Hope

Sorry I misread your diary, but I must say four months is still a great feat and you should be proud that you have fought the demons this long! It's been great trading thoughts with you, thanks for everything.

Hi Jimmy,

You were right the first time. 🙂 my last gamble was 25th of May 08... before that i had managed around 3 years free. The 2 years b4 that i could manage about 3 months at a time. The decade before that I gambled most days in some form or another like a mad man possessed.

Today has been difficult.. am struggling today with paranoid irrational thoughts..work related.. ive worked them through sort of by talking.. thoughts of resignation have now retreated...for the moment.

At this moment in time I feel ok.. but it has to go down as a s**t day.. a day of rollercoaster of emotions... but and a BIG but its another gambling free day.. and thats what really matters.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Another gamble free day is a great day regardless of whatever else happens. Some might scorn at that statement but for me it is everything. If I gamble that is the end of my stable progressive life. It is paramount that a CG does not gamble. Keep up the god work SA and take care

Steve E

Hi Steve,

"Another gamble free day is a great day regardless of whatever else happens" ... yes, absolutely!!

I couldnt imagine that anybody would want to scorn at that statement. If they did well I would just let it bounce off and pass by.

I come to this place to try and deal with my feelings and when i read things that start to get me angry or upset..which I briefly did today... I stop reading and dont contribute. I come tothis place to soothe my feelings not to stoke them up.

Ive had a positive day today. I dealt with certain work issues and i also offloading to a certain someone who always ends up getting me laughing. Laughter is such good medicine sometimes. yesterday I was all ready to walk from job and today thats not the case. I was in the end able to deal with my feelings. In the past i would not have dealt with my feelings.. I would have gambled.. I would have gambled until i did not have any more money to gamble with.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA, great to see you still doing so well and sounding positive. Can relate to your last post about reading certain stuff. I know form experience how easy it is to get embroiled in negative arguments when people clearly try to defend the indefensible at times but we are all different.

I chose to take a break from posting, which has refreshed me, eventhough i am still attending GA. I now think your advice is the right one...read and move on. Thanks for that.

All the best

Keith

Hi Keith,

Yes I entertain the thought of having a break from posting.. ive been posting most days since May.. and its helped tremendously.. but perhaps there is that sense of becoming a bit dependant. I guess my balance is the opposite to yours. I come here alot and go to GA occasionally. However when i think i will have a break i think well what am i replacing it with, what support am i replacing it with.. and at the moment i cant answer that question.

Today has been ok though i feel tired. whilst all around seem to have the sniffles I am sniffle free. However i had another blood pressure check. Its still high. The nurse suggested I get a home blood pressure kit.. check regularly and then bring back the readings in a couple of weeks. I will do that. It maybe that i go onto tablets.. dont want to really.. but better that than having a stroke or heart attack.

Another thing to note. Ive acquired a large flat piece of board that I have sitting on a table in my lounge. I shall start a puzzle on it.. a large, difficult puzzle with thousands of pieces. Why you ask? Well.. i like puzzles but also they are a good distraction for me, and they get me to sit still and concentrate.

I find it hard to sit still.. i can do it here online writing this.. but am not the sort of person who can sit in front of the tv and vege.. I find that unless i am watching a really interesting programme am up down every minute or so...literally pacing about.. i just cant sit still lol However i can when doing a puzzle. I hope all this is making sense.. having a puzzle on the go.. will be good for my recovery I think.. its also something that i can just sit down and do.. when i am bored or restless or struggling in my thoughts.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Glad you're not too bad. We can give you a hand with the puzzle if you get stuck (LOL).

Take care

Steve E

Thanks steve! LOL

Hi SA, appreciate your supportive comments. Its made me realise just how strong I have become with the help and support of this forum. Thank you.

Love the idea of a puzzle. Have you seen those wasjigs? They are puzzles with a different perspective and great fun, you have no idea of what the finished picture will be until its complete. A bit like life really. Take care, Love Ostrich x

Hi Ostrich,

Puzzle purcahsed.. a snowy mountain scene.. lots of shades of white to get confused with lol

Anyway today..bit s**t really..emotional rollercoaster in many ways.. work related.. same old same old.. on it goes. I have also got a blood pressure monitor now..will test myself over time.. will perhaps tell me whether i need to go on tablets.. sometimes i feel like the vessels in my head are going to pop.

No thoughts or issues with gambling.. I cope with life without returning to that horror. regards to all who read this.. S.A

Hi SA, missed talking to you these past few weeks. You've not mentioned food for a while, are you on a diet? Continued to cook weird and wonderful veg over christmas, discoverd Okra, brilliant stuff to cook with and georgous to eat.

When you're ready you'll deal with the work issue. In these economic trying times its difficult to know what to do for the best.

Also worrying about your health doesn't help. Worrying will only make your BP higher! But it is scary. Hope you have a good day today and enjoy your puzzle, just a thought, you can sometimes find them in charity shops, a lot cheaper than new ones. Take care Love Ostrich x

Hi Ostrich,

Trust me I am not on a diet lol .. I am a man that likes his food.

As for the puzzle yes i did get it in a charity shop £1.49 I did have a look at buying a new one..but they £15 and i thought Im not paying that for a puzzle!! Of course looking back to the gambling days £15 was a drop in the ocean..gone in seconds in some machine. Thank fully no more.

Today has been fine..am just tired. As always the tiredness builds up during the week. However I feel stable in myself. In an ideal world i would not work full time.. 3 to 4 days a week would be my ideal. I never really switch off from it except when i have a full week off and then when I have switched off..its time to go back again. But for all my moaning about work.. it is true.. that better in a job than not in a job.

I know what its like to be not working for a period of time and its ok for a bit.. cos you get the freedom to do what you want when you want within the constraints of not having much money. But after a while it drove me potty..bored and know one to talk to.. my gambling head loved that. I think also as a man not to be working it hit my sense of identity and self-esteem to a big extent... my gambling head loved that as well. I am happy to have a job, warts and all. I feel for everyone who's out of work and wants to be in work... especially in the current climate.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA

Glad you're in a good frame of mind at the moment, long may it last. Good idea about the puzzle. It's got me thinking too. Although my wife got me chess computer for birthday and I am so busy she would kill me if I started a puzzle.

Take care and don't stay up too late looking for that piece.

Steve E

Hi S.A.

Thanks for your reassurance. I used to love those puzzles, might get one for myself actually. Best wishes S.A.

Dee