Hope

Not much to say today.. another gambling free day. No urges or thoughts of gambling. Just checking in really... like i do.. S.A 🙂

Struggling a bit today. I look in the mirror and see a tired pale faced creature looking back at me. Another rollercoaster of a week work wise. I keep saying to myself, better in a job that not in a job, and their are aspects of my job that i love. In fact the job is great in many ways.

It just the personalities of collegues and politics and decisions made or not made and constant uncertainty and frustrations and exasperation. I feel like the dependable one that holds things together but then i also.. think why do i bother?? Is it really worth it?? I am the responsible one but at what cost to me personally.

Am a bit angry with myself. I had nearly finished an application for a new job but procrastinated too long and have now missed the deadline.

My flat needs cleaning but i dont want to clean it. I guess I need a good nights sleep and perhaps then i will have a more positive outlook as so often is the way. The tiredness builds up during the week.. the on-going stress takes its toll. Now is probably not a good time to take my blood pressure.

The one positive about how i feel today is that gambling has not entered my head. I can have a cr** day and not want to gamble. Any day without gambling is a good day. Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

hey u hows u doing... ill come and clean ya flat for ya lol 10 an an hour ill charge hahah...im hiding like a few peeps on here... still no change in me well havent deposited on a bingo site since wednesday night so i guess thats something..... been pre occupied with free poker on facebook. not going to bother re writing in my diary again dont think there is much point to be honest.. you on there? fb that is? add me if you want not as potholesbabe obviously. i am going too give you a massive clap in may hun.. for the year marker wish i cud have made 100 days oh well.. thats cause xmas is over and nothing too save for now i guess but i bet come may i will change my tune... keep in touch shell x

Hi SA, you look in the mirror and see a tired pale faced creature, but one that hasn't gambled! So hay good lookin, smile, you have come a long way. Have you got plans for this weekend, or just have a duvet day and recover? Whatever you do, enjoy it. Any suggestions for our tea tonight, I need inspiration. Will look in later. Take care. Love Ostrich x

Hey Shell, thanks for your supportive comments! I smile 🙂 and hey if you don't feel able to post in your diary, you can post in here as much as you want. I can be your surrogate diary 🙂

You get me thinking ya know. Am not on facebook am not on anything really. I guess as a single bloke I should be milking the internet to its full potential.. social networking, hanging out on msn, internet dating and all that.. but thing is.. am not lol

Dont get me wrong I think the internet is great. I love keeping this journal and knowing the fact that anybody and everybody is potentially reading it. The first thing I do, when i get home is switch the umputer on and log on here, then check my emails. The only other thing i like to do is find info about stuff or if ive been a sad git and watched a documentary about missions to mars I then come online and find pictures of mars and read about mars (I dont just eat them lol )

Anyway today has been a good day. Work stuff has drifted to the back of my mind. No thoughts or urges to gamble. Its strange that the thought of gambling on the internet just doesnt occur. My gambling was always travelling to an arcade or a pub or a shop to buy the lottery ticket.. it was always outward bound if you see what i mean. I escaped outwards cos i was unhappy in my home. It has helped alot that i like my home... when i lived in bedist land it feuled my addiction. Changing my environment helped to stop gambling and stay stopped.

Regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

hi s.a.

thanks for your advice.......haven't read all your diary but your last post sound's a bit like me.....always go out to gamble.....never even been tempted by Internet gambling....

i do go out drinking quite a bit and am on some social networking sites....but at the moment i post more on here than there...

anyhow i'm going on about nothing....and really just dropped by to wish you well, and thank you for the advice.

green x

u should sa u dont realise how many ppl u dont really know that you do know in a sense!!! catch up with old school mates etc... internet dating is ok but you do get the odd minger or 6 lololololololol have started a new diary me like heres hoping i can go a year hahahah ye right i hope tc shell x

Day at a time Shell..day at a time 🙂

Ive been in a fit of rage this evening but am now wandering what it was all about. After a good day.. coffee with a friend and then down the gym I came home and then popped into work mode for a moment. Without saying what i do for a living ( I choose not to ).. i came across something that got my blood boiling.. and I do mean boiling.

You know sometimes when you get really angry and all sense and rationality goes out the window.. well thats what happened to me.. just for a moment i could have done anything.. eaten the neighbours cat or something.. lol.. am laughing now... but am sure you get the drift. what did I actually do..?? well i angrilly wrote am email to someone I trust and not to anyone where it may have had consequnces... thank god.

But then by the time i had finished the email I had started to calm down. I am now back to normal almost and am kind of thinking.. did i really get that angry over something thats not really anything to get my boxer shorts in a twist about.

To be honest part of me wants to burst into tears.. that would be no bad thing perhaps.. I feel better after tears.. natures way of healing.

I need a new job dont I ?? Ive been going on about work stress for 8 months.. my slip was in large part a reaction to work stress.. but better in a job than not in a job as everyone says. I am procrastinating.. saying that i want a new job but doing absolutely nothing about it.. I think there is a fear within me.. a fear that i am struggling to overcome.. I feel stuck.

No gambling though.. no gambling.. one day at a time... day 238 for me.. just been on the problemgamblingguides gamble free calculator. regards to all who read this.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA, thanks for the welcome back, I will really try hard this time, sounds like my school report used to say, "could do better", well today I do feel kinda more positive, but must admit that when I posted last night I had drunk about a bottle of wine to try to drown my sorrows so guess I am not feeling too good anyway today, however I will really try hard this time, at least I have taken out the only place left locally where I could gamble on the machines, just have to try to find a good escuse to tell my friend, any ideas? Think maybe it will have to be a little white lie. Hey hope that you are feeling calmer now after your rant, Best Wishes Bandit x

Hi SA

I feel your rage when you sound off like that. It does you good to have a good moan into the safety of your diary. Your time, regarding work, will come when it's good and ready. One day at a time we'll get there.

Get the jigsaw started (LOL)

Take care

Steve E

Cant sleep.. am all angry about stuff.. am not a happy chappy 🙁 .. it will pass I guess... cup of tea.. cant do any harm.

Hi SA

Way to go!

Get on to your diary and have a blast at it. Hope it has passed by now. You know it will.

Take care

Steve E

Its been a good day, both because its another gambling free day.. but also because I dealt with my emotions positively.. I talked to those I trust. I am now feeling much more on a level and at peace with myself. Regards to all who read this. S.A 🙂

Seems like everything I read at the moment is about people saying they are posting too much or its time to move away from the site or they are worried that they are becoming addicted to online forums or a general kind off feelings that its "sad" to hang around recovery forums cos its not life .. etc etc

Must admit its starting to have an effect on me.. but the fact remains that in the 8 months that I have been posting here in my diary on an almost daily basis I have not gambled. Am I a sad git I dont know.. reading some peoples comments you'd say i am lol Is their anything wrong with journalling?? ... isnt it just a positive thing.. am beginning to doubt myself.. should i follow the massess and make some statement about its time to move on bla bla... thanks folks but am off

Am a bit negative today... tired, weather dont help i guess. No gambling, no thoughts of gambling.. is it becuase i come here and say so that am not struggling or some other mystery reason. .. S.A

Hi S.A

Firstly apologies for posting on YG's site that payplan wasn't free. I should have checked my facts before giving an opinion..

But as to whether or not you are sad for journalling well only you can be the judge of that... I myself are one of the people who has said that I am going to post less, but I have my own thoughts on that.. I believe that it's the right thing for me to do.. If you believe that journalling is helping your recovery then post away my friend and don't let anybody tell you that you are wrong..

I think that this is a fantastic forum and I don't know were I would be without it, but it's time (I feel) for me to go to step 2.. I wish you all of the luck in the world with your recovery and keep posting as there are plenty of people that need the good solid advice that you give.. Danm