Got to be strong

Well, I thought I had this but no. It is much harder to beat than I imagined. I closed all accounts but 1, thought I was in control with just 1 opened. Got up to £9k in my account, felt on top of the world, thought everything was sorted. It was the site that only allows limited withdrawals and I couldn't take it out. I told myself that if I just left it I would take 3k a mth for 3 mths. Of course I couldn't leave it and gambled it back down to £0. Hit me like a ton of bricks, the realisation that I am actually a compulsive gambler. I'm trying to stop but it is so d**n hard. I know I should have shut all my accounts. I just pray for the day i can say this is behind me.

I know all these feelings too well. The up and down. The small opening that gets exploited and causes the cycle to continue. It's tough but get back on the road recovery.

Thanks Change. I will do just because more than anything I want my inner peace back. Good luck mate.

God, I just can't do this. It is so hard. I gambled again today, the last of my money. I now have nothing for 3 weeks except a bit of cash in my purse. No idea how I am going to get on. There must be something seriously wired wrong in my brain to do this. So gutted with myself.

Put gambling block on again with K9 and changed the administrator password so it's not easy for me to access. LOL, completely a case of ...after the horse has bolted but at least it's something.

Well woke up with knots in my tummy today at how stupid I've been. Came downstairs and my emails revealed I have £36 in unauthorised overdraft fees as well as the £25 that I was expecting. Needs to be paid on 19th and I don't have any money to 23rd. I feel such a fool. Just over 1 month ago I had £9k sitting in a gambling account and now I have absolutely nothing.

Onwards and upwards I suppose. This month will be the hardest,

The realisation that in past 3 years I've gambled around £50k. Wow, nothing to show for it except debt. No more. I really want the next 3 years to be different. I've posted this in my diary so when I come on I read it and remember, I want to think about the different life I could have had and what things I could have achieved with that.

I went to put the cash from my purse in the bank, I thought it would be safer in my purse but I want it in there to know I have a little cash and I will not gamble it online.

Of course there is a little red devil saying gamble it and increase it but no I won't, it's a short term fix if it even works at all and I have told myself time and time again to do it and guess what....I'm sitting here with nothing so it doesn't work.

Here's to a new life but I know it is going to be so difficult. It's helped to read many other diaries and see people struggle through the years, it's a realisation of how hard it can be to beat.

Hi first step,

Thank you for your message. I really appreciate it. This battle will be a tough one but you can and will beat this addiction.

Take care my friend.

Dave

Thanks for the kind words Dave. Not feeling good about yesterday as I gambled again. Adjusted my counter, day one and here I go again.

Hi firststep,

The first go around with strong urges can be very challenging. The guilt or shame that ascends on us after a slip only feeds the dark side and gives rise to more urges. Yeah, I suppose it's important to mark the moment. But, don't drop anchor in a bad place my friend. Dust yourself down and start over again. Folks on here often say don't ever give up on giving it up. That sounds wise to me. Your diary is your safe place. Write on it whatever and whenever. Read other diaries. Take what helps and leave what doesn't. Take it one day at a time or one hour at a time. Just take your time. Oh, and there's a chat session on here that folks talk about. Not my thing but, a way to make connections with other folks. You might find that helpful too. Hugs and xx have become unpopular these days but, I'm somewhat left of center so, hugs to firststep for being brave enough to take those first steps!! joanxxx

Thank you Joan, that post brought a smile to my face. Wise words surrounded by kindness. I shall take what you say on board, I have been reading lots of diaries and been like a nodding donkey as there is so much in common. I might not be winning this battle yet but I'm on the right path.

Going away for a few days so won't be posting but won't be gambling. xx

So I just sneak on, change my counter to FAIL and sneak off, feeling too broken to say anything. Too many emotions to really put it down and make sense. In all honesty I'm not helping myself, because it was only in June that I got up to £9k gambling I have something withing me telling me to keep trying as this would be so useful but when I think of how much gambling has drained me, physically, emotionaly and financialy I know it's not the way. Just feel broken.

So I just sneak on, change my counter to FAIL and sneak off, feeling too broken to say anything. Too many emotions to really put it down and make sense. In all honesty I'm not helping myself, because it was only in June that I got up to £9k gambling I have something withing me telling me to keep trying as this would be so useful but when I think of how much gambling has drained me, physically, emotionaly and financialy I know it's not the way. Just feel broken.

Right, last 2 emails just sent for closing accounts. Must have closed close to 30 but that's it done, no P***y footing about now so to speak. I hope I can manage this.

Feel much more comfortable now, accounts all closed. I feel like it really is a new beginning, in fact if it wasn't for all the money that I owe I would feel on top of the world. Terrible guilt and shame kicking in. I hope I get a chance to fix all this mess. One step at a time. I actually have so much to look forward to, replacing the money will be my focus, the overdraft, the repayment account, the savings....

I actually used to be really good at saving, I have to put the last few years down to experience, it's so horrible to think what I had become.

I know this isn't going to be easy.