Hope

Day 36 gambling free.

I appreciate the concern and thoughts everyone and perhaps surprisingly I haven't gambled. However my resolve not to gamble is not what it once was, especially since my august relapse. All ive done is not to put temptation in my way by keeping myself busy with work and tired through cycling and running. But within my core self I am simply depressed. I really can't be bothered to take my sorry self off to some gambling hell hole and feed some machines.

Sorry am not full of positivity about recovery... but that's just the way it is at the moment. Thanks for listening... S.A

Yo,

You know mate you do not have to be positive , just abstain.

That in its self is a positive .

Shiny xx

Hi SA,

You are not gambling and that is most important thing.

Keep barging ur way through, bad and low days will surely turn into more peaceful and calmer ones as you rack up more days behind you. (Learned from my own experience).

Am depressed myself and hell i wouldn't wish anyone else to go through them emotions. I know it might deteriorate now xmas is coming closer so visit round docs is on a agenda, even if i hate chemical in my system, tablets just might be the thing i need to keep pushing through.

Rambled enough me thinks lol

Just look after you and take a good care of yourself, ...let's do it soldier, lets beat the s***t out of nasty gambling! !

Sandra x

SA

Fella I have written a great deal lately about my life as an escape artist,something I have done for as long as I can remember.

Work was a form of escapism for me too,the worst thing being I had nothing to show for my efforts for twenty plus years because I would simply gift it to gambling.

The results being my mind worn to a frazzle and a body that broke down through poor maintinance.

In short look after yourself fella

Don't punish yourself.

Don't forget you are not alone.

Duncs stepping forward never back

SA

Recovery isn't all happy clappy , recovery is sometimes just abstanance, if you can muster that just for today then you have done something amazing, remember whilst your at your weakest our addiction is at its strongest.

Just for today SA the rest will eventually follow

Take care of yourself.

Blondie x

Day 41 gamble free. Thanks all.

I was thinking. Its actually very easy not to gamble. Just don't do the things that lead to gambling. Don't put temptation in ones way. For me that means keeping it simple. Go to work, come home from work. Go for a run, come home from run. Go to food shop, come home from food shop. Go to mates house, come home from mates house. Simples!!

The problem comes when I do something different or want to do something different because of boredom, sadness, happiness, anger, tiredness or any other emotional state you could possibly imagine. Its then that the gambling demon starts to rub its hands with glee..."I have my opportunity" he says. Its when I get drunk or leave my home area or do something else out of character or outside of my normal habits and routines.

Like I say, not gambling is easy. My current 41 days gamble free have flown past. It has been "relatively" easy. But staying stopped for the long term is not easy at all. It is very hard. Anybody who has followed my journey over the years can see that. Of course I see it in other peoples diaries as well... but especially in my own because its gone on for so long. My cycle of problem gambling is clear for all to see. I have yet to break my habitual patterns of recovery and relapse and yet I keep trying, very trying, some may say.

I got home from work yesterday. met my neighbour in the stair well I did. He was drunk... it was his birthday... 66 years old.. going on 76... drinking and smoking himself to an early grave. he has long since given up (in my opinion), its only his dog that keeps him going. He has many medical issues that he ignores.

He invites me in. Two other neighbours are present. One is the drug addicted guy from the bottom flat. He is in major relapse and dealing class B drugs as far as I can see. My other neighbour has only been in the block a few months. I like him. He's very bright but very f***** up lol. He disagrees with the capitalist system and would rather dig a well than pay his water bill. Does anybody out there actually pay their water bill, or is just me?? he does just enough to satisfy the job centre and not get sanctioned for his JSA and on the face it seems quite a happy person. He spends much of his time doing creative things like cooking and making music and says that if he had just a little more money he'd be perfectly happy.

And then there is me, the bloke at the top. I am deemed the sensible one... the one who gets up for work at 5 a.m and pays his water bill. They wouldn't say that if they were a fly on the wall watching me feed 20 pound notes into the machines.

Anyway I felt my impulsive addictive head coming on. I thought I'd go and buy a bunch of beer for the old fella (it was his birthday of course)... so off I went and did just that. Anyway I was expecting the 4 of us to sit and get drunk to the wee small hours, but it never happened. Turns out that the fella at the bottom had to go off and see his dealer, the new bloke in the block isn't really a drinker and had had enough and the old guy was ready to fall asleep... so that was that. One more beer and I left. Blessing in disguise really. Woke up with no hangover. But like I say... my addictive nature is alive and kicking. It lies dormant for periods of time, long or short and then it erupts into bloom. This is how my life is.

Anyone reading my diary over the long term would probably come to the conclusion that what I probably need is a change of job where I don't get hit and poohed on for a living, a girlfriend and another hobby to compliment running/cycling. Would these things cure me of my addictive tendencies?? Part of me thinks yes but then I think, probably not. How many times have I red on this forum where people say "I have a great partner and family and a well paid job and yet I still gambling to the point of self-destruction" and then they say.. "Why o why do I do this??" This addiction, any addiction is all very illogical isn't it?? Addiction takes on a world of its own.

re-framing ones thinking, good old CBT. Looking at life in a positive way. Keep trying I do. Change is very hard. Just for today I choose not to gamble. Who knows how I will be thinking tomorrow, but then I can worry about that when tomorrow comes.

My neighbour is whistling in the stair well. Its really getting on my nerves. I refuse to go out.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey SA

Great post, thanks for sharing.

The very best we can do is one day at a time, and because we are doing the very best we can, we can be proud.

Be proud because you are doing it and making that right choice, STARVING THE ADDICTION .

Suzanne xx

what i see in the post is hope

your honest SA i'll give you that

you know the battles not over but your trying

good on you for that

tri

Good to see you moving on. Keep winning the fight SA, you are worth peace and harmony in your life and your surely on the right track.

Take care

S x

Hi SA

Thanks for your message.

Keep moving on and learning and be proud, because we are on an amazing journey in our lives.

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xx

Day 43 gambling free. Thanks all.

Depression rules the roost at the moment but am still functioning. I regret an email I sent to my consultant at the agency... I was feeling stressed at the time. But what's done is done, he didn't reply anyway. Sometimes I forget that all these people are interested in anyway is whether your going to accept the work or not and is the company they've sent you to happy with your performance or not.

The student loans company seems determined to make me start repaying old loans despite me sending loads of info to show that I don't earn 85% of the national average. The battle with them continues.

Am tired of life or maybe am just tired. No great urge to gamble though I do other things of an escapist flavour. If I new 6.5 years ago (when I first started this diary) that I'd still be writing the same old self-pitying s**t then perhaps I wouldn't have starting it. Hey ho, but I did.

Life continues. Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 44 gambling free.

Just toughen up and get on with life... one day at a time.

Have a good gamble free day folks as I do the same.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Yep, get on with life and it's b*****ks some days is all we can do. Gonna hav to learn bein kind to us more, work in progress 😉

Keep those days racking up

Sandra x

Just to let you know - still listening.

Wishing happiness and health.

xxx

Hi SA,

You've achieved a lot since you first started this diary, and while some things may not change quickly, believe me, you are so far ahead of where you were back then. Keep plugging away my friend, you're right about the agencies, I doubt they would be too worried about the email.

Depression is tough, we both know that particular coin, and the two faces that both seem to mean defeat. Nothing to do but to keep going until you come out of the other end.

Well done on continuing to make the right decisions, and while not gambling may not solve everything, it certainly doesn't make things worse, which gambling inevitably does.

All the best mate,

Ryan