Hope

Hi SA,

Thanks for your post on my diary, it's always appreciated. Hope you manage to get back into your running as remember, those runs in the cold, crisp air are wonderful.

I know, as I went for one this morning and it really did me the world of good.

GT

Thanks for your post SA. It must be difficult for you not running. Having read your diary for the past 6 months I know that it gives you the lift you need. All I would say is don't rush back too quickly as you don't want to make it worse! Could you do some upper body work just to tick you over? 1.51 and 1.53 are very solid times. I was nearly dead on my feet after 8 miles! My friend ran 1.44 last year...hence why I want to beat him and the time! I know life is tough for you sa....but keep going. Things will get better in time. Russ

Hi S.A, have just had a quick read of your diary - and you seem down with life at the mo, and considering what you have been through over past few months that is totally understandable. Stay strong. I hope you can find a way through that gives what you are looking for. I just wanted to say though - that if you ever do doubt yourself - please know how much you have helped me and others on this forum. Your replies on threads are insightful, honest, and you clearly speak from the heart. So thank you for the times you have taken to help me understand my husbands addiction a little more, and thank you for the peace that your words have often bought me. Good luck and stay strong- 2011 is a new year and it just has to be a better one.

Hi, I was thinking to buy a software to install in my computer to stop myself access to gambling website.

They cost something like $51 to $78 for a year. Luckily, i found one which is free for personnel home use.

http://www1.k9webprotection.com/aboutk9/overview

you just need to edit the option and tick on the gambling option and it only blocks the gambling websites. Type the password randomly on Microsoft Words without looking at them. Then copy and paste the password in when regisyter the account with K9. Then email the password (extremely important) to your loves one. Make sure the he/she wont lose the password but i hope either one of us will ever need the password back.

Note: you can change the password by the email that you registered. Make sure you register an email for this and use the same password from K9. This will prevent yourself from resetting the password and they can send a temporary password to your email.

Good luck with that. No more gambling, Finito

Thanks Gt, Russ and Spider your thoughts mean alot. Day 89 since my last gamble of any kind.

I had a fairly good day yesterday. Out of nowhere I was just feeling quite good. Nothing had changed but I had this deep sense of well being. It was odd cos nothing had happened I was just pottering around feeling at peace. I enjoyed it while it lasted. It did pass of course lol

I had a coffee and read the paper in the pub, a bit of food shopping and then walked over to running club in the evening and had a beer with them after their run. I still can't run but soon enough I will be back to it.

Even though I am poor person I can still afford the small pleasures in life.. like "a beer" or "a slice of choclate tiffin from that little cake shop on the corner" or "a coffee in the high street". When I am gambling I can't even afford these things.

Am really getting the hang of this day by day thing in a way that i havent really done before. I get to anxious if I think about the future too much and worry to much about the "what if's".. All I can do is live in the moment and take it from there. Lets see what today brings. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Well here we are Day 90 since my last bet of any kind and the last day of the year.

How has my year been?

Well mixed I spose.. it would be easy to say its been s**t but it has had some positives. Joining the running club was a good thing and has given me a glimpse of what its like to have a social life. The feel good factor from having got fitter has made a big difference as well. I feel so alive after a good run. Its something that i know that i need and want to pursue. In 2011 I will run my first marathon.

On the gambling front it hasn't been a great year and when all is said and done my last gambling episode in October led directly to my deciding to exit my job. I wanted it to end I wasn't happy but the way i went about it wasn't being good to myself. To choose to go from work to unemployment was self-destructive behaviour and I have some regrets for doing that... especially in the current jobs climate. However I am not going to dwell on this, what is done is done. I will find my way forward on the work front.. when it happens.

My mental health has been a bit all over the place at time this year (hence the slips) and its something I continue to have to work hard at. I am prone to bouts of depression and anxiety. I have had days where i have woken up and felt so down that all I wanted to do was lie their think dark thoughts. Or times where I have felt so anxious that ive not been able to focus on anything. But then i remind myself that even within those same days ive pulled myself around to better mind states and a level of peace within myself.

Where do I go from here?

Well sometimes the sheer monotony of this diary gets me down. Ive been saying much the same sort of stuff for so long now that it all seems a bit pointless... but I keep doing it. On average ive posted in my own diary every 36 hours for 2 years and 8 months.. something quite unique with the diaries. If there is such a thing as addiction to recovery forums then i am it.

If anything I need this place more now that i am not working and yet i see others slowly drift away. I was going to close this diary today as I kinda feel too much out on a limb with its sheer length but then i feel well if its working then why do that.. it doesn't make any sense. So I won't... I just think I will try to post a little less in my diary. Post only when i need to or have something significant to say. It will be healthy for me to pull away a little bit.. reduce my dependency but still stay connected. That feels like the best way forward.

Over the last few years I have learn't what i need to do to stop gambling. Ive also learnt that when ive had those occasional blips I can get back on track quickly. I have made much progress. I have gone from gambling every day to virtually no gambling at all and thats got to be an acheivment in itself.. so well done to me.

Thanks for listening and a happy and gambling free new year to all.. S.A 🙂

P.s Ive decided to stop counting... but continue to make the days count.

P.s.s .... My resolve not to gambling any more remains as strong as an Ox

P.s.s.s .... Is 2011 going to be my year??.. Yes!

SA,it has certainly been a tough and eventful year for you,i think you can look forward to a more positive 2011:),.......you will soon be back to your running and have a set target to aim for,i'm also sure that with the right attitude you will find employment,you just need to be careful about drifting back into the caring type of role out of desperation,that's not to say that a job within that sphere is out of the question,maybe an admin position with a care company/charity may suit?.

Regarding your diary,i can understand how you feel,perhaps stepping back a little will have a positive effect for you:),.....if not then the diary is still available for you to use as you feel the need.

Seano.

Glad to see that 2011 is going to be your year mate. I agree with not counting--every day is a new day and if we do not gamble on that day-well that is good and we only need worry about one day at a time.

With regards to stopping the diary---been there got the t-shirt as they say. Back in September I was king of the world-untouchable-in control-no worries-------------------3 months later I was back as I realised that it was the diary that was helping me to gain my life back. If I did not post I would not be letting others or myself down would I ?

By posting I know that others are looking and although we probably would not know each other if we met in the street, I still feel an obligation to others to not fail and also to try to help them.

I fully understand what you are saying about writing the same old things but there is nothing boring about--'I have not gambled today'

A very happy new year to you mate and I truly hope that 2011 is the best year yet for us all.

I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP

Stumper

Thanks Seano and Stumper 🙂

Ive just been on happy new year tour of the diaries that have been a good support to me over this last year. Am aware that in doing that i will have missed some folk out not because I don't want to say happy new year but because ive run out of steam with typing this morning.. so just to say..

Happy new year to everyone. May it be a safe gambling free year ahead.. S.A 🙂

You went on a posting frenzy there my friend!

I've a feeling this year will be your year SA - if you stay away from the comfortable grooves of old habits, and have a good explore of new ground. You already put the wheels in motion, you just gotta keep going bud!

You are courageous and capable - a deadly combo. Go get em tiger !!!

f x

best wishes for 2011 s.a 🙂 whilst you decide whether or not to post as much theres nothing wrong wi a simple today i wont gamble post..keeps you in control friend....i liked your feedback suggestions as well....odaat we will get there friend..we can do this 🙂

Hi S.A

Just been catching up with your diary. Yep its been a mixed bag for you in 2010..

But what i really admire about you... Is your honesty and never give up sprirt. You are always looking and finding positives in everything that seems to throw itself your way..Sometimes when our backs are up against the wall and theres no-where left to turn it can be very easy just to give up.. But you always come back that little bit stronger and little bit more determined than before..That takes a lot of character.

I wish you all the best in 2011 mate..

Many thanks for your continued support on my diary.

Takecare

Keep safe

And a Very Happy New Year

Hello SA

I do hope 2011 will be a good year for you. From a non-gambling aspect, you have a platform of over 90 days without a gamble to build on and whilst I can see you've abstained for very lengthy periods only to relapse, there really is no tangible, actual, real, living or otherwise reason why you can't remain gamble free for ever. The slip that won't happen, can only be initiated by you and no matter what anyone else says, absolutely no external influence can force you to bet.

I've read your diary from the beginning, including your initial post, and you are truly a top, top, top, top bloke. You have suffered mental illness and borne it so admirably and coped as well as you can with our shared gambling disease, yet you have skilfully extended your kindness, wisdom and beautiful caring nature to many others on this site, including myself, in such a crystal clear and concise manner. You have a caring gift. And you are needed. And you deserve to stay gamble free - from this I am certain life will improve greatly for you. Thanks and take care.

Chris

I fully echo Chris' thoughts - you, like many others on here, have an incredibly caring nature and anyone who reads your first post will know how difficult it must have been for you to keep this gambling at bay.

But you have and the support that you have been giving others has really helped, including myself.

Just remember to think about yourself every now and then!

GT

Hi SA!

I hope that you had a good one and that 2011 is going to be better than last year. Like others have been saying, your posts and the support that you give to others show that you are a thoroughly decent person and you deserve the best. Somehow, however, I get the feeling that you don't believe it- Be good to yourself ! Good things will come to you!

Happy New Year!