Here's to a better life!

Hello mate

I too messed up for first time in 4 months.

Was my late dad's birthday on Saturday and thought he would be smiling down on me and bring me luck. 

Being drunk didn't help but ended up losing a significant amount of money.

So here we go again. 

Start all over.

As you say.

Here's to a better life.

CBL

@cbl Hi mate

Thank you for sharing and sorry to hear.

Hits close to home as it is my late Grandfathers birthday this week and it is always a painful reminder that he isn't here.

He practically raised me and it hurts to know deep down that I haven't made him proud since he passed.

The only thing we can do is aim to be better, for us and for them.

Wish you all the best mate,

Jim

Hello again my old china 

I hope one day we can conquer this illness disease or is it our choice I really don't know.

I'm struggling big time .

I know I'm doing the wrong things drinking and gambling home life with the Mrs is terrible through both our attitudes. 

God knows I try my best I do well for 4/6weeks then mess up again.

Hope you stay strong mate

CBL

Day 2 nearly over. 

The urges are very strong, although I suppose it is to be expected.

Have staved most of them away today by keeping busy, but from experience I know this is never a sustainable tactic.

I have had the benefit of great help over the years in order to combat this illness but I know this lies with me. I have to be the one to change my life for the better.

Taking it one day at a time...

@cbl Keep at it mate.

I have realised it truly lies with us - taken me 10 years to come to this realisation.

There is a mixture of fear and optimism that comes to me when I think of this.

We will find a way.

Decided I am going to make another step forward tomorrow by attending my first chat session on here.

I think they are at 8pm.

Will update on here afterwards.

Well day 3 is almost finished.

Definitely more of a mixed emotion day today.

The initial novelty and excitement has worn off in terms of having another go at recovery.

This has led to the doubts creeping in and that realisation of how much of a mammoth task this is ahead of me.

That being said, I enjoyed speaking to a few of the guys on here in the chatroom tonight, felt really welcome and they gave me some good advice. Going to try and get on there more often.

Onto day 4...

Disappointing day for me today, really don't feel like writing my post but I made a promise to myself that I would post in here every day regardless of the day's events.

The relapse simply involved me standing in the queue at the petrol station and glancing over at the scratchcards on the counter. A few seconds later I had bought two of them.

I don't even know why, I have probably only bought a handful of scratchcards in my life, I've never really been interested in them as my gambling behaviour has always been what I would describe as 'fast and furious'.

So its back to day 1.

I know this relapse may seem minor but for me it still marks a set back.

Its a cold, stark, slap in the face that the gambling element of my brain is always working to get its fix and I suppose I am quite afraid that it will be this way forever.

It is clear that I have a lot to process still in terms of truly changing my life.

One question that keeps me awake at the moment is 'do I really want to change?' - like deeply with every fibre of my being.

The obvious answer is yes but I still have a way to go to be able to honestly answer this yes.

I don't want it to take for me to reach true 'rock bottom' in order for me to be able to answer this.

As you can see, a lot of thoughts running through my head.

However, just for the rest of the day - I will not gamble.

Late post from me.

Pleased to report I made it through my second attempt of day 1 (or should I say 200th attempt lol)

Today was a really big day for me, I decided to confess to my close family regarding my gambling.

They were aware that this was an issue for me a number of years ago but thought I had it well under control and were quite surprised to hear about my behaviour of late.

Fortunately, being the great people that they are, they were very comforting and understanding.

As part of these discussions, I gave my word that I will give my recovery everything I have.

So in addition to counselling, gam care etc... I am going to be starting GA this week.

I dabbled in this three years ago but came into the meetings with a chip on my shoulder and felt I didn't really need to be there - how naive I was!

Anyway, I am definitely feeling somewhat relieved this evening. I still have a few friends I aim to speak to about this over the next few days.

On that note, its onto day 2.

BW,

Jimmy

Hi Jimmy,

Thanks for the post on my diary really cheered me up!!!!

I found at the start i wanted to control my gambling and went thru phases of trying out different gambling ways in order try try and control it and make it work....... in all honesty i tried online poker then bookies, then pub poker, then fruit machines, thru the first three years on here i went thru phases of being controlled but where the excitement diminished i lloked for the excitement and then went thru phases of losing greater amounts and stopping starting cycle depending on losses......I had a breakdown and almost lost my job august 2018 and gave up betting for good .... i finally wnet 6 months without a single bet to my birthday in may 2019 then for a treat i talked about it with my mum and decided to play pub poker and play once a week....now you may say A BREAKDOWN< ALMOST LOSING JOB!!!! why on earth would you want to start again?????? and i honestly couldnt tell you why??? for the next 6 months i managed to play controlled untill the point where the excitement wasnt there again and i went again onto a fruit machine..... they are my nemesis.......i kept a spreadsheet and over the first 6 months only lost 100 pounds..... then i i had a eureka moment in dec 2019...... i thought im not drinking , im not smoking,.... thats doing me a hell of a lot of good.....why am i gambling????? so 2nd dec 2019 was the last time i gambled....... now what im trying to show jimmy is that u will probably thru time try to justify gambling in different forms u will get moments and possibilites and ways that will show up.... (like the scratchcards, or walking past a bookie with notes in your pocket, or friends are doing a poker night, or a friends are going past a casino when out on the lash, or ur bored at home online and u think lets look for unregulated sites not on gamstop) these temptations are there they are not going anywhere and will be there forever...... 

But if you top for say 6 months and give it a chance to show the improvements in ur life i garauntee there will be improvements.... then main two are finances and time...... if u stop i garuantee your finances will improeve in those six months even if you treat yourself for not gambling they will improve but more of a benefit is the time.....the time that can be spent with family and friends.... you will find countless new hobbies immerge, interests will develop, health will improve....family and friends will see you more and will treat you and see you as a better person...... it really really works to kickstart a new fresh lifestyle.....

Each time a potential stumbling block comes up in life try not to act impulsively, its soo hard at first not to give in to temptation but i promise you that with time it gets easier..... each time you make the right decision the time it takes to get to that no decision gets shorter and the time away from that vice improves.....

im living prove that it can happen...... keep on this site..... your post on my diary really helped me yesturday to see that im doing well.....

I hope this post helps to give you a headstart over the three years on here that i had not doing so well.... nd you can kick on straight away with a better start on here...

Adam 

@adam123 Evening Adam

Thanks so much for this mate, I really needed it.

You're spot on, so many times I have thought that I will "just have a few sports bets" or "I won't play roulette" but will play something else on the casino that may be 'less risky' and it is all the gambling part of our brain trying to feed the addiction in one form or another.

I am sure I am going to have many of these thoughts and urges ongoing but I must stay vigilant and recognise when i am trying to reason with myself and that reasoning is going to lead me to a relapse.

Thanks again mate and hopefully see you in the chatroom this week.

Best,

Jimmy

Day 2 is almost done.

Had another hard but productive day today with speaking to family and friends about my addiction.

I have told 8 people this week, all who are my nearest and dearest so I am really proud of myself for doing that.

Counselling tomorrow night and hopefully attend at least one GA meeting this week.

Hi

Good for you.

I found that attending meetings helped me face my sef and with my honesty my fears are reduced.

As my fears reduce my trust starts to grow.

I learn how emotionally vulnerable I use to be.

I have lost count of the times i went back to my unhealthy addictions and obsessions.

The recovery program is not about right wrong good or bad.

For me the recovery program is about learing how unhealthy I was.

What I need to was to stop sitting on my hands doing nothing and getting my a*s in to gear.

I started to write down my needs. I started to write down my wants.

I started to write down my goals.

Less wasted time.

More rpoductive time.

Keep dedicated to your rrecovery and your ehaling.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

@gadaveuk Evening Dave, thanks very much for this mate. 

I have read many of your posts this week on other threads and it is clear that you genuinely care for the wellbeing of all of us on here. 

I will head your advice and look forward to the start of my journey at GA tomorrow.