Going to keep this thread now!

I messed up and gambled.

Im really struggling to get back into recovery properly. I started so well, with 4 or 5 months of just saying 'no', but Im regularly giving in to the urges now.

I don't know how to move forward. Today was not much to do with how I am feeling, or a reaction to anything, it was just about compulsive gambling for the sake of it.

Im giving my debit card to my husband tomorrow, and going back to carrying a limited amount of cash. Im blocked from betting online, so Im just going to visit my sister in law as planned, then back home.

Something that used to help me was to think about how much my last binge was, say £50, and then when a week had passed say to myself 'see thats already dropped to £25 a week', then after another week I would say 'thats the equivalent of £15 a week which isnt so bad!' and so on...I would get a real kick after 10 weeks that I had reduced a big binge to the equivalent of a fiver a week.

However I would be interested in what others think of this tactic? Because perhaps this is still thinking as a gambler would.

I feel really lost.

Thanks for your support freda....sorry to hear of your lapse today..give your husband your cards asap lassie...as for reducing your gambling,sounds good on paper but could you stick to it ??? After all gamcare is about responsible gambling and that to me is being in control ..personally i wouldnt/couldnt do it but everybody s different...best wishes in whatever you choose...

Hi Freda,

I used to be very "creative" with my calculations when i was gambling......,after a week of big losse's i would busy myself calculating a recovery plan to get it back and more over the following 3 or 4 weeks....,rarely did mind!!!....,so then it would be another set of calculations and my new plan!!!!,.....,it is definately a gamblers way of thinking :),we will always try to kid ourselves that over time what we have gambled away isn't so bad after all.

Just like to add my belated best wishe's on your recent marriage.

Seano.

So, Day 2 again...

Thanks for your input guys.

It is gamblers logic isn't it? I hope I can do this.

Day 3 - today i wil not gamble.

Went to see s*x and the City last night. I was really nervous, because I have pretty bad social anxiety and get paranoid that I wont get on with people, they wont like me and I will upset them. I was going with my friend and a friend of hers whom I know, but not extremely well - hence the social anxiety. It was fine though, I think it went ok. Don't think I messed up too bad! It felt good to face a fear.

Day 4. Today I will not gamble.

Have an exam this afternoon, and my online counselling. Then meeting my father-in-law and husband for dinner.

Cant believe my week off is nearly over!

Good luck with your exam Freda.

Seano.

Freda--you have such a busy life. If I were you I would try to cut out gambling completely as you really do not have time for it with everything else going on--new marriage, going out, exams, conselling etc etc---best cut out the gambling.

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

All the best

Stumper

Thanks guys,

Day one again tomorrow. FFS!

I WILL DO THIS!

Day 1 - I did not gamble today.

I am supposed to go to a family party tomorrow and Im just not sure I can cope with it. Something that is really encouraging however, is that I have immediately put aside all the bull about 'what will they think' and I am just going to see how I am doing on the day. If my family have such a low opinion of me that they dont think I would do my best to be there, then f**k em. If I cant go, I cant go. It is very freeing to feel this way. I dont know what has happened, but I have just let a lot of stuff go, and I dont actually need to please them anymore.

I still find it very hard to be in the same room as some of them, but I am doing my best. Im so proud of how far I have come in my recovery from anxiety and depression. I am doing rubbish at recovery from compulsive gambling, but I have a feeling I will get there. My faith in myself is returning all the time. I think there is just a lack of self belief there, but it will return.

Some more ramblings that need to come out.

I have been hiding from a lot of truths for a long time. I think this is typical of a gamblers emotional immaturity and inability sometimes to live in reality and face reality however painful.

The reason I cannot be around my family is because my weaknesses and flaws come out when I am around them. I need to be honest with myself about that. They do not make me angry and anxious - it is my anger and anxiety, and my responsibility. I cannot act like an adult around some of them. Its because they have hurt me deeply and do not seem to have very compassionate attitudes toward me. However, its my responsibility to behave like an adult around everyone no matter the history. Im going to work on this.

I have to be away from them for a while because of my weak mind. Its not because of them, its because I can not handle the way I feel when Im around them.

Its just a shift in thinking. They are difficult to get along with, and negative, judgemental etc. but I AM ADDING TO THE PROBLEM. My pride has prevented me from admitting to this.

I also have not told my husband yet, that because of my mistakes and irresponsible behaviour lately with my gambling, I cant afford to pay all the bills this month, even though he has already given me the money for them.

Im going to talk to him about it now.

Gosh I am rambling tonight. Some days it all comes tumbling out, and realisations come thick and fast. It feels pretty intense!

Thanks for the message on my diary Freda,....,things are tough for me at present,they will get better though :).I understand how you feel around some family members,only you can change that though!!!....like you i suffer very badly with anxiety and depression (some days i just can't go out) so i fully understand the overall effect it has on a person.Just a thought Freda,you have to "spill the beans" to your husband about gambling the bill money.....,when you do so it's important that together you discuss a strategy that ensures you can't be put in a position to be able to do so in future :).Have a good weekend.

Seano.

Hi Freda ((((K)))))

Thanks for your post on my diary and i am so sorry to read your last few posts, families ay?? some suck! Have you told your hubbie about your gambling??? hope you have, he obviously loves you and i hope very much he will support you.

Your a sweety Freda and my thoughts are with you! ands xx

(((((Freda)))))

Sorry you have been having a stuggle lately, life's always up and down, as gamblers we tend to blame everything on the gambling when it's not always the problem. Other struggle too who may never have had a bet.

Yep sometimes life sucks and we have to suck it up and move on girl.

I hope you managed to discuss your issues with R and you gat the suppoert you need.

Wishing you a peaceful patch as soon as u like lol.

Take care

W xxxx

thanks seano, W, ands 🙂

Im not going to the family party. I cant cope with it.

Today I could really gamble - oh yes! but I wont, because it would just make me feel worse.

Ive been for reiki and it was very beneficial, I feel much more relaxed now.

I have just eaten 3 jam doughnuts though! Wish I could just accept myself and be peaceful without needing comfort all the time. Truth is, Im embarrassed that I cant just suck it up and get on with it.