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Morning Sandra

Finding that balance is so difficult like you mention with the amount of time spent on this forum like recovery it is bespoke and whatever works for u, at 1st like urself I was so active but kept hitting flat spots the balance of talking bout gambling daily which was the one thing I wanted out of my life I had so many questions how long would I be on here would my life ever change would I be normal , after a time comes the acceptance of it all this forum is a part of my recovery I need support and as we both know there's loads of it on here I just try not to think too hard ahead

Just keep looking at the big picture which is easy to forget, look at where u were in life when u 1st admitted the problem and sought help and support and where u r right now and the difference is huge and that will apply to all of us who just keep fighting and trying for that better life

So do what u feel is right ultimately ur recovery is all bout u and that's all that matters

Castle2

Thank you Castle, your words really helps me to realize my place here and why i do it.

Dear diary,

With little tears starting to stream from my eyes, i have to admit that i'm going through some heavy urges. Ok, deep breath and i try to think what else i can do to ride the storm..went for a run, had a bath, washing done, put telly on, swich it of, put music on...but don't seem to help..

What else can i do to get the buzz my mind is looking for????

Tough....very annoying..at home on my own, money in a bank...i need to get rid of it or something. It's just bloody ridiculous...i wan't to give my hard earned money away in a thin air....i better donate again...give it away...but don't feed this discusting habbit...

Nearly 19 weeks....long way, but looks like it can crash down in 10 minutes...i need to get my strenght and determination back...i NEED to keep fighting and keep believing in myself...IT IS NOT THE WAY OUT, never will be....

I only allow myself one and only chance...simple as, no f*****g messing about with £10 or £20 for a "fun"....it is what it is...just deal with it...

If i lapse.........

.....i will never forgive myself.....

End off.

Sx

LOVED your post on acceptance (Sept 27) and think it holds a lot of wisdom. I'm going to copy and paste it into my own little "recovery file". Don't doubt that your words help others but do use the forum in a way that best suits you and your needs. Hope you're feeling better and have a good sleep. ((S))

Me again. Just saw that we posted at the same time and I'm hearing your battle with the urge. You can do it, Sandra! Slay that dragon. Imagine how sh*tty you will feel if you go and gamble. You have come so far. I am with you fighting in spirit.

Hey Sandra..

I hope you found your cat and that you are keeping safe and managing those urges an hour at a time, or even a minute at a time,

Your hard work has made such a difference to your life and also your hard earned money is better in the bank or spent on something nice for you ....

Trying to understand those urges too and knowing you will navigate through with the support on here from people who really know how it feels ...

Keep safe Sandra xxxxx

Hi Sandra... I hope you managed to navigate through them urges and practice some mindfulness in the process. Being unwell combined with tiredness and being alone has often been a trigger for me. You have done the right thing by getting your thoughts out of your head and on to the screen. Today is another day and its time for a recovery run, in all meanings of the word.

Your a shining star on this forum. Warm regards... S.A 🙂

Hey Sandra,

Just checking in.. you are a constant support for me and so many others. It's unconditional here. I'm hoping you are off running or getting some much needed rest. The time differences always screw me up. Thinking about you and willing you some peace from those effing urges. -joanxxxx

Thank you xxx

Dear diary,

w*f......A lot of thinks today...went for 'never ending ' run...Well tired...

Just stick around...crawl my way forward...i'm still injured but not dead...will go till the end...

On a plus site- no gambling..133days today...

Seen my sister today, had a long chat trying to put things clear how i feel about the way i look at her decisions...but...once again, i can't wear her head...she has got the last word in all this....

Send money to parents...simple...can't risk having money on me...and i don't need clothes, or treating myself for f*****g my life up....i asked them to go out for nice dinner, buy what they wants, enjoy they life together......at least now...when they getting older...

I have no purpose at the min..

My dear Gizmo still not back ...nearly 4days....just hope he at least enjoys his freedom out there...

All good....tomorrow is another day...and who knows...it might just all go upside down...for better or for worse...

I will be standing just for today.....like you do....when you feel unbearable pain inside.....

Day at a time...thank you all..and once again...sorry diary...but i am not strong enough to carry all this on my shoulders yet...i do get tired now and again.......maybe one day, i will shut my gob and let it be.

S x

Hi Sandra,

You are strong. In spite of how shi tt y you are feeling at the moment you are resisting the urge to do something that will only make things worse. You are stronger than most. Hang on darlin. I am so sorry to hear you are in such pain. And as for that cat of yours... I hope he realizes that this is not the time to be roaming... I am here Sandra listening. Huge hug coming your way. -joanxxxxxxxx

Thanx Joan ((( J )))

Good morning diary,

Up since 3am because of nightmare. One of them things...

Going for a early jog, and try to have a kip before a nightshift later on.

No urges.day 134.

Addiction takes it all - Recovery gives it all back....in time

Take care all, day at a time...lets keep fighting soldiers

Sandra x

Hey Sandra ..

Those are fantastic words ...addiction takes it all and recovery gives it back ..that's what Duncs means when he talks of gifting and you are so right with that but it means patience for all of us doesn't it..which is not my strong point..

Don't forget , you are doing all this while keeping very disjointed hours and your sleep must be affected ..rest is so important and switching our racing brain off which I am rubbish at..

Trying to recover with all those factors going on is the biggest challenge and would be enough even if you had no stress in your life like work ,family etc,..so don't beat your self up at all about timescales and you just keep putting that foot in front of the other...

I do hope Gizmo sees sense and comes home...cats are fickle sometimes...I was always a cat owner before Dots came along, or should I say ..my cats owned me!

They so disappear and come back , normally like nothing's happened.

Mine used to hide in Garages and sheds...

Always great to see your posts Sandra and your doing fab...re.. Joan's post there xxxxx

Oh s**t............My dear friends, dear fighters, supporters and this amazing site......

Day 0.........

Here we go...

I felt it coming for the last week..and this morning, i felt quite cr**, but decide to open my e-mail on a phone, and seen this site with offer....What went through my head??? f*** it, just try it.....and don't be daft...look where you are....

The rest went in a daze, when i start registering...and only stopped, when had to get up to get my debit card.....i knew i was half way through......and don't know if you understand what i mean, but my gambling head took over...deposited £10...had one spin and felt so sick and dissapointed in myself....left the rest £8 in the account and self excluded,deleted everything and rang my phone network to put some blocks on my phone..

So here i am, still dissapointed, feel like let you all down and don't know why i did it...all i know...i REALLY don't like it, and really don't miss the " buzz " i keep mentioning on my diary...It's sick...

So now...i am determined for the full recovery, i did it, and it's gone....They can keep my change there...

maybe that was what i needed to really realize what i'm messing about with...

this site and people on here( as well as my recovery and self observation) is very important to me...more than anything....so i decide to keep writing on my diary...maybe don't count days anymore....maybe don't support others for a while( don't feel in position to do that at the min) even if my heart screams out to do so....

I don't think i will be able to look at my bank statement next month...too bad memories, even to see that one single transaction for £10....don't feel like telling my mate either...unless she reads my diary sometimes...it will soon come out...or shall i tell her?

Sad...i wanted to get to one year g free....and i know where is no damage financially...it's NOT THE POINT!!!! I caved in...like a scared puppy....i am not strong, but i know what i want from my future...One slip, i can forgive( i know i said i will never forgive myself) but i feel in my recovery i needed this wake up call......one spin...spiraled me back to the start....but i come out more wiser about my actions and belief....

Sorry all to let you down.......i suppose Joans tittle is suiting me the best " Progress not perfection".....

Live and learn...it hurts.....oh dear....back to square one..

Sandra x

Hai Sandra

Your far from square 1, a slip up with out the devastation. Its such a slippery addiction, with such a convincing patter in how a lal bet won't do any harm, but alas it does.

The deeds done, but the important thing is you used your wisdom in what this addiction is capable off and resisted. So yes ' progress not perfection'. You've made giant strides with a slight diversion from your path, now back on track you go.

Nice beating your self up, it is as it is! Keep marching forward

Hey Sandra ...no need to repost Hun you just regroup and keep close to your diary...in my head I want to say its a tenner ,write it off, but I know it's not about the tenner and I know how important it is to you ...

A slip up ...not a fall down.

I think I do understand a bit more about the build up people talk of..I used to buy clothes to get rid of that feeling and very much shop on anxiety, depression and anger.

Once I had seen a top or a jacket I wanted I could not get that picture out of my mind until I had bought it so I know a bit about that trance like determination,sometimes not being able to sleep!

Put it behind you Sandra ...progress not perfection, no meter ticking and in your own time xxxx

Thank you both,

dear diary,

I didn't realize it's gonna a strike me as it does now..I'm loosing my mind, i went for another run, and then tears start falling down...i just can't stop crying now...f***k, seems like drifting down by a minute...it's sinking in now...my conscious knows, it's only a slip...don't let it happen again...but it so much more for me......i feel like i was wearing a mask all this time, supporting others and now....doing this...

how much more i can suffer?...i don't know what to do and where to turn anymore...i can't face my councellor on Thursday, i can't face my mate on Wednesday( next i see her)....

Is this it? am i going down full force now????? My mind is going crazy, my head feels like it will explode in a minute....i want to cut my card up, i want to punch a wall....i want to get drunk...i want to forget i exist..

I am beating myself...no matter how " little" slip it was......it was my journey for better future....and it's not the same now....Why God, why?

Sorry all...i'm really sorry....

S x