Here's to a better life!

Day 3 - here we are.

A busy day today for me.

Monday's are usually pretty hectic work wise and I also spent time organising finances etc.

Found time for the gym late this evening as well which I am really proud of as I didn't feel like going at all.

Made some positive steps as well financially in regards to control and access of money. I had an honest conversation with my parents about relinquishing full control of my money. They were of course initially happy to help but we then discussed the underlying concern of their own addictions - alcohol and gambling.

Unfortunately there were some really difficult situations in the past that happened in regards to my inheritance and my dad losing this money gambling. I love him a lot but I know he has not gotten over this and a repeat of this would put both him and me in a very dark place.

We have agreed a compromise which involves me only having access to a limited amount of money and the rest being paid into a 120 day notice savings account that does not allow withdrawals prior to this time. The only exception is in the case of 'hardship' where you would essentially have to make an application, alongside sufficient evidence of an extreme circumstance of you needing the money early.

Of course, being a compulsive gambler, I don't doubt my own ingenuity at fabricating stories to access money, so I have taken the additional step of informing the bank of my gambling issues and making it clear I must not be granted access unless exceptional circumstances with evidence.

I am concerned that there are still flaws in this plan of course, but the situation with my family and manging finances is really not one that has gone well previously - so I am not left with a clear and easy option at this moment in time.

I will discuss this in counselling and GA this week I think.

On to day 4.

Day 4.

Lots of anxiety and apprehension today and found myself really struggling to focus at work.

I guess the initial adrenaline of coming clean regarding my addiction has now worn off and the reality is starting to dawn on me. It's odd, it's not even like an urge to gamble but almost an existential dread regarding my fear of this addiction having control over me forever.

I guess I should focus on the here and now and not on the future.

That being said, I have my first GA meeting in about an hour - very nervous!

@t604bvfskn hi mate its my day 1 after a major relapse out of all my relapses i have done alot in terms of barring myself it the first time in a decade i have gone into debt usually it was only savings its a possitive start not had any urgues of yet see how i go on 

@tazman hi mate  

sorry to hear about the relapse. 

I had something similar which led to my starting this most recent road to recovery. 

I’m afraid I can’t offer you much in the way of advice at this moment in time other than change something.

I looked at myself and realised I had tried to recover so many times ‘my way’ and that my way was obviously now working. Whatever that means for you, it is worth giving some thought to doing something different. 

Belated day 5 for me. 

overdue tonight as had a busy day. 

Really pleased to report that I attended my first GA session on Tuesday night. 

I genuinely cannot recall being that nervous walking into that room but I’m so pleased I did it. 

Met a great bunch of lads and alas managed to share some of my story. Looking forward to another new meeting on Friday.

Day 6.

By far my worst day in my recovery thus far.

Felt like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders and have desperately struggled to slow down my overthinking brain.

Oddly, these weren't gambling urges, but instead it was the sheer realisation of the scale of the challenge Infront of me. 

I guess this is why the 'just for today' mantra's are so important.

So on that note:

- Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not try to tackle all my problems at once

- Just for today, I will not gamble

@t604bvfskn it’s great that you went to a meeting and it sounds like you have another one tonight.

For me the real benefit of the room is when you can just share everything in the room without judgement. I don’t know how much or how little you shared but try and get as much out as you can. It’s not a quick fix but with regular attendance and over time you’ll find it gets easier. 
It is also normal to think about everything else once you stop gambling as you’ve been using gambling as a way of dealing with the real world. GA asks you give them 90 days so keep going and see what life’s like after 90 days, and if it’s better then keep going. Gambling will always be there so don’t worry that you’re missing out, but you might find life is better without gambling.

Chris.

@t604bvfskn i felt the worst today earlier on knowing the damage i have done within the short period of time, as i know i will have to pay for my concequences however im making plans tonight to get my mind off this, i just need to keep busy as i know the longer i refrain from this the better it will get 

Day 7! 

Here I am a week in (as of Friday) and what a week it has been.

Looking back on it now, the following has happened:

- Achieved 7 days clean of gambling

- Come clean to family and friends that I am a compulsive gambler

- Attended my first few GA sessions

It's been a really difficult first week but I am proud looking back on these big first steps.

I have a long list of things I need to do this weekend that are on the practical side of things such as getting all my barriers in place, sorting out finances etc.

Onto day 8.

@chris-uk Hi Chris, thank you for commenting mate - really appreciated.

Managed to share somewhat in my first two meetings but certainly going to build on this over the coming weeks months years ongoing.

Your point on thinking about everything once you stop gambling is spot on - it has felt like all the problems in the world have come crashing down this week and its because I now have to face my problems head on, knowing that gambling is no longer there for me to avoid my emotions. Its a withdrawal in a funny sort of way.

As we say "one day at a time"

Thanks again mate

@t604bvfskn gambling completely did me over it seems like it punished me at the worst time i arranged for a day out with few friends cost £25 and then i have to attend another birthday do next week and arrange a gift which is another expense as he expecting me and i cant just make an excuss thats my luck for u

Day 8 (as of Saturday) 

apologies for another slightly belated post, not sure why I keep forgetting to do these until late in the day - going to try and get them done earlier going forward. 

another busy day but more importantly - another day without gambling.

very cautious as I have been here a million times before.

attended my second GA meeting last night at a new room. This one did feel more intimidating but I still took some great insight away with me. 

lost on the agenda tomorrow, some of which includes finishing implementing the following:

- gambling blocks (I still have a few more to add) 

- finances (taking stock of everything)

very much hoping to post tomorrow (Sunday) with a very productive day that does not include gambling  

@t604bvfskn keep pushing on mate, life so much better without it, we make make mistakes and we live and learn 

@tazman Thank you mate, still going at it.

Hope going strong your end

Day 9 

Still no gambling and not too many urges.

Still struggling with a generally low mood and apprehensive about the future. 

Working through my to do list for today and trying my best to focus on one day at a time.

Looking forward to next week:

- Tuesday GA meeting

- Tuesday appointment with therapist gambling specialist

- Thursday/Friday GA meeting

Have a good week all