Hope

Day 15 gamble free and thanks all.

I feel the need to count for now I can't help it. getting back on track.

I was feeling ever so depressed yesterday. hard to get out of bed. Didn't speak to anyone. Just managed to get down the shop to buy food.

Off to work... 5 hard weeks of early starts and difficult children coming up. Not that they are children... both 18. Give me the courage and strength. I feel alone and weak.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA

Wishing you a good day at work and sending you positive and strong thoughts

Well done on 15 days

Take care

Suzanne xx

Hi S.A, hope you are well. Is / was your marathon this weekend? Let us know how it went!

All the best,

SGN

Hi Ya S.A,

Count the days if you need to. YOU do whatever YOU need to do. I write on very few diaries these days because I don't know what to say that would be helpful to anyone. It seems when folks are riding a wave everybody jumps on the thread and says keep going!! Not so much when we are neck deep treading water eh?

I'm here S.A. Always reading and listening. Things are going to get better again. -joanxxx

Day 21 gambling free... and thanks all 🙂

Well another marathon in the bag... number 5 to be precise.... only 95 to go and I can join the 100 marathon club!

It was hard going. Warm sunshine once again. Did ok up until mile 21 doing steady 9-9.30 pace and then crashed and burnt from 21-24 with much up and down and then recovered a bit for the last 2.2 miles as it was flat. Came in at 4 hours 28 this year. Proud to have completed another marathon but a little disappointed with the time. A really think I have a sub-4 hour within me... on a flat course in cooler weather.

As for gambling... well... thoughts have been lurking but I havent acted on them. Work is stressing me out but I just *** on and earn money and pay rent and bills.

I appreciate your thoughts folks but as with Joan I hardly know what to say to others nowadays... so I tend to say not a lot..but I do read and think about those that I have followed over time.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Great news on completing the marathon SA, I know once you have one under your belt you start setting yourself targets, but 4.28 is still a big achievement in my book. The weather over in Wales was pretty hot today too, so I don't envy you running that distance in this kind of heat.

Also, well done on knocking those gambling thoughts back, keep doing it and maybe its time to start training for the next 95 marathons?

All the best mate

Ryan

Hey SA,

Wow, impressive marathon time and just got me thinking of putting those trainers on 🙂

Thanx for your support and just f*k that gambling, robbing b***** ...or is it us being too generous in donating? Lol..u gotta laugh my friend...

All we can do is keep trying, and we will do just that. Never give up giving up. I'm in for a fight..are you? 🙂

S x

Day 23 gambling free and thanks both.

I don't know if am up for the fight anymore Sandra. I am simply disillusioned with my life as a whole. I really don't know what to do anymore. Get busy living or get busy dying as they say... or in my case carry on existing in a twilight zone of nothingness. I feel very little connection or belonging to anything or anyone. Some days that hurts and some days I really don't care.

Despite what I say I feel on a slight high at the moment as I have survived another day at work but yesterday I was morose and moody the come down from the marathon I suppose. Maybe when I am less tired I will feel more positive but this is a diary of honesty. If am not able to be honest here where else can I be.

Its like at work isn't it, when people say "how are you?" Its like they are not actually interested in how you are, they are simply being polite or wanting a sense of how well your going to do your job today... The answer they want is "fine thanks"... am not going to say " I feel depressed" or "lonesome" cos that freaks people out doesn't it. You don't do that at work. Am much the same when I ask people (at work) how they are... I want them to say "fine" cos then we can just get on with the working day. However sometimes people do offload to me, cos I seem to have that way with people... either that or am just a sponge for other peoples s**t.

As for gambling... and in line with my general mindset.. I really can't be bothered. Even found myself sitting outside some arcade on some bench waiting for my bike to be fixed and I didn't have the slightest thought or urge to wonder in and "do my b*****ks" and yet on a different occasion I might have been itching to enter, heart beating at a million miles an hour. Its a very strange compulsion this urge to gamble lark. I don't even try to understand it anymore.

deep down and as I type more I think I probably am up for the challenge once more Sandra, its just that it takes me time to get back into a positive mindset after falling once again. This gambling thing has been a part of me for so long now that ive lost touch with what being alive is really supposed to be about.

Onwards. Thanks for listening. and just to say I won't do anything daft... It helps to get depressive thoughts out in the open... it doesn't mean to say that I feel this way all day everyday. regards to all.. S.A

Hi S.A

I know where you're coming from with the comedown after an important running event. Although I've yet to run a marathon I've done a few halfs and the days afterwards are awful! All my focus, and months of training will have gone into that race and once it's over I don't know what to do with myself.

I get the impression you are an experienced runner and if so the comedown is probably no surprise to you. Just try not to do anything rash over the course of the next few days. Try and take it easy and don't set yourself any unrealistic goals.

Heyyyyy SA,

Yep, i like it. I just like your post man. Hmmm asking people how they are at work or getting the same questions is a challenge for me too. I use to block it and pretend I'm fine. Well, no more my friend, i simply stopped caring what others think. And no, i don't shoot back sayin f***f, i say I'm ok but those who really know me are not buying it and that's more than just fine with me. I am quiet i general if you get what i mean. Yea, i go in, do my duties and out of the door. I do get stressed and very rare but it does...it brings me to tears..of course i don't show it and run away from people as fast as i can. Just to recope, have a f*g or glass of water.

Life is not perfect and never will be. That's the reality. I think i had enough of these games in my mind. I think i will take what i am given and if opportunity arises i will gladly take it on. For the better future.

Some days i have that belief, some days i don't. It depends in what mindset i get up in. All i know my dear friend...we need a change. I know it is hard thing to do, alien to us and seems impossible at a times. Yea, I'm like 29 now and what do i do? Work sleep, work sleep...occasional run. I am right rooted in the house. Is it healthy? I don't think so cause it drives me mad a lot of times, i get P***** off with myself and i get into the f**k it state where my worst enemy knocks at the door. I go down and down and i stop reaching for the treads to hold on.

I think we are doing this to ourselves. We need to find a way out, sometimes little things can make huge changes. For me..i am gonna force myself to be kinder to me, get out and about at least every other weekend. I used to like to dance, there is nothing stopping me to get that energy out and enjoy myself..go out clubbing. .. Lighten up and learn to smile again, socialise and talk to people...more importantly - live.

what can you do to make a change? What can make you feel better with yourself? It is in you my friend ..keep grabbing on those treads and don't even think of giving up.

You got it...all along it's just a case of finding it 🙂

S x

Day 27 gambling free.

Thank you both. I will do some replying over the weekend.

It seems I still get motivated to not gamble by counting the days. Financially am starting to re cover, though this year the student loans company seems to not want to defer my loans again, as I edge ever closer to having them written off. Ive just sent another bunch of info off (including the kitchen sink lol) to demonstrate my poorness. I try to deal with money troubles straight away, as that's a big trigger for me, as it is for all of us I guess.

Psychologically, emotionally I continue to be a bit f****d up which kinda makes my gamble free time something to savour.

One of these days I will manage to find a way of "not being hit" for a living.Yesterday I was paired up with a small nervous lady and together we had to support a fairly violent 18 year old girl with autism and learning disabilities. It was stressful and I was for all intents and purposes a security guard. By the end of the day nobody was hurt but it sure did take its toll on me. Went to the pub with ex-work colleague and drank beer I did.

And so my life continues... thanks for listening... S.A

Morning S.A,

You don't need to reply. I don't always have the energy to write on people's threads. I don't have expectations. Just dropping by to say hello and that I agree that motivation is key to recovery. Whatever it takes right? Keep it up brother. I don't think most folks realize what a physical and emotional challenge/drain it is to work with "the folks" that you work with on a daily basis. Respect! -joanxxxx

Still listening and thinking of you today as it is the Thames charity walk this weekend with all the walkers streaming along the opposite bank all weekend even through the night. If I was moored on the other bank I would be handing out cups of tea as they already look so exhausted and have miles to go yet.

Also wondering if you have ever thought of working as a Family Support worker in a social work team. I know in the wrong location but we are advertising for one at the moment and your skills and background meet the criteria exactly. Same type of work as you do now, especially if with a team where young people are already in care or have a disability but with none of the stresses as just short pieces of work for a couple of hours with each one throughout the day supporting the social workers. You have such established skills and empathy that we are desperate for people like you and I think you would actually enjoy the work without being burnt out by it. Might be worth looking into in your area and can then even take on more work based training opportunities should you wish.

Hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts but I do understand having been there myself and want you to be safe, happy and enjoy your life so much more. I want that big smiley sun to come up each day and shine on you.

xxx

Hey SA,

Yep I'm with Sis there, please don't worry about replying. Good to see you back on a road again. Life can b ...well, you know it yourself, it's just the case of dealing with arising situations. Keep up your determination my friend, we will get there, and no gambling demons will stop us going forward

((((SA))))

Sx

Hi SA,

Hope you're okay mate, I know once the first slip comes then its easy for them to come on top of each other and I hope that's not what's happened.

You're such an inspiration to me both in terms of your regular exercise (though I'm still not running!), and in the way you deal with this addiction. You also mentioned that you were trying to figure out what the point is - one of humanity's great dilemmas. If you find the answer to that one, let me know as I've never been able to get it.

You do a tough job my friend, I hope you're just having a tough week on the work front and are too tired to come online too often. I know that particular problem well - tired has been my middle name over the last few weeks!

All the best mate,

Ryan