Hope

Hi SA

Thanks as always for the post on my diary, did you get your haircut??

I have never been to GA meetings and unlikely to this is mainly due to childcare issues and the meetings in my area only run in the evenings. Not realy sure it is for me anyway...

Gambling addiction i would also say it is like an illness or an illness in itself, my self control seems to evapourate when i used to gamble. I know why i gambled it was not always about trying to win that jackpot more about escaping from myself... If i never gambled i reckon i would have been addicted to drugs or alcahol, which is worse, i have no idea???

Anyway dribbling over, think i need a bib lol!

thanks again and take care, ands

ps, quick question... do you eat properly now that you are not gambling??? i am trying to now.

Hi ands.. thanks for dropping in.

Do I eat properly now i am not gambling? I guess the quick answer to that is Yes. When i was gambling I ate alot from fast food outlets. I ate alot of crisps and chocolate and drank alot of sugary coffee.

I now rarely eat macdonalds.. though still go Subway quite alot and eat less chocky and crips and less sugary coffee. I cook more and eat more fruit and vege. I aint perfect bu I am better than i was and have lost a little weight though cos i cant run anymore ive put a bit back on. But overall i think.. healthy body healthy mind rings true.

Anyway not much else to say. am gonna try and pull back from the day to day recording of my thoughts and general moods and stuff. I realise I can be a bit emotionally all over the place sometimes but I accept this and manage it. I shall write in my diary when something significant happens or I feel a real need. In any case its getting very long... very long diaries seem a little out on a limb somehow. I like not to be too noticeable. I guess at some point i will start a new diary. anyways all for now... keep safe everyone.. S.A 🙂

Just dropping in to your diary SA to say hi!

I know what you mean about long diary mine is also very long and is my second one.

I just want to say how supportive you have been to me and others and hope you will continue so. But I hope you also do not get a 'diary addiction' feeling you have to post everyday if you are a lot stronger now!

I think the fact your diary is long like myself is at least we have been writing down our thoughts and moods and it helps you to recover. That is not to say just becaue you write a long diary you will reach recovery any quicker it just shows you are soul searching and making the effort.

Maybe you have reached the stage where you can pull the reigns back in and be able to devote more time to other things. Good on you. But never forget the demons are there lurking as we all know.

Your friend

Awayout

Thanks for your post SA,

I have to say, as I get further into your diary I realise you have many ups and downs yourself too. I think because your posts on other diaries seem so wise and balanced, I presumed you had found some magic cure to lifes daily problems, and were very happy and chilled out.

I guess im realising that none of us are without our mood swings and struggles. They dont just go away when you stop gambling.

Im on to page 50 something now, so should be up to date in February or so, lol.

The lollipop lady role does appeal to me (mainly as there are no colleagues!) but Im waiting to see something on paper about the terms and conditions before I decide. It would just set me back if the hours were just occasional or there was no job security in it. Things like paid holiday leave and a decent period of notice entitlement would need to be in place. Anyway, we shall see!

Im glad for you that you went part time if it has improved your emotional wellbeing. I am realistically looking at part time work in the longer term too. Things are so much easier to deal with when you are only there a few days a week.

Take care,

f x

Hi I just read a few of the last entries on this thread and i just wanted to add that i have just started my journey to recovery (i hope). However the questions raised regarding why people gamble and the responses are very much similar to my own reasons. i thought it was because i wanted to win and liked the feeling of winning but when i got into it deep and big time i found it was more about losing myself in my own little world not need to think of any of the problems of the world. I have a stressful job and a family that has a lot of problems especially my sons alcohol problems and i found myself really escaping to the point of ignoring the door bell when it rang or avoiding answering the phone. So i thought i would just share those thoughts with you yes there seems to always be a reason why people gamble. I beleive if people did the soul searching they will find out why the turned to gamble.

Thanks Awayout, Freda and Tinap. Its always nice to get replies. Rest assured I shall be parachuting into your diaries sometime soon.

I am having a good day today. I feel like writing my thoughts. I am starting to get better.. not from gambling addiction I might add (I will get onto that in a bit) but from my leg injury.

I went to see the physio yesterday and he took one look at my leg and said what did the x-ray show and i said I havent had one and he said get one done. Anyway we had a chat about symptoms and when its painful etc and he said its highly likely that i have a stress fracture underlying the tendon. This would explain the localised pain and the fact that the pain eases off when i rest. The pain is when i weight bare and the fact that its taking along time to recover suggests that new bone growth needs to take which doesnt happen quickly when i'm still using the leg lol

I see what happened very clearly now. Its an over use injury. It started off probably with microscopic cracks in the bone whcih because I was training too intensively started to grow which led to pain which i ignored because i was training for a half-marathon. I paid the price. If it hurts do not run. I have learnt my lesson.

Anyway the good news its that ive started to recover. I can walk almost normally for short distances.. the stroger anti-inflam pain killers are helping and the little swelling there was is starting to go down. Am as sure as i can be that i have avoided permanent disablity and I will make a complete recovery. Phew!!!

Ths plan now is swimming and working out my upper body and no running at all until after xmas. When the physio gives me the all clear I shall go and get a gait analysis done.. ie make sure that i have trainers which are right for me and my running style. I will also never again do the stupid running that i was doing before. At times i was running like a half-marathon on the tread mill one day and then 12 km the following day and then 15 km the following day. I am not an elite athlete lol

I am average man. I must run within my capabilities. My bones, my muscles, my ligaments, my joints, my tendons, my body needs rest between workouts. I need recovery, I need rest. My body needs rest. My body is a temple I need to treat it as such. I will not abuse my body until it breaks. This sort of complusive behaviour is now in the past. Compulsive running has not done me any good... everything in in moderation.

It is this sort of experince that reminds me that i have obsessive compulsions and when i get hooked into something I find it very hard to stop.. there is no off switch. There is no reason to believe that if i gambled again that i would suddenly develope an off switch. I intend not to take that risk one day at a time.

I have history of being compulsive with many things. I sometimes drink compulsively though i do not consider myself an alcoholic. I drink sensibly until a certain point. Once drunk i do not care... though I do not get totally legless. I sometimes eat compulsively.. i cannot have family sized bags of crisps or several packets of biscuits in my flat cos i will eat them in one session. Even with this diary writing there is a level of compulsion about it.... but this is almost a wholly healthy thing I think. Nothing wrong with deep intro-spection.

This diary is still a gambling free zone and i intend to keep it that way.

Anyway time for tea... rice and tuna and pea's. Regards to all who read this.. keep safe.. S.A 🙂

Hi S.A;

Reading your last post has helped me realise that gambling is often just another facet of a person's compulsive behaviour. I am beginning to see that this is true for me. For example, I am a compulsive procrastinator. I look at a piece of coursework, assess how long it will take, and then obsess over tonnes of other things in the meantime, occasionally looking back at the work just to decide I don't want to start it yet. If, for example, I decide that it will take 7 hours to complete the work, then even if I have 3 months to do it, I will sit up through the night the day before it is due in a frenzied 7-hour session.

I also get a bit compulsive at games. I am playing online games a bit more since I stopped gambling and when it rewards you with points and a ranking it's almost like gambling, though obviously without the loss of money and everything else that goes with it. But I often obsess about reaching the next milestone ranking, and when I reach it I am never satisfied and push for the next milestone only to lose it all again. The same way my gambling worked.

Anyway, I think "everything in moderation" is a worthy maxim to follow; although I want to personally make an exception to that rule for excessively harmful addictions that I know I will not be able to moderate, such as gambling.

I hope you recover soon; take it easy.

SGL

HI SA

Ahhhhh so you are a binge drinker? ive probably seen you on booze britain. Seriously tho, theres no shame about having a good blow out every now and again( alcohol), only damage really is a hangover and a promise never to drink again.....whereas on the other hand a gambling blow out or binge can harm us much more.

Anyway hope ur walking fine again and keep up the great work in not gambling, it really is a tough addiction and you deserve credit for taking control. Take care.

neil

Hi Sa

Thanks for your post on my diary kid any help or advice is appreciated.I hope you dont mind but i was reading throgh the new additions to the diaries , and said Dopamine should have a read of your diary and maybe ask you for some advice towards their recovery as they share the same poison as you and you have done so well on your recovery.

keep up the good work SA all the best Jeff.

Thanks for your thoughts everybody. I reflect on them as always.

Ive been a bit down the last couple of days and the general state of my flat reflects that. Though my mood is lifting a bit today. I have learnt over time that I can just sit with my feelings whatever they may be and not act upon them in a self-destructive way. In the past i would have been straight to some arcade convincing myself that it was all about winning some money. I know now that it was much more to do with mood altering than money.

Am just back from getting my leg x-rayed. I don't suppose it will show anything. I am healing now at long last. A good few weeks b4 I can run again but I am healing.. thats the main thing. I will do it properly this time.. not over do it. Mix running with other exercise and with rest days. I am not 18 I cannot run like an 18 year old.

Nothing much else to say.. the steady rythm of my life continues. regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Hello S.A.

I'm glad to hear your mood has lifted a little. I too feel alot more comfortable in my own thoughts and dont feel that urgency to hide behind a poker table when the going gets tough. Inevitably, gambling only ever prolongs the misery.

Great the leg is healing too and your aware of your 'compulsive behaviours'. Life is steady which beats that dangerous bumpy rollercoaster we've sat on for so long. Life is so much better without that 'aftermath sickly' feeling. Take good care.

😛 now my smiley face has a nose and a tongue lol, all the best 🙂

Hi S.A,

As always thanks for your thoughts, i think many of us in life have the same or similar feelings on things and it's always good to know you/i am not alone.

Glad the leg is healing slowly but surely, must be tough as i know the running had become a big part of your life, but with all injuries time and treatment really are the only cure.

Keep well my friend, your story and posts always help me along my road to a better future.

green x

S.A thanks for your post on my diary it means a lot to get a little post to keep my spirits up. Someone like you is an inspiration on here. Stay strong with regards your gamble free time good look with your leg healing but most of all keep smiling 🙂

Thanks everyone for dropping in 🙂

Another day dawns gambling free... 537 days without a bet to be precise. I don't count anymore but sometimes i can't help but put my date of my last bet into an addiction counter. Like it says on that site, its a motivational tool. Although its not the distance to the last bet that matters today I do give myself a pat on the back for what I have acheived.

Not a great deal else to say really. The steady rhythm of life continues. Working recovery a day at a time as always. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂

Dear Diary,

I been down the gym today. The devil was sitting on the treadmill beckoning me over but I was strong. I new any sort of running would be a non-starter. My injury is healing now but I know it's going to be some time before running is an option. I had my senisble hat on.. 10 minutes on the bike was ok but mainly I concentrated on arms and tummy and then a swim and sauna. A healthy all round work out which is what I should have done from the start.

No thoughts of gambling but I know within myself that I have to keep working my recovery on a daily basis or i start to slip back to old ways and old thinking. I'd love to be one of these people that posts every now and again to say that all is well and life is good but for me I still do need to use this place a little more intensively.. until I find myself more support in the real world.

In many ways this recovery forum seems to follow the pattern of Ga.. although I guess it has not been around long enough to make any clear comparisons. What I mean is that most people who arrive here tend not to stick around for that long, some of us sustain recovery for a while only to slip back and as far as i can see only a few stick around for the long term.

For me my recovery is like constant renewal. I forget quickly. I know i could return at any point but I choose not to. I have seen it on the forums and at Ga many times. I had also returned to gambling after a long abstinence. Before i arrived at this forum I had stopped for 2 years 9 months and 14 days. I worked it out today. I am curently a few days shy of 18 months.

Am still not the happiest of souls though.. this i must admit. I do face my reality with my head held high but it all seems a bit samey and monotonous sometimes. The danger for me is continuing to tread water and to not finding the courage to make changes and try new things and step out of my comfort zone.

Am gonna go back on the dating game I think. I think it would help if i was all loved up... in fact am sure it would. lol Is the bottom line of addiction (any addiction) the following... people are either lonely and want to be in a relationship and they arent OR they are in a relationship that they dont want to be in but feel trapped.... the addiction becomes the unhealthy way to escape.

My answer to that is that it all comes back to "self".. happiness and contentment comes from within.. I think this because i read about so many people on these forums that are seemingly in happy relationships but are gambling like mad. I guess addiction doesnt care whether one is loved up or not.

Anyway what was going to be a short post has morphed into something a bit longer. Regards to all who read this... S.A 🙂