...

Hi SB...Have no doubt Bella is a very lucky girl to have you. The fact that she happily stays with your sister is a big bonus you can go to work with the knowledge that she is safe and secure somewhere where she also feels happy. Our first German shepherd cass we had at a time I was nursing and hubby drove lorries we had a Rota of family/ friends come check on her and my dad used to walk her, he would often just take her home with him especially the day he walked in and she'd eaten the sofa to pieces !!! You are doing your best for your best friend she loves you for it xxx

So here  is a thing about Bella and what i see in her..i never seen her childhood..only got her when she was in her 30's...she is now over 50..same ear and a half..and i always wondered about it. I do know tho..thats she was looked after at a time..

She helped me to get through the worst part of my life..losing my bestie from here..and since then, the connection grown.

I changed my job facing many challenges..in and outta work.. i reached out to sis who thankfully accommodated her stay.

Sometimes its a day..sometimes..during lock down..its a week..but i know she is loved.

What i see now? I see graying soul..still barking at fireworks as to protect me and the household..little does she know that i am in control of those and protecting her...

She is there for me no matter what..may be those walks along the river whilst i calmed my mind down with walking meditation, maybe those moments she scared me and had to be rushed to vets..maybe the separation anxiety...maybe all those...but what i see very clear..i see and elderly dog who shows unconditional love no matter what...unity, understating and togetherness....the trust and love..companionship...how could you give this gift away?!

Im blessed..i love her..i never want her to go.

S&B xx

Just keeping it short, as I don't want to trigger any further hurt or upset. Just to say, I'm still reading along and sending positive vibes as always.

f x

Ummm..thanks f,

Ya know..i tried to spit some stuff out for ages now..just how bad i struggle..like, March i think..no reason really..just life. 

I drink so much it worries me. Every day..work or not..im completely outta it after work. Noticed it ...maybe few good months ago...noticed that i cannot cope without it. Did know i need help for a while also, but such urge takes over.

I replaced addictions. Just like that. Gambling means nothing to me any longer..blast from the past..now i have THIS issue..again.

You know..i look at lil girls eyes and she deserves better..proper free walks. Not sure if this nemesis gives me anxiety and fear (of course it does..its my worst enemy right)...but im scared..scared of almost every person walking past..paranoid...are they enemy? Are they gonna attack?...i never leave phone at home..and yes, im overprotective...

Meaning of this post, i want the best for lil girl. Let her run free again. Take her to woods...take her for her freedom..since her attack i can't..since me misusing stuff i can't, it does not help one bit...but i wish i could.

Taking her to sis means she gets that. They do take her out properly..they're not scared..i am...because im damaged and i continue do damage myself more...every day..by choice...unexpected death is scary but knowing that you are killing yourself slowly is not really an alternative huh?

That new site i found was a temporary happines..adventure...now i see it also wasn't for me. What is?That's the question.

No gambling.

S&B xx

Hello SB28

You appear to be aware of drinking too much which is causing you some anxiety. There is support for you to look at this, in the same way as your gambling.  Perhaps keep an open-mind and have a look on www.alcoholicsanonymous.org.uk also contact your GP who may be able to refer you to a local service.

Wishing you a good day

Amanda

Forum Admin

Last few weeks went downhill. I am a bit concerned about myself. I dont feel i am competent at work at all. I go in to make up the numbers...not proactive at all. I just pray for the safety. Proper anxiety. When and how it came on? Is it winter time & now no gym? Depression...something MAJOR missing?

I don't feel part of the team...i just disclosed it to sis (im after nighshift)..she said..is it you? 

And that got my rocker off of course. I got mad..i got upset and i wanted to cry on the phone..instead i said "ok, whatever, im going to bed, have a good day"...fully knowing that its her second day at new job and SHE needs support!!! Feel like poo now...really do.

Im just not having a good time. I am trying to avoid going off with stress...i cant do that for my career.

No gambling...

Freda, pls dont comment about life choices..i really don't need that right now...thank you, appreciated and god bless all!

Ps..i was looking into specialising last night..and guess, im nowhere near for that. I do not put the work, confidence and proactivity required in ?..

Xx

Hi diary,

Another day..another struggle..

Saying that, today was one of the best days in a long while. I didn't shut down as i do..(well, i did from the colleagues actually as needed peace) but instead pushed myself to be proactive and...brave...and somehow..must be a miracle, it actually worked and i felt pretty human again. Like, having control back.

On my way to work i pondered about my being really. I happened to look at passing cars and seeing the drivers and thinking "what is your  life story like. What struggles you faced/facing...what achievements you made"..it was strange because i feel extremely detached from the world and reality. I truly am. ....

The other day i thought i need to clear my wardrobe out. Basically chuck it all out..all clothes inside included. I didn't open those door for probably half a year...maybe longer..hate to think...maybe many cobwebs in there?..the thing is...i don't dress up, i don't go out and i guess i only use gym wear for gym and jeans when i do food shopping. Home trackies which goes for walkies also..that's it. One pair of trainers for gym, converse for food shopping..that's it. Thats strange when i look at it like that..i only need two pairs lol...wow! What a realisation!

Its also sad. ..because i started to go down that spiral quite rapidly now. I need help before its too late but the longer i drag, the stronger i believe my life is ok..its not. Its truly not. Its not normal. Its pain and existence. Work, drink..sleep..repeat. ?

No gambling tho..almost 500 days

.never been this "sober"innmy journey...That's a positive...day at a time.

Thank you diary.

G'night

S&b xx

It was good to read your post and to hear that you had a 'better day'.  We strive for "progress rather than perfection" - keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember to be kind to yourself.

Hope you managed to get a goodnights rest.

Best

Amanda

Admin Forum

Thanks Amanda xx

Diary,

Today was another decent day...im scared to get used to them ?

Dragged my b**t out at around midday (i do struggle to get up...i wonder why!). .had 2x cups coffee and before was ready to face the day, there was time to leave for work.

Again, a bit disappointing start but i put a mask on (literally & metaphorically speaking) and got on with the day! A lot calmer and confident on the phone which is a progress! (Have to be in spare room tho..hate ppl listening in).

Then met my old boss..from like 8 years ago and she boosted me a bit by saying " i always seen you doing this..im so happy for you!!"..before i had a chance to object saying its not as simple/easy as it looks..and i basically hate it...she expressed how she is getting on the phone to another worker (my...ex supervisor) to tell her that she saw me and we spoke....bahhhh... couldn't kill her excitement!!

Then i saw this homeless gent who i grown to like a lot...he has this staffie with him who never leaves his side...never on the lead and always so smart and loving! I stopped by him...asked how he is and if living accommodation has finally been resolved...its going along slowly but hopefully will by the time cold sets in! Lil doggo jumped all over the car and even if gent asked him not to do so..i didn't mind...not my car ?..not my scratches to account for ?..i said my goodbyes and made sure they sleeps warm tonight! (Hotel accommodation sorted by council!) Tempted to give some cash but doubted my duties allows! I will do...when im plain clothed tho!

Then ...the day carried on with few stresses and me moaning about putting weight on..yup..dont get me started!6kg man...brrrrrr...need my gym reopening asap!

Ended the day a bit..emotional shall i say. I spoke to boss and asked if he put me on trial/test or something because i feel really...not part of the team recently. He was honest and said no way...and that i dont see what others sees in me! Im doing good..really good! I thanked for the honesty and was truly open about my paranoia and MH. I did say that i put thoughts in to my head and let them manifest...and its never a good outcome...we came to conclusion to do one to one more and come out with solution..pheww..so greatful as this feeling was eating at me for a good while now!

Ummm..long but calm drive home after picked lil girl from sis...now..maybe/hopefully sleeps..but Netflix and catching up with my other group first!

Stay safe all...THERE IS a light at the end of the tunnel...believe..& speak up..else you will be going round in circles.

Night GC ❤

S&B xx

Really enjoyed reading your Diary.  Another positive day - picking up on your 'scared to get use to it'.  Sometimes the painful days are more familiar than the good days and that can feel scary.  Let yourself feel good - you deserve too! 

Have a good day

Amanda

Admin Forum

Thanks Amanda, glad i keep you entertained ?

Diary,

Neither me or lil girl wanted to get up yesterday. Managed to face the day at 3pm.

Taken her out and made us do few rounds steady run around the stadium i walk her. It was ok until i saw another dog on the field..our time was up..but at least both of us got some excersice in..so to spk ?

Got bk and cooked fries and frankfurters with salad...figured i need to start learn to save up even more since payrise will be frozen soon..hmmmmm...not gonna go into politics here.

Phoned parents and attempted fitness class online..did like 25mins but felt it on my legs all night ?

Work beckoned late evening. Struggled to drive and o*g how cold it was! I was one moany gal all shift. Heating up full blast and refused to get outside ?..even if gad to on few occasions! Did some admin and stuff and pretty happy with my workload. Nervous about next week as...something coming up and im just a bag of nerves...sure i will be fine...i hope anyway!!

Drive home was a struggle...very tired. Now just feel a bit bahh..but maybe combination of cold/nighshift and tiredness..plus slight stress...lil girl fed ...i am having a drink...of course...sleeps after!

No gambling at least...but i could kick myself with other addictions...difficult to shake...very difficult..but i shall try ..

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Can't believe we are almost in December! Year flew by so quick. 

Didn't have enough time to recover from work, in fact, only had yesterday full day off, tomorrow im back to work. Long week ahead and am not sure if im prepared for it.

My cyber friends put their xmas trees up yesterday and actually made me feel a bit selfish and gloomy as i just dont have the spirit for it. I should do it for lil one at least. This year i want a real tree also. Something in the back of my mind wants to feel more at home. (Back home my parents always puts real tree up). I guess its the smell what makes it more magical!..yes, next Monday, when i finally arrive to my day off, i will try and put it up!

I now noticed how lockdown affecting people. Didnt feel it as much first time round, however this second one crushed even me. Maybe cause its winter? No vitamin D and no gym to keep me mentally and physically excersiced. 

At work, every second call is mental health related. You can clearly see what effect all this has on people. Its sad and worrying indeed. Too many are suffering in silence and chooses this one and only way ticket as escape. Not many has hope left any longer. Nation needs to come together again. Tje damage caused by lockdowns will take a long time to rectify.

I went for a late night stroll in town yesterday. Lil girl enjoyed it and i did also. It was peaceful. No people around, only xmas decorations and lights. Lifted my spirit up briefly. Again, little things i suppose.

Tomorrow is my mum's bday and even if i cannot be there in person, i will make sure i find a gap at work to phone up and send her my best wishes and love ❤

Didn't think much of gambling. Hardly do. However this does not mean im over & done with it. No. One trigger, one wrong choice and im back in that harmful oblivion. Sinking financially and emotionally.

Still trying to tackle other vise of mine. Unsuccessfully unfortunately...but hoping one day that lightbulb moment will switch and i come to realisation that i cannot destroy myself no longer.

Not much else to report. 

Going off moderation soon...a whole year on it! A whole year of something i said/did what was against the rules. Believe i learned my lesson/s.....really missed the freedom of speech!

Take care all

S&B xx

Hi S&B your post certainly sounds more positive so I hope that continues for you. You work hard so when you get time off with Bella enjoy it a real tree is an excellent idea she will  absolutely love the sniffs our dogs do. Funny story years ago when I lived alone I had cats.....tree is a toilet right ??? Lol 

Hey charlieboy,

That is actually very good point well raised ?. Is she gonna think she is in the forest? Will she drag it down expecting to find a squirrel hiding in it or use tree as toilet? ?..awe man, I'm worried now but still prefer a real tree! Let's see how it goes right ??

Thanks for dropping by and raising a smile to this face!

S&B xx

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