Hope

Hey SA ...

Great to see you on page one ...

Just reading your post there and identifying with it although perhaps no exactly the same but similar..I also feel I can't enjoy life as I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop..as Joan says ....if everything's going Ok I live in gear of something coming along that I can't handle and that I will loose everything,

For me my binges of uncertainty and spiral into negativity come from a fear of something "out there" beyond my control aka other f*****g people or systems affecting my stability ...not from a demon within so to speak ..

I guess with gambling it may be chicken and egg? ....Is it the demon within us that can rear its head....or is it like me ...the fear of inability to cope with life as it is today that leaves a gap open for the demon to slide in and provide an escape ?

So what I'm trying to say (badly) is ..are the gambling binges the symptom not the cause?

Rach n dotski xx

You bloody well do deserve a better quality of life.

And it's on its way!!!!

xxx

Day 112.. thanks both 🙂

Rach my gambling binges are the symptom not the cause... the tip of the pro-verbial iceberg so to speak. I think that many factors feed into my gambling episodes but repressed emotions are usually pretty high up the list but they are far from the only factors.

Lately its been fairly easy for me not to gamble, basically cos am not particularly stressed about anything and am coping well enough. Its still a day by day thing though. Things could potentially change at any moment.

Had a mate over yesterday. he's pretty stressed out not that he really admits it. He's facing a reduced income cos of the government benefits changes but instead of focusing on that he showed me page after page of angry ramblings relating to his family.

It got me thinking how i use to have a great well of repressed anger mostly directed towards my mum but that has now completely gone. I have next to no anger or repressed emotion related to my family anymore. That was where the seeds of my addiction were sown, with events from decades ago. I think that many people who are addicted to "whatever" have issues that they never dealt with when they were growing up. People become stuck in the past, thats what i think anyway. Thats what happened to me and then i discovered slot machines the most perfect way to switch off from stress of whatever kind.

I have never had a eurika moment when things suddenly made sense but its just been a gradual process of realisation or awakening that i can either live in the past and dwell on it or i can live in the here and now and move forward to a better way of thinking and being. I feel like an adult at long last and i am responsible for myself. I don't want to do anything self-destructive anymore.

My friend is in his fifties and if i were to put my counselling hat on i'd say he's well and trully stuck in his dysfunctional family dynamic and its no wonder that he continues to gamble. But then its easy to see the issues in other people isn't it. Always much harder to step outside yourself and see whats really going on.

Ive had a great run this morning... 3 hours, 20 miles and in the snow. Loved it!!!

Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

The sun came up again this morning and once again I am yet to see it. Later it will go down again, thats a certainty.

Fantastic post SA ....could not agree more...

I totally agree with the childhood issues not dealt with and that being connected to escapism in adult life,

For me it is the initial rejection of adoption ..I know that and the pandoras box was opened as a result of finding my birth mother bt my anger is still there as i don't need any more mothers!!!

I need a dad to protect me which is why my initial anger gets re triggered over and over in relationships as I'm constantly placed in the position of taking on the role of a man.,the reliable one,the one who has to draw the line ,provide backbone and had the balls to fight the battles and be responsible.

My anger is my father energy ...it protects me in his absence as he's never been there .I look round in despair shouting " where are the men to protect me?"

I'm glad to got your issues with your mum are resolved and put to rest and maybe the ex boss was triggering your mother issues in you over and over.?

Im not sure if my birth father is alive and I may still seek him out...only problem is it would really upset my birth mother ( we dont get on cos i don't need any more mums) ..as if I got on with him better than her it would re trigger her baby loss over and over ...

Thankfully there is not just me that thinks along these lines ...and like you saw sometimes its blatantly obvious to see in other people ...I think we all spend our adult lives somehow replaceing a lack of some sort.

It's like the guys who also lack a father figure who go into the army to get that discipline and self control and repsonsibility.....or the guys who join gangs and look at the ring leader as the father figure.

I guess there are many scenarios for both people with unresolved mother or father issues ...and I wholeheartedly think you are absolutely right in what you say....well done for taking that road less travelled SA....

Keep posting ..

R and D xx

Day 113... thanks Rach, I appreciate the feedback. By the way the ex-boss didn't trigger anything in connection with my issues. The ex-boss just had a narcissistic personality and was pretty much disliked by all cos she didn't care about anybody but herself.

Ive been tired and moody today. People who don't do their job properly just get on my nerves. I'd kick the proverbial cat right now if i had one but i haven't so i won't.

To be honest i think am just knackered from yesterdays 20 mile run. Ive had zig zaggy lines in my vision today which ive worked out is a sugar thing. I had a sugary tea and my vision got better. Am not designed for marathon running really you need to be skinny for marathon running (and am not skinny) but am determined to get a decent time (ie well under 4 hours) in the next couple of years or so before i hang up the marathon trainers.

No gambling problems, its not great when my work collegue tells me about all his wins on the horses, football and the Fobt. I let it float over though.

Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

The sun came up today and ive seen it. First time in a few days. Its going down as we speak. Am sure of that.

Thanks for writing to me, love to hear from you and have been reading your diary with interest.

You mentioned in my diary about the ADHD guy and the barge, in fact one of my neighbours works from her barge and summerhouse with young people with ADHD and similar problems and even worked for a while with one of the young people I was responsible for which was a coincidence. There is also a barge near here set up as an art studio for people with mental health issues which does amazing work so quess it is a good location being quite tranquil and lots of nature around.

I have a garden so no public access but the opposite bank is a road and path and of course there is always the river traffic, amazing how friendly they all are waving.

Also wanted to mention that both my cousin, a friend and a work colleague have spent really good holidays abroad and in this coutry accompanying either young people or adults on holidays abroad which they actually get paid for doing. The colleague went on a weeks cycling holiday with a sixteen year old in Holland. Know you must have clearance for your job so might be worth looking into as you are so active. My friend goes abroad accompanying blind people but that is more restricting in what you are able to do but even so might be worth looking at. Just a thought as you deserve a holiday and they all had a great time. Glad you got the nvq stuff sorted as well.

Hope you feel better today and sending a virtual cat (don't tell Rach) for you to kick.

xxx

No cat kicking on my watch re or I will be fois gras -ing that swan! ..

Hey SA...great to see you still chewing the fat so to speak and writing your thoughts on your diary..always food for thought ....

Think all my Dad issues are triggered by every man I meet ...lol so your way ahead of me there Hun...xxx

cryptic one for ya....sun goes up ....but is it a hologram? ..hmmmmmmm..... : ) ...no I've not been sniffing the cork. Xx

Day 114... thanks both 🙂

Well another day of living an ordinary life cometh to an end. Work was a bit stressy but had a nice gym/swim/sauna this evening. No gambling problems and thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

116 days with not a penny gambled.

Its felt like a very long day. Up with the larks freezing my b**t off on the walk to work. Lots of driving and managing behaviours today but had some fun as well. Its not very often that i say that about work. Then this evening I went out for an hours run and arrived home 2 hours and 37 minutes later... 17 miles plus i reckon.. chuffed to bits i am.

Onwards a day at a time... and thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

The sun came up again today. I saw it cos it blinded me when driving. It went down again later in the day pre-dictable as always.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLW1V0J-c_o&sns=em

Enjoy x

Day 118... funny clip Rach 🙂

Got to go to work 🙁 .... don't want to go. Then going to play snooker with friend and I don't want to do that either. Am misery guts today. Fed up of cold and wet. Such is life i spose.

No gambling problems. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Day may pick up as it goes along SA otherwise text your pal and cancel ...

Snooker cue comes out of the bag....snooker cue goes back in the bag...

: )

R and D xx

Day 119

Yeah the day picked up as it went along, though client at work set the fire alarms off and we counldn't turn them off without calling out the alarm people. Am deaf as a post now.

Interesting evening at my mates. Neither of us wanted to do the snooker thing so we just ate and chatted and played chess.

During the evening my mate decided to divulge his gambling habits. He to is also a gambling addict and he's been through the same rehab as me but unfortunetely he's very much back on the gambling treadmill.

He's a horses and dogs man. He doesn't work and when he gets his incapacity benefit, he only pays what he absolutely has to pay and then he's in the bookies. Dogs in the morning, horses in the afternoon, wins a bit does his food shopping then usually loses the lot if not that day then the following day.

Although ive never been into horse and dogs to be honest his cycle is not that far removed from my cycle when i was doing my money on machines. Its like with the dogs, he actually bets on the traps and which trap (with various different dogs in of course) will accumalate the most points over a serious of races and hence win his bet. Its just luck really, just like the slots. How do you know which dog is in form and which not? Its a sad life just standing their watching dogs run round a track on a screen hoping it wins so you can buy food or pay a bill. Anyway am glad to be off that merry go round.

Another 3 hour run this morning. Am feeling fit as a fiddle. I feel a amrathon pb coming on in May. Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

Reminds me of when I worked in children's home. They used to go in every room and spray the smoke alarms with talc to set them all off at once. Funny the things you miss.

Very sad listening to tales from the other side and must have reinforced your commitment to carry on running down the straight and narrow as you are doing so brilliantly.

xxx

Yep ,..-and it's also a sad life for the poor dogs who stop winning and are turfed out on the streets ...some with ears cut off so their tattoo owner stamps can't be traced ...happens a lot with Irish greyhounds..

My pal got a rescue greyhound..they are super dogs ..

All that aside ...glad to hear you are in the right side of the tracks so to speak ...mr Kasparov...is he a chess

Player now ? Or did I just make that up? ..

Keep posting

R and d xx