Going to keep this thread now!

Hi all,

Im fine. Having trouble with doctors, have been palmed off in the past and hard to know what to believe when you've had anxiety problems. If you've been treated like a hypochondriac, its scary being pushy at the doctors!

I once went 13 months - over a YEAR! without a period. My then doctor said this was fine nothing to worry about. Spoke to a consultant gynaecologist couple of years later - to be told the fact he didnt refer me to have that investigated could have triggered my body into an early menopause!

Im sure everyone has a horror story or two they could share. Anyway, thats whats going on for me today. Having some symptoms and finding it hard to trust that im not being palmed off.

But am seeing doctor this afternoon after wrangling with her receptionist. Why are doctors so reluctant to see you unless you tell all your medical information to their receptionist first?! Surely this isnt a reasonable thing to expect people to do! I felt like saying something sarcastic to the receptionist like 'i have a large vegetable stuck in one of my orifices'. 'now can i see the doctor?'

Anyway, these things are all minor irritations that happen to us all i guess.

Today I will not gamble. Day 48 i think...

Today I will not gamble. Day 49, the story continues!

Looking forward to a lovely treat this afternoon. Having a 30 minute back massage. Mind (mental health charity) employ complementary therapists, and give them somewhere rent free to practice from. Because of the lack of overheads for the therapists, this means they can offer their services really cheaply. Its only £7.50 for a 30 minute massage would you believe!

Sorry to those in deep debt if I sound a bit spoiled, lol. Im just finding it important to give myself a treat once a month or so - its good to be able to say couldn't have afforded that if Id still been gambling my money away.

Freda,

Don't feel guilty about spoiling yourself, you deserve it. No-one deserves the s**t we have all put ourselves through so it is great to come out the other end and realise you do deserve nice things.

Well done on your recovery, you are doing great.

DT

Thanks Dt,

Just had first online counselling session (as face-to-face counsellor has dissappeared into the mist of long term sick)

was upsetting rechurning the backstory as you have to in a first session, but cant be helped. Helps the counsellor get a better picture of where you are coming from. I hate talking about my childhood 🙁

Am doing great in general though. Am off for a hug off him indoors.

Thanks to all who have posted this week, really appreciate the supportive way people have embraced my decision to spend less time reading diaries. Is not because I dont care - is because sometimes i care too much! am a big softy and quite depressed, so need to get a wee bit stronger before i can read about all the rubbish things life is throwing at my gamcare brothers and sisters 🙂

Today i did not gamble - woo hoo!

Hey Freda (K)

Just wanted to say hi and thanks for supporting DT so much.

I've followed your diary with tears and laughter but haven't felt quite ready to join in myself yet - it's all a bit too emotional and raw for me at the moment.

I wish you lots of love, happiness and success and just wanted to let you know that you are an important part in lots of peoples recovery - you are a gem.

Love K

Freda,

Hope you are ok and looking after yourself, look forward to chatting soon.

DT

Went to seaside today after work. (keep feeling compelled to explain is voluntary job, paranoid will be thought of as benefit thief)

I LOVE the seaside. When I had my nervous breakdown, I didn't sleep longer than a nap for 6 weeks. Was a walking zombie, v. sleep deprived, started putting shoes on wrong feet. GP suggested a walk by the sea, minerals in air, open space, panic attack friendly, can keep distance from strangers.

R and I walked along the beach, me knackered and weeping, a bag of nerves. We sat on a bench for a while and stared out to sea. I managed the bus home for the first time in ages.

That night I slept for 8 hours straight.

I'd turned a corner. That day had been rock bottom. I keep a photo R took of us that day, its on our fridge. Everytime I look at it, I realise how far we have come together.

Had an ice cream today, and plodged in the waters edge. Looked wistfully at the arcade as I walked past - not today, I said to myself. Not today.

Hi Freda (K)

Hope you are ok, ahh that sea air, nice.......until a big seagull poos on your head (thats happened to me lol!). Your recovery is going so well and we both must be approaching the 7 weeks, so i send you a big (((((K))))). Your a specail lady!!!!!

Short as usual thats me lol! Take care Freda and thanks for posting on my diary, the battle continues.... ands xxx

Freda,

Keep going northern girl, you show great resilience and strength every day and one day I am sure you will get where you want to be.

Look after that bloke of yours, he sounds like a keeper.

DT

Gordon Bennett! am so manic tonight!

Feel really bad cos went into chat and babbled on loads, kind of monopolised conversation. Not v nice really. Just so excited - is uncomfortable.

Going on my stepper now. Boing! boing!

Freda,

Stop worrying about your behaviour. I used to wake up at about 5.00am and wake k up and was so excitable she used to desribe me as like an enthusiastic puppy. Just feels good not to feel depressed, nothing more, nothing less. Nothing to worry about.

TC

DT.

have enjoyed reading and posting this morning. Has renewed my enthusiasm for keeping this at bay. After 62 days, Ive started to feel that Ive got this thing licked! Im sure now, i couldnt be more wrong.

Have read people's posts who have had months if not years bet free, and still gone back.

I think I caught this addiction early, before it had a chance to cause massive destruction. Am realising that it doesnt make me any less vulnerable. I still have the potential for compulsive gambling to destroy my life.

Am realising that just because Im not dealing with a string of failed relationships, bankruptcy, homelessness and so on doesnt mean the potential for that to happen isnt there. The early warning signs were - the sleeplessness, withdrawal, lack of control, lying, spending money needed for bills.

I have spent hundreds of £s in one day in the past - if thats not compulsive behaviour I dont know what is!

Is just weird though, catching things early. Sometimes feels like Im making a mountain out of a molehill. Being a bit of a fraud. Sometimes ask myself things like "isn't it a bit melodramatic, calling myself a compulsive gambler?" "do I really need to go to GA?" "do i really have the same problem as everyone else here?"

Why not though? Today I will not gamble.

Hi Freda,

Well done on your gambling free time.. a good acheivment! 🙂

I take my hat of to you in many ways. I am one of those who destroyed themselves before starting to see the light. It takes a certain humbleness to trully acknowledge that one has got an addiction or whatever word one chooses to call it.

But as you say, you have caught it before it had the oppuntunity to destroy you. And your right, unless your a millionaire, spending hundreds of pounds gambling in one day does suggest compulsive, addictive behaviour.

For me admitting to an addition and doing something about it shows great courage and inner strength.

Ive enjoyed reading your posts. All the best in recovery.. S.A 🙂

hi freda u r doing so well and the way u descibe your feelings is the way i feel many thanks 4 sharing and helping others your new friend hotdog xxxxxxxx

Well if I make it through tomorrow gamble-free I will have done 8 weeks!

Feeling good about it. Still wish i could reincorporate the odd thing here and there, like a lotto ticket but staying clear of everything for now.

Frustrating this evening trawling the internet for jobs - theres nothing! Was encouraged by a conversation with the new tutor at my voluntary job though as he was saying he could really do with a full-time position (this one is only 20 hrs per week). This could turn out well for me, if he sticks around for a few months. Im starting a 10 week course at college next month for teaching - so may be in with a chance of the job if he leaves!

Would be perfect, 20 hours per week. Think I would struggle with full-time hours so would be ideal. Not far to travel, and really nice people to work with.

Fingers crossed he finds a better job in, ooo about 6 months 😉