When to step away

I've been with my husband for 17 years, married for 6, and we have a 4-year-old daughter together.

Around three years ago, he inherited about £30,000. The plan was to use it as a deposit for our first home. He gave me £2,000 to clear my overdraft and credit card while I was on maternity leave, and we agreed to wait until I was back at work before speaking to a mortgage adviser.

Things kept getting delayed. First, he had a pay rise and wanted to wait until it showed on his payslips. Then, last year, we finally agreed to see a mortgage adviser and even viewed some houses. The adviser asked us both to send over our financial information. I sent mine, and my husband told me he'd sent his. I later found out from the adviser that he hadn't.

When I confronted him, he admitted he wanted to separate because he felt we hadn't been getting on since our daughter was born. Shortly afterwards, he confessed he'd had a gambling addiction for over 25 years. He told me he'd been around £10,000 in debt when he received the inheritance and had gambled most of it away trying to win back his losses. By then, the inheritance had almost gone apart from the money he'd given me and about £6,000 left in an ISA. He said he always paid the household bills first and had never borrowed from family, but his credit card debt totalled around £22,000.

I decided to forgive him. He put gambling blocks on his accounts and regularly showed me his banking so I knew he wasn't gambling. By New Year, he'd reduced his debt to around £2,000 and said he was going to start saving again. I gradually relaxed because I genuinely believed things were improving.

Recently, though, I noticed changes. He was constantly on his phone, never seemed to have any spare money, and was much shorter with me. I asked to see his accounts, but he refused. He said I'd just have to trust him and that he didn't want to go back to showing me everything because he'd worked hard to rebuild my trust.

At the same time, the owner of the house we rent told us they plan to sell around Christmas. We discussed our options, and he suggested renting for another year before buying. I'd managed to turn my own £4,000 savings into £9,000, and with the £6,000 in his ISA we'd have £15,000 towards a deposit. I suggested booking another appointment with a mortgage adviser, and he agreed.

The next day, he texted me saying he wanted to end the relationship. He told his parents we were separating, and I started looking into my options for renting or buying on my own. We agreed not to tell our daughter until we had a proper plan in place.

Four days later, everything changed again. He admitted he'd relapsed into gambling shortly after Christmas, stopped for a couple of months, then started again around three months ago. He now has around £35,000 of debt and has lost everything, including the £6,000 in his ISA.

He says he wants to stay together now, but I honestly don't know if I can.

Since admitting everything, he's been much kinder and says it's because he no longer has the pressure of hiding it. He's had an appointment with GamCare and is due to be matched with ongoing support. He says he'll tell his parents eventually, but wants to wait until he's started repaying the debts because he doesn't want them to bail him out. However, with his credit record, I don't know how he'll even be able to rent somewhere.

His parents have asked me whether the relationship can be saved. They say they don't get much information from him, but I've told them they need to speak to him directly. They've suggested couples counselling. He also says they asked him recently whether he was gambling and he told them no. I'm not convinced they know the full story, despite him saying they knew he had a gambling problem when he was 18. Last year he was desperate to stop them finding out.

My biggest struggle is that I feel our daughter and I weren't enough for him to stop. I also feel like I'm the only one trying to provide stability. I'm currently off work with anxiety, but every day I'm trying to do something productive to understand my options and protect our future.

He's suggested having his wages paid into my account, but I don't want that responsibility. I feel that's a role his parents would be better placed to help with if they choose to.

I'm completely torn. I don't want to abandon someone who's clearly addicted and needs help, especially after 17 years together. But I also don't know how you rebuild a relationship when there have been so many lies and repeated chances.

Has anyone been through something similar? Can someone with this level of gambling addiction genuinely recover and rebuild trust, or is it reasonable to accept that sometimes love isn't enough?