Going to keep this thread now!

Well, 3 weeks in the bag!

I feel very low tonight. Partly hormonal. I'm all over the place in this respect. Did 50 mins of cardio in the gym today. Felt uncomfortable because of my swollen stomach but went anyway and worked hard. I did 2 x 1 hour cardio sessions last week as well. Really hoping to get some progress with weight-loss. Summer is coming and I'm still awful chubby!

Something good about knowing you've done your best, though.

Hi Freda,

Your post raised a smile...thank you so much! Well done on excercing...maybe it's me but I see that the nation got that bug this year! Its amazing and healthy! I went for a session today also..was a little angry shall I say with the way I feel so run my *ss off. Not long..only 5k but took me 22mins which is under 5min a k. ..I usually laugh when see a sweat on my face and basically chest line is just driping with sweat after 3rd k. ..not exactly s**y but shows that body takes the hit of hard work and burns the fat accordingly..not if I have much fat, to be honest not sure if I like my face. Cheekbones are properly showing now and I am not there to loose weight...I'm there to build muscle lol....

Any way, carried away here..I am glad you're looking after your wellbeing and even more happier to hear about recent changes 're toxic relationships. Go girl!!!I shall attach Dua Lipa - IDGAF below ??

Today has been challenging for me. I had to make a assesment over the phone in regards to my childhood sexual abuse. I think it was the most testing 40 mins in my adult life. I was asked how I feel after recalling the incidents. ..I felt ok at that time...but I think I held a brave face on really cause as soon as I disconnected - I slumped in a seat and let myself cry for good 10mins. ..I cried for my life being destroyed and me not helping myself by making so many wrong choices in my adulthood.

But...the change is coming. Not only I am going to my face to face assesment next week (either way counselling will not be available as they have waiting list of 13 months!!!) but i also will check out the support offered for my alcohol intake. Even if it's not as bad as it was few years back, i know where it can lead.

Presently I am a lady of very few words...maybe still feel ripples since that phone conversation and all I truly want ....is a hug..simple huh...simple things can make massive difference. 

Anyhoo..I guess thus should of gone on my diary but it is what it is.

Thank you for your post...if I may....((((((((Freda))))))))

Keep up good work, you're WORTH IT!

https://youtu.be/rLRg4ltgK2o

S&B xx

Thanks, Sandra. Dua Lipa has a lot of "bad men" type of songs! She must have experienced some terrible fools.

I made myself laugh last night by how I got motivated to go to the gym. I had already had some exercise, going on a walk with my friend and two of her dogs. We had a long bank to climb! I fell asleep for a nap when I got home. So, I'm kind of arguing with myself, saying I'm really tired and hormonal still - peri-menopause has been brutal so far - and I can take a night off, it's fine. Then the opposite point of view kicked in and said you will feel so good afterwards and you can laze about for a while when you get home. I recently watched a Beyoncé documentary on Netflix about how she trained and prepared for her Coachella performances after having her twin babies. In a flash of inspiration I said to myself "I need to ask 'what would Beyoncé do?' in these situations where I'm thinking of taking the easy option!" haha! It worked and got me to the gym.

I started from a place of not being very fit at all. I get panicky if I push my body too hard. I'm slowly starting to improve my fitness and stamina. It takes me 9 mins to do a kilometre because I do intervals of running and walking. I've done 3 x 1 hour cardio sessions in the past week, so hoping that kicks my body into finally losing some weight and inches.

I'm still feeling a bit low and disconnected. Back to work today, after 10 days off. I'm very invisible at work. No-one really knows anything much about me.

I was very very brave tonight and did a sliproad in my own car, with my friend.

I didn't like how close I came to the other car and the end of the sliproad but for me, just doing it is a huge achievement. My driving test had to be put back by a couple of weeks but my lesson also got cancelled today, so I was feeling upset and frustrated. My instructor was on holiday before this, so it's been 3 weeks already without a lesson.

Well done Freda!

I had to do a sliproad too the other day. I actually thought of you and thought what if no one will let me in? Do I just stop at the end of it ?..I guess yes that's what we do in the worst case scenario as wouldn't plunge into someone only cause your own "lane" came to the end. 

I think you're doing pretty well and will pass ypur test when it comes round. Being nervous is natural so try and not panic about it. It's also good you drive with a friend in your own vehicle, the more practice the better... (hope you have L plates on and the passenger is over 21 with full driving licence for at least 3 years ?).

Stay safe girl, keep marching on!

Xx

Thanks, Sandra. Yeah, I know to stop is always an option. While I am learning, I feel vulnerable not knowing how far I need to take to stop at a high speed. When/where is the point where if I do not brake, I run out of road? This is what makes me fearful. Pretty logical, I suppose. You memorise the figures for the theory test, that the faster the speed, the more metres it takes to stop - but personally, I don't know what 200 metres actually looks like, if you see what I mean. I will talk to the instructor about all of this.

Well, I'm at 30 days gambling free, now. What a difference it has made to my finances! More overpayment made on the mortgage and payday tomorrow. Life is much easier when you don't gamble.

Hi f,

I'm sure you will figure it out. Practice will make it all better, try not to panic...I know it's easy to say and I guess many of us still finds it quite challenging but believe me it will get easier with time.

Thanks for the post. Yes, rang some bells loud and clear. I just currently haven't got many options.

My assessor asked me today if I "juggle everything". ..which I do. Truly not easy but as I see myself - doable. I don't think I can create much more damage to myself in regards to trauma so in all honesty, the only way is up.

It is true that I need to be stable and strong myself before helping others. I believe I am on the road now where hopefully many things will start making sense. I am very aware of everything in life (not kidding), its just separating stuff and allocating them to required boxes may take some time.

Feeling rubbish today. (Why month passes so quick ?) ..but am also aware I haven't been in the gym for 3 days so...last energy goes on there lol..silly, i know...I should stay in bed, hot water bottle on achy belly but hay ho, excersice is also good for the mind...and body. 

Hope you're having a lovely day! Make the most out of it, it forecasts rain over the weekend ?.

Keep smiling &looking after you. Thank you for your kind and inspiring post. It hasn't gone unnoticed ?

S&B xx

I always have a few days off the gym at that time, I believe it's the body's time to rest. My energy levels plummet anyway.

I went to the gym yesterday before work. Felt good for it and managed to fast for 16 1/2 hours last night. It's supposed to be good for your immune system and overall health. I often don't manage it, wanting a biscuit or something after work. I definitely eat when I'm fed up, sometimes. Funny how they call it that, then you eat, haha!

Day off work today. Lazy morning with the cat on my lap. Might go to the gym again later.

Hi f,

Hope yesterday went well and today you're back eating? ...I struggled with food today (consequences of last night booze session) and was like a kid pushing food in my plate for an hour today. Appetite slowly coming back so maybe something will come together..at least a toast!

Good to hear about gym! I didn't go today due to the above. ..but it's planned for tomorrow and thinking of 10miler as it's been a while.

Hope little kitten is giving you the comfort and love you so deserve...Bella has been my little bear all day...by my side...helping me to guide my broken body & mind to the right direction.

Much love & blessings ❤?

awww, animals are just the best!

yeah, I don't manage to fast all that often. I love eating too much! it's a healthy kind of fasting, not any kind of eating disorder. a scientist just won the nobel prize for his research about it.

I've got a date tomorrow. First date! I feel self conscious. Normal, I suppose.

I've got the itch today. Funny enough, I haven't been tempted to gamble. Today, I'm using food. I'm eating food I don't need, to distract me from that restless feeling I get from time to time, that there has to be more to life than this.

I've been at my boring job today. I really struggled to motivate myself to do any work. I hid behind a stack of books and did a sudoku, at one point. It's only one day a week, this one. Just as well. I'd go mad if I had to do it any more than that.

There is always more to life if we choose to open our eyes and look around! ? (I am still blind walking so not gonna lead you but whatever youre on about is out there. ...I know that! ?)

Boring job is better than no job isn't it? & good skills on hiding away so you can have some peace and calm to yourself. I do try that sometimes too ?

Keep being kind to yourself, ..keep winning in life for real.

S&B xx

Thanks, S x x

I have made over £500 on selling a website domain I bought 18 months ago. What amazing luck! Money for no work - it's the dream!

Hi f,

Thanks for your recent posts and positive suggestions 're my lil one.

Hope you're keeping well and enjoying the weekend! Sun is almost showing the face and that can only be a good thing ?

Love,

S&B xx

Thanks, S x

I gambled on Friday. I just felt depressed and craving dopamine. Not much financial damage done. Just a silly episode of trying to feel some pleasure. I was also eating loads of rubbish, just searching for comfort. I didn't even enjoy it that much.

Back to sanity now.