Hope

hope your having your usual morning blues s.a and that youve perked up this afternoon....your christmas plans sounds like good fun...chin up dude youve got many well wishers and friends on here...86 and counting friend...we can do this 🙂

Thanks everyone.. ive perked up a bit. 🙂

Its actually 83 days today.. but like to feel that you lovely people have given me an extra couple of days for good behaviour 😉 Not that I especially want to count anymore. I found it motivational in the early days and in getting me back on track but now its simply a case of making each day count.

Anyway am kinda fine today.. ive had no gambling drama's in the run up to christmas, which is an acheivment in itself and now is the time to just chill. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

All the best SA,hope you enjoy the next few days:).

Seano.

Hi S.A

Glad to read you've perked up a bit.

Merry Christmas my friend

Enjoy and Takecare

Thanks guys 🙂

Well here we are Christmas day and here I am exactly 12 weeks since my last bet of any kind. I guess thats my Christmas present to myself.

All the best folks, hope today passes off without anything untoward happening and keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Happy Christmas SA, have a good day fella. Keep that chin up. Russ

Thanks Russ 🙂

Day 85 since my last gamble and gambling free it shall remain.

Spent Christmas day at my friends place and it was fine. A single blokes xmas except friend wasn't drinking so i only drank a couple of cans.. which was fine as well... I can take it or leave it nowadays. A roast meal eaten, few games of chess, cr** telly and that was that really... walked home this morning.

The whole experince kinda got me thinking. In future I will either spend Christmas with family/relatives/or a partner or spend it on my own. It felt a little like I was in his "space" (which i was of course) and everything felt quite controlled. When I tried to get on with doing the roasts and vege it was clear that friend wasn't very happy about that. He obviously had his master plan and i was required to fit into it.. which in one respect was fine cos it was his home but in another it wasn't.. cos I did feel like I was treading on egg shells.

Arent friends at xmas spose to just kinda muck in and laugh lots when everything gets burnt and just have a chilled out time of it and be merry??? In retro-spect I woosh I had gone to stay at my sisters... o well i shall try and remmber this when thinking about what to do next year.

Its a big thing with gambling addiction don't you think??.. the controlling nature. Everything having to be just so. Nobody likes to feel out of control do they? With control brings a sense of power. With power brings a sense of security. We all wnat to feel secure in ourselves.

For me i don't try to control others directly or manipulate them into doing what i want them to do. Ive been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour many times over the years. I hate people like that ya know even though I can understand how the behaviour develops. I'm feeling a bit angry today maybe more angry with myself for not making a different decision about Christmas. This chrsitmas has just been a bit s**t.

I think the way I like to feel in control is by keeping myself to myself and that way nobody can have an impact on me. And of course thats the thing about the machines they bring a sense of feeling in control even though one is totally out of control.

This is the thing with life.. being around the right sort of people and being able to trully relax this can bring great joy.. being around the wrong sort of people can be a trully miserable experience. I feel so sorry for people who are stuck in a dysfunctional relationship where one half controls and manipulates the other.. that must be a real nightmare.

I wasn't intending to write anything today but needed to. I do like to write. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Hi S.A

Just came on to your diary to say thanks because I've found people such as yourself and gettingthere really supportive over the last few weeks while I have been practically imploding! I truly think that the advice and support I have received has almost saved my life, certainly my sanity!

I'm sorry that you didn't have such a good Christmas. I know where you are coming from when you are talking about your friend, I have been in that kind of situation many a time but managed to distance myself from people like that over the years and now most of the friends that I do have, I have trust in and feel at ease with them. The others, I take with a pinch of salt and wouldn't allow myself to become emotionally involved with or embroiled in their lives- mistakes that I have made in the past. For me, managing people like this in my life has come down to learning to be more assertive and confident. It's not always easy but i'm getting better at it the older I get!

There are great people about and like you said, being around the right people can bring you so much joy-you can't get that with a machine- Of course, I know that you know that!

Take care and I hope that the New Year brings some better times ahead for you.

Day 86 dawns gambling free and gambling free it shall remain

Hi Tiktak.. your welcome and thanks for your thoughts and advice. I relate to alot of what you describe. I can imagine your situation. Some diaries i can relate to more than others, yours being one of them.

Its good to hear that your getting yourself back on track.. the hard work is maintaining it for the long term.. I find that "one day at a time" is the way it has to be for me.

My life still feels very much at a stand still. I feel a bit panicky inside sometimes... it ebbs and flows like the tide. Am trying to find the courage and the confidence to keep moving forward. Baby steps I tell myself. What is for sure though is that gambling ain't gonna improve my life as ive just been reading on another diary.

Am also gonna find the resolve to not indulge in other behaviours of an escapist and negative flavour such as comfort eating and idly surfing the web. Spending time on this site is positive but other stuff I do on the web isn't.. so am gonna work on that. I have a book I got for xmas, I will read it. I haven't read a novel for ages.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

I know you have youself down as day 86 but realistically you have so many more gamblefree days under your belt.

Of course this is how you call it,and it is your diary.

It looks to me like you post more on the diaries that need that extra help,which shows how unselfish you are .Helping those who need it most whist continueing with your own recovery.I want to thank you for all the help you have given me over the past 15 months .All the best Jeff.

Hi S.A. I would like to echo what Jeff has written. You have grown a lot in the past 15 months. To be able to recognise that it is important to surround yourself with the right people for your own safety and wellbeing is a big step forward in the Life of a compulsive gambler. And I nodded when you wrote about wanting to be in control. Yeah. Sounde very familiar. Even now I find myself wanting to control situations or outcomes. But, like you I can now see this and I am practising to step back and look at the situations and learn to do the right thing for me. And you are doing the same. You are already planning to not be in the same scenario next year. And that is good. Wishing you a great 2011. God Bless. Sabine. x

Hi SA

Just wanted to wish you all the very best for the new year!

I look forward to another year of reading and feeling your postings on your diary. Hope this year, is your year mate! I say this alot on your diary, but gonna say it again, your an inspiration.........

all the best mate, ands

Hey thanks guys and gal.. your heartfelt comments are much appreciated.

Well its day 87 since my last gamble. The last day of the year will be 90 days which seems a good day to stop counting. Although ive been at this point many times before I still find it motivational to acknolwedge the number of days.. it is an acheivment in itself.. especailly when there aint much else going on in my life.

It kinda dawns on me that I need to work on a shift in thinking and become a bit more positive. I note that even when ive stopped gambling for long periods of time ive still been a pretty unhappy person.. although to others i can come across as quite the opposite.

Is 2011 gonna be my year?? YES IT IS!! 🙂

hi, I havent had time to read all you diary yet but from the snippets Ive read you have much to be pleased about rather than feeling down.

Its a great time of year to focus on looking forward and concentrate on what you can do with your life and not dwell on the past....

Its ounds like you are highly intelligent and fully able to give yourself a goal and then go and achieve it...

so stop moping around and get out there and live your life,,,, If that means getting on the job websites then do it... whatever pain you feel now in filling out boring form after boring form will be well worth it in the end....

you only live once as they say....

good luck

Day 88 since my last gamble. Thanks Dan for your thoughts... and yes your right in what you say.. I re-did my CV yesterday which is positive.

Must admit am not in a great frame of mind.. am having "dark thoughts and feelings" but not "gambling thoughts and feelings". I need to get back running before I get to depressed.

But its like ive said before.. it doesn't matter how low i get.. am done with gambling.. I will not gamble.. a day at a time. Thanks for listening.. S.A