Help

DAY 382

Smashed : Sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown. 14 years is a long time and imagine that hasn't been easy to get over.

Sharon: Thanks as ever for your continued support, I do hope you are right. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about that little girl. The rest I have dealt with no problem but losing the relationship I had with her and how she was used as a weapon did hurt badly but eventually the bullets ran out and I was able to move all our lives forward when they did. As I said with my song choice about her, "sometimes things don't work out right and you just have to say goodbye". I made a sacrifice to ensure she wasn't put into anymore horrible situations.

I wouldn't ever describe anything you do as self indulgent Sharon, your selflessness shines through and your daughter is old enough now to make up her own mind and she knows what you have done for her. You should be proud and put that stick away now, no need to beat yourself up any longer.

LML: It is really nice to hear from you again. I really appreciate your kind words and I have total faith my future is going to be a bright and happy one now. I do feel a better person for this experience and I am blessed with the friends I have in my life. I hope you can get on the path to the future you deserve too.

Take care, stay strong everyone and have a great Weekend.

Matt

DAY 386:

All of a sudden I am 14 days away from 400 days without a bet. That sounds a hell of a lot and I guess it is.

Had a good weekend. Friday had dinner and drinks. Saturday I visited a friend in hospital, beat him at cards but it cheered him up. Saturday evening I stayed in and watched TV as the weather was so bad!

Sunday was an interesting day. I went and got my car cleaned they were so busy I had to wait around for an hour. In years gone by I would have headed straight to the l*******s there to kill the time betting on horse racing and football no doubt. I was sat right outside the shop and was smiling to myself , knowing exactly how far I had come, I must have looked crazy ha ha. I also remember a horrible arguement in the same shopping centre car park I had with my ex in December, which resulted in my ex speeding off as I chased her car in floods of tears. My life couldn't be further away from the misery I was suffering daily on repeat back then.

In the evening i had a family evening out at a place called Tulley's farm. They do this absolutely brilliant Halloween festival, a great laugh and very dam scary, highly reccommend it!

Anyway stay strong all.

Matt

DAY 393.

Busy Weekend. Friday evening paid my friend a visit who is in recovery from his kidney transplant. He is ok but his body is trying to reject it so is in and out of hospital. He is in good spirits, says he feels better in himself. The disease he has will eventually kill that kidney too so it could last 1 year, 3 years or 20! Puts a lot in perspective. I have my health and am thankful for that. Gambling really makes you take your life for granted, makes me angry that I let it dominate me for so long.

Saturday I cleaned my house and then headed out in the afternoon on the hunt to furnish my lounge. I had already picked up some nearly new sofas second hand so wanted to do my best to complete it. Looking forward to using it in winter as it has a nice open fire. I got a TV, TV unit, Rug, Clock, light and it now really looks like home again! The money I spent would have been spent in 2-3 mins on a lost horse race back in the day, so that also puts a lot in perspective.

Sunday I helped a local guy move to his daughters house as the old boy has managed to break his tibula and fibula. I met him 6 months ago in the local bar when I was going through hell and he was someone I have shared a few beers with. I visited him a couple of times in hospital and I think he was surprised at that. He text me to say I was an angel, this I know I am not but I feel happy to help him in his time of need as he did me (unknowingly).

Life is most certainly on the up and saying no to that first bet has helped me to start build my life again autonomously, correctly and I now have the foundations to a great future in place.

Stay strong all.

Matt

Hi Matt lovely to hear you enjoying turning your house into a home! It'S so rewarding helping others I expect your company and help means the world to this man.Like you say you have laid the foundations to a happy and bright future, am so pleased for you. Take care S:)

Day 395,

Thanks Sharon, as always your comments on my diary are appreciated.I really feel I have come so far now in a relatively short ammount of time. In under 2 weeks it will be a year since everything came to light and I thought my world was broken beyond repair, little did I know hey.

Stay strong all.

Matt

DAY 399

And the eve of day 400 and close to the 1 year anniversary of my breakup.

To follow Abstainer's lead I found a song completely by accident that may just sum up my gambling problem "The Way I do" Bishop Briggs.

When my break up occured and the truth about me became clear I had never felt so vulnerable my entire life. In that moment, it's really strange but it's kind of like realisation and relief all in one. When I decided to leave, in that moment, I just looked at her and felt in my bones and in my soul, if I leave now, she'll never know this pain and maybe she shouldn't have to. You'll never know this love. You'll never feel the way I do. It's about the ache that us ex gamblers have and the whole point is sticking it out. Of course there are moments when you have doubt. Every time I hear this song, it always reminds me of how thankful I am that I keep going so I won't have to go through something like that again.

Oh, but you will never know this love
Will never know this pain
Never know the way I feel for you
You will never know this touch
Will never know this shame
Will never know the way I want you to

Stay strong all

Matt

Hi Matt thank you for always being so open and honest in your posts, such a thought provoking and heartfelt journey you've had. 400 days is really something to aspire to and I hope you feel proud of this. You have obviously learnt so much about yourself and have become the person you wanted to be. I have nothing but respect and admiration for you and it'S a privilege to travel with you take care my fr2S:)

Well done on the 400 days Matt..
Yove come sooooo far..
X

Nice one Matt

Morning Matt & congratulations on 400 Days GF. Enjoyed listening to your song; Bishop Bragg - 'The Way I Do' and liked the video on youtube.

Wishing you happy days...stephen

This is fantastic! Keep up good work Matt!

DAY 400

Thank you everyone for your continued support, wouldn't have got here without you.

Life is very very different from this time 400 days ago and this time last year. I finally feel on the right path and with a solid sustainable future ahead of me.

Work is keeping me busy and going well, my self esteem problems firmly a thing of the past. In just over 3 weeks I will be Dog Sledding, Whale watching and chasing the northern lights. I cannot wait to do all this and will be my reward for coming through the toughest of times in my personal life.

Take care and stay strong all and if you have read my diary I hope you too can have some faith that anything is possible, if we abstain.

Matt

Thankyou for posting on my diary Matt. Appreciate your support and good advice which I will certainly take on board...stephen

400 not out, well done Matt, your trip sounds amazing.

Day 404

No real update, no gambling, no urges and maybe a small lull. Work is going exceptionally well and will get better too with some new projects I am working on.

Personally feel happy in myself and proud of my achievements even if I do still harbour a lot of regret. I need to get back into the gym routine and get myself feeling fit again as that has gone a little on the shelf recently.

I'm looking forward to Xmas and of course my trip away in a few weeks, that will be something special and maybe something I would never have done, proof good things do come after bad.

I know I will never gamble again, it now feels like an old friend who I accept I won't see again as they were not good for me. This year has flown by and I'm guaranteed a better Xmas than I had last year. The emotional pain I felt was absolutely brutal and it is magnified by the festivities. Not sure what I will be doing but I know I won't be crying by eyes out walking the streets in despair while the rest of te town was indoors with their families.

Stay strong everyone, I truly hope you can all beat this addiction.

Matt