...

Thanx Dave,

Diary,

Really struggling today and still got miles to cover during the night. Didn't sleep today and here just have to go 100 miles per hour.

Read a lot of the posts today, some made me smile, some made me emotional. I hate this disease!!

No urges, see how i feel by the morning...if still standing:-)

Feel i need to find a way out of it all, still have no drive to move forward about changing my future. I say future, because we can't change past...

Still day 121....see what tomorrow brings

Sandra x

Sandra,

First of all I just wanted to say well done for surpassing two months gamble free. You deserve it. Also, to add that you have a very positive presence on the forum and spend a great deal of time supporting others. Good for you.

Keep up the good work.

Tomso.

Hey Sandra ...you did cheer me up :-))))

I've been in full posting flight today and just getting all this down so I can look back and see what's going on when I can't see the wood for the trees...

I know somedays my diary is heavyweight but I do appreciate ou popping in and giving me support ..I also think you are really racking up those days now .,

What I love is that even when you have a bad day..you come in here and get it all out and still keep g free...it's great and I hope you are proud and your friend is by your side..

Hugs

R and D xxx

Thank you both......,

Hey diary,

I made it to day 122!..I can't say i'm still standing, but just about sitting at the moment lol...It's freezing outside, only 6 degrees,i'm ice cube,you wouldn't think i use to feel comfortable in -20 winters 10 years ago lol....

I will not gamble today, simple because gonna be sleeping all day ( fingers crossed, i can't imagine myself after 50 hours none sleep, i am wreck as it is)...I like sleep for two reasons - you either escape from miserable world and no chance you can gamble!

That's it from boring Sandra, i'm already in a dream world lol, can't think of anything to type 🙂

Over and out!

Take care all and have a lovely gamble free day, simply because you are worth it! 🙂 xxx

Sandra x

Morning Sandra

It must take some adjustment with work and the hours you do it must be really difficutt to find that routine with life so full credit to you for doin so amazingly well, I know if my routine gets thrown out the urges come thick and fast but you continue to take each day as it comes embrace it enjoy it or deal with it whatever happens

Shows how far you have come, couldn't be happier for you

Castle2

Thanx Castle, and yeah i do agree with you, i don't think i will ever get use to these shifts...still hunting for new job:)

Well ready for a little ramble, so apologies upfront to all who reads......

Dear diary,

My plan to have some rest today didn't work, and i'm still between myself and the other side, out there somewhere .... Tired.....my sister kept me up with her needs all morning. but since i still can't say no....i give in and do stuff for her. I'm disappointed a bit...nobody seems to understand, giving up this habit, working patterns and dealing with the rest of the s**t from my past........

Urges coming all shapes and sizes....and i find myself reasoning with myself....what's a point in all of this? I feel like didn't move forward at all in my recovery, over hundred days...WOW....it all can go t**s up in a blink of the eye...b*****ks!

i'm getting angry again, and i'm sorry my diary you have to take the weight on ur shoulders.....it is getting too heavy for me....

Yep, sound like losing the plot, maybe i do, maybe just tired and frustrated with my situation........maybe just feel that this life is unfair...

I need to find the way forward...how to do that? It seems so complicated at the minute....

Seeing counsellor tomorrow...to say what? ....yea gamble free.....that's about it....do f*** all else to help with my recovery....

What's a point????? maybe little flutter would relax and slow my mind down?????

Felt quite low recently, thinking about it maybe last couple of weeks, so what difference today makes for me to turn to gamble?????????? No difference......Another s**t day and i will deal with it as i did for the last 4 months...I WILL NOT GAMBLE TODAY!!!!!

it's just not the way out.....day at a time....

And tomorrow is another day..

Day i can make a choice....

Load is off.......sorry for ramble .......

Keep fighting everyone, because this s**t is not worth our nerves and money!

Sandra x

Yo,

Pheeeeeewwwww ........ Take a breath love lol

When I was in recovery for five years , I could of written that post . I people pleased , out of guilt , out of duty , or maybe just to increase my own self worth who knows .

Sooooooo mrs , firstly you are doing brill , recovery is a slow process , we learn things or retrain ourselves we at times do it subconsciously , and they will not register but they are there. Every day growing , till in the end we start to feel we matter , we no longer live with the sole purpose of making amends to one and all including ourselves .

Like I said you may not feel it, you may feel like this is pointless but it AIN'T cos the alternative does not bare thinking bout .

Right with that said if you read this tonight , bloody well pat yourself on the back, cos you my dear friend have fought a battle that most people in this world either do not have to , or do not have the strength to .

And I know at times it does not feel like it at times but YOU are winning that battle a day at a time. For that I salute you !

Big fat hugs Hun

Shiny xxxxxx

Hey Sandra ...even though I'm on "the other side " I totally know how you feel just like Shiny said too..

All my anger was and still can come from people pleasing and going out of my way to do for others so I really do get that anger and feeling tired putting others needs first and you are left tired ..

I think you are also doing brill and you get those resentment out girl...you have a right to your feelings no matter what has happened in the past ..

I also felt the same as you last week...what's the point? All this work? Etc and I had a slip in my own recovery of biblical proportions ..smashing things up, verbal abuse , physical attacks .screaming ....you name it i did it and I felt and do still feel terrific shame because I lost control and felt all my good work was worthless..

I have made ammends bit still feel rubbish and like I want to hide away ..

It is worth it and YOU are worth it ,.sometimes things can happen that we least expect and support can come from the most unlikely of places....that's the beauty of all this ..

R and D xxx wishing you restful sleeps zzzzzzzzzzz

Hey girl, I know this must b weird, me replying to your post when I live with you but I know the last few days have been hard for you and it must b harder when I havent really been home for last 7days (due to new working hours). I want you to know how very proud I am of you, and I will always be proud and support you in anyway I can. You dont realise what a special person you are and how much just coming into my life you changed it for the better. I want to be able to do the same 4 you. I know its a long road ahead but I know your capable of achieving your goals. You do need to get some confidence back in yourself, and I think that needs to start with your sister!! You will never be able to move forward when she is dragging you back. You have done plenty for her in the past and its time to start saying NO to her and concentrate on yourself. Once you start it will get easier, trust me ive been their with ex friends, you need to take a step back girl and just breathe.

Im glad you have inspired so many people on here and they have helped you too. One step at a time, one goal achieved. Changes will happen for you girl you just got to believe in yourself 🙂

We have got a lot to do next year, holidays, concerts live the life we are still young (ish) lol.

Take care Sandra, and stay strong xx xx

Thank you ladies, it is most appreciated xxx

Dear diary,

I have good days, bad days,

sane days and mad days.

There are heaven days, hell days

and coping sort of well days.

There are wet days, dry days and

" God i need to cry" days.

Then i have the Dread days:

The " i will stay in bed" days.

Also the days i smell success

and see my way out of this mess.

Those days when i look and feel great

and those days thunderous with hate..

These are my days, some full of strife,

some full of hope, this is my Life.

But there is this;.....they say it's true

That it's very much the same for you....

Today is OK day, i understand WHY i need to move forward in my recovery....I'm not looking for perfection, i will take it day at a time and get where i want to be. Self respect, honesty and understanding is going to be my light out of this dark tunnel.

Be kind for yourself and more door will open..Day 123....I will not gamble today!

Thank you all for your kind comments, reposts coming soon:)

Sandra x

Morning Sandra

That sums up every emotion that we all go through on any given day and we all go through it and its all part of the process of our recoveries the key word that stood out for me is understand and that's crucial and only abstaining from gambling can we then start to do so, acceptance of what were goin through is important and sometimes when the bad days come we have to just accept them and get through them

You really have a gift with words and a lot of the time write from the heart it always leaves me with a good feeling as though all this is really goin through, be so proud of the way u support and touch people with those words its something u really don't have to do but choose too sometimes its good to take a step back and see all the good ur doing its so easy not to see it

Sorry to hear bout ur sister in her relationship mines exactly the same she just can't see it in the end all we can do is be there for them when they av there bad days, like u on my own it does scare me goin back into a relationship but at the moment I'm really not bothered I believe in fate and it will happen when we least expect it

Thanks again for ur continued support it means so much

Castle2

Aww Castle, thank you very much for your kind words...most appreciated (((C)))

Dear diary,

I thought i better log my thoughts while i feel good this morning lol. Had a good sleep and think positive about 3 nights ahead at work. Would like to thank Rebecca (GC moderator) for a lovely chat last night, which just brought more sense back into my recovery.

There is always sun after the storm and this saying proves to be right.I don't like my low days, but as i said in my previous post, it is normal and it is my life, so i have to accept all the days being thrown at me...

Went for a good run yesterday, completely different route, a lot longer and a bit dangerous at some parts ( no footpath) but i love it and can't wait to repeat it today:) My optimism come back and i feel more energetic:)

Well diary, day 124 and i feel proud of myself today..No way it's the end of the road yet, i'm more than ready for this journey, and just for today i have hope for the future:) I will get there only by taking a day at a time.

Thank you my dear friends for being on this lovely site: Irene, Rachel, Shiny, Castle, S.A, Duncs,Blondie, Joan and many more......i learn every day and i get the inspiration to carry on and keep fighting for what is ours.

Take care all and have a lovely weekend

Day at a time

Sandra x

Hi Sandra,

I just love reading a post like that after several days off. A great reminder of why we are all here and that what we are trying to accomplish is possible. Some days it does not feel like it but, our resolve to stop gambling is a truly noble one. Thanks for the affirmation!! 124 days gamble free. You are doing fantastic. Enjoy that run! -joanxxxxx

Hey Joan:-) thanx for popping by darling,really means a lot xx

Dear diary,

Early post from me. Busy and a bit mental at work tonight. Good job i'm already getting tired so defo no intentions to gamble. What pi....s me off at the minute is bloody e-mails and offers from the sites. I must of deleted about 10 today. Maybe need to change my e-mail adress...

On a lighter note, all good, legs ache( went a bit ott with running lol) but keep going and soon home time.. Another day, another choice to make...125 small steps made....few more thousands( millions) to go 🙂

I will make the right choice today, i want to set free more than anything!!!

Day at a time all

Take care

Sandra x

Good morning diary,

Come back on to log how i feel when i'm expierencing urges. I know i am tired, but my heart rate is going of the scale...that excitement of a little 10 bet to calm myself down before sleep. It is very interesting to analize how i feel. I can see myself changing into f*** it person, i see it as rewarding myself for all my work, like ....treating myself. I think, well i never know, i might be dead by tomorrow so why not to spend my time having fun here and now. I think,.... no it's not gonna affect my financial situation, i can afford it. My parents doesn't know, my sister don't care and and i can give myself that buzz i was longing for so long......

It's very strange sensations, and just now it crossed my mind if i would win or loose...money came the last to my attention......hmmmm. this is not about money...it is my escape from reality and hiding in a magic and colourful slots world....

WHAT A f***!!!!

God...i do still surprise myself.. shake it off and i'm coming back to reality. Took me nearly half an hour to type this, and it's slowly going away. Urges feels like you are obsessed by evil, it's there in every shape and colour....

I hate to be an addict, but i have to admit i am one and it will take a lot of hard work, believe in myself, strenght, hope and honesty to get where i want to get.

The thing is -I WANT TO GET THERE and it is the biggest drive in my recovery.

I am really sorry if i brought some painful memories back to you my friends, i'm just trying to understand myself and how i feel and react in these moments.

I will not gamble today.....all i will do next is get some d**n deserved sleep lol

Thank you diary, i will look back one day and see how desperate and silly i must of looked at that spare moment of mad thoughts...

Day at a time...125.....and more to come:-) ( fingers crossed)

Sandra x

Goodnight xx