Hope

No say

You don't want to stop one addiction and start another for one year lol. No I guess you would be aware if the signs we're there? As you've done amazing and your my champion as I know if you can do it then so can I keep up the good work 

Thanks kev.... to be honest am not worried about alcohol. I use to binge drink many years ago but now am just an occasional social drinker and occasionally I get a bit P****d but I have no desire to return to the awful hangovers I had as a young man. My addiction remains with gambling. A few thoughts today, there is a screaming child in the flat underneath me, it makes me just want to go out, which i did, but with no money on me. kept myself safe. Had a jog earlier to....

Life goes on...

Keep up the good work s.a

We're all the same my friend but it's just that one day at a time as I know it's so easy to relapse I could've done something today myself as I've been so mad but I've got myself together jumped on the tablet and see if there was anyone out there I could help as that way I feel I've done something and not wanting to be a hypocrite telling someone else not to gamble and do it myself well that's helping at the minute anyway and I'm still going one day at a time and hopefully I'm still doing this in 10yrs time if I love that long I just know I don't want to mess up again as the kids have been through enough and I'm sleeping in the living room at moment and to be honest I'm happy with that, I don't go out I'm not a people's person so I'm fine if I'm left alone just posting on this site 

Good Morning S.A.

Thanks for my message yesterday.

My hamstring injury healed and I’ve actually ran 9 out of the past ten days. I’ll be going out in the pouring rain very shortly for a run with my son who’s doing great with his running. I enjoy running with him. 

From your previous post I couldn’t work out if you’d been paid recently and if you’d managed to not gamble. I hope not. I hope you can start to put real serious time under your belt in terms of gambling free days. 

Sorry to hear you’ve got a noisy kid below you but good if it gets you out running and walking. Exercise for body and mind is the best medicine for us broken souls. My running has done so much for me this year.

Anyway, as I said above, I really hope you get on a quit and fight like heck to protect it. 

Take care.

RR

Thanks RR... well iv'e jogged the last 3 days. I haven't realised how much weight iv'e been putting on, until facebook dredged up an old photo of me finishing a running race 6 years ago. I was thinner and fitter then. Middle aged spread catches up imperceptibly.. My best year was probably 2012, when i did 1 hour 44 for the half marathon and 4 hours "and some minutes" (unfortunately) for the marathon. Its all been down hill since then. Unsurprisingly when i was in to my running I wasn't gambling! Hint to self... go run, don't gamble.

Talking of gambling. I last gambled Friday 19th June.... and yes it was shortly after pay day and yes another pay day is just around the corner. Whilst i have many blocks I always manage to get around them if I really want to gamble. Am gonna ask if I can get paid weekly, cos i just haven't been able to cope with monthly pay for a long time now. Getting paid, paying bills, gambling the rest and living off fresh air for 4 weeks is no life at all... but that has been my life for 3 years plus now. Am astonishingly resilient if nothing else.

Life goes on...

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Thanks for dropping by! I shall take the challenge up and eat those toasts ?..not offering the drink as its no good for you so lets just stick to toast eating contest ? 

I found the pics marvellous yesterday! The one of you crossing the finish line is amazing one and you truly look so happy and shining with joy/pride!

The other is cute also...but you must take time out for yourself. To rest up and do what you like to do to bring that shining light back into your soul ?

And one of the ways to do so- is not gambling...you can do it and you will do it! Believe in yourself - ypu are so so worth it ?

S&B xx

Dear diary.... mental health is a strange thing. Sometimes I don't realise when am not very well. But today i feel generally in a good place. Its now day 4 since I was last at work and i finally feel like iv'e switched off from work stress and am starting to look around at what positive things i can do for myself and also just generally chill.

Its slightly tempered mind by the arrival of the police. I single officer is making a visit to the flat underneath me (I think, i might be wrong). I made a complaint on Sunday to the council, which is very unlike me, normally I tolerate my neighbours. I have a live and let live attitude, but I was growing completely frustrated with the noisy child she was having to stay over... the child would shout, scream, cry and bang things in the night... clearly a very unhappy child. I was getting little sleep and then having to go to work. I think I was in my rights to complain, I hope something positive comes of it. Must admit it has been completely silent since Sunday. Its only just crossed my mind that she may well be breaking the corona virus rules by having her grand kids staying over??... maybe not.

Anyway, back to me. Iv'e done some tidying, sorting out, chucking out, hoovering. Strangely it feels like a nice little achievement. I will run later and definately no gambling.

Thanks for listening.

Hi SA,

You seem in a good place right now. I’m happy to read that you’re getting out running. This is no coincidence- running makes us feel good, fit and healthy. Keep it up.

RR

Posted by: SB28

Hi SA,

 

Thanks for dropping by! I shall take the challenge up and eat those toasts ?..not offering the drink as its no good for you so lets just stick to toast eating contest ? 

 

I found the pics marvellous yesterday! The one of you crossing the finish line is amazing one and you truly look so happy and shining with joy/pride!

 

The other is cute also...but you must take time out for yourself. To rest up and do what you like to do to bring that shining light back into your soul ?

 

And one of the ways to do so- is not gambling...you can do it and you will do it! Believe in yourself - ypu are so so worth it ?

 

S&B xx

This got buried away yesterday...so just a bump!

Hope today is a good day!

Thanks SB x

Well iv'e not gambled. It kind of helps not having any money. Iv'e made a very small amount of money last a very long time and I still haven't got to payday. No early payment this month. In a way its probably a blessing in disguise. Iv'e gone through my annual leave having spent next to nothing and going for runs and walks. No money, no temptation. I will be back at work when i get paid at which point the pay day loan people will take a third of it automatically, rent and bills will take much of the rest but even then I will still be slightly better off than I currently am... it couldn't really be much worse

It does scare me living on nothing. All you need is something unexpected to happen that might involve money and am f****d. But then ive lived this way for so long that its become my normal. I do feel very depressed today am not sure why, so am glad my wages haven't arrived early. I think maybe the long run I did yesterday was wiped me out a bit. I over did it in my enthusiasm to get fit again. I forget am not 20 something anymore. I can't quite do what i use to be able to do. I suppose that's what it is anyway. Peversely I might actually go for a run in a bit, lift my mood, otherwise am just gonna go to bed and listen to the young child underneath, awaiting his next tantrum.

Life goes on...

Thanks for listening

Every day is different

Just been for a good run. Feeling loads better now.

Happy to be gamble free!

Maybe I have never ever been ready to stop. I wasn't going to post ever again, cos whats the point, if am just saying the same stuff over and over again and yet doing the same actions over and over again i.e gambling. It sure is a baffling addiction isn't it?? I can just envisage certain people shaking their heads with disbelief at my continued gambling despite all my supposed wisdom, knowledge and self-awareness.

However I am compelled to write. My mate has just shown up, gaunt looking and exhausted and yet still working (Argos van outside), hasn't eaten for days he says, raging headache...and I believe him, cos ive seen it before. I checked once, I showed up at his flat and saw it completely devoid of any nourishment, not a slice of bread, not an old jar of pickled onions, absolutely nothing. He's a proud man and only ask for anything when he is so desparate that he has no idea what else to do... I guess many of us can relate to this.... ( he is gambling of course)

Well I thought to myself am not hungry and I have food and a few quid in the bank, so I gave him a fiva. He says that's like a million pounds at the moment. I says "I know". I says "I got two loafs of bread for 30p the other day". Its amazing how far a small amount of money can go when necessary. He's just left... to continue delivering "stuff", much of which folk probably don't really need.

So, there we go, am still here. I haven't gambled for a few days. I could gamble what i have left  (until am hungry like my mate), but I don't want to. We have the freedom to choose.

I have asked to go to weekly pay and they have said yes. I don't know whether this will help me or not, but what is clear is that I haven't been able to cope with living on a small amount of money for 4 weeks and then suddenly have 4 figures land in my account. I just get too excited and my emotional brain takes over, all sense and logic just goes out the window. There was a time when I could cope with it and not gamble but not for the last 3 years that's for sure.

Strangely my mental health is not too bad just now. I had a run this morning, which is always good. Had a twinge in the leg so i cut the run short. I don't want to get injured. Work is ok I can cope and i do genuinely hold out hope that I can have a better quality of life and actually start to enjoy life for whatever length of time i have left on this planet.

Thanks for listening.... And for anyone who is new to the devastating consequences of gambling addiction, please use my experiences to keep yourself motivated to stay away from that first bet, cos otherwise having gambling problems in your twenties can soon become "still" having gambling problems in yours 40's and beyond...

Hi SA,

Just noticed your post. Once you stop posting then you give up on yourself. I’ve been there done that, hid away and things got worse fast. You’ve not given up on yourself. I’ll never give up responding and trying to be as supportive as I can. You’re a good person with a bad problem. I can relate to that.

I hope your change to weekly pay helps. I’d love to think you could take advantage of tackling your issues one week at a time i.e. pay bills, pay a little debt and have a little to be kind to yourself. I hope it doesn’t provide the opportunity for weekly gambling.

You have to keep trying. Yesterday I went 300 days without gambling. Before that I was in a terrible state. I’d just lost thousands and had lost the plot. You can change anytime but you’ll really need to want it. You can do it. I’m sure you know this.

Anyway, as you say, you’re still here, you still have your health, you have a job that really matters and you’re brilliant at it. You’re a nice, caring man and you can really, really change you’re life. This is well within your remit.

Take care buddy.

RR

Hi SA wether you post you are gamble free or that you have gambled your story and posts are inspiring to me. To err is human and all of us working with recovery are trying to find out individual paths. I try and read everyone's threads and gain someting even negative posts can be positive for me to think" that's exactly what I don't want " ! So I would say keep posting SA no good will come from stopping. Best wishes

Thanks both

Yes I have to keep trying. Though often I just feel like iv'e gone so far off course in life that there is no way to get back on track, if I was ever on track in the first place and its just a question of waiting for the end however that might happen. Am not suicidal or anything but quite often I don't really want to be alive anymore. I can't really see any purpose other than helping others at the end of their lives, which is a purpose of course but beyond that I feel nothing, like an empty vessel. I think my soul got fed up and f****d off to Spain and now its not coming back cos its got to quarantine.

Just got off the phone to my dad, we haven't spoken for a while. He asks the usual questions. Going on holiday this year?? nope... Girlfriend?? nope... Got some wheels?? nope. I could sense that he wanted to ask THAT question, but he didn't, so in turn I didn't have to say that ive got just enuff money to feed myself and am likely to go into rent arrears... but deep down he probably knows. he's heard it all before.. whats the point. Yes this is a bit of a pity party, but its actually good that am writing, cos when am really bad am just lying in the foetal position trying to motivate myself to move and do something constructive.... 

On a positive I met my mate up town this morning.. walk and talk.. and then i went for a run.. which in turn motivated me to phone my dad and say hello. So, anyway despite my pity party its actually an ok day today.

Thanks for listening