Going to keep this thread now!

Hi Freda,

Sorry to hear you have had a tough week, but pleased to hear you treated yourself and had a good night last night.

Counsellors I suppose are like all things in life, some good - some bad. I remember having counselling 12 years ago, being in a right state, crying and pouring out my innermost demons, while the bloke I was talking to was continually looking at his watch, staring out the window and only kept saying "and how did that make you feel?"- Needless to say I wanted to smack him in the face with a frying pan. So frustrating when you are genuinely trying to get help and the direction in which you are pointed is pointless.

Anywho, I was also angry about thursday's chat, it has happenned twice in this week, sometimes I feel those sessions are crucial to continued recovery and don't like it at all when they are not there.

Have a good day.

DT

Freda (K)

Thanks for your kind post on my my diary, it's appreciated.

You mention in your last post about buying a new outfit and how good that felt - these things can be done a lot more fequently when we don't gamble.

Over the last year I have been totally on the edge of keeping financially afloat to the point I have bought no new clothes or other items however necessary for normal existance. This weekend after sorting the finances out I treated myself to a new razor!

My old one had the same blade in it since last Christmas because I would always carry on betting till the vapours of the credit cards was gone and therefore could ot afford to replace it or buy some blades.

BUT, yet I could still gamble £000's on a horse but found it impossible to keep a tenner back to buy that simple item.

No more of that for me.

The new razor is great and the first of many new purchases that I will make in my new non gambling life.

Sounds crazy but true.

Enjoy the outfit and let it give you encouragement to go on to better things.

You can do it.

David

Hi Freda,

Well you're braver than me owning up to your real name. I just feel too vulnerable to do that as I'm still ashamed of myself for all the money I've wasted and have this (probably irrational) thought that someone from work would read it and put 2 & 2 together and have a good old b**** behind my back.

Sorry to hear you've been having a hard time and family troubles - you can't choose them unfortunately or I wouldn't have chosen the one full of drink problems and would have gone for a wealthy one living in a mansion in Gloucestershire!!!

The main thing is that you're still sticking in there without all your usual support systems.Your partner and his family sound like smashing people though and not judgemental which is what you need.

I'm nursing toothache right now and keep thinking if I hadn't been so foolish my teeth wouldn't be falling to pieces and I could probably have a full set of dazzlers like the Bee-gees but I made that decision to give my money away instead of going to the dentist and no point looking back and regretting cause it eats you up.

I've been having that kind of 'flat' feeling too of 'well I've given up the roulette for 6 weeks now - what now???' I never did go and buy that paint 'cause I've just not been in the mood and can't do the garden cause it's peeing down outside - again.

Try to keep strong through these low points though cause it would be a shame, now you've come this far, to go back to that ' I've done a naughty' place again.

Hope this week's a much better one

Kay x

That was spooky - we wrote on each other's diaries at about the same time.

I did look in Debenham's yesterday but no joy and I haven't got Fern Britton's dosh for surgery!

Salads and crispbreads beckon

Kay x

Freda,

I am 40 by the way and I can't believe you talked about your dream either, it all went a bit quiet and nobody seemed to know what you meant. Bit of a shooting stars tumbleweed moment.

Never mind, its good to get things off your chest, even if they are cringingly inappropriate.

DT

Had a day shut away in my flat today. Still got constructive things done, but aware that I cant be bothered with the larger world today.

Have been looking for jobs, with limited success as I suppose is to be expected in a recession, in a city with high unemployment.

Was quite excited about one because its only 8 hours a week, so I could stay on my benefit while I see how I cope with a job.

Going to the Shaw Trust tomorrow. Im looking forward to it because they have ways of supporting you that Im eager to find out about. On the other hand, I hate talking about my situation as I find the whole 'getting back into work, and coping with a job without having a nervous breakdown again' subject scary. Ive tried to go back to work several times over the years, but have found it impossible to cope due to all the barriers Ive faced. I find it easy to get a job. Its coping with it, and holding it down that is so hard for me.

I find it really hard to cope with the pressure that seems to come with most jobs these days. They want you to be able to cope with at least 1.5 times as much workload as one person can reasonably do. Ive never been afraid of hard work, but targets and deadlines always seem impossible to keep up with. Greedy companies wanting to cut their wage bill without thinking about how frazzled their staff will be.

Ive seen people just 'play the game' and make concerned noises when told they will have to improve their performance. They know they cant work any faster, but their boss doesnt want to hear that, so they say how sorry they are and promise to do better - even though they know they cant. Then they keep their head down and feel safe in the knowledge that they probably wont be sacked as long as they dont get any worse. They take their targets with a pinch of salt and dont worry when they dont meet them.

I have never been able to do that. Dont know if its depression, but I worry if Im told Im not doing well enough. I put pressure on myself to do better, and keep my job safe - then end up stressed to bits. Im so over-sensitive that I feel useless if Im told Im not good enough. I always feel I have to be good at whatever I do as I cant cope with the criticism otherwise.

Does anyone else feel like this? Sometimes feel I'm the only one!

Freda,

I was joking about the cripplingly anappropriate, I hope you knew. I 100% sympathize with your work situation. About 11 years ago I had a "breakdown", which resulted in me back at home with my parents and being off work for 6 months or so. It was cause by gambling/alcohol abuse and me not having the self-confidence to deal with a difficult work situation.

I never dealt properly with the causes of my breakdown and I just wanted to get back to work because my parents were telling me too and I hated it there so much. I lasted only a few weeks, then had about 8 jobs in a 6 month period, 2 of which did not last longer than 1 day. It wasnt until I had another 6 months off that I managed to restore some self-esteem that I held down a job for 12 months(as a postman!) Than another 5 years in print(I have worked on and off in printing all my working life and can earn more there)until another stressful situation occurred that I could not cope with and hey presto, here I am now without the proverbial pot to P**s in and large debts.

I am for the first time beginning to understand that my father's attitude towards me - putting me down, criticising for no reason, ignoring what I say or scoffing when I do say something, made me feel that it was always me in the wrong, whatever situation I was in. I now know that is not true and I am going to get counselling to make sure that I don't go through this hell again.

Today I honestly do not feel there is ajob in the country that I am capable of doing, but I know that is not real, it is the lack of self-esteem I have created due to my latest "episode".

Have you been criticised unduly by someone close to you? Has this affected your self-esteem to an extent that you don't feel good enough in the workplace? I know you are getting counselling, but you have missed a couple of sessions with someone you trust already. Please stick at it, you are a good, honest, caring not to mention very funny person. You deserve a better future and I hope you can find the strength to get out there and grab it.

I wish you and R every successs and happiness together.

DT

Had to leave chat early because my eldest brother phoned. The one that is a compulsive liar. Tonight, he flatly denied pretending I was arguing with him on the phone, when I tried to apologise to him a while back. How can you have a relationship with someone who wont admit what theyve done to you, even when theres no one else listening?!!!

He is seriously disturbed.

Anyway. I got all anxious because of this bizarre behaviour, and couldn't continue the conversation with him. I had to say 'sorry i have to hang up now im not very well' and go on my exercise bike for half an hour to get rid of the adrenaline caused by his bare-faced lying.

I just feel sorry for him to be honest, Im not surprised he has no friends.

Anyway, I may have to cut contact with him because his behaviour freaks me out so much. He's always denied things, his usual trick is to suggest that you imagined things, and that you are mad. I cant have a relationship with someone who is not in touch with reality. Perhaps he has schizophrenia. Who knows.

All I know is, Ive never been mad. There are only 2 people who have ever flatly denied that something happened. I know one of those people was either deluded or lying because someone else witnessed their behaviour and confirmed it for me. The other is my brother the compulsive liar. Ive seen psychiatrists who have only ever identified anxiety in me, never psychosis. So I know I'm sane lol.

I genuinely wish him luck, but cant be bothered anymore.

How ridiculous that the biggest cause of my anxiety can still cause me to become anxious after 30 years on this planet, and 3 and a half years of professional psychotherapy!

They dont make many like him, for that Im grateful!

Feel really good about myself, that I didn't allow him to wind me up to the point where I 'took the bait' and got angry with him. I wont let anyone make me behave in a nasty vengeful way ever again. I have far too much self-respect for that. Just need to locate my confidence and I'll be sorted!

Freda,

Just wanted to say thank you for your kind words on my post, and now having read your thread even more so.

There is no doubt, we are all on the same journey, but how we get there may be entirely different routes.

I believe if we keep doing anything and everything that feels right to help us get there, whether that is counselling, staying away from negative energy, or reconnecting with old friends, each step forward lessens the number of diversions and dead ends we have to deal with.

Stay strong.

Cheers

L.

Freda,

Sorry to hear you had contact with your brother again and well done for staying relatively calm and focussed in your reaction. Any contact at all with my father makes me spiral downward very quickly, even if he has not been nasty in any way, I don't know why, it just does.

In answer to your flirty question, the answer is no, but you do come accross as funny and supportive. I have been 'told off' a couple of times by the gamcare person in charge of chat for being rude or distasteful and it made me very angry and also paranoid.

I like the chat to be light hearted, but if someone is having a particular problem that day, I would like to think I can support them genuinely too. We all have enough misery / despair in our lives at the moment without going on to chat and telling everyone how s*it our lives are.

If anyone perceives your chat as flirtatious, that is up to them, but at this vulnerable time for you, you will think it is your fault and you are the one who is out of order.

Not true, just be yourself and if that means being good-humoured and ruffling a few sensitive feathers so be it. It is your recovery, your future and you decide what course that takes, nobody else.

I look forward to the chats as part of my recovery and like it when you, ands, jasmine, graham etc are there, there is a genuine affinity and non-judgmental support that can only come from people who have had their darkest moments and do not want any more.

Have a good day freda.

Dt

Thanks Elbigg and DT,

DT you are a star - I agree you gotta be yourself. Just checking I wasn't being really inappropriate. I use humour a lot in all my interactions to lighten things up, including flirtyness but would hate to think i was making anyone really uncomfortable. Thanks for your feedback anyways, I was fairly sure it was all fine!

Im really happy today. The shaw trust gave me some good advice - but couldn't offer any protection from the DWP calling me for a medical. Apparently they can do it whenever they like, even if you tell them it is making your condition worse - even if your doctor tells them that.

I have the feeling the government is trying to get everyone off incapacity benefit regardless of whether they are genuinely ill or not. So its best to be prepared for the worst. Id rather people like the shaw trust did exactly what they did today - just give me honest advice about what may happen good or bad. Being put on a lower benefit will just generally increase my stress levels for a while if it happens, as its hard enough to make ends meet as it is. Not conducive to recovery back to a state where I can cope with a job, but the government have never been worried about doing whats best for people! lol.

I want to work, just dont want to be put under so much pressure that I have another breakdown. Not much to ask i dont think 😉

Ho hum!

Just posted on someone's diary, and wanted to copy it onto mine. I feel Ive managed to put something into words that is relevant to my story:

I hope you are proud to have been a part of that for me.

Nice to see as well freda.

I know how you feel re the last post. Well let them, how sad they must be. You are as good as anyone.

E-cigs, day 9, I only want a ciggie if I let the batteries run down, buying a further charger tomorrow so that won`t happen.

Are you going to Safe Harbor much? Have you met my mate there, Ken_L.

I am pleased that Gamcare supports that site.

Hi Freda (K)

Just wanted to say thank you for that post on my diary. you always seem to give me something to think about.

Your certainly alot stronger than you probably think, my day has been kinda good soley on the fact that my boys and me are together and that is my inspiration not to gamble. As for family and friends mine just do not want to forgive me, everyones different and i guess i am now going to have to except that fact and move on, how ever painful that is. As i said in my last post i have had some serious lessons since stopping gambling and i will learn from this and hopefully be stronger and a better person all round.

You are doing so well in your recovery freda, take care, you still make me laugh and so does DT.

Stay strong and i will be thinking of you. ands x

Oh and your a sweety!!

Feeling really good today! Sad to hear my recovery buddies are going through the mill a bit, but finding it easier to hear others' bad news without getting too upset. Im very excited about this, as my counsellor said that people usually find that when they are feeling less 'raw' emotionally, they are able to be around sadness and pain much easier.

Up until very recently, I sometimes literally started to panic when anything bad happened to someone. It was like I just couldn't cope with any more. I would find other people's problems overwhelmed me - but this is becoming less so. Which means my resilience is returning. Hooray!

Anyway, was very touched to have been asked to organise an event at my voluntary job today! It feels really good to be trusted with responsibility, and is very thoughtful of them to realise that I might enjoy being a proper 'equal' and part of the team. So my self-esteem has had a nice boost with that 🙂

I also have an interview for a job! How popular am i today? lol. I'm not sure if it will be right for me, as I'm still very fragile. It doesn't hurt to go along to the interview and see what happens. Even if I got offered the job but decided not to take it, it would boost my confidence no end.

Im only volunteering 4 hours a week, and this is for 13 hours in a busy shop. They will undoubtedly ask me if Im sure I'm ready to cope with a job. Im just going to be honest, and say that Im feeling well again now, and that the only work environment that I wouldn't be able to cope with is one where Im constantly shouted at and have my head bitten off every five minutes! I plan to explain that of course I can cope with criticism, and understand that everyone has their moments where they are a bit stressed and shouty - but as long as most of the time I'm treated fairly I'll be fine.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Good idea/bad idea? I just figure that when people hear you've had 'bad nerves' they think you will burst into tears at the least little thing. If I explain that this is not the case, but I'm probably not cut out for working for a really agressive, volatile person - they will understand where Im coming from, and respect my honesty. (and if they know my supervisor will be a real ball-buster, they wont take me on! which id rather they did becuase it just wouldn't be healthy for me).