Hope

Yes good idea Rach... it cannot do any harm just to update my Cv and float it off to a few online job sites.. see if anything comes of it.

I feel surprsiingly chirpy this evening after another difficult day at a work. To add to being chronically short staffed today I was on the morning run to pick up the clients with a member of staff who does not stop talking... she was seriously doing my swede in... on and on and on and on and on. I was ready to flip.. And it was all about her family and what her kids were doing and whether they'd done the washing up or not and what they did for fire works night and bla bla bloody bla.. drone drone. I have to treat her as if she were a client ie adopting strategies to encourage her to shut up!! ie turning the volume on the radio up lol

Nothing she talked about was anything to do with work and on a serious note it soemtimes triggers the clients. How somebody can be soo selfish is beyond me. I did not utter a word after a while hoping that she would get the message but no it made no difference. I guess she felt insecure or thought that i was listening and carried on.

Its like the big part of this job is putting your own stuff to oneside and concentrating on the clients and whats going on for them and how they are feeling. I should have told her straight but i was getting too angry.

Moan over lol

No gambling problems. Thanks for listening to my droning... S.A 🙂

lol....

Your post made me smile there cos I know that scenario too...and you feel knackered after wards like you've had your energy robbed.

I had a boss like that once ...did'nt know the difference between a dialogue and a monologue....

With my pals and me who also work in job like yours that involves a lot of service and listening we have a running banter now....

If any of us starts talking about ourselves.....one of us cuts in a deadpan voice and says....'Enough about you..lets talk about me"..

When we get customers in that do that ..we have a stuffed blue hideous soft toy and when they've gone we whack ten bells out of it on the back of the door...lol

R and D xxx

lol.. thanks Rach.. This friend I had years ago was also a big talker. We'd go out for a beer and i'd be half listening to his monologue and then he'd become aware of his talking and he'd say "thats enough about me, lets talk about me!" and we'd both laugh.. and then do ya know what... he'd carry on talking about him.

Ive always been the quiet one in conversations.. though just occasionally I will become animated.. if i detect that the other is interested in what i have to say but as soon as i detect that the other is just itching to switch the convo back to them I just think.. well whats the point.. and return to quietness. Also I think when you suffer with low-selfesteem as i do you feel as if you don't have anything to say. people mis-interpret my quietness sometimes as if I am actively listening but its like sometimes i might be and sometimes I might just have drifted off into my own world of thoughts.

Ive had a day off today. Its been fine. Running, posting on here, washed up, day dreaming. i decided i was going to spend no money today so ive not ventured near a shop. The christmas present buying season is fast approaching. need to put money aside. I don't want any financial pressures. Its like the other day after i got paid and i shelled out quite alot of money in one hit on various stuff and suddenly I found myself thinking of a couple of jackpots to claw it all back. daft i know but thats what the gambling addict thinks isn't it. No gambling thoughts today.

Phoned a friend yesterday.. we not spoken for a while. he's become even more reclusively than i am. he has not worked for sometime now and like me he has no family round the corner from where he lives and no support. We will meet and play chess and drink tea sometime soon. The Uk is probably full of very isolated and reclusive folk. It doesn't help in recovery from addiction.. any addiction. Onwards to another day... S.A

I like this song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MI3LQJoNt_g

Listen to the whole song and then again and then again. It grows on you. Emotional and inspirational. Thats what music does isn't it.

Hi SA,

I want to punch that woman just reading about it! I imagine myself in a huge bubble, that the other person cannot penetrate to steal my energy. You did the right thing giving the old "shut up" signals, she just sounds pig ignorant or desperate. Nobody probably listens to her at home, so she has to find a new victim. With really bad offenders, I also recommend giving really tactless feedback, or really bad advice. But with a smile on your face and an earnest look, so you look like you mean well. Against the grain for you I can imagine, but might do the trick.

Anyways, pleased to see you are looking after yourself. More of a slightly potty plantain, than a crazy banana these days : )

Cheers for the input. I agree with you about the signs people give, and am always aware of them if they crop up. So I can only conclude that I need to knock about with less self absorbed people! lol. Because I don't get any of those signs, but still end up making all the effort.

Hope your week improves!

f x

hey SA

could'nt open your song link...computer says no...let me know what it is...always love to hear all kinds of music...

forwards not back xx

R and D xx

Hi SA!

Just want to say this part of your last post really got me as i have felt the same as of late "Its like the other day after i got paid and i shelled out quite alot of money in one hit on various stuff and suddenly I found myself thinking of a couple of jackpots to claw it all back. daft i know but thats what the gambling addict thinks isn't it. No gambling thoughts today".

Been there for the last 2 weeks.Just glad i have blocks in place.

ALl my best and have a great weekend!

Viggo.

Hi SA,

That's a gr8 song 🙂

Well done 4 staying strong and not gambling, u r doing brilliant!

Sometimes gambling tries 2 convince us that it will make everything ok again. But we know the truth deep down!

U should be proud of urself!

Have a gr8 wknd 🙂

Thankyou everyone 🙂

Am looking forward to a long run today, as i am most sundays. Now that its getting cold I run later in the day.

Its hard to stay fit in the winter. It takes real resolve to get out running in the cold, what with all the hassle of additional layers etc. I will prob go gym more but even thats a hassle when its a bus ride or 30 min walk away. But maintain a level of fitness I will. As long as i can do 5km in under 25 mins and 13 miles in under 2 hours (ie the long sunday run) then i know that ive not lost any significant fitness.

Ive not drunk anything since that binge the other week. My blood pressure has setlled down again. My mate at work has been out drinking regular as he always does. Ive declined the oppurtunity to join him. I know for me it will end in disaster. I like the idea of a social life based around the pub but I just can't do it... it leads to gambling... it always has. My mate is a heavy gambler. I need to keep him at arms length really.

No thoughts of gambling since my last post. I still feel like a beginner in this recovery lark though... even though ive been working at it for many moons. At what point do you pass from "early recovery" (as i read so often) into something else?? Managing my low self-esteem has always been my achillies heel.. but today i feel fine. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Heya SA,

Well, for me just read your opening entry again.. Man that must have been tough to write, just think how far you are now. There is a balance we have to maintain, too much of one can lead to the other as I have just recently found out. I went off the wall, then yes I slipped then fell off the face of the world for another month or so. The main thing is picking yourself up getting those running shoes on and going for it.

Good job with that, I know this may sound crazy. But maybe that trip to the pub might actually pass you from that stage of early recovery. But as you say it is a risk. If you feel strong It might be an option. If not just keep as you are you are doing great.

Have a good run, (I'm sweating just typing that!) lol... And have a great day.

Pete

Hey SA

Good on ya for declining the seduction of drink with your pal..did you one say you were in a running club?...maybe folks who have other interests can ceate another string to your social bow?

Yeah...early recovery and when does it become something else..its an odd one...

In 12 step I guess this is why they say "day at a time"..with alcohol if a person is sober for say...10 years then has a slip..they go right back to where they left off in drinking.

I guess that brings me to own fears on giving up any vice on willpower alone and i mean my own here...which is unless the emotional drivers underneath are addressed ,brought to the light and moved through then i guess it can be like groundhog day.

Keep on keeping on SA

R and D ....going to choose a new youtube track ..lol

xx

Thanks Pete and Rach 🙂

Well I had my first alcoholic drink last night since my binge the other week. A couple of cans with my neighbour, perfectly safe and perfectly pleasant.

Day off today, ive got things to do. I just need to make sure I do them. And ive actually found a job that I stand a fair chance of actually getting an interview for.. a driver support worker (what i do now) except for the council ie better money and better conditions. Found myself getting butterflies in the stomach just in starting to fill out the application form. Just the thought of change scares me ie the getting use to new collegues, new clients, new vehicles to drive, new routes. But ive decided I will finish this application even if it bloody kills me.

Sometimes silly things like the thought of ringing someone up to check whether they'd give me a reference or not is enough to stop me in my tracks and convince myself that well perhaps my current job really isn't that bad and then i fall all to quickly back into my usual work routine with all its frustrations. I deserve better.

No gambling problems but as Rach suggests the emotional drivers still lurk waiting to pounce at any moment... but I keep on keeping on.. the alternative is only further personal msiery. Thansk for listening.. S.A 🙂

P.s Addiction and Underlying emotional drivers... thats it in a nutshell

Hey SA...

Your evening sounds very relaxing and your neighbour good company...

Great news on the job search too....someone once said to me a good thing about looking for another job...the fact you are in one already you have nothing to loose as you know but maybe look and apply for jobs almost like a bit of a hobby?

See what comes back..?

A pal of mine used to apply for jobs way out of his comfort zone but stuff he knew he could turn his hand to and used to enjoy going for interviews ...not necessarily with the sole intent to get the job but more to build up his interview confidence...

He went in with the attitude that it was good practice and a bit of a day out meeting new folk and seeing places he wouldnt normally see and always asked for feedback .

He was offered many positions and ended up in something he least expected and has been on a new path ever since ..

Guess what im saying is like my pal there SA..you havee nothing to loose and everything to gain....win/win my friend.

YOU DO DESERVE BETTER : )

R and D xx

Yes rach for sure..Nothing to loose and everything to gain.

Just been chatting to a mate of mine who has been off the radar for sometime now. We went through rehab together. Its swings and roundabouts with the pair of us. At the moment its him who's in the proverbial s**t, cos of the big G. He's come close to loosing his flat cos he got so far into arrears. Its only because he's worked all the hours going that he's managed to pay back his arrears and halt eviction proceedings

On a selfish note, his current tales of woe is excellent medicine for me. I hope he continues to get back on track. No gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi S.A good luck with the job application and hope u have a gud weekend.

Sorry 2 hear about ur mate hope he gets himself sorted.

Take care

Hey SA

"there by the grace of god go I" ...so they say...and your pals dialemma can act as a reminder to not go back there but also you can be an inspiration to him as he sees how far you have grown and may want some peace of mind..

R and D xx