Hope

Hiya me old matey,

Thinking about ya... glad to see all is okay 🙂

Love Del xo

Hi S.A

Glad to know you are doing well, interesting to see you mention service stations. I have had problems with them in the past. The combination of the repetition of driving and the unhealthy food options of these places can increase urges. I try and avoid them at all costs and make sure I plan ahead far as doing up my own sandwich or finding out a nice pub.

http://www.offmotorway.com/ is pretty good for finding alternatives, all be it pubs. Failing that even a five minute diversion of the motorway can bring up somewhere interesting to stop to sit and have a pack up sandwich.

Day 41

Good to see ya back Del and good point Rob. I don't have my own car but borrowed one for exmas... so motorway services are a rare phenomemon for me.

I guess its like you say, in that after a couple of hours of tedium in the middle lane they are a "welcome break" but also a total rip off. The one i stopped at had a slot machine room strategically placed next to costa coffee and burger king. In it was perhaps 8 machines but most of which had substantial jackpots. Instant gratification for the weary driving and to fleece them of their petrol money of course!

I had my large moccha with extra shot for £4.19!.. still a rip off but alot less than hundreds into a machine.

I am weary from work today but also satisfied with doing my bit. Am still feeling paranoid about work issues but my conscience is clear as i have done nothing wrong.

My review of the year fast approaches. Will do it when am less tired and when the year nealry endeth.. cos its still more than 48 hours away and anything could happen between now and then.

No gambling problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Thank u 4 ur supportive post on my diary. It means a lot 🙂

Wot u say makes a lot of sense .... I am really tough on myself but I guess we all r!

I hope work gets better 4 u soon, from wot I have read on ur diary u seem 2 be totally dedicated 2 ur job and it sounds like u do a gr8 job... It is a shame that sometimes things make it tough 4 u!

U r a strong guy and I know u will stay strong 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xx

Day 42

Morning Charlotte and the rest of the world... 🙂

You know what Charlotte, some people are not hard on themselves. Some poeple spend their time blaming others, blaming anything but themselves. The ideal I think is personal responsibility. Acknowledging and regreting mistakes but then finding the courage to try and change. I do not find change easy... but then nothing worth having in life is easy.

It crosses my mind (now that i know that am not working on Monday) that i have gone for the whole of 2012 without any sickness at all and given my chequered work history I am feeling quite proud of myself. I know that some people go for many years without any sick days but for me and given what i do for a living its still something of an acheivment i feel.. so well done to me!!

Am sitting here drinking green tea. Its supposed to have good health benefits, including burning fat off!! My sister tells me it straight in that although I am fairly physically fit I am not going to reach my potential with the running if I continue to carry excess fat... especially around the middle. So true, so true!

The frustrating part for me is that its only a few adjustments that I need to make to my diet and i will lose the fat quickly. But like the not gambling making the necessary changes is not easy. The comfort eating late evening, the unnecessary king size mars bar, the eating enough pasta for a family of 4, always having sugar in hot drinks. I guess this is one of my new years resolutions... just to tinker with my diet a little. Lose a bit of belly fat.

No gambling problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Yo,

As always a welcome sight to see a post from you on my thread . I thank you for your posts on your own diary and on mine , You have taught me and given me a lot this year .even though you probs do not realise .

Sometimes my heart goes out to you , and I get cross and frustrated at the way you are treated , because you deserve so much more , and more than once thought I wish you worked for me . Because you would be treated with the respect you deserve .

But the with that said life goes on and good old Dusty can not wave her magic wand and make life be for you what it should be , which is a bit sad

The biggest and most valued thing you have shown me this year , is your incredible tenacity which is developing skills to withstand what life can throw at you .

Every day I aspire to have that same tenacity , but I am getting there thanks to you !

So as Duncs would say , today I doff my cap to you . Top man !

Shiny xxxxxx

Cheers SA and totally agree being fat and drunk should be in the rule book. Then you could a weigh in the day before like boxers lol

Day 43

Bless you Shiny.. thankyou! :-)... and you David!! 🙂

In refective mood, review of the year and all that. I been expecting a call from work, cos i know for a fact they will be short staffed.. but it hasn't come so thats good. I would have said no anyway, I think. Anyway since ive mentioned work I guess I will reflect on that first.

I feel quite chuffed that ive survived 2 years this month, albeit with 6 weeks off when i had my bad back. "Survived" does feel like the correct term though. Its been more stressful than it should have been, in large part due to the narcissism and rudeness of the manager, though its also been the challenging nature of the clients and other stuff.

Its not all been bad though... ive developed into a competent driver and at times its been fun. Ive also liked the regular day time hours. I don't enjoy constantly changing shift work. And whilst the pay is rubbish when i don't gamble I managed just fine cos i don't have anybody to support and I don't run a car. I can still afford my cable and gym membership.

It is still time to move on but to what i don't know. I have interview coming up with the council for the same sort of job ie support worker/driver which is good BUT the hours are less (although the hourly rate will be more).. so i'd actually be getting less than i do now.

The bigger point though is that its still adults with learning disabilities and to be honest am so tired of it all. Most of my working life has been spent being around and supporting people that to be frank the average person in the street would cross the road to avoid. Ive been good and conscientious and built good rapport with all whom ive worked with... but but but.. at what cost to me personally??? Maybe its the case of better the devil you know until I find something different... the internal debate continues.

GAMBLING

This year ive had 3 gambling binges/slips/relapses..call them what you will. All have taken place after alcohol between the hours of 10 pm and 6 am. They have all followed a pre-dictable pattern which is perhaps worth exploring a bit further...

They have all started on a Saturday afternoon, when ive been feeling bored and fed up and wanting to go out in the evening but have had nowhere to go and nobody to go with. Thats the bottom line i think. Bored, frustrated and then thought f*** it i'm going out. And then i do go out with no partcular desitination in mind other than into the city. I go to the city I go to a pub I feel self-concious so i drink a couple of strong lagers quickly and then i don't feel self-concious anymore.

I have a walk around. I am not especially feeling like gambling at this point. Am feeling fairly merry and cheerful. i find myself a bit of live music and I go it, another beer, listening to the music.. little chats with random folks and plenty of people watching. Its ok to be fair, it feels better than sitting home watching Tv and when your on your own you can be completely selfish. So another beer, number 4, its mid evening and am starting to think what next?? Bus home or nightclub??.... and thats when the urge starts, the internal debate.. stay out all night and see what happens or go home??

... anyway so what has happened 3 times this year, is that ive thought.. "f*** it.. just £20".. I will get lucky and then i will go to the club have a jolly time and be able to afford a black cab home when i feel like it.. with all this money ive just won. Before i know it am then desparate to gamble.. the rapid heart rate, the tunnel vision.. nothing will stop me gambling. Pick up the phone and ask for help... not on your ****** nelly!!

We all know the rest of the story. As soon as the first note goes in the slot I am doomed and I know it. I am full of self-hatred and i just want to get rid of the money.. and i do and then the walk of shame... ya de da..

Its got to stop once and for all. Ive got to be able to cope with the "saturday afternoon I am bored what shall i do feelings".. not just most saturdays BUT all Saturdays.

These periodic binges keep me in my pattern in my cycle of problem gambling. I so nearly haven't gambled for many years and yet i have and its frustrating and pretty soul destroying if truth be known. More later...

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Day 43 continues...

Ive just paid a big lump of rent, got myself well ahead. Just finished paying my council tax up to end of march, water already paid up to end of march and electric up to date. It feels good!!

Am now on a tight reign until next pay day but thats ok. No going out on impulse tonight and spending a bunch of money i don't have. Long run on new years day morning. I will feel fresh and alive. More later. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Thank you so much for the post on my diary...I feel honoured.

I totally GET you about work. People that don't do "our type" really have no idea what we go through.

It sounds like your manager shouldn't be doing that job....makes my blood boil over.

I think you and I do slightly different types of care......my service users have learning and physical disabilities (cerebral palsy) It is really tough with the learning disabilities as sometimes there is no reasoning...I really feel for you.

I know when I get home sometimes am so tired from mental and physical work.

I have just been made to be keyworker for the most "difficult" client we have......jesus...can't even go to the bathroom without him!

Just remember SA...How bloody hard you work for the pittiful wage we get....why on earth would we want to give it to the greedy gambling bosses.

I look forward to sharing your journey.

Happy new year.

Sue x

Day 43 still continues...

Thanks for dropping in Womble. I also feel honoured 🙂

I have also done what you do. I'd imagine you do alot more personal care, hoists, wheel chairs etc i'd imagine.. ie the back breaking stuff. The clients i work with are very mobile, run around alot, lots of high pitch noise and some of them will hit you/anyone when angry/agitated/over stimulated etc. Like you say, the emotional fallout is difficult to cope with.. but (note to self again!) the gambling sure aint a useful coping method.

Have just had a juicy steak for tea. It was loverly. My New Years eve treat I guess. Am almost ready to go to bed now. Sad but true. I was reading in the paper about some survey which said that a sunstantial minority of people completly ignore New years eve and are more than likely to be in bed and asleep by 10.38. How they came up with 10.38 I don't know.. but this year I am likely to be one of them. In fact am sure of that unless I happen to stumble across something good on the telly. This evening I am alone (as i am most evenings) but i do not feel lonely. Sometimes i do but not tonight.

I have no desire to go out drinking just for the sake of it and in the random hope that i get a snog off of someone half my age lol In fact that is the only slight compulsion to go out in that New years eve is slightly different isn't it. People snog each other at midnight.

It does get me thinking though, its like although i feel fine this evening, I can't go on like this forever. I don't want to be talking the wall or writng on here as an outlet forever. I need/want to make some sort of break through socially at some point. Its down to me though isn';t it, like everything.. nothing changes if nothing changes. As it stands I feel as if am sure to make progress with...

1. Running/ fitness/... personal bests will be broken in 2013

2. NOT gambling.. I make no statement about not gambling in 2013.. but i also think that i will continue to make progress in being comepletly gamble free. Why?.. because i don't want to gamble anymore.. fullstop.

3. Losing weight and healthy eating. I feel like i will make progress here.

BUT as for everything else. I dunno. Work/socialising/love life... all a big unknown.. just a bunch of ????????'s Time to pause. I might be back later, but if not.. Happy new year everyone!!! ... S.A 🙂

Day 44... happy new year to all 🙂

As for me, well am just happy to have got through Christmas and New Year safely. No gambling and no drunkenness that might have led to gambling.

Long run time!... thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Had a great run. I bought a tub of this carbohydrate/electrolyte mix.. what a difference it makes. I shall get another tub whilst its still in the sale. Am gonna smash that 4 hour marathon time ya know.. its gonna happen! 🙂

Day 45

Had to drag myself to work today by the scruff of my neck. Yesterday afternoon/evening i'd worked myself up into such a state of despair at the prospect of going back to work that i thought i'd do a sickie, but i didn't and once actually at work I was fine. As it sometimes goes it was a good day today. No major stress, no major problems.

Am reminding myself that sometimes things are not as bad as they seem. I have this habit of catastrophising in my head and when I do this my negative and slightly paranoid thoughts take on a life of their own.

One of the down sides to living on your own is that there is nobody there in the immediacy of the moment to talk sense into me or to help change my mood. Unfortunately I am not the type to pick up the phone when in these sorts of moods ie a similar mind set when i have urges to gamble. Thats why i write... but easier to write after my negative outlook has changed than during.

Anyway I went to work, it was fine. No sick days for a very long time now and not a penny gambled for the last 45 days. I do not find life easy or very enjoyable to be honest but I get on with it and as long as am not totally stress cos ive gambled all my money away then thats ok. Things can only get better. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

I find it very commendible that you go to work when it really pi**es you off....you sound like me...it's the service users that matter eh even though it kills at times!

My keyworker actually made me cry today...I got real emotional..he kept on and on and on and on...I know you get me...then he scratched me, then hit me! Didn't mean any of it and was so sorry. Its just the emotional overload that is so hard to deal with at times. He did calm down and said sorry.

It sounds like you need that other job you have gone after, I often think about leaving but when the push comes I cant do it...am blo**y softie. But sounds like they really take the monkey of you.It's you that matters now...think of yourself for once.

Bye the way am very impressed with your running...can see a competition

SA...Flagg...carl....bring it on!

Womble x