Hope

Hi Steve,

Well the road feels a little less serene today... self-inflicted as always.. alcohol. I managed to pull back from a night of drunkenness.. even managed to get the last bus home.. so thats a positive. But I remember someone saying at a GA meeting... that stopping gambling also involves stopping those patterns of behaviour that lead to the gambling. For me, as I have mentioned many times before..alcohol is one of them.

Its like I want to stop drinking totally in principle.. but to be honest am not sufficiently motivated to do that.. so its not gonna happen. But I am on dangerous territory with drinking. One answer is to stop going to pubs and clubs as thats the main danger point but trouble is until i find something else to do instead am always gonna have that Friday or Saturday night when I just wanna go out.. and its also true that most of the people that i know are drinkers.

I find it hard not to drink if everyone else is drinking. I can do it.. but not consistently and over time. Sooner or later I end up having a bit of a session.. and then the horrible hangover.. and then my thinking is all over the place.. and gambling comes a little closer. When i have foggy thinking sometimes i cant remmber why i cant gamble anymore.. thats dangerous.

But anyway am ok today... not hungover really..just tired.. have had a coffee with a friend and done some shopping. I intend to get down the gym in a bit. The day is improving as it goes along.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi S.A.

We are by no means perfect so don't be too hard on yourself. I understand the behaviour though. It is a big one for me and I recognise it as soon as it starts. Fortunately I don't drink anymore so I am a little safer in that department. Glad your day is getting better. You are a great strength to me in my recovery and for that I thank you.

Steve E

Hiya SA,

Just to say hiya and hope all is well ur end 🙂

Del xxx

Thanks for dropping by Steve and Del

Am feeling a bit low in mood this evening.. bit depressed. No urges to gamble though..thankfully. I will do some posting it may help lift my mood.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hey SA,

Hope the mood lifts...get a good nights kip and hopefully things will be brighter tomorrow 🙂

Hug

Del xxx

hi sa can i just thankyou fo the post on my new diry you realy do seem to be such a cleaver person unlike myself lol . i guess all i am trying to say is thanks for being here and takeing the time to try and help me i hope you are feeling better today all the best for now steve

Something I realise about this addiction is that its got very little to do with intelligence. If that was the case I would have stopped years ago when i started losing money. I think its all emotional in nature. I dont really deal with my emotions very well and my emotions come out sideways either as gambling or drinking. Gambling destroys me and i have used my brain to realise that writing on here stops me gambling it gives me an outlet where other wise I might have none.

Am just back from a GA meeting.. just a handful of us there but I get something from the meeting. In giving my own therapy and listening to others I remind myself that essentially my gambling escalated because I was lonely and when in a gambling environment I felt less lonely... thats it really..nothing terribly complicated about it. Of course if you tapped me on the shoulder when i was actually gambling i'd tell you it was about money and winning jackpots and having fun.. but it wasnt really. It was just when gambling i didnt have to be in touch with my own loneliness.

I have made progress on the areas that i need to work on.. am more social now than i have ever been before.. baby steps. I use my logical brain to realise though that I still need to read and write on here otherwise my thoughts may once again become trapped in my own headspace and then gambling may well become an option once more.

Today has been a good day all in all.. moments of stress at work.. but I dealt with them and they passed. I am trying to be a little more assertive when needed am too passive sometimes. I am making progress. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi SA

A good post. I can relate to your loneliness. I could be in a room full of people and still feel I'm on my own. Glad yesterday was good. Can't do anything about the stress levels at work it's part of the working life in modern Britain today I guess. Be kind to yourself

Take care

Steve E

Its been such a tough day... my emotions over the last 24 hours have been a mess. late last night a "thought" (not about gambling) popped into my head.. I became so angry.. pacing around.. couldnt sleep.. the thought morphed into something i didn't know what to do with... it took hours to settle myself.

Today i ave been stressing about a meeting at work. Today the changes that are to take place have been outlined. I still have a job for which i am relieved but change I find hard. Ive had moments where ive just wanted to burst into tears.

Later someone I know starts to talk to me about having met someone and being all "loved up" and I lurch into lonely mode. I am on my own I say to myself..poor old me .. nobody loves me type thinking...on it went.

Am just frazzled now..just writing for writings sake. I just want to feel normal.. I guess this is a normal of sorts. A normal range of emotions. Not the euphoric highs and incredibly low lows that was my gambling. Today i am thank ful that despite everything I am have not gambled and to be truthful at no point did i want to. Ive had enough of that nightmare.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Am feeling very unsettled this morning. have been wide awake since 3.30 a.m.. very unuusal for me.

Thoughts of buying a lottery ticket. Ive posted quite alot to others recently about the perils of the lottery and yet in myself at this moment in time I want to buy a lottery ticket.. mmmm... I guess the thought will pass.

Last gamble of any kind: 25th of May 08

hi sa please dont buy the ticket . been awake early just like me the other day and then desaster . i realt think you have got alot more sence than to go gamblin . sa you talk alot of sence on here so i know you will not buy it let the thoughts pass my friend take care for now steve ps sorry hope this makes sence and you know what i am getting at i sometimes strugel to get what i mean across in what i am posting lol

Hi SA, change is difficult if you let it be so. You have come so far, fought so hard. This could be a new chapter at work, you still have a job, you have nice clothes, a good haircut. You have learned to like yourself, warts and all. Please don't buy a lottery ticket, you would beat yourself up so much. Its not always easy being in a relationship, there are two lots of emotions and expectations to deal with. Hang in there, we are all there for you. Big Ostrich hug, don't know what else to say. Love Ostrich x

Hi SA

You are so in control of your recovery with all the postings you put up. You know exactly how to deal with these thoughts. As that is all they are. Steer yourself through the storm to calmer waters and you'll set sail for new destinations in your life. Don't know where that came from but you get the idea.

Take care Mate

Steve E

Thanks all for your supportive replies..much appreciated. I am feeling ok at this moment in time. Stevey had it spot on. They were just "thoughts" and they sailed on by. I wanted to acknowledge the "thoughts" because it doing that it helps me to be free of them. I know that underneath these thoughts it is work stress and the run up to Xmas that unsetttles me. I will get through one day at a time, one hour at a time as necessary. Once again thanks for the warm replies.. rest assured I shall be venturing into your diaries soemtime soon... you have been warned! lol ;-).. S.A

Last gamble: 25th of May 08

Hi SA, Bandit here yet again and right back at the begining. Just been reading about the lottery ticket, you know I kinda never gave that a thought and I do the same numbers every draw, never thought bout stopping it, I know it is gambling but never seen it as a problem, as I would never go out and spend 200 on lottery tickets but could quite easily put 200 in a slot machine, and sometimes more. Was it a problem for you then that you bought an awful lot of them, or is it the fact that 1 ticket would then make you gamble on anything, Bandit X