Hope

Lol

I did have a chuckle there SA as our memoirs could end up in the best sellers list at Waterstones ..lol ..it's like the cyber version of the big bro house ...

There is a lot worse things we can be doing for sure ...and I think we are similar as we write as a daily commune with ourselves...some folks may do meditation or yoga or pray but we write on here ...so it's all good.

keep doing what you are doing as its obviously working

All this writing works for me anyway and stops me going on the rampage in 3 d ..lol xx

Day 217

Thanks both. Rubbish day yesterday. Felt rubbish and wanted to gamble but I didn't. Went out with no destination in mind and ended up in pub. Also bought stuff that I didn't need. That was the gamble I spose. I have little self-worth. Am tired of how my life is. As always, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Today am feeling a bit better, enjoyed my long sunday run... 2 hours 11 mins in the cool breeze... lifts my spirits. This week management on holiday so it prob means a hard week ahead. A case of while the cats away the mice will play. In my case though it means I become a complete stress head. Anyhow guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

No gambling. Thanks for listening... S.A

SA

fella it strikes me that you run all that sh#t out of your system on a Sunday.

its like bin day in your mind aswell as your body.

through running you have learnt control, you no longer over do it, you gift yourself a workout not a burnout !!

this is the second time i have written this, this morning

there are things happen out of our control, we are best to accept them for that, giving us the energy to focus on the most important thing US.

don't be to hard on yourself.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 217 continues...

Thanks Duncs for your wisdom and to be fair to myself I didn't actually DO anything very self-destructive, other than feel sorry for myself. I had just one beer in the pub and then wandered into River Island and bought a pair of shorts of all things for £35. Normally i'd spend no more than a tenna on a pair of shorts but I liked them so I bought them. Better to spend £35 on clothing than put £300 plus into a slot machine!!

So their we go, yesterdays miserable, self-pitying day is over and is now history. My gamble free stretch is still intact and I intend to keep it that way. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 217 comes to an end.

Had a mate over, ate roast beef, played chess and watched Morse and inspector frost. Am feeling on a level now. A bit of company helps. As always my biggest challenge is to stop being so self-contained.

Getting bored and lonesome leads to gambling urges. Its not rocket science is it??.. its just that most of the time I don't want to admit it. Anyway like I say at this moment in time I feel fine. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

My 218th day with not a penny gambled in that time.

Difficult day at work. Visual migraine this morning together with all the weird spaced out feelings that go with it and then whacked round the head by a client when driving them home this afternoon. Nearly crashed but didn't. What joy lol

Stress (either from overly intense exercise or more often job stress) ='s visual migraine and other symptoms. My body continues to warn me that its not coping. I need to do something about this but I seem not to be. I guess my stress also leads to my depressive negative moods.

I seem to cling to my gambling free time as a crumb of comfort in what other wise feels like the unrelenting hopelessness of my life situation. I feel utterly powerless to change anything and feel as if I must continue with what I do until I drop. believe it or not am actually smiling as I write this as if am some sort of bloody martyre to the cause. What the cause is I have no idea??

Answer me this. Why do some people (seemingly) find it so easy to change what they don't like about aspects of their lives and yet the likes of me continue with what life delivers to my door despite all the negative consequences to my health and well being??

I am not in control of my life and it frustrates me. I cope until the day I can't cope anymore. I go round in circles. I react but only when I am desparate enough. I don't like being this way.. like a frightened rabbit down a hole. Nobody knows that the rabbit is even there until somebody shines a light on him and the rabbit is startled.

Am not in great place at the moment and that's just the way it is. There is something cathartic about splurging stuff on here. Anyway no gambling thoughts. On it goes, life that's is. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

The sun is up. It will go down in a few hours. That's a dead cert.

hey SA ...not sure if your "answer me this "was a rhetorical question or literal ..but i guess it's down to different personalities ..

A vignette from my own life....lol

My best pal only gets motivated when his back is absolutely up against the wall and in a corner , it's as if he needs this "no way out"as rocket fuel...

I'm the opposite ....in fact I often prematurely pre empt change and build in worst case scenario contingencies and start initiating change too early when sometimes it's not necessary ..

A good example is when his folks were in their 60's I thought they should make a will...now his mum a widower has full blown Alzheimer's and no will...

Neither are right or wrong it's just different people respond differently to the same stimulus.I over react and he under reacts ..

Not sure if that helps but it is what it is ...

R and D xx

Day 218 comes to an end...

thanks Rach, a bit of both really. Most of the time I can answer my own questions up to a point anyway, there are always blind spots. Ive had counselling and explored deep in to the soul but sometimes I find it hard to put what ive learn't about myself to good use and make positive changes to how I live my life. Sometimes I move forward but I also regress as well. Two steps forward, one step back.

I been swimming this evening. I feel refreshed and ok. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Day 219...another day dawning gambling free.

Day 219 continues...

..another days work done. Some support workers just make me mad. They just don't do their job. They don't use their initiative and they just sit around smoking or eating and quietly disappear when they are needed or when the going gets tough. The lack of care for others from some people beggars belief.

Anyway am ok, no thoughts of gambling. I feel a swim coming on. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Just checked the start of your diary and encouraged that you have been on here since 2008 and therefore your 219 days isnt close to your total existence on the site.

Finding that many come on here at the point where they are giving up and just start racking up the days. Good luck to them but I think its of more benefit to me to liaise with kindred spirits who have gone through all the recovery stages on here.

Well done on the the 219 days.

Hi SA. Guess it must be frustrating with your line of work if someone's not doing what they should be but you can't let that worry you. I think everywhere you go there's one or two idiots that just couldn't care about there job and ofcourse in your job you need to more than other jobs.

Thanks for your post and may those days keep on building for both of us.

Hope all that make sense as I'm half asleep at the mo lol.

Hi S.A,

Really good to see that you are doing so well, 219 days is amazing! Seems like your in a good place this time to stay gamble free.

Keep it up mate

Jimbooo

Hi mate, just passing through and had to say hello and thank you for your continued support and posts - glad you doing well, that day count is looking good.

take care, ands

Hi S.A

Wow ! i just seen how long you have been on, seems you are serial poster ! not had chance to ready your life story but thanks for taking the time to send congrats message on my diary. I can certainly say the same to you, best wishes Dark Place