Well this is probably been one of the hardest days of my life. Where do I start, ill start with why I'm here. I'm here because for many years I have lived a big lie, it started years ago when I enjoyed gambling as an occasional entertainment to the bingo with my friends and i look back at that and how enjoyable and innocent it made me feel at that time, addiction never came into it. Where did it go wrong when did the enjoyment of going out end up to be sitting on my own each day/night with my dirty little online secret called slots. I will admit i have spent all i have had and just like a drug addict i have 'chased the dragon' as they say always expecting to get the big win, although the control has been gone for years and any time i did win i just ploughed it back like an uncontrollable idiot. The ironic thing is i work with addicts and sit at work each day listening to their own experiences and stories, giving them advice about their addictions i kid u not, how ironic, albiet they are drug or alcohol addicts the principals of addiction are the same.
So why am i here well there comes to a point where i suppose have had to face my own dragons. It couldn't go on, the deceit, having the computer on silent, waiting till people where in their bed so my 'fun' could begin, minimising the screen if i hear anyone coming, feeling like cr** afterwards, scared again to look at my bank account yet again and my husband always just thinking we are skint because ive been paying the bills. I don't know why i cried about it last week i have cried many times in secret but this time i couldn't stop and it became an uncontrollable heartache, so my husband kept asking me what was wrong and for the first time I admitted everything, i dont know how, i guess i was at the end of my road, since then i feel i have opened up a can of worms as my feelings of guilt are overwhelming, my head aches so badly and i cant stop crying. I hope i can get through this now i have spoken to someone, i have relapsed too many times trying to conquer it myself, all weekend i cried and then had to do an even harder thing today tell my parents. I did it although i thought i was going to be a coward and not go through with it, i have decided the only way for me not too relapse is become public with it, so here i am day 5 no slots, who would of known i would even have the strength to get this far, i do hope i can keep it going as there is no going back for me now.
Hi Gem,
Well done for finding this site. It will set you on the right path. Read the diaries and you will see that the gambling demon is not selective. It hits so many people regardless of their occupation or how kind they are.
Every day you don't gamble you will get a little closer to a much better way of life.
Write in your diary exactly how you feel and you will get so much help and advice on here.
Take care of yourself in these early raw days.
Suzy
Gem
Firstly, welcome to the site. You will find loads of helpful people with great advice.
Well done for owning up to your husband and parents. That should make giving up a lot easier and as you've now gone 5 days without slots then you are doing excellently.
Hopefully they are being as supportive as they can because it's not your fault. It's the demon gambling which controls you and not your normal logical self. There is a Friends & Family section on here which they may want to visit to get an idea what other family members do to help or to just find their own advice.
Remember the past has gone now. You can't change it and you can't recoup the losses. Your future is ahead of you and can be as amazing as you want it to be. Difficult though it is don't dwell on the losses, but use the thoughts as inspiration to move forward.
Also, not everybody can go from gambler to giving up without a few relapses. I got to 160 days and then relapsed. But this is part of the giving up process. Hopefully you will be one of those people that just gives up. But don't do what I did. Don't get to a point where you feel you don't need to use this site. Keep using it even if you get to 100 or 1000 days.
Good luck and remember you've taken the first steps to a gamble free life.
Best Wishes
Craig
Thankyou for your great words of advice, i dont know why i havent ever been to gamcare before, i do remember seeing the words so many times when i was on sites and after losses went to responsible gaming pages and saw the words gamcare and never once clicked on them, why, well who knows but i guess i felt i was the only one in this predicament that i couldnt get out of with so many failing attempts by myself. i am over whelmed now by reading mirrored image stories of my life just like it could of been me writing some of the stories and this gives me hope for the very first time that i have taken a massive leap forward this time that i have never done before and i can at this time be proud of myself for this, i will never under estimate however the road that is ahead of me but failing is not an option.
For the first time in my life i can honestly say i do have an addiction that i need to conquer, that has consumed me with every bone in my body and breath that i take.
I have taken all steps necessary this time, i havent gone into this half heartedly, i used to self exclude for a week or a month, i used to exclude myself from sites, i tried free bet filters. These were all a waste of time as it still had the upper hand, i would just open new accounts, i would put in the password and uninstall filters so now i have closed all accounts, put password protected paid blocking filters in place (i dont know passwords) and most importantly of all i have let my secret become public to my family which i think is the biggest step i could of made. I embrace the journey thats ahead of me and hope you will all support me through it and that i can in time inspire and support you all too.
Hi Gem,
Welcome aboard this forum.
You are certainly not on your own in this mess, I have read your post, and can relate to it very clearly.
How innocent bingo turned into a nightmare of self destructive slots.
You have taken some very big steps towards your recovery already by being honest with your family, ( it's very hard to do that) and to start a diary, well done.
Use every barrier you can think of to prevent you from playing.
We use a triangle on this forum.
Time
Money
Location.
If you take one if these away it's impossible to play.
I take one day at a time and post on here everyday it certainly helps me To keep abstaining.
I wish you the very best on your new journey, and as you have said embrace this recovery, because every day we don't play we win.
Best wishes,
Suzanne x
Hi Suzy, Craig and Suzanne
Thankyou all for your great words of advice, I am extremely determined this time and hope with all your help I can suceed
Gem
Hi Gemgem
Well done on coming on this site and admitting you have a problem. You certainly will get loads of support and words of wisdom and encouragement. You can do this and you have made all of the right choices in the past 5 days and keep posting
Cheryl xxx
Hi Gem
Welcome to the site and well done for admitting your addiction. I lived with an alcoholic for 7 years so I knew only too well the devastation that addiction causes only to find myself an addict later on. Online slots was my downfall too and I can identify with the 'silent' and 'shrinking' so that no-one knows. I too felt like I was the only one. That is until I came to Gamcare (I took had seen the words on sites but never bothered to click on them). The relief that I was not the only one was marred somewhat by my compassion for everyone else on this site who either was or has been through the living hell that is gambling.
Although I have support from my sister who controls my bank account and put blocks on my PC, and my partner is aware of the situation, I have found the most support and encouragement on this site. People here understand, don't judge and are with you every step of the way.
You have put blocks in place which is a tremendous start but keep reading and writing posts. The diaries are inspirational (not mine, it's just silly). Join the challenge and march with us if you feel inclined - it will all help you on your recovery.
I wish you well in your recovery, you are strong and together we can all do this.
Elfie x
Well here I am day 7 abstinence its so early days and although I feel such a newbie at this I'm certainly no newbie to gambling. First of all thankyou to all who have spent the time to leave me messages everyone of which I helping me along my road and I cant wait for more, elfie I have read your diary you could be a writer what a talent and imagination every word is so true and fact not fiction and very real to me remember all fairytales have happy endings. Ive only been here since yesterday and never would I of believed how much tho has helped me and I know for the first time in my life with this I have found true everlasting help. My profession is supporting people with addictions strange really how I have the insight counselling skills to help and support others but I felt not myself, I guess it was because it was my secret and all that came with it was unspoken too. In my head for the first time I am remarkably listening to my own advice I never heard it before I just accepted that I was alone and incurable but I can now see I was far from the truth.
Hi Gem
You are never alone on here and I will walk beside for as long as you need me. We seem to come from all different walks of life but we all need someone t lean on and one that about this site is everyone is non judgemental and we are all trying to beat this together. There is always someone to give you a lift and by reading and posting it will hopefully help with your urges.
Take care and best wishes
Cheryl xxx
Day 8
Today has been a strange yet difficult day. I have been feeling a type of euphoria up until now this week, im not sure if its just because im on nightshift and tired or i have come down today with a bit of a bang. I have struggled throughout today with urges which has scared me, not that i havent had urges before, obviously i have and given into them everytime but this time it feels different as i need to not give in and need to keep the determination as in my mind as failing isnt an option for me.
I think maybe addiction has also hit home with me today as i was at an old friends funeral who for many years battled with alcoholism and at the humanist service alot was spoken about their addiction and their fight, determination and and at times failure throughout their life with it which unfortunately took them in the end. I suppose up until this point in my life i didnt see my 'problem' as an addiction but the fact of the matter is that it is and i couldnt bear struggling with this throughout my life i just want to switch a switch off in my head, i have for a long time now looked at others, friends and strangers and thought to myself its okay for you your 'normal'. Does it get easier or like my old friend will my battle just keep continuing?
I keep telling myself the mantra -
I CANNOT EVER WIN AS I CANNOT EVER STOP WHEN I START
Hi gems
Well done on your 8 days your right we can't gamble as we can't stop your basically giving cash for betting or slots vouchers that can never be redeemed your hard earnt cash just handed to bookies or whoever you gamble with its true we win we punt till we lose you are making right choice being here and are winning every day while your stopped 🙂 keep at it x
The bear x
Hi Gem,
You are doing great, keep strong and keep going,
and win again today.
Take one day at a time and keep posting and reading.
Best wishes
Suzanne x
That is a great mantra gemgem 🙂
I'm a big fan of positive affirmations. You don' even have to believe them at first! when you persist though, they have a habit of feeling more believable and true.
I always word them carefully though, with positive language - instead of "I am not a failure" (negativity in the words "not" and "failure") I would say "I am successful in all I do".
I remember for me in the early days of recovery that barriers were very very helpful. Gambling blocking software for my internet devices, and not carrying too much cash on me. I even set up a spare current account, which would never have more than around 40 in it. That would be the only bank card I would carry on me, so I could not go on a binge in a weak moment.
Best of luck, keep reading others' diaries as you will see yourself in them and learn from the experience of others.
Take care,
f x
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