Hope

Well..here's new years eve. Have decided not to go out...through choice. I shall perhaps be asleep as the moment passes..but thats fine. Ive been at work today then to the gym..am now tired. I have no desire to be in some crowded bar somewhere trying to chat up women half my age lol

I remind myself of New Years eve's past where ive spent them glued to some machine somewhere.. only to have done my money and then wandered the streets sadly looking at people.. seemingly happy and enjoying themselves.

Ive had some tremendously lonely new years eve's in the past.. but this year although i am on my own I am actually feeling rather content. I shall watch a movie.. text a few friends to wish happy new year and then i shall go to bed and to sleep when the moment feels right. I've been feeling really rather happy in the last few days.. I shall enjoy this feeling.. long may it last.

I am into my 8th month since I last gambled. I am proud of my acheivement. In fact in the last 5 years ive probably gambling only about 5 times. Previous to that I gambled every day. Since my last slip i have worked my recovery.. one day at a time.. it works. By simply taking each day as it comes I am able to stop and to stay stopped.

Happy New Year to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind: 25th of May 08

Hi SA

It's ironic how it works. You are on your own but there by choice. What a great place to be in your mind. I can relate to the scenario of walking past people enjoying themselves and me feeling miserable and unhappy. Anyhow let's not dwell on the past. Hope 2009 brings all you require and more. Take care mate and a peaceful 2009 to you and yours.

Steve E

Good evening SA,

You have gained so much insight over the last 5 years of this addiction and how it effects yourself and others. You are so right to be proud of yourself SA. You have earned those feelings.

You come across in your posts as someone who is becoming more & more comfortable in their own skin. More balanced in your approach to life and this comes from the work you have put into yourself, your recovery.

I hope 2009 brings you happiness and maybe even the Job that you want!

Keep doing what you do

Jackie

Hi starting again.....

It sounds like you are in a good place.... I hope to be there soon...

congratulations on your achievements..

Hi starting again.....

It sounds like you are in a good place.... I hope to be there soon...

congratulations on your achievements..

Hi S.A.

It really is a great feeling to accomplish one day without gambling, the lift you get makes you want to go on, so to start a new year Gamble free is even better. Like starting a new life afresh, a blank sheet. No-one knows really what lies around the corner, all we can do is enjoy today, do our best to stay clear of the pitfalls.

5 bets in 5 years is amazing, and rightly something to be proud of. To stretch way back to 25th May to date and surely beyond into 2009 is testimony to your determination, spirit and desire to seek a new life for yourself. I am sure like me, you will be feeling lots of new emotions, seeing things differently from before.

To see the world, the happiness felt by others, the sights, sounds and colours, feel more relaxed than ever before. Other will see the new YOU to S.A. it will shine brightly

and open doors for you, family, friends, even strangers will see someone who is happy, enjoying life and making things happen.

2009 is a new beginning for us all S.A. yes starting all over again but on solid foundations built over the last 8 months. You have every right to be proud and smile for the world to see. Wonderful to read your diary and see how far you have come and will continue on.

Wow.. thank you for the heartfelt comments everyone.. I red them several times and absorbed there meaning and sentiment.

Today has been a good day. Went for a walk and then to do some shopping just for me. I now have a grey leather jacket to go with my brown ones and a new pair of shoes. I am in the best financial situation that i have ever been really. This is in large part, in very large part to the fact of not gambling.. one day at a time.

Must admit though.. it just goes to show how gambling thoughts can come out of nowhere. I was reading the paper in a coffee shop this afternoon and I turned over the page and what did i see but some big splash about a lady who had won a ton of money on a scratch card. Unfortunately I read the article and then had the vaguest of feelings that buying a scratch card wouldnt do any harm. Of course i didn't but i just wanted to acknowledge the thought.

I have no new years resolutions other than to keep working my recovery one day at a time and as Williebhoy says..enjoy the day each and every day, because nobody really knows what is just around the corner.. all we have is now.

Happy new year to all who read this.. keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A.

Happy new year to you. Thanks for the reply. I have read parts of your diary, you have really put a smile on my face today. It's great how far you have come, and the way you write I feel like I know you hehe. Its inspiring. This forum seems to have really helped you. And I have also taken on board some of things you have wrote. For exmaple you wrote about facing your emotions and I think it's time I do too. It's o.k. to feel pain, better out than in, right?

Anyway I wanted to drop by and wish you a Happy New Year and to let you know that you have brightened up at least one persons day today

Take care

Dee

Hi Dee,

Its put a smile on my face the fact that i have put a smile on your face. 🙂 and yes its ok to feel pain.. its ok to feel feelings. If your anything like me when you dont feel the feelings then you stuff them inside and they come out sideways as gambling.

My diary is an outlet for stuff that i may not know what to do with otherwise. My diary is something to hang on to.. its my life jacket.. as long as i hold onto it I know i wont drown. As my diary has grown momentum its almost as if it has developed a life of its own. Its become an integral part of my day to day life.

Sometimes if ive had a s**t day the first thing i think of doing is to come home and write about it. Sometimes if ive had a good day the first thing I think of doing is to come home and write about it. Sometimes if my day has just been ok.. the first thing i think of is to come home and write about it. By writing in my diary I keep myself safe from my addiction.

As I suggest to other people.. that what ever works keep doing it. Essentially I am lonely. I live alone and i want to get to a point where i come home and have someone i trust to talk to.. a soul mate. But until that day comes then i keep writing in here on a daily basis.. I think even if i do find a soul mate i would continue to write in here just perhaps not so often.

My gambling was based on emotions.. it had nothing to do with money really. I gambled on £25 and £35 jackpot machines.. no get rich from feeding those machines. Sometimes it took me many hours to lose all my money but lose it i would. The feeling of leaving some gambling den having emptied my bank account again was indescribably. I choose to cope with my emotions now rather than escape from them by machine feeding.

I feed the ducks not the machines! 🙂

Today has been fine.. work was fine.. the swim after work was fine.. the pottering around Tesco's after deciding on whether to get Pomegranet & Pear juice or Mango & Papaya juice was also fine lol In the end i got both because i am not especially on a tight budget anymore... due to NOT gambling. Anyway enough of my ramblings for one day. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble of any kind: 25th of May 08

hi sa glad too see you are on the straight and narrow... although i havent posted in a few weeks due too the slip up and yes unfortunatley im still gambling...i read all of your posts even tho i dont reply too them... have you not tried a dating agency too find that soul mate? ironically i found mine on a bingo site weird huh... not suggesting you do that tho lol... i really do miss replying too people like i used too and give them advice as back then i was in a frame of mind which was brilliant.. but now pah.. thats all gone now xx tc chick x

Hi Potholes,

I like your humour. Yes its hard I know. Its the wanting to stop thats the important bit.. Perhaps you are in the that twi-light zone that all Cg's go through..where you recognise the problem.. but havent quite reached that point where you are sufficiently motivated to want to do something about it. I was like that for years and the unfortnate thing about me.. is that the resolve can start to wane at any time.. its so easy to drift back into denial and convince oneself that it will be different this time around.

I feel depressed today..ment to pick up the phone and speak to someone but didn't... ate tuna pasta instead. I did go out.. went to the shops but realised that I wasn't right in the head and came home again. Thank fully i like my home and like to come home to it.. it keeps me safe from myself. I meet a friend for coffee tomorrow..something to look forward to I guess.

I will stop writing when I last gambled now.. am starting to fixate on it.. which usually means I am ripe for a f**k up. I am tired and cold today perhaps this has effected my mood.. am just woe is me with extra woe. fast forward to tommorow... S.A

Hi SA

Some days are better than others in recovery. It will pass as you know. I try to avoid the highs and lows and stay on an even keel. If I get too excited I then expect a backlash of a downer. Since going to counselling my moods have got better without me realising it. Not sure how that has worked though. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Take care and keep posting you are a tower of strength to me.

Regards

Steve E

Hey man, hope all is well and that you are having a good weekend. Steve-E, you should be proud that you have only slipped up once in 4 years, you are truly an inspiration. Best wishes

Another day passing gambling free. Met friend for coffee this morning, felt good to be able to talk and unburden some of the thoughts swimming around my head. I hadn't actually spoken to anyone since leaving work on Friday. Satuday had been a day trapped in my own thoughts.. had found it difficult to stop my mood dropping.

I feel as if i am treading water at the moment. In a job that I want to move on from but doing nothing about it and wanting to be in a relationship but doing nothing about it. Its ok in the short term, I can tread water and be ok.. but the longer it goes on the more stuck and the more frustrated I feel and then i start beating myself up as if there is something wrong with me. I never envisaged that i would end up well into my thirties sitting in a flat, still single, still alone. This is where addiction has led me.

Don't get me wrong am actually feeling ok today.. there is much that I feel content about.. I like my home.. i have a home.. I have acheived in my job and feel good about that.. I have money in the bank. and I feel fairly secure. I can build on this and I will am just not quite sure what the next step is.. need to find ways to keep talking and get support. Today it is helping to write this sort of stuff down.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi SA

At a guess, as I'm not an expert, by a long way, you are ready to move on in your recovery to the next stage. If there is one. Something for you to think about. What you do or where you go is an individual choice and maybe you should be thinking along those lines. If not you're fine just the way you are I guess.

Take care

Steve E