My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.
I really did not have a clue what to expect when I walked in to the spiritual recovery program, the healthy people in the spiritual recovery program helped me understand that I was not an evil person, that I was not a bad person that I was not dumb, that I was not worth less or useless.
The simple fact I was just emotionally vulnerable, the addictions and obsessions were only the symptoms that I was just emotionally vulnerable, the addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping people life and situations I could not cope with.
How many times did a person swap an addiction to another addiction, simple because they were not healing, that they were still not able to cope?
When is an obsession an obsession, if we are stimulated by some thing or avoiding facing scaping people life and situations, how can we tell, it is the fact that an obsession puts our life out of balance?
Every action has consequences, every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences, every healthy action has healthy consequences, the healthy consequences are pride confidence self esteem self-worth, we in time move from hating our self to learning loving our self, to learning to respect our self, learning not to feel guilt shame or regret, feel guilt shame resentments or regret are living in the pans fears and frustrations of our past.
The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program helped me understand that today I am not the same person I was that first walked in to the recovery program, that hurt inner child has cried so many tears, that hurt inner child has been able to heal his pains and learned to forgive everyone including himself.
The spiritual recovery program helped me help myself, the spiritual recovery program did not stop me gamble, that was my choice, the spiritual recovery program did not make me stronger, that was going to be my choice.
The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program helped me to be emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards all forms of gambling, to no longer love gambling how absurd is that, to no longer have hatred towards gambling establishments, to no longer have any fears towards gambling establishments.
Today I am more self-sufficient, today I no longer come out in rage, today I do not fear the law I respect it, today I do not fear change I embrace it, today I do not fear being honest, I embrace being honest.
Today I am able to be more productive, my life is in more balance, today I do not fear emotional intimacy, today I do not mistrust or fear a hand shake, today I do not mistrust or fear an affectionate hug.
How much have I grown today, how much can I give of myself today, how much empathy I have for other people indicates how much empathy I have for my hurt inner child today.
Once you have reached your lowest of lowest rock bottom then the only way to go is up.
It is difficult to even remember the last time I talked about money or lost money, it is difficult to even remember when I talked about money I lost, it is difficult to remember what it is like to live in permanent fear.
I use to fear the postman, I use to fear the telephone ringing, I use to fear strangers at the front door, I use to fear going anywhere near the gambling establishments.
How long in recovery did it take for me understand that control issues were fear based, how long in recovery did it take for me to give my very first therapy and expose the pains that were with in me.
To move from trauma to awareness is very powerful, the leg twitching was trauma based, the tension in my draw was trauma based, the fear or emotional intimacy was trauma based.
The money I stool from my family and strangers was not which caused the most pains, the thing that hurt people was their trust was betrayed, their trust was not only lost with me but with other people in their future life.
When I am asked how I am, if I say I am fine is it the truth, when I am asked how I am is it a question or an observation, if I say I am fine is it a lie or a deception. Am I not being myself?
The serenity prayer is not religious to me, if I am playing the victim is the serenity prayer saying I can not stop being the victim,
The serenity prayer if I am playing the perpetrator is the serenity prayer saying I cannot stop being hurting people, is the serenity prayer saying that I can stop myself from being angry, is the serenity prayer saying that I can be more at peace with myself.
If people believe in what I do or say is their responsibility, the thing I know the truth. My family found it very hard to believe in me or trust me that was expected. I had betrayed their trust on countless occasions.
I do know that when I walked in to the spiritual recovery program GA back in 1969 in England, I did not have a clue what recovery was all about. Did I honestly think I could trust these people after all they were all admitted liars?
It was a year before I got married. After four meetings I did not associate myself with those people, I was in denial and thought I knew better for myself.
The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program helped me understand that recovery means getting healthy, no matter what belief system I had or did not have to heal my hurt child would take time and some patience.
In those days I was a very impatient and intolerant person, I wanted things to happen right away, I found out in order to heal I needed to stop abusing myself in every way possible, after all it is not possible to heal if I was still causing myself a lot of pain.
I was so unhealthy, I had given up all faith and hope in myself, I was not able to absorb information or able to listen to healthy advice.
Sadly, in every spiritual recovery program there will always be people who will try and control bully and manipulate other people, sadly those people only indicate how inept inadequate and insecure they are within them self.
Once you find healthy people in the spiritual recovery program, they will not put pressure on you, they will be tolerant patient with you, they will be nurturing and encouraging towards you taking up healthy habits, they will help you build up confidence faith and hope in yourself.
Only when a person has found healthy habits can they do step twelve demonstrate to you how you can embrace your healthy habits and gain healthy habits in your life today.
The understanding of the serenity prayer for me meant that if I felt like a victim, I could not change people having an adverse effect on my recovery, then I understood that the serenity prayer wording meant even though I could not stop perpetrators or change those unhealthy people I could however speak up for myself from place of peace.
I did not have a choice but to become a victim from a very early age, then I felt that I could not speak up for myself in a healthy way, that people felt that I was emotionally vulnerable and hence everyone seemed to keep picking on me.
The funny thing is that people with negative attitudes were in fact victims at some who never healed and were dumping on to other people their pains fears and frustrations, the reason people dumped on me was the fact they saw them self in us.
I did karate for town years, after that time I did inventory of myself, I was enjoying the fighting, I found it was my fear of emotional aggression and confrontation that I still feared, then the light bulb moment fears of emotional aggression and confrontation came from my parents hurting each other both physically and emotionally.
During the times my parents carried emotional aggression and confrontation they also had high walls of fears that they used to protect them self, sadly during this time of them fearing emotionally intimacy they were unable to be nurturing and affectionate towards me hence I missed out on nurturing and affection as a child.
Even though my parents were there physically they were not there for me with emotionally intimacy and nurturing.
Before my mother passed away she told me that she not able to nurse me, I smiled and told her that I knew that simple fact already, the surprise on her face she questioned there is no way I could have known that she was not able to nurse me, I smiled and gracefully said it is fine I understood, in that instant my mother’s life time guilt and shame were lifted and gone. A very powerful moment.
Can a mother be a healthy mother if she lives in fear if she is living in fear 24 hours a day.
My non-religious spiritual growth took many years, 23 years to fully understand step one, the to come and believe in yourself, to make a conscious decision that you are setting a healthy boundary for yourself, and step four doing an in depth honest and more importantly fearless, to have the same healthy fearless mind of that innocent inner child use to have before pain and trauma caused me to live in my every day fears.
The fact in time would become very clear they did not like respect or love them self. They could not fulfill their own wants and needs so they could not fulfill mine?
Mother once told me that in her life she never felt she had never been loved or felt loved. How sad is that? Was it the fact that people in the world wee unloving people or the fact my mother was still filled with so much pain and fear she could not give of herself unconditionally?
How do you stop being the victim? I thought I needed to do karate for 2 years, but that fact was I was scared of aggressions and confrontation which was other people transference of their pain’s fears and frustrations on to me. Anger caused fear of aggressions and confrontation.
Weak inadequate insecure people feel they need to control other people. They live their life in fear. They control other people by putting other people down so as to make them self-feel good. Jealousy and envy are all part of a person feeling inadequate in them self. Those actions go against all spiritual values.
One of the healthy things in recovery is encouragement, with support people finds way of achieving new spiritual goals.
By the victim talking out for them self directly or indirectly helps them get away from living in fears. Fear is inhibiting. Stress is fear. Anxiety is fear based. Lies cause us to live in fears. Putting on a facade is an act of fear.
There is fear of failure, fear of acceptance and fear of abandonment, fear of ridicule, then fear of approval. Then the fear of thinking we will repeat our past behaviours. That we will sabotage our own progress. Go back to jail and do not collect 200$.
Most places I travel to in the USA and Canada I try to attend meetings. I used to fear seeing new people. Now I see and feel we are all the same equal likeminded people with the same goals. We all want to become spiritually healthy people once more.
Often you will hear people say I am only who I am today because of a religion or because of one person’s actions that are not quite true, once you take responsibility for your life the choice is yours only.
I would not have found recovery if not for Shirley my wife and GA but the work that followed was all up to me at the end of each day.
Each day I walk out of our home I was and am on my own, if I have not faced my demands, faced my fears, understand my emotional triggers and my vulnerability then I was destined to repeat my past history once more.
Text is not enough for me, books is not enough for me, parrot fashion jokes and quotes is not enough for me, and I both want and need people to demonstrate to me what true recovery is all about. Resolve healing and facing their family. People demonstrating a healthy boundary, people taking responsibility, people demonstrating honesty to me.
Today was both productive and busy, again doing things to help order in my life, I am a creature of habits, and I also need to be more careful with money these days.
Shirley & I were able to bring to mind a place we visited back in 1999 it was only twenty years ago yet we both managed to blank it out. It was a vulnerable difficult time which was all jumbled up, mum had the most important key the name of the location and hotel, once we found the hotel the memories came flooding back.
It is very surprising how we got in to the unhealthy habit of burying pain up on pain and if asked we would tell people we were fine things are not that bad.
Now I was wondering why it was that period was blanked out. Was there a painful period prior or just before? Time will tell, I do enjoy tying up loose ends in my life story and holiday experiences.
It is very strange that sound smell or taste can bring back feelings of over 50 years ago in a split second. Music does that to me I have the feeling yet cannot put my finger on it as to what time or when the event it was.
After over 48 years in and out of GA I still go because it works, not just about abstaining but about me becoming a more spiritual person each day.
With each day in my recovery we have many more healthy choices, do the walk or do the talk? Talk is cheap?
I fully enjoy full productive days in my recovery. Healthy actions have healthy consequences. In my addictions and obsessions, I abused my body my mind my soul and cheated myself and everyone a relationship with myself.
Recovery is a program which is there for me to help myself. Recovery program is also a healing and maturing process. If I choose to take that path?
Why is it that every healthy spiritual value is about our healthy interaction with other people and with my self?
I was that lonely scared child in the school yard not able to open up to anyone. I was filled with fear and no one was going to help me, sadly not even my parents. It is not the fact they would not help me they could not help me. They were ignorant of my needs and wants and were ignorant of their own needs and wants.
Confidence comes with my doing healthy actions and taking responsibility for healthy actions in myself.
Goal setting at spiritual level is what recovery is all about. Talk is cheap, false promises are a waste of breath. Recovery is about progress in all spiritual ways.
I was never evil or bad and even people in the rooms who told me you have to do this or do that believed that by telling me what to do was the correct way of recovery.
Step one life is or was unmanageable is not just about money but how I reacted to life and situations. How vulnerable I felt in certain situations. The reason for me wanting to escape one way or another. What were my triggers?
Back 48 years ago did I think I wanted or need recovery? I wanted to stop losing not stop gambling. If only I could abstain? That was all I wanted from recovery. Today recovery is far beyond not gambling not getting drunk, not smoking, not drinking tea or coffee it is about being kind and respectful to myself.
Recovery is and was never the easy option, people have commented on me being selfish, yes, I am 100% selfish and very proud of it. I am number one in terms of my recovery. Only once I help myself am I able to help anyone else.
Recovery did not work when I was doing it for other people. If I was doing recovery for anyone else, I was doing it for the wrong reasons.
Is it important why we gamble? That makes me laugh, I was told to read the book over and over again. Yet I still gambled and did every other unhealthy habit. When was step one going to sink in to my brain?
Life being unmanageable was long before the gambling drink etc. So, by taking the drink the walls of fear came down while me was drunk, only to go back up the very next morning. Yet while drunk I could play the clown or be angry.
The sad fact that excitement fear and anticipation caused adrenaline rush in me once that took hold, I did not want that rush to stop. Life seemed so boring without that rush.
Even every day my pace was to rush at things to try and go faster and faster. My life was all about risking taking at the end. When was I going to slow down? When was I going to find my ideal pace in life?
Talk is cheap, courtesy costs me nothing, spiritual values enable me to be more considerate towards myself first of all then able to be more considerate towards other people. When was I going to learn to enjoy the journey?
Recovery is not just another obsession. Recovery is a tool which if used wisely will help me to embrace life and relationships, yet the progress is all up to me. At my pace and at my time.
When do you ask for help? When you want someone else to save you or when you want to save yourself? How deep do we need to go before we find the only way is up?
Why did it take decades before I would learn to listen? Why did it take me so long to learn that the date of my last is not what is important but who I am today and how healthy I am today that counts?
I feel very close to my family now. I am able to tell my family how much they mean to me and how much I love them. Healthy interactions are essential part of our recovery. Living in loneliness and fear is all part of the sickness and illness.
When that critical day I decided to move beyond the very sad war stories and talk from the heart I accepted the worst that could happen. My honest therapy was not what the room was ready for.
Yet every person does not need permission to be honest as to how they feel, to talk about their emotional vulnerability, what their triggers are or were today. Talking and communicating are not the same in recovery.
My family wanted me to give more of myself yet was not able to because I was filed with so much fear and mistrust. Then those late chats happened when Shirley and I talked till the early hours of the morning it was so refreshing honest and soul searching.
Over time the honesty in the therapies became a part of my family life. Such openness caused a reduction in the fear at home. My family use to find my mood swings made me appear like Jackal and hide. They feared me from minute to minute. Who wants to live walking on egg shells? That is no way to live your life.
I enjoy your honesty on this web site. Your honesty is our strength, when people apologize publicly it is very powerful and mature actions. Not only that but it builds bridges with other people relationships.
In the old days I use to hide in numbers of the big rooms. Sadly, I wanted to talk and if the chair was left open, I would not talk, then if not asked would be resentful, how sad is that?
It took me a long time to learn that I lived in resentments and found it very difficult to learn to forgive, forgiving is a way of life for me now. Not blanking out at all.
When I react to other people it is my responsibility, when I get angry, I only hurt myself, when I lie, I cause myself to life in fear, If I do not heal and nurture pain then it becomes resentments and vengeance and again, I only hurt myself.
There was one expression people used do not angry get even, how healthy is that? Is that in any way spiritual? Is that processing pain and letting go of the past?
I spent most of my life living in the past and it got me nowhere healthy. I was and am still a very slow learner, but I am willing to take the hard path today.
Recovery never was or is the easy option today; there will always be consequences to people’s actions. Unhealthy actions cause unhealthy consequences, healthy actions cause healthy consequences.
No actions at all from me today, often mean I am not working the recovery program. When I do things for other people, I am the benefactor of my own actions, giving of myself makes me feel good in myself. No hidden motives today.
Talk is cheap, am I a taker or giver today? How much am I willing to give of myself today? How much of what I give is unconditional? Am I person pleasing? Am I expecting approval? Am I doing all things because I want to do them? Am I fulfilling both my wants and needs today?
Anger is due to pain fear or frustrations, am I processing all those feelings before I get angry? For me being angry is not a healthy feeling. Do I accept serenity prayer in my life fully today?
The serenity prayer is very much open to interpretation, if I am a victim do, I remain a victim, if my life today about luck or by chance, can I only be successful by people I know. Courage to change the things I can, do my healthy actions and my healthy words help other people.
Can I change myself from being angry, Can I change myself from being resentful? Can I change myself from being vengeful? Can I change myself from feeling guilty ashamed ignorant jealous impatient intolerant? Can I over come my fears of emotional intimacy?
Can I change myself to trusting myself today?
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
I am a non religious person in my healthy recovery today.
Today I understand that when I walked in to the recovery program I was emotionally traumatized filled with buried pains and fears and I felt that Gambling controlled my life.
Today I understand that when I went gambling it was a fear based issue, I was trying to escape from people life and situations I could not cope with.
The gambling was an indicator that I was emotionally vulnerable, I was not a bad person, I was not an evil person, I was not stupid yet was emotionally traumatized in my child hood.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
In time I would open up in the recovery program, I would open up to counseling talking about every conscious memory of my past.
Then in time I would open up to some of yet not all of the buried and suppressed feelings I could not cope with earlier in my life.
Why the confusions in thinking that I loved gambling, did I not know what love was, was it the adrenaline rush I would go through in risk taking, the bigger the risk the bigger the buzz.
In recovery you will hear people say it was the build up, the anticipation, the planning, getting the funds, planning escapes, dodging risky situations.
While in action I lost touch with time values and relationships, I did not value myself I did not value other people, I did not value money, in my thinking that a win and money would give me emotional resolve.
This was not true, there would be no emotional resolve from any addiction or obsessions for me, the longer I gambled the more I would bury and suppress my feelings emotions pains and my fears.
The gambling was the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable and I was not healing in any healthy way, the truth being that my addictions and obsessions were making me feel even more vulnerable.
So now I understand it was important for me to abstain from all unhealthy habits one at a time, so that in recovery the healing process would begin.
No matter when my last bet was it was very important for me to go back to meetings and mix with like minded people who were seeking healing resolve and healthy productive lives.
So every one will have an opinion as to what love is, for me today it is about having healthy intimate relationships with living people and living creatures, having healthy intimate means I have no fears and I can trust unconditionally.
What was money, I use to think it would bring me happiness, that was not true for me.
For me was money was a representative of my time worked, hours weeks months years decades, instead of having at the end of my working time have items worth while to my family I would give my money to complete strangers who would enjoy the very things I and my family deserved.
The gambling establishments never stole from me, I gave freely my money and other people money and my hard work to the gambling establishments I abused myself.
The gambling establishments never lied to my family I did it myself.
The gambling establishments never stole from my family I did it myself.
Being accountable to myself is about maturity, being honest to myself is about maturity.
So before my recovery I felt that a speeding ticket was the police officers fault not mine.
So before my recovery I felt that if I could not find some it was not my fault.
The recovery program helped me understand what my emotional triggers were.
The recovery program helped me learn how to interact with people rather than react in unhealthy ways.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy, my feelings of boredom because I felt that life was boring, that I could succeed, that I avoided facing being accountable and I avoided facing challenges in my life.
The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.
Why do I stick with recovery because I am the beneficiary and my family are in living a healthy secure life.
Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I had huge fears of emotional intimacy.
Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I was emotionally vulnerable.
So before my recovery I use to think that life was boring, I use to think that I could not be content with in myself.
For me today I understand that happiness is about being content with who I am today, being content with who I am with today, being content where I am today, and being content with what I have today.
I have had many debts and paying back the money was not about the money.
There was a time when a man said at a meeting I was at that gambling was not his problem, he said he was the problem, my instincts were fruit and nut job, today I understand I was the problem.
There was a man who said said at a meeting who said that he was glad he was a compulsive gambler, because with out it he would never fully understood how unhealthy he was.
So with 11 counselors and attending more than a 100 meetings per year, when going away I even attend meetings on holiday, Shirley and I understand how important recover is to me today.
I am a non religious person and over time my questions about recovery were at the beginning very much about my insecurity, my questions today about recovery is wanting and needing to understand more and more about spiritual interactions and relationships with like minded goals seeking people.
By writing down my needs, writing down my wants, and writing down my goals I was going to extend myself in so many ways day by day.
At the recovery meetings I was going to expose more and more of myself through my therapies and to able to articulate my feelings and emotions in healthy ways.
The question is am I a walker or a talker today, do my words match my actions today.
So before my recovery my motives were very unhealthy, I did things reluctantly and resentfully, by me doing things reluctantly and resentfully I was cheating myself.
Procrastination was a very unhealthy habit, putting things off, leaving things to the very last moment, avoiding facing people just made things much worse for me.
Why procrastinate lack of confidence, lack of self worth, lack of self motivation, fear of failure, fear of being hurt, fear of emotional intimacy, lack of faith and hope in myself, over time why stress myself out.
At one time I use to say I needed to smoke because I was stressed out, sadly no one was stressing me out I was stressing myself out.
So for me just one unhealthy habit smoking cost me over 35k over ten years.
If I was to only gamble 10 pounds a day, that unhealthy habit gambling cost me over 35k over ten years.
So for me it was setting a boundary for myself, just for today I will not gamble.
So for me it was setting a boundary for myself, just for today I will not smoke.
So for me it was setting a boundary for myself, just for today I will not be angry resentful bitter twisted jealous envious impatient intolerant judgement, criticism.
I will show respect gratitude appreciation patience and intolerance to all people in and out of recovery.
My control issues were fear based, serenity helps me understand that the only person I can change is myself.
Today I can change my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations one day at a time.
The power of recovery starts off as just for today I will not, but then changes to just for today I will take unhealthy habits and exchange them in to healthy habits.
I am a person that is able to achieve so much more, that is my choice today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
From day one in the recovery program I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was.
My questions I had in the recovery program indicated how insecure and inadequate I was and how fear inhibited me from seeing how unhealthy I had become and also my fears hindered me from being honest to myself.
I would like to think that feelings were due to my addictions and my obsessions, but that was not true feelings of guilt hindered me from my child hood.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
I use to be a very vulnerable volatile person, I was so very unstable, my family use to fear me and mistrust me.
Every painful trauma event in my life emotional abuse physical abuse sexual abuse neglect and abandonment and the consequences of those pains were fears in e that I did not understand or recognize.
Every mention of religious or God caused an unhealthy reaction in me because of hypocrite religious people causing me pains in my child hood.
Time in the recovery program helped me understand that no one was going to fix me or heal me, healing was going to happen once I was willing to invest time and energy in to my own recovery.
Resentments anger hatred vengeance guilt shame regret indicated that I was not willing to or able to heal my pains.
By working with healthy people the recovery program helped me come out of myself, to give up talking about money or being in action.
Instead start to talk about my feelings and my emotions, to give therapies and to disclose how vulnerable I was.
No matter when my last bet it was important to attend meetings.
No matter if I had no money it was important to attend meetings.
In time I was selective as to the meeting which most healthy for me, to attend meetings that were therapy based.
Today I understand there will be people who are not willing to expose very much about them self, I understand they have so many fears and fear emotional intimacy, yet through my therapies I found a healing path.
The recovery program was not going to fix me.
The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling.
The recovery program was not going to heal my inner child until I was able to admit to myself I was in pain.
Motivation how do you move from doing things resentfully or reluctantly.
The instant I reacted in unhealthy ways indicated to me that my hurt inner child was not healed.
My emotional age and physical age indicated to me that my hurt inner child was not healed.
Understanding that person pleasing was not healthy for me.
Understanding that living in fear of rejection or abandonment was not healthy for me.
The question asked of me many times why attend meetings if you have not gambled in some time.
The recovery program helped me understand that I can become a healthier spiritual person even not though I am not religious by seeing and feeling myself in other people, to relate to other peoples experiences, both the healthy and unhealthy.
Being consumed in my addictions and my obsessions I was very much like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where healthy.
The addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse, while being in action in my addictions and obsessions I was in effect burying and suppressing my pains feelings and emotions.
Every action has consequences, every healthy action has healthy consequences, every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences.
The recovery program works for any one who is fully committed towards healthy living.
Each time I gambled was not me failing if I was learning what my last emotional trigger was.
The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.
The gambling establishments never lied to my family, I did.
The gambling establishments never made me steal, I did.
The gambling establishments were places I went when I was emotional vulnerable and could not cope with people life and situations.
Long before my addictions and my obsessions I was risk taking, I was stealing, I was not being honest and open.
A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions.
The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me.
I use to think that the recovery program was going to control my life, this was not so, the recovery program was going to help me heal from the pains of my past, not just from the addictions but to help me heal my hurt inner child.
So how much time and effort do I want to put in to my recovery.
Am I willing to admit to myself how vulnerable I am today.
Am I willing to ask for help today.
Am I willing to ask for a sponsor today.
Am I willing to write down my needs today, am I willing to write down my wants today, am I willing to write down down my goals today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
I use to think at the start of my recovery here I am fix me.
The recovery program helped me come our of myself, that talking about money lost was of no use to me, that talking about my previous bets was of no use to me and unhealthy for me.
All my questions when walking in to the recovery program were all fear based and indicated how secure how inadequate I was, after time moving on giving stories of my past I would start to talk about my today feelings and emotions, I would start to talk about when I am vulnerable.
I would start to talk about my procrastination my fear of failing, my fear of being myself, my fear of facing my fears of emotional intimacy.
Each time I went back to gambling was an indicator that not only was I not healed but I was not yet healthy in dealing with people life and situations.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if I was willing to learn from my last escape.
It is very important to call a person on the telephone list before you choose to gamble.
The recovery program was basically a manual to a much healthier life.
12 steps of spiritual recovery simplified for me.
For me step one at first in my recovery I wanted to blame the gambling establishments for how I felt, my pains my fears my frustrations and how much pain I felt, the simple facts the gambling establishments did not make me do any thing I did not want to do. They did not hurt me, I hurt myself.
Sadly, long before I took up my addictions and obsessions I was living in my many pains, my many fears and I was emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and obsessions.
My addictions and obsessions were the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, when I was feeling my pains, my fears and my frustrations, I would escape from facing my feelings and emotions. Before my recovery I got in to the unhealthy habit of burying my pains and hiding from my fears.
For me once in the spiritual recovery program I would both understand when I was emotionally vulnerable and deal with things with out escaping or deviating any more.
For me Step Two because I was a non-religious person, I would understand that I wanted to become healthy and whole with in myself, I would understand that spiritual values alone are the basis for healthy relationships with myself and other people. My own conscience is all about spiritual values.
For me the people’s therapies, their experiences and new-found skills would help me take up healthy habits and change unhealthy habits in to healthy habits. In other people’s therapies I would see and feel myself and relate to their experiences both healthy and unhealthy. In other people’s therapies I would see what was possible for me to achieve in the recovery program.
In time you learn to trust the recovery program and the people in it you learn to reduce your fears and learn to trust and have hope in yourself once more.
For me Step Three is about boundary setting, because we start to value our self, once we set boundaries we do it for our self, we set boundaries from a place of peace, not from rage, not from anger, boundary setting means we value our self, the most important boundary is just for today I will not gamble.
For me Step Four is not about beating our self-up, step four is about identifying the difference between what is healthy and what is unhealthy, as we get more honest with our self-first of all, and that is the build up to getting honest with other people over time. It is about self inventory and not beating our self up any more.
For me Step Five again it is not about right wrong good or bad, it is about identifying in our past what was healthy and what is unhealthy, and in some way can we start to overcome the deepest-seated fears of emotional intimacy.
Once you open to a person in full honesty and disclosure you have started to over come your fear of emotional intimacy, and once you feel more comfortable emotional intimacy will be shared with like minded healthy seeking people.
For me Step Six yes as we get honest, we identify our actions and words and by getting honest can we move from unhealthy habits which adversely affect our self and other people and change those in to healthy habits and understand that unhealthy words and actions will adversely affect other people and our self.
To understand that every action and word in our life has consequences.
For me Step Seven the impact word is shortcomings, which indicates failings and deficiencies.
Before recovery every unhealthy habit or word would have failings indicators in our self and our relationships.
In identifying what is a failure and for us to learn from it, to learn from our failures and make healthier choices in the future
Due to a very unhealthy dysfunctional family people would blame escape responsibility, a dysfunctional family will want to keep goings on in the family, keeping family secrets in the home quiet and secret so that the victims do not speak out. Control is a fear based issue.
A dysfunctional family lacks healthy spiritual interactions, a dysfunctional family is not able to be nurturing and encouraging, often it was about bullying manipulation and causing fears in the home and unhealthy secrets.
For me step eight this is us being accountable to our self-first of all, is being free to be open about our unhealthy past, to understand that our unhealthy actions habits or words adversely affected other people, causing them pain fears and frustrations.
For me Step Nine is about repairing relationships with other people if they can talk to or communicate with us still, it is important once we take responsibility, we in no way justify our unhealthy actions unhealthy habits or unhealthy words.
Just because we are honest and willing to repair relationships does not mean that people will heal or have healed from their pains, that we caused them right away. Do we understand our lies were a betrayal of their trust in us and other people?
For me Step Ten at the end of each day am I doing inventory of myself, was there any thing that I did or said that adversely affected another person, can I learn from that experience in any way. Do I need to make amends to any one including myself.
For me Step Eleven in the spiritual recovery program as we face our fears, increase our trust in others and in our self, by this time we have not only recognized our pains but healed them in some way, by this time we have faced each fear as we identify each one, and of course understood our frustrations and by reducing our unreasonable expectations of people life and situations and have stopped causing our self-pains time and time again.
For me Step Twelve with each new found healthier skill, we are no longer the victim, we are no longer the perpetrator, we have had demonstrated to us how to be patient tolerant with our self and other people.
The new found spiritual strength values and interactions we are no longer a threat to our self or other people, our fearlessness becomes other people fearlessness, our trust becomes other people trust, we no longer have fear of emotional intimacy.
In the recovery program it was very important for me to become a very selfish person, to take the healing process very seriously, the spiritual recovery program is about healing our hurt inner child.
Any person religious or not can get healthy and heal their inner child is they seriously put in the work and their time and in some cases have therapies and counselling.
The money was only the fuel for my addictions, you can take away my money yet the hurt inner child was still living in my deep seated pains, in my fears and wanting to escape in other ways may be in obsessions of any type.
To understand that our fears and emotional vulnerability cannot be resolved with money alone.
To admit to our self in our honesty and humbly show our vulnerability is a sign of our growing strength.
Being in the recovery program I would learn what my emotional triggers were,
The gambling was never about the money, the gambling for me was about escape and my emotional triggers.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
In time I would open up in the recovery program, I would open up to counseling talking about every conscious memory of my past.
The painful abuse in my child hood caused fears in me that I would not understand.
Once the pains of my child hood were healed one by one they would become my strength today.
In time my inner child would be healed and I would come out of my shell and being free of my fears would set me free.
I am a non religious person yet I am a spiritual person today.
Time from last bet is not what recovery is all about, is my inner child healing, am I honest to myself today, am I less vulnerable today, are my actions and words healthy towards myself and other people today.
The ideal situation is to be completely emotionally detached from all feelings towards gambling and other unhealthy habits today.
To exchange every unhealthy habits in to a healthy habit today.
When I am vulnerable it is very important to talk about it and no longer fear people life and situations.
Asking for help and sharing of myself is a sign of my strength today.
For me all my control issues were fear based.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
My unhealthy reactions told me that my hurt inner child was not completely healed.
It took me over forty years to learn that my anger was due to pains not healed, fears not faced, and to my frustrations.
Now how much do I understand my recovery today.
How much am I at peace with my inner child today.
I have had 11 counselors, I have attended over 4900 meetings, I have cried my eyes out, I have laughed till it hurt, I have done one bucket list journey with one person, I have had a full day of cancer surgery, I have over come my fears of the opposite s*x, I have told my father that I loved him at his death place, I have told my son I love him and trust him, I have told my mother that I loved her just before she died, I have learned to be the healthiest person I can be today.
The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that my hurt inner child was not healed.
Why go to meetings today, it has nothing to do about gambling today, it has nothing to do about money today, the reason I go to meetings today is because I want to be even more healthier than I am today, there si so much more potential in me even today.
In the meetings we are all an equal, no matter time off, no matter how successful we are.
The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.
The recovery program works like a team of like minded people, reaching new levels of skill.
I have no control over the gambling establishments, they are there to make money.
The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.
The gambling establishments never lied to my family, I did.
The gambling establishments never made me steal, I did.
The gambling establishments were places I went to escape when I was emotional vulnerable and could not cope with people life and situations.
Long before my addictions and my obsessions I was risk taking, I was stealing, I was not being honest and open.
A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions.
The question is how much do I want to be healthier today, how much time and effort am I worth today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi 88anon,
Maybe it would be beneficial for you not to click on the post or read it if it causes you distress.
Hi 88anon,
Maybe it would be beneficial for you not to click on the post or read it if it causes you distress.
I am not the first, or second, or third person to say it, when people are interested in engaging with others on a personal level, and continually you click the recent posts its full of 20-30 posts with all of the same content, its driving people away from threads!
it wouldn't be so bad if it was all in sync, but its random sentences and quotes which are meaningless to the situation - granted they are probably correct in circumstances and prove to be useful and provoke thoughts in other situations, but is there the need for the same thing over and over again on a daily basis ? That is my point.
Hi
Thank you guys for your feedback.
You will notice that my references to recovery is about emotional resolve healing and becoming healthy.
In my recovery moving from talking war stories talking about money lost helped me understand that gambling was not my problem I was the problem.
If we do not identify that the addictions obsessions were just the symptoms that I had or was not healing from my past.
My unhealthy reactions indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
If I want to become healthy productive and healed will require my time and my effort.
All the time I was causing myself pains of any sort or any kind of abuse the healing process would take longer.
If I am not willing to face myself and my fears I will live as I always lived.
Recovery is not about who is right or wrong but about understanding the recovery program healing process.
I am sorry if people will think my recovery program is some what repetative yet I do understand how serious our healthy recovery is.
I am encouraging towards all people in and out of recovery, and I do feel as soon as people get stimulated in to understanding their emotional triggers will help speed up the healing process.
The healthy people in the recovery program help save people lives in every sense of the word.
My words are about encouragement and not suppose to cause stress or anxiety.
Thank you for your honest sharing.
A healthy recovery is very important to me.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Whilst can be lengthy I do find Dave's posts very thought provoking at times and would definitely be supportive for their continuance.
Whilst a newbie I don't think we really have to any right to challenge others on their conduct or approach.
Keep up the good work buddy. I for one am onside.
Not quite sure why you refer to yourself as a newbie though ALN .
Hi Dave,
Thank you for your post although I don't believe you need to explain yourself .
Your posts are a true reflection of the hard work you have done in regards to working on your character which involves looking at the way you react with the world and the relationship with yourself.
I spent many years focussing on the stopping gambling but never took a good look at the relationship with myself and how adaptable I was with the way I interacted with situations and others. I ended up putting down one obsession and picking up another. I suffered badly with discontentment (aka boredom). My relationship with myself was like being out with another person I didn't like and couldn't wait to get away. I used to have to always be distracted by being busy or getting some feel good feeling from something. I abandoned myself during my childhood when I didn't feel good enough. My recovery is all about nursing that little child and finding that inherent love and worth so it doesn't have to be replaced by ego, success and materialistic stuff to be able to feel good enough. When you guess this right then there is no place for addiction.
Thanks for your posts.
????
So why the need to hide behind another name and fabricated profile and the gamble free time I'm assuming is all made up as well ? .
Seem's a little weird to me but knowing you from your day's as ALN it probably isn't weird at all , although very " Troll like " !! .
Nice that you finally admitted it though , thank's for that .
No doubt in my mind at all ALN
Your post's tell me all I need to know :))
Both Walliss and ALN have convinced me that I should try harder to engage with Dave's posts in order to unearth their true meaning and insight.
It dawned on me that Dave is much further along recovery than I am and consequently may be offering such deep and meaningful insights that my fragile little brain has trouble computing.
I have been skim-reading recent posts and there is insight in there if you look for it... Eg
I have had 11 counselors, I have attended over 4900 meetings, I have cried my eyes out, I have laughed till it hurt, I have done one bucket list journey with one person, I have had a full day of cancer surgery, I have over come my fears of the opposite s*x, I have told my father that I loved him at his death place, I have told my son I love him and trust him, I have told my mother that I loved her just before she died, I have learned to be the healthiest person I can be today.
Lots of stuff there that I could only dream of doing at this stage so Dave, I tip my hat to you ?
I still stand by my view that you could show more empathy and understanding to people entering the forum but on further reflection I think this may have something to do with you being so 'in love with your recovery' as you put it, that you may have boxed up the thoughts, feelings and devastation that brought you here in the beginning.
Is it healthy to get those out the box now and again to dust off and remind oneself that not everyone is safely in the boat destined for the shore? Some are still stranded and drowning in the sea and probably don't want to be hearing about their inner child whilst they are fighting to stay above water and survive?
Well anyway, either way you're a legend to me Dave (albeit an odd one - your new thing of dredging up posts from years ago and bumping them - how very odd! ?)
Anyone that furthers my recovery and is in my corner is a friend to me ✊
I just won't invite you round to dinner any time soon for fear of your 'table-talk'
????
Hi
Sadly when people focus on other peoples unhealthy habits they are not focused on their own recovery.
When people point a finger at other people there are four fingers pointing back on them self.
Our recovery is all about nurturing and encouraging our self first of all and then is all about nurturing and encouraging other people.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
I am a non religious person.
The serenity prayer helps me understand that I am not able to change other people.
The serenity prayer helps me understand that I can change, I can heal in I want to, I can help myself if I want to, I can understand my emotional triggers and change my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
The serenity prayer helps me understand that I can change my unhealthy actions to people life and situations if I want to to.
The serenity prayer helps me understand that I can reduce my expectations of people life and situations so that I do not cause myself pain any more.
The serenity prayer helps me understand that I was a very emotionally vulnerable person and over time I can heal my hurt inner child.
The serenity prayer helps me understand that supposedly normal people are not very healthy in their actions or words, that over time I would want to be more healthy than normal and more productive than normal.
The serenity prayer helps me understand how dysfunctional I use to be, blaming, excuses, justifications of putting things off and not communicating in healthy ways.
The serenity prayer helps me understand that I can help myself if I am willing to.
The serenity prayer helps me understand that I no longer have to react in anger today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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