HARMONY !

i'm not good today hun..sorry .xx

Yo,

Up at 5:30 Donned the magic gardening gloves at 6 ,

Went out there , now just start women , just start.

And the magic gloves worked , 2 hrs later and 7 bags of rubbish. Broken the back of it. Off down tescos, hope no one I know sees me, cause I look like a tramp , to buy more heavy duty bin bags and come back and *** on.. Sense of achievement enormous

Sort of makes you think, doesn't it. Bit like giving up gambling , it looks insurmountable , to sort out the deverstation it causes looks impossible

But all you have to do is find that point ,to start.

Will keep you posted, all ready planning my application to the next Chelsea Flower Garden Show lol

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Shiny,

o*g.........You go girlie............This little womble is VERY impressed.......might have to nominate for the "Womble litter picker of the year"

You gave me laughs galore from your post last night.........................thankyou!

Hugs Sue xxxxx

shiny.

I now know why the south coast is bathed in Sun!!

You are in the garden and by the sounds of it hard at it!! Competition I feel lol, carrots are all we have left after the rain and not many of those as Hovis seems to feel the need to dig them out daily lol.

I hope so much shiny that Rach finds the calm again, I felt the guilt of compulsive gambler late last night, I would gladly give a portion of my own recovery to see her in a shiny place, I guess i can like you just be there.

Duncs soilderng forward never back.

Hi shiny

Please tell me why I mentioned the dating site ? Why did I not think it would come back and bite me in the a** and I see u had ur little bit of fun on wombles diary ! Very naughty but hey it's all in good fun and it's good to see happy posts full of laughter

So now I need the fairy to make a special return to wave her magic wand and sprinkle some fairy dust over those ruthless females who just won't even give me a chance lol , well it's opened my eyes up to a whole new world u av to laugh though can't do nothin but

Back to shiny though now and still goin as strong as ever , I still get over awe with u and can't praise u enough for what u do on here , I know I av told u umpteen times but will keep tellin u anyway

Take care and give that wand a good shake for me

Castle2

Hey shiny,

Hows the garden looking ? more importantly are the gloves still in tact 🙂

Hope yesterday ended as productivly as it started.

Im up or down your neck of the woods this weekend will wave on my way past with my over the top nails, pink and yellow.... hmm not quite me but a change is as good as a rest.. lol.

Enjoy your weekend shiny.

Blondie xxxxxx

Good Morning,

Hope all is well in your world. Any deviation from the middle wouldn't be great but I guess in life we cannot always be in the middle. When gambling I know I avoided things so I could stay in the 'middle'. What I find now is the 'middle' is much nicer and gambling was not a middle at all just purely me hiding from life.

Had to scroll to page 2 for your diary which isn't really a problem but I do like seeing you towards the top of page 1 it's almost comforting and I think you belong high up any list for what you give to yourself and others on this site.

Hope the weekend treats you kindly, I sit here waiting for a garden update 🙂

Flagg

Yo,

Met the weekly challenge, garden well yard really . As I had it all concreted over a few years ago . With a few enclosed beds . Is now swept and sorted . All the rubbish stacked and phone call made to a guy to remove it all. So that good .

Feeling strong in my recovery today , even though I do not feel like posting .

Bit confused as to how I feel about recent things on this site at the present . It does not threaten my recovery , but feeling the most reflective I have been in a while .

Still middling , still on tract to learn how to live a life , along side a gambling addiction.

My thoughts today , centre around yes I am an addict , yes I have done some things I am not proud of, but I am not and never was a bad person.

Shiny xxxxxxx

Hi Shiny

There is nothing anyone can do and I don't expect it although I appreciate peoples desire to want to help.

My diary is something I have always used as an internal monologue with myself and was my lifeline to discharge and express myself.

Along the way people like yourself have added your support but my diary still remains a conversation with myself and method of discharge.

I have always supported everyone elses recovery making very sure to never judge or criticise even when I also read things on here that make me uncomfortable. ..

If you felt upset then it is not personal to you.

I used to take peoples slips and amounts lost written in detail very much to heart as I thought about the people that shared those lives....very quickly I learned not to take it personally.

The only time I get angry on this forum is when I feel that someone is being silenced.

Mikes post generated a lot of feeling at being attacked but I also read the responses as an attack on someone new who was at least trying to understand.

In the early days I made a lot of generalisations but fortunately the majority of people who came to my post were older wiser recoverees who could see my lack of knowledge and confusion.

For a long time I did not believe gambling was a disease and thought it was an act of deliberation...but over time I have come to accept that.,,99.99%...Im proud I did the work but somedays the 1% kicks in.

I also had a lot of people having a go at me too in the early days but I remained on the forum and took the flack with support from others..

I never say that I support what people write...all I say is that they should have a right to express their feelings.

Gamcare are always there to step in and moderate to all of us if we go over the line.If i'm reprimanded then so be it...im not perfect and never professed to be...all my character defects are out there for all to see.

I check with GC if my diary is still ok to be kept and if they say no then fine ..I shall go.

I recently asked for it deleted and the response was encouraging for me to keep on,however they also recognise the limitations of this forum for me and have suggested some other sites for me to run tandem.

Some people on here say they don't think about gambling until they come on this site..I am the opposite...much of my thinking in the day is the churning over and over of the consequences of my involvement with a gambler in denial...and I always make the distinction.

For me this has felt like a place I could discharge those feelings as an internal monologue with myself.

Sometimes it is the negative thoughts I have in my head...but the difference is...I don't usually act on them.

Im sorry that I cannot give you any prior warning to this happening and I do find myself having to be doubly responsible on here and not only type my own thoughts but also consider couching them in such a way that it only reads positively for the CG ..

Sometimes I slip...Im not perfect.

I also carry huge but different guilt to CG's and also that can be triggered by reading gambling posts...it happens often but I don't document it...

The sequence of events that does happen is that my self esteem drops..I feel a failure for leaving and getting out and I begin to beat myself up and then have an 'urge" to be angry.

I often think why was I not strong enough to stay and compare myself to other people on here who found a way back to their partners.

Its not personal Shiny .....but I can't stop you taking it that way....I will protect you as much as I can so you are not upset..but somedays I cant do it...I resort to old behaviours especially when under terrific stress as I am this week with the prospect of having to move again....its another loss for me.

Take care...your recovery comes first.

Rachel xx

ps...I agree totally about drinking....In my work as a constant driver I can't drink in the week as I have to drive long distances the next day.

Friday nights I am particularly vulnerable as I have no need to get up for work.

Drink does me no favours and I came home in a pig of a mood.

Im not making excuses ...I have been to AA...Im not an alcoholic (even they said so) but drink definately can take the lid off anger and can go either way depending on what mood i'm in.

I rarely get drunk these days as it takes me days to get over it.When I was living with my ex it was weekly.

I also understand the hurt of feeling pushed away when you have given so much support... i felt like that myself many times and yes its sad.....but its not personal to you.

If you feel hurt you have to protect yourself...even from me...and let me get on with it..even though its destructive to me...

I didn't do that with my partner...which is why i'm like this now.

I had a slip...I got back on the horse....I forgive myself ..

Thats what we do...its unconditional from me...always has been.

Rachel xxx

Good Morning,

I hope you can at some point in the next few days begin to make sense of a crazy couple of days here. This doesn't have to be the beginning of a time away from the middle this is just a slight deviation from the centre, and one that can be easily resolved.

I think on specific issues no 2 people will ever agree totally. I think an issue was brought to light which separated the CG from the Supporter. Does that mean all friendship and respect should be lost? To me I don't think so, to some it may.

I think the beauty of this site is the vast array of characters, and personalities. It is the combination of all these which makes it vibrant, interesting, and generally a good place to be.

I choose to use it as a spur in my recovery, a push forward, a chance to prove to others that I am not a lost cause, I have got real, and I will live a happy gamble free life gaining the respect, and re-gaining the trust of those closest to me. That's where I have found the positives, sometimes it's not easy but they can be found.

Look forward to meeting back in the middle with a solid double decker. (mine went back in the fridge, salvaged).

Flagg

Hi Shiny...

Hope your not keeping off this site on account of me...because your recovery is so much bigger and important than that.

So Im guessing you are in the garden and having fun.

I'm sorry if you feel I have let you down but I can't beat myself up for that or load on more guilt..I have to carry on.

Flagg is right inso far this has brought up the different needs for Gamblers and Supporters. What I now know is that I too have to reach a rock bottom of some sort and i'm well on my way.

In the opposite way to Flagg and supports his point I have chosen to let go and bring this about faster....I have spent too many years holding it all together and being 'perfect" and over accommodating.... now in the total opposite to Flagg I need to be very selfish,perhaps disliked and take all the consequences that go with that.

For people like me we have now a name...we also have an addictive illness and its called Co-Dependency... and yes ..its new an sounds all american...but in the future it will be seen as equally destructive as drink,gambling and drugs...like gambling it is also invisible on the surface but it is believed to be what is at the base of all addictions.

I found this out as a result of attracting yet another person with a compatible addiction..in this case gambling...and that fitted like a glove enmeshed until one of us decided to change..

Shiny...whatever you are feeling ..its not personal to you....I am also sick and ill and you have to protect yourself from me if necessary..don't worry about

posting to me ..I wont take it personally I promise.

hugs on our different paths Shiny ...we can still wave though and have a chat if you like.

Rachel xx

Yo,

Today I am ok, still in my middle , still quite reflective about recent events on this site .

When I look back on my time here, I have found that when someone who I have built up a relationship ( all be it virtual ) relapses , slips, or leaves (particularly following a misunderstanding ) I tend to pull away from posting whilst I get to grips to it.

That may have something to do with my own recovery and these relapses show how fragile it can be . Or it maybe the great sadness I feel for the person who relapsed , slipped , or left .

With everything I do in life I give my all that includes this site. Sometimes it becomes a bit overwhelming and a need to pull back becomes very obvious . This needs to be done to allow a time to reflect on these events and make some sense of them to allow for them to be filed away. I wish that I did not dwell on things as much as I do , mentally it's exhausting , but I do , I always have , and it is a major part of who I am.

I as sure with in a few days normal transmission will resume, I do not have urges to gamble , or funnily enough drink . Just feel a bit sad for what people are going through , feel powerless to help , and also feel the need to really think through what I post and be quite guarded , as I am well aware how a wrong line here or there can impact negatively on this situation ,

and really do not want to stoke any fires .

Back to the sidelines.

Shiny xxxxx

Hello,

I have not posted on your diary in a little while and I thought I should pop in and say hi. I feel there is a little tension in the air today and I don't know why or what has happened but I hope all is O.K. with you and you are doing well.

I always imagine it must be fairly difficult for you sometimes on this site. You are such an important ingredient of this forum and are heavily involved in many diaries. Sometimes it is difficult to deal with our own emotions let alone that of another twenty individuals. Having said that, you are extremely well thought of here and many look forward to a post from you. You offer kind words of support and have a subtle sense of humour which can pick somone up when they desperately need it.

Personally, I feel as if I could benefit from a well earned week in the sun. I have missed my summer holiday this year. It is great to have a new baby but mum and dad are walking around with their eyes half shut and the thought of going to work tomorrow does not make me happy. My wife kids me on that I go to work for a break but she doesn't understand that at work everyone wants something from me every minute of the day. If they don't want something they want to moan about something or someone and expect a resolution to their problems fast. I gather you have experience of these situations. They can become tiring especially when we are tired.

We continue to plough ahead at full steam.

Tomso.

Yo,

Ok, time to move on from all this over the last few days.

Got my head around it all, and today made the decision enough already . Fed up thinking bout it , fed up debating it with myself , so I have draw a line under it . Do not want to discuss my feelings about it , do not want to put up barriers because of it , it is OVER !!!

I would ask anyone who posts on my thread not to mention it , cause like I said the time has come to file it away and get on with learning to live in harmony with my addictions.

So today slipped the bin men a few quid and hay presto all the rubbish I had stacked up gone . Yipeeeeeeeed

Had a good day at work yesterday , held a couple of very productive meetings and managed to start to push forward on some of the projects I am working on.Yipeeeee

So lots of positives in my life at the moment , yipeeeeee

Shiny is back to feeling herself yipeeeeededeee xxxxxxx