Hope

Thanks for your words of support, I can understand your addiction with the 7 's was once there too but moved on to the 500 Jackpots and that was my downfall. A few years ago it used to be 20 - 30 pounds lost now it is 200 - 300 lost, surely that is not inflation!!!

Hope all is going better for you than sunday did, guess hangovers dont help. I have just started a bottle of wine so may feel grotty tomorrow. Be proud that your last gamble was 25th may thats great, keep going, Best Wishes Bandit

Hi bandit thanks for your thoughts. I think whether its a ВЈ5, a ВЈ35 a ВЈ500 or £4000 jackpot machine.. the money always goes..its just a question of time. And that's what was/is my addiction.. the passing of time away from underlying feelings and low-selfesteem.

I went to GA last night.. it did help to listen to others experinces and thoughts on recovery. Its good in a way that their are some very articulate people that express themselves very clearly and articulately and with a measure of humour thrown in. The thing with me is that am not so confident in talking in a group as i am say at writing what is going on for me in places like this. Sometimes I feel the "pressure to speak" and yesterday i did not want to..but such is the culture at this meeting.. everyone speaks. Is it selfish of me not to want to speak??.. sometimes i do want to but not last night.

Ive taken away some of the literature.. some of which i have not read before.. Deviations from the road to recovery. I realise that my recovery has been in drift and stalling for quite some time. Am still struggling to find Who I really am and what i want from life. But I am not full of self-pity today.. I am looking to move forward in recovery before I go back.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Am just feeling a bit stressed this evening. I have allowed myself to think about things.. work related. I feel rather insecure and paranoid..it will pass am sure. Taking life a day at a time as always. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Well another day dawns gambling free and it looks like its going to be a lovely sunny day. Thankfully I did not go out for a few drinks last night so am going to be able to enjoy the day. No thoughts or urges to gamble. Regards to all who read this.. S.A.. 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Thanks for that SA - I will take care, been to the races maybe 3 times this year but it never seems to take hold of me like the slots do, hopefully I wont transfer my gambling, have a good day, as you say the weather just now is great, Best wishes Bandit

I hear your thoughts Bandit.. have just read that you had a good day.. nice 🙂

When i was gambling..particularly in the later stages when i was crippled with debt.. I use to hide money..thinking that if the worst happened and I lost that days gambling money.. that I would miraculously come across this forgotten money and everything would be ok... I think they call it distorted thinking lol. Of course what would happen is that i'd "do" my money and then go straight and get that money that i hadn't really forgotten about.. and "do" that as well.

Why am i saying this.. well.. today I was going through my bag and what did i pull out the side pocket.. a £10 note. i'd forgotten all about it.. i'd put it there when I went to the gym.. didn't want to keep it in the jeans pocket.. i'd had my locker broken into a few weeks before..so i dont put money in obvious places.

Just goes to show though.. when my gambling stopped.. I now find money that I never thought I had 🙂

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hello Diary,

Just checking in..it seems to help me at the moment to write in here regularly.. just keeps me focussed.

Today has been ok..have done positive stuff.. gym, swim, clothes shopping, chatted with family on phone. However I am feeling a bit depressed generally... I am just not very happy. I can't stop thinking about work stuff.. feels like i can never switch off from it. I need a holiday.

No thoughts or urges to gamble though. Am ok on that front.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Day 127 since my slip.. not so much as a lottery ticket.. so well done to me.

Ive had a relatively s**t day.. it gets me thinking about lying. I am in an on-going work situation where its not entirely clear who is lying and who isn't, who is trying to manipulate me into their way of thinking and who isn't. Its not a pleasant situation to be going through.

Obviously telling lies is a big part of gambling addiction. I told lies.. e.g said that i hadn't gambled when i had.. or lying to get money or lying about where abouts because i was actually in some gambling den and so on. I think one of my biggest lies however was lying to myself about how i was feeling and then saying to others "hey I am fine!" when in reality it was very clear that i wasn't fine at all.

Free from addiction i have no need to lie. I dont like lying in myself and i dont like it in others. Honesty is always the best policy.

Today has felt like a bit of an emotional rollercoaster but in writing this i feel like i am discharging all the anger and angst and worry that has built up during the day. It feels quite cathartic.. i feel like i could go on forever. I like to write. I often feel more comfortable in writing than speaking. Sometimes I find myself editing and correcting.. their is that part of me that wants it to be perfect and yet i know that perfectionism is part of my condition..its ok to make speeling mistakes. its ok just to have a free flow of thoughts.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Hi, Starting Again

I have days at work like that. I work in an office but have never understood office politics. I just want to shut myself in a filing cabinet until it has all blown over. It can be very unpleasant when you are caught in the storm.

Writing is a great healer isn't it. Like you, I can edit too much sometimes. I feel it can take time sometimes to match exactly what you feel to what you write, don't you think? In my private diary at home I just let everything flow as it comes as it is handwritten. It's a no-holds-barred diary! If anyone found it they would know all my secrets!

Regards,

Pepper

Hi pepper,

Thanks for that.. ive spent the day in the filing cabinet.. well ok not really.. but the thought of hiding away sometimes feels nice. I guess that was part of the function of my gambling.. to hide from the world. Today has been ok work wise though.. inevitably a tough day is followed by a not so tough day. I have a friend who always reminds me to smile. I should smile more i think 🙂

This evening I sponsored a dog..some people from the Dog Trust appeared at my door. I am now sponsoring Benjamin the Collie Cross.. to the tune of £8.73 a month. Apparently I will get regular updates as to how Benjamin is getting on. It feels like I have a pet now lol. Ive never had a pet before.. a long distance pet but a pet nonetheless. I feel a warmth towards my pet Benjamin the Collie Cross a dog I am never likely to ever meet.

Its a thought that when in the grips of gambling people at the door would either be ignored for fear of debt collectors or quickly sent on their way. No money to do my bit for charity when gambling. things have now changed thank goodness for that. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Hi SA, I can really understand what you are saying about the lies, under normal circumstances I do not tell lies, maybe just the odd white one to maybe save someone getting hurt. But when it comes to gambling then I would dream up all sorts as to where I had been, cause the time in arcades goes so quickly and always stayed longer that I thought I would, even getting parking tickets just to add to the losses. One arcade was doggie friendly so could take the dog and say I had been walking!!! I feel so ashamed now when I think about it, and as you say lying to myself too.

Hope you had a better day work wise, kinda have to take the rough with the smooth sometimes,

Well done on your gamble free life and also in aquiring Benjamin, he is lucky to have a sponsor, maybe they will send you a photo, Best Wishes Bandit

Hiya SA

Thanks for the lovely message, hope work is okay, i'm in a really c**P job at the moment and looking for a new one. Surrounded by negative people is the main issue. Lifes too short so can't wait to leave. Keep in touch

Del xx

Hi Del and bandit... thank you for your replies it means alot.. must admit I feel as if am starting to struggle

Am very tired today.. overly tired..that sort of tiredness where you just want to burst into tears... but never quite do. Must admit I came out of work and was walking home and my head felt so frazzled.. that I could have just walked into anywhere for some "escapism" whether that was in a pint glass or machine feeding or both. I didn't I just walked home and now here I am tapping away in my diary.

I find when i am tired i cannot remember why i dont, why i cant , gamble anymore. I am remembering now but as i say i have moments when i cant. In these moments I find myself thinking... its not illegal.. why am i denying myself a little light escapism. But anyway as i say.. I walked home.. nothing happened.. am fine now. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.

Really well done SA for getting home and doing your diary, I really understand, when things go wrong, or you feel stressed somehow going to an arcade is just an escape cause while there you just dont think of anything else, escapism it is big time

So pleased that you kept going and didnt weaken to that little demon in your head, so proud of you for that when it would have been real easy just to say, hey I am not breaking the law I can just do it for a while to destress. But you and I know that it would start us off on that dreaded treadmill that we are fighting to get free of. Keep Strong, Best Wishes Bandit

Hello bandit.. thank you for your thoughtful reply.. and yes I very much don't want to get back on that dreaded treadmill.

I am struggling in myself today, my work issues continue.. I need to get out really..Ive been saying that for a long time now. But to what? I feel depressed. I want to cry but I don't.

Who ever said life was easy?.. I remind myself of that tonight.. taking life a day at a time as always.. perhaps tomorrow i will feel differently. Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble of any kind was on the 25th of May this year.