Hope

Hi S.A .Well I'm going to join the pity party for a minute. 4 things today have been positive walk,talk, run,caught up with your dad(obviously something you find challenging). If your legacy is that you help other people then that is a wonderful legacy to have. You do help people I appreciate most the posts like yourself that are honest and truthful and even though you don't feel great at the moment you are still encouraging others. Hope tomorrow brings a bit of lift for you. Take care 

Hey, thanks for the post SA,

Let me just start with - you are a good person. It hurts to see you in pain and in low emotional state but as you say - you're doing everything in your power to stay afloat. Here is run, here is call to dad...these are positive things. 

Dont even mention your help for elderly! Its an amazing contribution to this world! 

re.....well...end of life...

Its complicated reality huh. Yesterday i saved someone's life ( or maybe they wouldn't of gine through with it...who knows!) by simply having a long wounded conversation ..not perfect and maybe a bit messed up...and not relevant to the topic even. ..yet, it worked! Person was willing to give life another shot and went to see MH team in hospital as a result...

Now..the tricky bit...i come back home and feel like ending it all myself. Its beyond my understanding really! Why i cannot tell the things to myselg i tell others to make that little light at the end of the tunnel....caring stuff, "YOU ARE WORTH IT, IT WILL GET BETTER" stuff....a bit of food for thought here i guess..

Struggling with excersice man! Dont know how to get out of this mind f**k for sure.. my brain just not having it and that's it ?..any suggestions running man ??

re the anger outlets..ha! Made me laugh...you're right,  i can be a temporary tornado sweeping everywhere and then just calm as nothing happened. I do rant a lot..esp at work, i kinda have my "diarrhoea" moment with swearing amd cursing and them just get on with it. Good job everyone knows me by now lol...

My outlet used to be gamble..and then gym! Now...im back to the "caring" arms of my "cousin" A....not good but...lets see how i manage it all going forwards.

Hope you have a good day! Sorry for a long post....about ME ME ME on your thread ?

S&B xx

Good Morning SA,

I hope you’re having a nice few days. Has your weekly pay started yet and if so how is that going?

I hope your getting out for a few runs.

Take care.

RR

Thanks both. I think about your thoughts.

Its a new month, which in my world is always a bit of a relief because it means am rounded the bend for the home straight towards another pay day, but as you rightly say RR this month it will be the start of weekly pay, so come mid month I will get a quarter of what I usually get. This will present initial difficulty because my pay day revolving lender loan company will take what they are due immediately, leaving me with enough to feed myself but not enough to pay rent. There systems will then detect a "change of circumstances" (cos its not the usual 4 figures going in) and my account maybe frozen so I can't reborow to pay rent. This is what my "catastrophising" head is telling me anyway. In reality of course I will sort it, its just a phone call to make... but trust me being on the financial edge like "all the time" is no joke... and why do i do this to myself??.. Answer, because of my compulsive need to play slots and chase some stupid feature....  I am trully tired of being such a sick puppy. I think being paid weekly will help me to stay stopped.... I haven't been able to cope with living like a pauper for 4 weeks and then having "4 figures land in my account" At the back of my mind am really looking forward to living a normal life once again, something which I have tasted before and i want to taste again.

Am extremely fatigued and very tired today. The last few days iv'e been up at 4 have done long walks to work and back in the heat. I have been thinking and acting creatively about how to feed myself. Am like a mouse ferreting about in other people's left overs in order to get by. One by-product of the pandemic is the goverment has been providing boxes of food for vulnerable people whom have been shielding. Now the reality at my place of work is that shielding people tend to have the such well stocked cupboards that in the event of nuclear war, they'd be just fine, so in reality they don't want the government extra's...so it lies around in the office doing nothing and how shall we say... while the cat's away the mice will play.

Anyway, life goes on. Today am feeling quite resilient and looking forward to better times. Iv'e gone from "not really wanting to be alive anymore" to "living each day as it comes" and "accepting life on life's terms".

Thanks for listening

Hi SA I to have always done the catastrophising thing sends your anxiety through the roof. Weekly pay I think is much easier to budget and I think gambling wise is better as you say you don't suddenly get that large lump of money in your account. Waiting nearly a week without money is not such a catastrophe but for your peace of mind you need to sort out the bills. I'm glad you are trying to change your mind to 'each day as it comes,' as living as you have been is draining and debilitating and that's hard. My wish for today is for peace, and hope for the future . Best wishes

Thanks Charlieboy 🙂

Well no gambling since last post...am into double figures, that's got to be a good thing. Am so looking forward to living normally, cos at the moment am extremely fatigued from all the walking to work and back, just to save a few quid on bus fares. On a work day I must walk more than 10 miles. If I had a step counter it would be off the scale. Still another week until I start getting paid weekly. As have said before I think it well help not suddenly having 4 figures land in my account.

My mate phoned me, he's reached his pay day and was enjoying a take away. I look forward to being able to get a takeaway as and when i feel like it. I seem to spend my time walking past fish n chip shops... the smell is intoxicating. If only bookmakers smelt like pig s**t... it might make it easier not to walk in 🙂

Anyway, live goes on....

Thanks for listening

No gambling since last post. It seems like an absolute age since I last got paid, but at some point this week some money will enter my bank account to be swiftly removed by my online lender. Hopefully I will be able to pay some rent and the subscription for my internet, or, it may have to wait and my services will get suspended for a while. So if am not about for a bit then that will be the reason. Once am through my immediate financial crisis, then being paid weekly will be better for me. I just don't want the temptation of hundreds of pounds landing once a month. I only need "just enough" as I continue to try and break my routine/habit of gambling my money away.

I have become accustomed to struggling, to living on the edge, to surviving until the next day, to jumping on the band wagon of instant gratification. I have become accustomed to personal misery, hidden behind a veil of smiles and cheerfulness. I have become accustomed to living apart from others, which fits perfectly with this man made virus infecting the world. Its the perfect virus for modern society, don't you think? Little effect on the young and healthy (the obedient workers of the future) but killing off some of the old and unhealthy... a cleverly engineered virus, great for introducing yet more monitoring and control.

Anyway I remind myself that I must learn to look after myself and be good to myself, cos nobody else is gonna do it for me. The past is gone, there is always hope even when i don't think that there is. Today I have hope.

Thanks for listening.

P.s Am still waiting for the BBC to explain how they new that building 7 was going to collapse before it even happened... I guess younger people will not have a clue what am talking about.

You sound like you see the world as it really is. A brave form of consciousness indeed! 

I'd like to reflect that you sound healthier, more balanced and insightful. I'm excited for you, in that you are making progress by making changes - you just haven't gotten to the part where you get to enjoy the fruits of your actions. It will come.

f x

Tia for your post and a wagging finger! You almost sound like my sister lol

I wouldn't mind weekly pay either. I guess managing "the monthly bundle" is not as easy as it appears. It goes in just to go out in a flash! I usually struggle towards the end of month, start checking balance every day (sometimes 3 times a day) and try to work out what is left, what i still need to get, compare the previous month and so on...viciuos cycle and touch of obsession now i put it in writing ? ...

Anyway, hope it works out for you. Kinda think its easier to put some pennies aside also from this weekly pay scheme.

I hear what you say about overtime. I know i overdid it last week. It was right carousel of work. Helped me in a way as i just stuck into it. Its dangerous waters really..like a trap, even my boss said that...its just difficult to get out once you dip your toes in extra money. ..but, as rightly pointed out by someone - the more you earn -the more you spend. I just really struggle financially if dont do extra hours. My pay is pretty low as im "new" to the organisation. 

Taxi wasn't that much...only £20 and i did contemplate the alternative - walk all 15miles back. Maps suggested the estimate of 3.5hrs..... Somehow talked myself out of it..i was high on painkillers so God knows where i would of ended up in...esp on a busy roads ...besides i missed lil girl and wanted to get bk to her ASAP. 

So...we keep walking this walk of life. Step at a time. Few stumbles, few hills, few roundabouts...yet, we are continue to place that foot in front of another..

And for that we must be proud. Its not a race...all at our own paces.

Enjoy your day, its sunny and warm...maybe a run?(ps. Im slowly getting bk to gym routine...nice and steady)

S&B xx

Thanks both 🙂

Am just checking in from the library. My desk top computer finally died on me. It actually started smoking and I thought it was going to catch fire. So now am forced to connect to the internet via my smart phone like most of the population and whilst its fine for paying bills and reading info, its useless for long rambling forum posts and it would take me an age to post from a phone.... so here I am in a cool well ventilated and socially distanced library. 

Am gonna see what life is like without a computer at all. I was of course hopelessly addicted to my faithful desk top. First thing i'd do in the morning was switch it on. First thing i'd do when I got home was switch it on. It was always on for idle surfing and anything you'd care to mention of an escapist flavour. So if am honest with myself I am better off without it. Forces me to engage with the world a bit more. Lets see how it goes.

Iv'e also just gone over to weekly pay, which am real happy about. So now I will not have 4 figures landing in my account once a month. Mt addiction loved that. I think it will help me not to gamble and just to live a more normal life. 

Thanks for listening.... and warm regards to all those that know me and also to those that don't.

I will be back, just not so often.

S.A 

Hi SA,

Sorry I’ve not checked in with you in the past week.

I hope you’re ok.

RR

Hi SA,

Youve went off radar so I’m just sending a quick message to say that I hope all is OK.

Speak soon.

RR

Thanks for dropping by to check up on me RR and hi to everyone. Its been a month, so time for a socially distanced update from the library.

Unfortunately I have gambled since my last post, but I remain hopeful for the future. When I gamble nowadays I zone out very quickly. It matters not if I start to win or I start to lose. Its all a loss in the end both financially and and more importantly for my mental health. 95% of the time I do see the complete futility of my gambling but am still a work in progress on that remaining 5 %.

Debts are coming back to haunt me. I am now the proud owner of an attachment of earnings. I did try to sort it out, but its nigh on impossible to speak to the DWP.... so I will just take it on the chin. My employer hasn't said anything as yet. I notice that as soon as debt companies were once again allowed to start collecting debts I was contacted again by most of my creditors. For the most part I have been good and had conversations with them all. I have finally decided to bring my expensive rolling credit facility to an end, cos all I was doing was paying them back a bit and then immediately re-borrowing. They have now just become another debt. Thank fully no rent arrears as I type.

Work reflects the pandemic. As soon as the schools went back staff started going off to self-isolate, cos their children caught a cold and got sent home and then of course there are delays in getting a test and getting the result. This was all very pre-dictable. The government has made a pigs ear of it. I am nervous about being required to self-isolate cos I don't get sick pay. That genuinely worries me cos am so much on the financial edge.

Iv'e been enjoying some nice runs, but don't really socialise at all. To be honest I have no desire to go for a socially distanced pint and have to give my details out. I will wait to things begin to get back to whatever the new normal eventually turns out to be.

So there we go. On balance not a lot has changed but am still alive and today the sun shines. I do love being out in nature. Am always going for walks when am not going for runs. I like being outdoors.

My time is nearly up. Warmth and smiles. I will be back

S.A x

Hi SA,

Lovely to hear from you. I hope your debts don’t cause you too much stress and you find a way to pay these down while offering you a comfortable life.

Sorry to learn that you gambled. I still live in hope that you’ll find the strength to end this cycle. You can do it - I know this with certainty.

RR

Good Morning S.A.

I had to climb down to the fourth page to find you. I hope you’re ok buddie. You’ve got me worried about you. I hope you pop in and say hi.

RR