Hey
Hey all. I need urgent assistance please. I have discovered my husband has a severe gambling addiction. For context, my husband earns 192k per year. I earn 35k (on maternity leave so even less right now). I was recently pressured to get 30k from my dad for him. I was naive and got this easily for him. Although he had told me about gambling years ago, I really didn’t think it was a major issue.
I am absolutely furious. He hasn’t paid the mortgage for four months. We have absolutely zero money. I can’t buy my kids anything because he has gambled it all. He also tells me he has taken approx 70k from other members of his family.
i have told him I’m willing to stand by him but only if he seeks help. He has assured me he’ll block his card from gambling 4 days ago. This still hasn’t happened. He gets paid 15k in 2 days and I just know we’re going to be back to square one. I am particularly angry as I knew he was a high earner but he never disclosed his actual wage (I have found this through digging).
He has given me nothing for years. I work for my own money. He has lied to me consistently for three years. He appears to want no help. Do I have any option but to leave him?
He has turned into the most horrible person too. He is nasty beyond belief. I am 10 years younger than him and he just belittles me daily now.
I do not have a good relationship with his family but do I need to tell them? I am worried we are about to lose our house (which will be so humiliating for my daughter as her biological dad did the same thing through C*****e addiction). She is going to have lost everything twice.
please help
Dear lmc,
Welcome to the Forum
Thank you for sharing your situation, It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment. You (understandably) have a lot of questions. Given the time-frame until next payday you described I would encourage you to reach out for support for yourself and speak to one of our Advisors on the National Gambling Helpline is available 24 hours a day on 0808 8020 133.
We also have Friends & Family Chatroom sessions Tuesdays 12.00-1.00pm and Thursday 6.00-8.00pm Chatrooms - GamCare
Homepage - National Domestic Abuse Helpline support is available 24/7 as you have described daily belittling which may fall under verbal abuse.
Hopefully you will receive some helpful and insightful peer comments soon.
Best wishes,
Louise
Forum Admin
Hi LMC
I'm so sorry to read your post especially as I come from your husband's side of the fence. Louise has sent you some good places to seek support and I would strongly urge you to get some. You haven't done anything wrong but I can read the pain in your post and it's brave to come on here and want to sort things out, however that ends up looking like.
Further to Louise's comments there are plenty of groups online and in person to support family of gamblers with rooms full of affected people that can help. Gamanon is that side of gamblers anonymous and they have meetings all over the country. Gamfam and Breakeven do as well plus many others.
I don't know if this will help or hinder but I'm going to reply and help if I can.
Firstly, gambling addiction is a mental illness. It's diagnosed that was in the NHS and it takes over our minds. Your husband is no doubt in full addiction and acting like a different person. I'm not trying to say it's not his fault but it's a fact and he needs help. He has to get that help and want to stop. I gambled for 44 years and never wanted to stop but 224 days ago I did and have spent that time since making sure I never go back by working on myself, thoughts and the way I act to be the best version of myself I can each day.
In terms of debt it's worth talking to Stepchange. I would also suggest getting a credit report under your name and ask him to show his. He needs to come clean and empty the entire dustbin so you can start fresh.
There are blocks and barriers he can put in place but you need to as well. It's not unusual for a gambler to be so desperate that they use other people's names.
Firstly there is Gamstop. Through this you can also access other self exclusion like Moses for bookmakers and sense for casinos. Gamstop will stop gambling on all UK online betting operators.
Next is Gamban. It's about 5 pounds per month and can be installed on all family laptops, computers and phones. It literally stops all access to any worldwide including ones not on Gamstop. If he works for a company they will usually agree to have it installed on his computer there as well.
Next is the banks. All banks allow him to stop all gambling transactions and can also remove access to cash via ATM or reduce the limit right down.
He needs to turn over control of all finances to you. If he won't then you need to check his app and cash each day. That might sound like treating him as a child but it's important and should be non negotiable
Once that's in place, he would need to find recovery which is different for everyone. He can join here, talk to the advisors, come to the chatrooms and get counselling through Gamcare. He can attend GA and learn a lot there.
He needs to take this seriously as it's not easy
Can I make one more suggestion ? Talk calmly to him. Say you will support him but all secrets need to come out. Maybe don't confront him but instead say, tomorrow at 7pm for instance we need to sit down and discuss this in full as I'm at breaking point. Then have a level headed conversation with him.
It's down to him if he decides to stop and I can assure you there is an incredible life beyond gambling. He also can be the best version of himself in the future, he just needs to want it and do the work
My absolute best wishes to you
Great advice from Stuart here. Sounds like to me you need to put in the ultimatum that if he isn't willing to change then you have to leave. Doesn't sound to me from what you say as if it's a very healthy relationship currently that's not to say it can't work but you need to both sit down and talk things over.
@lp5vut869c hey ❤️ just want to say thank you so so much for this reply removed link He has just signed up to gamstop for 5 years so this is a massive step forward!
He has been paid today and has already paid mortgage etc (I have seen evidence). I am shocked he has taken steps so quickly tbh as he was only really caught about 10 days ago.
thank you for your kindness! You should be so proud of yourself too for overcoming such an addiction. I am a medical professional and have been reading up on it since my husbands admission. I can’t beleive how ignorant I have been towards gambling addiction! It can’t be easy at all. Well done xxx
Hi Lmc this is wonderful news however is their any chance he can join this website too he can start a his his dairy on here which is great for accountablity and their people on here who can resonate and offer advice he not alone in this battle sometimes it helps talking to like minded people from my own experience this site made a massive difference towards my recovery your partner needs some form of on going recovery i have been in recovery since 2010 and in december 2022 was recomended this site and since then i have improved im a regular on this site over 3 years clean yes it possible in my opinion key to success is giving time towards recovery im still learning the process the main thing is helping me remain bet free
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