Hope

Day 220

Bless you everybody. Even though I have been writing my diary for what seems like a thousand years, it always feels good to get supportive replies, so thank you! I don't write as much on others diaries as I use to but I do read and follow peoples progress, it all helps.

A fairly good day today. Somehow I quite enjoyed showing this new chap the in's and outs of the job and also one of the driving routes. He's overly anxious and he's a bit out of his depth really. I don't think he will last but am happy to help him where I can. he may settle.

As for me am buzzing a bit, cos ive been focussed all day. I know am going to crash psychologically in a while but not before I go for another swim. I seem to enjoy swimming just at the moment. No thoughts of gambling. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

The sun is up, its been up and shining all day. Later it will go down. Yes it will.

Yeah ..I'm racking up a few millennia SA on the diary posts...but do you know what ? ..does it matter so long as it keeps you on the path ..

Xxx

Day 221

Yes Rach I agree. It keeps me on the right path.

Another working day passes without incident, long may that continue. Another day taking the new chap under my wing. I am conscientious and caring. I really am. Its not just something I might write on a CV.

No gambling thoughts so that's good. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Day 223 with not a penny having been gambled in that time.

Ive had a small piece of unexpected good news on the financial front. The tax credits people have decided to put a little extra something into my bank account, so ive now moved that to savings meaning that now I actually have some savings! Not a lot but a little is better than nothing at all and a little savings is better than thousands upon thousands of debt, which is what I use to have.

I remember this time last year i'd recently had a gambling binge and the extra money i'd got from tax credits folk had acted as my get out of jail free card ie it paid off my over draft but then a short time later I gambled that away too. The same ain't gonna happen this year!! Gambling can go f*** off!!

Its been a long and tiring week at work, but in its own way quite satisfying. The boss was away and we muddled through ok and some folk took the P*** a bit but only a bit, so that's good.

No gambling problems and thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Lol ....quote ....".gambling can go f***k off "..love it.

Wow ...another early bird this morning. Glad to see your in good spirits SA..

Truly not trying to pissola on your windfall but best keep it in savings as you said ..would hate to see tax recall it as an admin mistake and then give you 5 mins to pay it back...no pressure or owt!

Just looking out for ya in my codependant ,rescuing helpful slash/ controlling way..lol xx

R and D xx

Yo,

So my lovely , see a new pair of speedos on the horizon .

Enjoy your weekend, you've work hard all week and deserve it . Swimming running , cooking up a nice roast lamb .

Who knows , one things for sure though gambling well you've certainly given that the heave Ho .

Shiny xxxxxxx

Day 223 continues....

Thanks both, ive been following your thoughts as always and I will reply to you over the weekend for sure.

Am having a good day. Pottering around my flat this morning and sorting a few things out (even a tiny bit of cleaning) and a delicious cycle down the Tesco's to use up a bunch of coupons so I get lots of juicy club card points and then a delicious cycle home again. Later I will go for a swim which will involve more delicious cycling in the evening breeze.

Contrast with last Saturday, when I was seriously "woe is me" and thinking of gambling. I realise what caused it now. It was stress pure and simple. It was the "thought" of the working week ahead with the boss being on holiday.

I'd imagined it was going to be the working week from hell, where everybody would have phoned in sick, where clients would have become violent and the onus would have been on me to sort everything out and that I would not have been able to cope. I'd imagined falling apart.

As it turned out I coped better than I thought I would and nobody did a sickie and although P*** taking did happen (not from me) it wasn't on a grand scale to cause major problems.

I find it interesting to examine how stress effects me. Its like today am so chilled out I feel very alive and cheerful and although I am on my own I don't feel lonely at all, not one bit. But last Saturday I felt worthless and hopeless and felt like i'd failed and I felt so very alone.

Strange how I can flip flop between the two states of mind and its all stress related.. thoughts, leading to feelings, leading to actions. Its the good thing about my diary is that I can look back and read how I was and how I am now. It helps to know that sh*tty feelings tend not to last.

That's the key to my recovery. To be able to manage my feelings without going "f*** it" and running off to gambling. It is not easy. I am a work in progress. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

SA

my friend it is great to see the results of your efforts.

i guess with this weather those shorts are getting there share of the sun!!

a week were your resolve has strengthened and that you fully deserve.

keep making the right choice fella

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi SA

I hope the weekend continues in the same content way that it started yesterday 🙂

Take care

Irene

Day 224, otherwise known as 32 weeks without a bet of any kind.

Thanks Irene and Dunc and yes am more or less in a positive frame of mind again today. I hath over done it on the running though. A two hour run in the warm is a run too far for me but I did it anyway. It was tempered a bit by the breeze but I expect some sort of visual migraine and weird spaced out feelings to set in any time soon.

Ive been reading a few of my back posts, especially the ones in and around gambling binges. Its excellent medicine to continue to not gamble one day at a time. One thing ive learnt over the years is that its o so easy to just start gambling again, irrespective of the length of time since last gamble.

Anyway that's me. Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

congratulations on getting this far my friend. I too enjoy reading your posts because they reflect life how it really is. like poetry really, finding interest in the ordinary of things, whether they be events, circumstances or meandering thoughts. All good to read and dryly funny. 2 hour runs are great, I used to run a lot when I was younger and found it was a great way to rid myself of stress and daily irratations. Now all I do is lift weights, swim, cycle and shout at people. But I do miss running. I read with interest about the dizzy spells and headaches, I wouldn't read too much into it, I always experience sensations like that. Headaches are bad though, usually a sign that I've overdone it and I need to rest.

Enjoy the rest of your day, hope the new kid at works settles in.

Steve

Hey SA..

It will be virtual holiday for me but I'm looking forward to it...

Looks like you also have had a rest from globetrotting ..I guess the way I look at it now is that you have to take your head with you ...

For different reasons I also have no desire to engage in conversation with strangers ..largely because I am paid to do it in my job and largely becasue my ability to keep interested is less and less.

I prefer isolation in my spare time plus I'd rather read a book or write as read on here.

Keep safe SA xxx

Day 225 with not a single penny gambled.

Really mentally draining day. Word of the day "relentless".

Coping with clients behaviours and other staffs behaviours and in fact people in general was just so d**n hard. Am just all tired and run down.. again! I could have done with a duvet day but I didn't I showed up. No sickness since 2011.

No gambling problems even when my colleague started telling me about his wins on the Fobts. I really couldn't care less. he drinks his winnings anyway.

Onwards and thanks for listening... S.A

The sun came up and its going down as I type.

S.A.

225 days is totally brilliant and a magnificent achievement. I look forward to being there again one day soon. People like yourself show us the way and we want what you have. A great example to the rest of us.

Keep up the good work.

Tomso.

Once again thank you so much for your kind words and at the mention of shoes wondering if you are still wearing those red high heels to run your marathons after your trek up everest in them, methinks you reached the top no problem.

Loving the expression ' flip flop from one frame of mind to another' so descriptive and so true of many of us, if only we could stay in either the flip or flop stage life would be so much easier and so much less needless worry energy wasted.

Despite the above I promise I don't have a shoe fetish, gave seventy pairs to charity shop when I moved but spending most of my time in bare feet these days, bliss.

You are a kind, caring person and really showing how it should be done fighting off all the adversity thrown at you so once again I wish you all the health and happiness you deserve.

xxx