Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda,

Thanks for the post, and support, Well done on the 60 days, i don't like to count either as long as i don't gamble I'm happy.

Sounds like you have had a good day and bagged a few bargains, i have just been for a walk into town too, drew £300 from the bank, was planning on getting some new gear, and cash for my night out, I'm home now without even one purchase and the £300 still in my pocket, I'm going to give the charity shops a bash next time, they sound fun, and to be honest i have never been in one.

Have a nice weekend and thanks again for the support x

green x

have been a bit anxious the last couple of days, but still managed to do stuff.

its a weird feeling - its in my stomach and just feels like emotional 'pain'. like when you have a falling out with someone, or feel guilty about something, its there constantly in your stomach. that uneasy feeling.

im hoping it will pass within a few days, as when im like this i keep getting the urge to scream out loud in distress. Ive never actually done it, but the urge is there. Its kind of like when you cant do something so its all you can think about.

nice afternoon in York yesterday with my gal pal, and off to the beach this morning with R.

For today i will not gamble.

I think its passed. Gone as inexplicably as it came...

Ive learned to just be patient when i get the blues. I used to panic and think 'o*g! Im getting depression again! everything is awful so im going to have to hide in my flat for the rest of my life!'

now i just wait. Simples.

Hi Freda,

your not kidding a grim bank holiday, suppose it's my fault i should have done somthing, rather than mope around all day, any how thanks for the post, going to give 'rosemary and tyme' a miss next time...:-)

Sorry to here your feeling a little anxious, i know the feeling well of late, think it's our body's way of saying things ain't 100%, Strange how the mind and body work together and send us signals, for me i usually know the reason i feel this way, and i also know the screaming feeling.

The thoughts always seem to pass in time, and i hope they pass for you soon, I'm sure they will.

Nice to see even though you have had a tough couple of days you have been out and about, and keeping busy.

stay strong Freda.

green x

Love to you kind girl...Jas xx

I feel much better now,

It was horrible getting into that distressed frame of mind just after i found out i had a job. I was thinking 'oh god, how am i going to cope with a job feeling like this?'

I think it was because i have got a job though. I started freaking out, thinking im not ready, i wont cope. I hate admitting that i cant cope. That feeling of shame and failure.

So this is a big risk for me emotionally, if i dont cope with this job it will give me very difficult emotions to deal with.

its a fear that paralyses me and makes me want to hide away and not risk it. Its weird that ive got into my head that im incompetent, when ive never been fired in my life.

Hi Freda,

Thanks for the posts they have helped me a great deal over these past couple of day's.....:-)

I can totally relate to the thoughts and feelings you have about the new job, for different reasons i once had all those feelings, truth is you sound like a great person someone who would be an asset to have in any job, we probably cope better than most people if the truth be known, look where we are, i honestly think we are born Fighters, most if not all of us here have been through a hell of alot in many ways, and were still here coping and fighting in our own unique yet similar ways.

You are stronger than you think freda and I'm sure things will be just fine, hold you head high, and remember how strong you really are, We need to use the past as our stength.

all the best,

green x

Hi Freda,

Thanks for your support as ever, you are kind, honest and empathetic.

Really hope this week goes as you want it to, I feel the pressure you are putting on yourself and it would be easy to say, "relax -whatever will be will be etc..", but I know its not that easy for many, many reasons.

You may not Know it yet, but you can do anything you want to do, you have the personality, intelligence and life skills to do it all you need is the belief. If they sold it in bottles, I would take a crate or two. Unfortunately they don't, so it's up to you.

Good Luck,

DT.

Aw thanks guys! Im feeling much more 'what will be will be' today. Its funny though isnt it, that if 100 people say you are great and 1 person says you are rubbish - who do you end up listening to? the 1 person in my case!

It feels funny talking to family members and not mentioning that ive got a job, but I like it best that way. Am actually dying to get the first couple of shifts under my belt, so I can lay some irrational fears to rest.

Induction tomorrow, table top sale Friday morning where im gonna try and sell some of my jewellery Ive made, then first day at work on Saturday.

I think Ive done over 10 weeks now. I keep adding it up wrong... last bet was 23/06/09 so i think it is 10.

Anyway, for today i will not gamble!

Am emotionally drained after first day at new job today.

I got through it, but it was hard. I felt really nervous and had the fluttery heart and shakiness. Went in for the first part without any chemical help, but had a valium after first couple of hours as i could feel the adrenaline starting to whoosh out of my stomach.

Its going to take a few days to see if these nerves subside. Im hopeful they will. Realistically I cant put myself through days like today twice a week, but Im hoping that I'll feel better about everything soon. Its almost got to the point where Ive convinced myself I wont be able to cope. Im ok on the surface, but I just think that if a customer has a go at me while im still this nervous i'll burst into tears, and run out!

The rational side of my brain is saying 'thats what the 12 week probationary period is for' as long as i can show them i can cope by the end of 12 weeks, I should be fine.

I can only do my best I guess. If I had it my way, i would have waited a couple more months til i tried a job - but the DWP dont care, they sling you off your benefit before you are ready.

The next few days will be really tough. Ive 2 more 6 hour days. If I can get through them, i then have 6 days off.

Hi Freda

Take it as it comes. Your post is all about what if... when... if... You know that you can only do what you can do. I'm sure they're not expecting miracles. Don't get caught up in speculation. Deal with what comes along when it comes along. Above all you neve gambled.

Take care

Steve E

Hi Freda,

You can and are getting through this, like i said we are all stronger than we think, in a couple of weeks i hope you can look back and feel settled I'm sure you will.

All the best Freda, be strong.

green x

Hi Freda,

Thanks for post on my diary again - great to see you still here, going strong and offering so much help and support to people as usual.

Fantastic news you getting back to work - the others are right - your employers are lucky to have you. If it takes a tablet or two to get through your first few weeks, so be it. I had a 2 hour flight back from holiday, was doped up to the eyeballs on temazepam to try to calm me down as petrified of flying and was still shaking and crying all the way back and felt like everyone was staring at this mad middle-aged bird making a total a** of herself.

Have posted on my diary tonight as slipped up on hols and decided to try real roulette table for the hell of it ( and after too many vodkas - unusual for me) Cost me 100 euros, left me feeling empty and very silly so. yes, you're doing much better than me - keep it up.

Was having a look through your diary and just reading your observations about queues and gormless kids serving you and having a chuckle as these are some of the things which get my goat too.Had experience of similar shop assistant with no gorm last week and it makes you wonder how some of these people even found their way there for the interview, let alone got offered the job!

Hope you have a great weekend fellow bargain hunter - I put in a silly bid for 99p for a dress on e-bay before I went on hols and won it and it is absolutely gorgeous and looks made to measure and I'm chuffed to bits with it - just wish I could be so sensible with money all the time.

All the best

Kay x

Did a relaxation exercise this afternoon and fell asleep! guess it worked then...

Am still nervous about tomorrow - just accepting that its the way I feel, and as long as I keep the nervousness in perspective its all good.

Have my trusty pills to help me through the first few days. I saw a really not-understanding doctor last year, who spoke to me like I was a big baby for not just facing my fears. I disagree. I am happy to face my fear of getting nervous and having a panic attack, but I live in the real world where people dont always understand when it happens at work. Sometimes they write you off as a nervous wreck, and decide you are no good.

Im not scared of having a panic attack, Im scared of it jeopardising my chances of keeping a job! very different. I think doctors have to be of quite a robust constitution to work those long hours while qualifying, so sometimes they are not able to relate to problematic nerves. His advice was 'dont be nervous' Genius. I hope he picked up more than that in 5 years of medical school, or his patients are DOOMED! doomed I tell you! 😉

You can always resit a medical exam, but harder to overcome being an arrogant P**ck...

Anyhoo, have been quite amused by what the universe has sent me today...

You know when you could do with some positive experiences, to help you feel better about yourself? self esteem boosters? well they've been thin on the ground.

Ah you've gotta laugh. Didn't enjoy chat this afternoon. The moderator didnt come across as very warm. Wanted to feel cheered up, but left feeling pee-ed off, and alienated.

On a good day, you laugh stuff off. On a wobbly day, you wish you'd stayed in bed! I hate how my nervousness and insecurity is making me react stronger to things at the minute. I'm very raw.

Happens to us all I guess 🙂

Hi Freda,

Apart from half hour of madness, the holiday was great thanks. it was one week Med cruise and I have to say I felt guilty the whole time for living in luxury when I'd blown so much money away over last couple of years - did have a couple of good laughs though- there weren't many Brits on board but they definitely have the best sense of humour in Europe - I won't risk alienating whole countries populations but there are some pompous t**t's around who take themselves far too seriously and love themselves much too much!I think our ability to laugh at ourselves and our shortcomings is great.

Sorry you're feeling 'raw' right now - take it easy over the weekend and look after yourself - you spend so much time supporting everyone else - I think you're amazing!

Kay x