Hope

Thanks both and morning all.

Mouth ulcers knorring away at my soul. Feeling irritable and tired... the little bleeders wake me up in the night. Doing my best to eat well and generally look after myself but it seems to be the way this time of year. I think its partly a genetic thing cos my sisters get them as well.

And talking of genetics get this. It was one of my sisters birthdays and both me and my other sister managed to buy exactly the same card independantly of each other... great minds think alike eh?? 🙂

I need to dig deep this time of year. Ive been having strange dreams the last few nights. Trees falling on me in one dream and work collegues wanting to talk to me in another but everywhere we go to sit other people come to sit and listen. I think words of the moment are stress and paranoia. I don't think am very well in the head just now but its hard for me to be objective about self.

No thoughts of gambling though but i am vulnerable if history is anything to go bye... which it is! Need to go easy on myself. Take each day as it comes and just BE. I am working recovery.Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hey SA

thank you for your post...

Coincidence on the birthday card or what...must have

been in sync that day with your sisters thinks......

Stress is always around for the reasons you said in your post before....about us not be able to bear being controlled... but hey..at least we are aware of it and that makes all the difference.

Again if you can see the signs and feeling not so good you know from history have to manage those feelings and navigate through them...

Keep strong SA and the main thing is no thoughts of gambling ..thats the main thing.

R and D xx

Alas Dotty I navigated my way through my feelings with alcohol and then found gambling (again!). I am weak. I crumbled all too easilly. Feel as if i have not learnt anything over the last decade. I guess the reality is that some of us Cg's just don't make.... destined to run on the Cg treadmill for a life time.

HOWEVER after having read just a couple of posts from the likes of wp and Freda and seen how they can cope with adversity and not gamble then I CAN do the same. I went for nearly 3 years a few years ago so i can god d**n well go for the rest of my life one day at a time!!!!

For f*** sake. I will get a grip!!

Please go easy on me folks... its only been a few hours since i stopped. I can do the beating myself up quite effectively myself.

Onwards... S.A

Am just seething with anger at myself.

Ive just had a lovely chat with my dad, talking about life and things that actually matter. His wife is recovering from chemotherapy but has had a setback and my sister has become physically disabled, unable to walk properly and maybe that way for life and yet just a few hours ago i was mindlessly feeding £20 notes into machines... for what reason for what purpose???.. an exercise in self-wounding but why??... my life aint that bad. I have my physical health. I havea roof over my head. I have food in the cupboards. I have a job. Is it that i just get a bit lonely sometimes so i gamble. I am selfish P***k for f*** sake.

Told you i was good at beating myself up.

Definition of insanity...

DOING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS

Alternatively insanity is

mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior.

Go easy on you SA.....jump back on the path..try and put it behind you ..

You CAN do it and you deserve it SA..!!

I'ts sounds like you were run down,defences low with mouth ulcers...

good wholesome food ,keep warm and rest up my friend

R and D xx

Thanks for your support rach.. appreciated.

On a positive ive got it out in the open very quickly and I can draw a line under it just as quickly. Am back on the financial edge but my rent is ahead so thats the most important.

I will recover in mind body and soul. I will. Thanks for listening... S.A

This really is one of those days. Head in hands wondering why did i do it again??

Strange thing is, someone has just dropped a leaflet through the door for the local Baptist church. Am almost tempted to go along to the evening sevice, find my salvation if you will.

I always think that now is the time after a gambling binge, like ive finally suffered enough and my higher power will guide me towards the light... it hasn't worked out that way so far. Maybe that leaflet is the hand of god reaching out. Now is my time right?? do whatever it takes to stop repeating my mistakes of the past.

More than half a day since i last gambled.. its a start. So tired, need to sleep.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmax47l2hLU

Hey Dude,

Don't know what to say...not judging, just here, with my hand on your shoulder, knowing a little of how it feels.

Hope this doesn't sound patronising, as I am just as much a cg as you....but I do sense that I caught it early, no long-term pattern had developed, and therefore it is a little easier for me to abstain. You show so many signs of emotional intelligence, strong recovery strategies, and capability, that I don't feel it's fair to say to yourself Freda can do why can't I? I have it much easier in many ways. I agree with wp though, the man is made of titanium, and I admire his strength enormously.

You are right that you can do it. Please don't underestimate how much effort you put in to your recovery.

You know the drill, you need to make changes, but not yet. Back onto that even keel first mate.

Take care,

f x

Hi

You have been in my thoughts all day

Trying hard to find the right words to say what I want to say

We are addicts and because of that we relapse

It's frustrating I having walked in your shoes can guess how you feel today

I am not devaluing that but what I will say is you took a knock and came straight back fighting many would of used it as reason to continue

Be kind to you Hun , forgive yourself , because I think rightly or wrongly we move on faster without being eaten up by guilt or feelings of having failed

You have no reason to feel either of these things

I have always held you in the highest esteem and that has not changed . What you cope with day in day out I

do not think that I could have stayed clean for the extended periods you have.

Please take care tomorrows another day a day when all we can do is fight this dam addiction sometimes we loose the fight but the fight will not be knocked out of us

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Hi SA,

I just wanted 2 offer u some support, I'm sure u r feeling awful rite now... I felt the same a cpl of wks back. I know it is tough but I hope u can be kind 2 urself... U had a slip but u r back here u have not given up and that takes a lot of strength!

Stay strong xx

hey SA (that rhymes!)

hope your going easy on that cyberpal o' mine and not giving him a hard time today?

onwards

R and D xx

Thanks all. I really do appreciate your support. I feel like am starting out on this journey for the first time... its rediculous isn't it but maybe thats the way to treat it.

Am feeling very low.. I would be wouldnt i? So hard just to swing the legs out of bed and face the day. At some point I need to face the bank balance but not just yet.

I have a day off today as am working the weekend but for some reason I need to go to a staff meeting. On this occasion I don't mind cos it will get me out and force me to paint a cheery picture to the world.

Its one of the hardest things about the consequnces of addiction. Its the mismatch between how ya really feel and the need or the necessity to maintain a public face which is acceptable when all you really want to do is hide away and desparately try to figure things out.

One of the most baffling things that I find is that i know what it feels like when the mismatch between the public and the private face is much less pronouced ie during a period of abstinence. I start to feel better I start to feel more normal and yet here I am again not quite at rock bottom but certainly suffering again because of what i chose to do. Am tempted to start a new diary.. but no... this is it... this is my last few years, a constant reminder of how its been.

Ive been through periods of stability and gambling free time lasting months (sometimes many months) interrupted by periodic drinking and gambling binges. I put drinking first cos the drinking usaully leads to gambling and not the other way round. Mostly ive been drunk then gambled but sometimes ive drunk and then gambled the day after or a few days later when ive felt hungover and low. On occasions ive binge gambled when sober and the reality here is that these events have usually been around family visits either before i get on the train or on the way back. Also on balance am more likely to have a gambling event in winter than summer and when under exceptional stress over time at work and/or very run down.

So to conclude. The facts. Am most at risk of gambling when either drunk or following being drunk, at times of family visits and when under too much stress at work or when am very run down... or a combination of all of the above. Its not rocket science is it but i think its worth stating all this... for my own reflection

Time to get out and go for a run. onwards and forwards... S.A

Hi SA

So sorry to hear of your slip, but that is all it is. You show tremendous strength after a slip and this enables you to fight the disease that is, gambling addiction. I know exactly how raw you are feeling at the minute as I am in the same situation, leaving ourselves open to critism and the like from others, beating ourselves to a mental pulp to try to feel better and generally feeling like the lowest, most worthless piece of flesh that has walked this earth. I took a walk around town last night and caught a reflection of myself in a shop window, what a mess I have become, a lonely recluse who just walks into a shop and hands over my hard earned cash. It is a sad life, SA, but like you said, you have a roof over your head, food to eat, a job and are ahead on your rent. It was raining last night and I passed numerous hands clasped around paper cups, most genuinely (i'd like to think) hoping for the price of a cup of tea. There is still a rock bottom out there for each of us on this site and I really hope none of us reaches it (or reaches it again!),

Take Care SA, thinking of you at this time

Blues