many thoughts running through this mind since i read it and re-read it. 

And im still in the same place after going few circles. Im not gonna air it on here tho.

I love my girl but i also am determined to succeed at my d**n awful job. I have hope and i have some options.

Maybe she is indeed better off with sister since im ..used not to have her around and obviously incapable of looking after her full time. Maybe she never meant to be for me. Life is a b***h...accept it.

Thanks for the input but also..pls take into consideration how person describes the entries and how visible pain is showing before you knock them down even lower.

Take care all.

S&B xx

Awww, S that was not my intention at all. So sorry it was received that way.

Take care