Hi
The fears I identified were fear of rejection and abandonment, fear of failure, fear of humiliation, fear of being honest, fear of commitment, fear of intimidation aggression and confrontation, fear of accepting a compliment, fear of success, fear of of being myself, fear of emotional intimacy, fear of trusting people, fear of being shown up.
The consequences of having suffered so many pains in my life was a build up of fears that I did not understand or recognize, also I was going to build high walls of fear around me to protect that hurt little child, sadly those high walls of fear around me were going to stop me getting out and having healthy intimate relationships with other people.
What I did not know that by walking in to the recovery program I was already a survivor,
Sadly the very same walls of fears built to protect my hurt inner child caused me to fear emotional intimacy, it took a long time to open up my heart and my mind to healthy interactions with like minded healthy spiritual goal setting people.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced.
The addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping in my fears, the addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.
When I went to the addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.
As I attended more meetings and went to therapy my fears reduced my trust grew but more importantly my fears of emotional intimacy reduced with strangers, not so with people close to me.
Later in my recovery my reactions to my mother father and other close people indicated that I feared them.
In my healing I would resolve those fears and open up to them.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
Each pain in me that was not healed or resolved caused fears in me that I did not understand.
Part of my recovery was to identify face each fear and understand it.
Give each fear a number out of 10.
The question to ask myself what is the very worst that can happen and am I willing to accept the very worst that can happen, only once I do so the level of my fear drops from 10 out of 10 to less than 5 out of 10.
It was very important to take my biggest fear on first of all.
Once we face our biggest fear head on every fear after that one get easier.
Panic was a consequence of the number of fears with in me and the level of fears with in me, before my recovery my default reaction to people life and situations was panicking, to tell lies, to avoid situations, to try and person please, to avoid people, to avoid strangers.
My unhealthy habits were impatience and intolerance, when I had impatience and intolerance with other people it indicated that I was very hard on myself.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
Just for today I will not gamble is a boundary set for myself, if I gamble I hurt myself and I hurt other people.
Yet is abstaining the only thing I needed to do to get healed and healthy.
The process which really works is that the wording changes from just for today I will not to Just for today I will that over come my fears that over come my procrastination, to get motivated for myself in a healthy way.
The person I feared facing the most was myself, in time that fear would reduce, my motivations would change from reluctance, resentful, from anger, would change from person pleasing, would change from fear of rejection or abandonment.
There an implication that pride is unhealthy, who thought that one out, for me pride is very healthy, pride is the reward we get for our healthy recovery healthy actions and our healthy words.
Pride replaces our unhealthy feelings of guilt shame remorse and regret with feeling pride we compliment our self, we validate our self, we are willing to do any thing healthy in order to become full self sufficient mature adults with healthy interactions with every one including our self.
To change to being self sufficient we need to ask for help, to ask people to show us how to do things for our self, to learn more skills, when we get people to do things for us we are cheating our self.
When try to get some thing for nothing, we are cheating our self.
When we say things are to expensive we are cheating our self.
When we say say we will save things for a special occasion we are cheating our self.
Confidence pride self esteem self validation self worth can not be given to us, these feelings and emotions are a consequence of our healthy actions and our healthy words.
I use to feel resentful towards successful people, it had nothing to do about them it was the simple fact I felt I could not achieve success.
Writing down my needs, writing down my wants, writing down my goals, writing down my boundaries, these were my commitment to myself.
It is recommended that we do not mix with people who are not in the recovery program, the reason for this often people who are not in the recovery program will have an adverse effect on us one way or another.
It is very important to let people know that when they are ready for recovery that you will go with them, it is important at this time to not person please and give in to these people.
These people need to go for them self.
By telling people you are willing to go with them will help them fully understand that you are not abandoning them, this is very important.
For me money would not give me any emotional resolve, money would not heal me, money would not make me feel happy, money would only give me more choices, in the old days once I had money I use to take my worst enemy with me on holiday, myself.
Only when I respect myself can I respect other people.
Only when I love myself can I love other people.
Only when I am kind myself can I be kind to other people.
Only when I have empathy for myself can I have empathy for other people.
Every healthy commitment to myself changes my emotional vulnerability.
One day a person said some thing very profound, I do not have a gambling problem, I am the problem.
My first reaction was nut job, now it bares truth to me.
The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.
The gambling establishments never lied to my family, I did.
The gambling establishments never made me steal, I did.
The gambling establishments were places I went to escape when I was emotional vulnerable and could not cope with people life and situations.
Long before my addictions and my obsessions I was risk taking, I was stealing, I was not being honest and open.
A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions.
The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me.
How much do I want to value myself today.
What limit or value do I put on myself today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
I am very happy that it works for you.
It is the sole reason I gave up on Gamblers Anonymous - I am not religious and don't believe in a higher power. Frankly I thought the meetings were outdated and irrelevant until I found this place. They definitely work, but the Serenity Prayer was a real sticking point for me.
Hi
Why were some people successful in their recovery and I was not.
I got honest with myself, I over came the fears of facing myself.
The addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was not a healthy person and I was emotionally vulnerable.
How much time and energy am I willing to place in to my recovery and my healing.
Each time I said to myself oh cares any way, was the very instant I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.
Being in the recovery I would understand how emotionally unhealthy I was, I would start to understand my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
The money was just the fuel for my addictions, I would find no emotional resolve or healing through money.
So at what time would I value myself.
When would I write my needs down, when would I write my wants down, when would I write my goals down,
At what time would I put time and energy in to my recovery and my healing.
The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.
Why do I stick with recovery because I am the beneficiary and my family are in living a healthy secure life.
The recovery program is a manual towards becoming more mature, more accountable to myself, more dedicated by my time my actions and my words.
The recovery program was not going to do the work for me, the people in the recovery program was not going to do the work for me, that had to be my own choice.
The swearing I used indicated how inept and inadequate I was in articulating myself, the swearing was often an indication of the frustrations I was feeling at that time.
I rarely mention time off gambling, the past is no longer important, do not live in it learn from it.
I rarely mention gambling, the recovery program program helped me heal and to no longer be emotionally detached towards gambling.
If I am resentful towards the gambling establishments I am blaming them for my actions and my words.
The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.
The gambling establishments never lied to my family, I did.
The gambling establishments never made me steal, I did.
The gambling establishments were places I went to escape when I was emotional vulnerable and could not cope with people life and situations.
Long before my addictions and my obsessions I was risk taking, I was stealing, I was not being honest and open.
The gambling the addiction and my obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable long before my addiction and my obsessions started.
I use to escape to television computer games and other things that destracted me from facing life and myself.
How balanced is my life today how focused am I on my needs today, how focused am I on my wants today, how focused am I on my goals today, am I extending myself each and every day.
Are my actions and my words healthy towards myself and other people today.
My unhealthy reactions in anger indicated to me that my hurt inner child was not healed.
The recovery program helped me heal in so many ways I did not think was possible.
My anger was due to my pains not being healed.
My anger was due to my fears not being healed.
My anger was due to my frustrations because of my high expectations of people life and situations..
I had fears in me which were a consequence of unresolved and unhealed pains in my child hood.
The recovery program helped me help myself become healthy once more.
Understanding what my emotional triggers was critical to my having a healthy recovery.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my boredom was due to me not being motivated, and my loneliness was due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
How committed am I towards healthy living today, have I become selfish in my recovery, am I able to ask for help, that is mature and indicates I have over come some of my fears.
How committed am I towards listening to other peoples shares questions and opinions.
I am a non religious person, I was a very volatile angry person, my family did not know who I was going to be next.
Me being a non religious person if I can do it, any one can, that is so for sure.
Abstaining takes time, healing takes time, letting that hurt inner child out takes time, finding healthy focus and healthy direction takes time.
I do not need to escape people life and situations today.
I use to say that people stressed me out, I use to say that work stressed me out, I use to say that family stressed me out, the serenity prayer helps me understand that my unhealthy reactions I can change.
Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure, was I a perpetrator in my life, yes for sure, was I a rescuer in my life yes for sure, for me today all of these are very unhealthy habits.
Why was it that I was always picked on and by who, the reason I was picked on was because I was very emotionally vulnerable, the people who picked on me were in fact victims them selves who never healed from the pains of their past.
The consequences of having suffered so many pains in my life was a build up of fears that I did not understand or recognize, also I was going to build high walls of fear around me to protect that hurt little child, sadly those high walls of fear around me were going to stop me getting out and having healthy intimate relationships with other people.
Do I want to live in fear today.
Do I want to limit my life and my self today.
Do I want to be the healthiest person I can be today.
Do I want to strengthen pride in myself today.
Do I want to strengthen confidence in myself today.
Do I want to strengthen intimate relationship with myself and in other people today.
What is love, people will often say that they love gambling they love money cars houses etc.
Today for me love is about having healthy intimate interactive relationships with people and living creatures, love is about having a healthy relationship with my self, love is about giving of myself unconditionally, no expectations what so ever, love is about being content with the person I am able to love who ever they are and to not change them.
Do I a want to be walker or a talker today,
For me abstaining only was not enough for me, for me abstaining was only sitting on my hands doing nothing.
That was white knuckling my recovery.
Attending meetings, giving therapies, was very important to my recovery, moving away from repeating sad war stories based up on money lost and gambling was not the answer for me.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
I got married thinking that we would live happy ever after.
Sadly both of us had emotional unresolved issues we never talked about.
The addiction indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable, yet asked how I was fine or not so bad.
The addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping in my fears, the addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.
When I went to the addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.
The addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse, going with out my needs my wants and not having any goals in my life.
So before my recovery I thought that I loved gambling it was the most stimulating thing in my life.
That most things in my life were boring.
The recovery program helped me understand that my addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse.
The recovery program helped me understand that my feelings of the buzz were very much adrenaline based, that I was risk taking long before my addictions and obsessions.
The buzz was explained as more of a high than the gambling, that the planing the build up of deceptions that the anticipation was a high of its own.
So for me the risk taking was an important part of my escaping long before my bets were put on.
The bigger the risk the bigger the rush, sadly on the down side it was an unhealthy habit to bury and suppress my feelings and emotions.
Did I cause harm to myself, yes for sure, did I cause harm to my family and close friends, yes for sure, I would even justify hurting people.
Why would it be that I would only stay focused on the occasions that I won, thinking of the big win was a form of avoiding facing the pains I was causing.
What it the money that hurt other people, no it was not about the money, with each lie is a betrayal of people trust of me and other people.
The money was only the fuel for my addictions, money was going to give me emotional resolve or healing.
Sadly I had given up all faith and hope in myself, I thought the only way I could be successful in my life was by getting lots money.
So being so emotionally vulnerable, hiding my hurt inner child, I was in effect hurting my inner child more and more, time and time again.
Suppose some one asked me to work for months with out any earnings, no income, suppose some one help me at gun point and took months of my earnings from me, how would I feel.
Yet in my addiction I would give months and years of my earnings to a complete stranger while I and my family went with out.
The recovery program helped me understand that I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where healthy.
By going faster and faster I was losing focus of all those things that were most important in my life, relationships spiritual values non religious, I was going against my own conscience I was hurting myself and people around me.
Was giving back to people I had lied to heal their pains or my pains.
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
My unhealthy reactions told me that my hurt inner child was not completely healed.
It took me over forty years to learn that my anger was due to pains not healed, fears not faced, and to my frustrations.
When I use to lash out I use to say to myself I wanted justice, that was not true I wanted vengeance.
How volatile am I today.
How angry am I today.
How content am I today.
How motivated am I today.
Is a question a threat to me today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
Thank you for your honesty.
The Serenity Prayer helped me understand the only person I can change is myself.
The question is am I wanting to change, am I willing to change, am I willing to be selfish about my recovery.
The choice is mine only, no one can change me.
How much do I want to heal from my past.
regards Dave L
Hi
Once I was in my recovery we had a holiday in Florida and on leaving our room I saw a lady cleaning the hotel rooms, I told Shirley my wife I would catch up with her at the lifts.
I asked the lady cleaning the hotel rooms have you been cleaning our room, her instant reaction was she had done some thing wrong, that I was not happy and that she was guilty of some thing.
She said yes she did our room, I told her she was doing an excellent job and we were very pleased with the job she was doing and that we were very grateful, her faced changed to a face of pride.
I carried on to the lifts met with Shirley yet the question I asked myself was why did I not express my gratitude and appreciation to every one in my daily life.
Was it that I took so much for granted, was I so discontent with people life and situations that I was unable to see or feel relationships with other people.
One question asked in my recovery if I knew I had only one day to live what would be the most important things I would want in those last twenty four hours.
My answer time with my family, money materials things would be of no importance to me.
So comes the question am I able to communicate and articulate my feelings and emotions in a healthy way today, do I allow the pains and fears of my past to adversely affect my relationships with other people today.
When showing gratitude and appreciation am I trying to person please, am I doing or saying things out of penance today, what is my motives today, am I trying to impress people, am I trying to buy peoples friendships.
No matter if I do not see people ever again is showing gratitude and appreciation conditional in any way, or is it an expression of my feelings and emotions today.
Showing gratitude and appreciation is an expression of my spiritual values, not of any religious values, it is an example of how much I care about myself and other people, it is an expression of how my relationship is with other people.
Today I understand that my fear of emotional intimacy was due to pains of my past, in being so open and honest in my communications in healthy ways I am able to come out of myself today, that inner child is able to come out and play.
There is no longer the need to live a facade built on fears, the relationships I have with my self I am able to share with other people including strangers today.
My values today are not about money or material things today, am I able to be myself, am I able to share myself with other people today, do I have a full productive life today, do I understand my needs today, do I understand my wants today, do I understand my goals today.
One thing came to understanding is that do I want to always be right, if so do I want to be alone.
It is not my place to change other people, in doing step twelve I am suppose to demonstrate spiritual recovery not preach it.
So in showing gratitude and appreciation am I trying to impress people, is it conditional, do I expect any thing in return by showing gratitude and appreciation, Shirley helped me understand that Love was giving of myself unconditionally.
In the rooms of recovery by showing gratitude and appreciation am I demonstrating my spiritual values, non religious of course.
Do I tell people how much they mean to me, do I thank people for their honesty and showing their emotional vulnerability.
Could I get the message of recovery the very first day I walked in, no chance at all, when I walked in to recovery program I was so emotionally traumatized, not just from the traumatized pains I caused myself but from the traumatized pains of my child hood.
The blanked out traumatized events in my life would come to surface, I would learn to cry, I would learn to laugh, I would in time come out of my shell built on fears and live life in a healthy way.
I would in time come to connect with like minded people in the recovery program and learn to live a healthy life.
It had to be my decision to decide what was healthy a what was unhealthy and to some thing about change with in myself.
Do I want to go back to causing myself and others pain today.
Do I show gratitude and appreciation as to how healthy my life is today.
Do I show gratitude and appreciation to people in my life today.
Do I interact in healthy ways to all people today.
Or do I react in unhealthy ways to all people today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
My reaction to religion and God was due to people who were religious hypocrites that caused me a lot of pain and trauma in my child hood.
They beat me and humiliated me in so many ways.
But I can say that those pains were healed and resolved.
Sadly people in recovery will question or even have given up all faith and hope in them self, for me that was so.
Over time seeing and feeling myself as an equal I came to understand that being an equal if one person can achieve peace resolve and become more productive in every avenue of their life so can I.
Becoming motivated in healthy ways took time and my patience.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
I walked in to the recovery program not understanding that I was emotionally traumatized.
I walked in to the recovery program burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions, could I admit to myself that my addictions were a form of escape or self abuse.
That no amount of money would heal me.
Until I admitted to myself that I was emotionally vulnerable that the addictions and obsessions were a form of escape or deviating facing myself and my world.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.
My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
A long time ago I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, as a child I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, I suffered neglect , I suffered abandonment which is emotional abuse, because of my life time of trauma and pains I had put up walls of fear to protect my hurt inner child.
At what point would I be able to feel and understand my feelings and my emotions, I was not evil or bad, I was stupid or dumb, I may have been ignorant not aware, but in truth I was vulnerable and did not know it.
The twenty questions were for me to be honest with myself only, how long did it take me to get honest with myself, how long before I understood the depth of the questions, how long before I understood the depth of the 12 steps.
Over time I would learn to abstain, then to open up and over come my fears of emotional intimacy, once I abstained from all unhealthy habits I was free to explore the healing of my hurt inner child.
To learn to be patient and tolerant with myself, to learn from my mistakes, to be honest with out being cruel, to be content with my progress and give up seeking perfection.
For me the recovery program was about learning very slow baby steps.
My impatience intolerance was an indicator that I was hard and cruel on myself. Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure.
Was I a perpetrator in my life, yes for sure.
What stopped me from being a victim, it was the ability for to be able to speak up for myself from a place of peace.
What stopped me from being a perpetrator, I no longer want to hurt myself or other people in any way today, I no longer want to adversely affect myself or another person today.
My conscience is based up on spiritual values, yet I am a non religious person today.
Am I nurturing and encouraging towards myself today, how much more can I do for myself today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
My addictions and obsessions were a form of escape, a form of deviating facing myself, not facing people life and situations because I was emotionally vulnerable.
By giving therapies was a form of being honest with myself, today I know I could not do it on my own being isolated and lonely.
The recovery program helped me come out of my shell built on fears.
The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.
The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling that would be my choice.
The recovery program was not going to stop me from being that bitter twisted person that dumped on other people, that would be my choice.
In time would identify myself in other people, both the healthy and the unhealthy.
Do I like myself when I cause other people pain, do I like myself when I cause myself pain.
The simple fact today that my addictions and obsessions are were not healthy for me and not healthy for my family, now what am I going to do about it.
The recovery program was going hep me understand that my addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse.
Do I enjoy living my life in my pains, do I enjoy living my life in my fears, now what am I going to do about it.
For me the recovery program I use to get things done as late as possible, I use to get things done reluctantly, I use to get things done resentfully, by doing things with unhealthy motives who was I cheating.
What portion of my life was being unhealthy, what am I going to do about it.
The recovery program was going help me get accountable to myself, help me get honest to myself, help me move from unhealthy to healthy .
What are my needs today, what are my wants today, what are my goals today, and what are my boundaries today, how can I change my life today.
The recovery program was not going to control me or regulate me, it was going to help me become a healthier person, simply one day at a time.
Do I get pleasure causing myself pain.
Setting healthy boundaries is a way of me saying myself is just for today I value myself.
Understanding what my emotional triggers was critical to my having a healthy recovery.
The addictions and obsessions were the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my boredom was due to me not being motivated, and my loneliness was due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
The more time and energy I place in to my recovery today helps me become a person I am proud to be today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
The word dysfunctional and its meaning changed for me in my recovery.
I use to say to myself I wanted to be normal, that over time I would recognize that supposedly normal people were not that healthy in their words and actions towards each other.
The word dysfunctional does that mean not normal.
I could say that for sure I was very unstable, erratic, vulnerable.
I could say that at one time I use to flip very quickly from highs to lows.
The word dysfunctional indicates people who justify them self knowing what they will do or say will adversely affect them self and other people.
For me dysfunctional indicates people that will justify being healthy, dysfunctional people will blame other people for their failings, dysfunctional people will justify unhealthy actions and unhealthy words towards other people.
For me dysfunctional people will sit opposite another person and will not interact with people.
Would that indicate that dysfunctional people have an addiction obsessions or have fears of emotional intimacy.
Would dysfunctional people be people who have been traumatized and have not yet healed.
Due to pains in my child hood cause me to be emotionally traumatized so that I had become a dysfunctional person.
Is a dysfunctional person some one who is not able to be self sufficient in every way.
By being consumed by my addictions and obsessions had I become a dysfunctional person, unable to be honest and open.
If I am completely healed and a full functional person in fulfilling my needs my wants and my goals would that mean I am no longer a dysfunctional person.
Did the fact I was not able to articulate my feelings and my emotions make me a dysfunctional person.
If my inner child was completely healed can I have the ability to learn and absorb information that would enable me to become a fully functional person.
To be self sufficient not isolated, that I am able to learn new skills in every avenue of my life so that I can become whole and healthy, to be at peace with myself and the world.
Do people feel vulnerable that I am a non religious yet I embrace spiritual values in to my life today.
If I do or say things that goes against my own conscience, I do know that it causes pains to myself and other people, is that dysfunctional behavior.
There were some very healthy spiritual people in my life that help comfort me and helped me over come some of my pans.
Those healthy spiritual people saved my life and I would class those people as very healthy spiritual functional people.
Sadly before my recovery I did not know what impact those very healthy spiritual functional people had on me.
When I talk about the emotional trauma and pains in my life I am able to understand why I was so emotionally vulnerable.
By talking about the emotional trauma and pains in my life am I blaming other people for who I am today, it was not about blame it was all about understanding how I became so emotionally vulnerable.
All the aggression and confrontations in my life caused me to internalize other people emotionally vulnerability, that was a very unhealthy habit.
What I can say today that for me is dysfunctional behaviors indicate that I am not fully healed, that am not fully matured, that in some ways I have not done enough work on myself.
On day one walking in to the recovery I thought that the only problem I had was gambling and I had lack of money.
One person said in a meeting I do not have a gambling problem, I am the problem, my first thought this guy is nuts, today I agree with him.
A person said in a meeting I am glad that I am a compulsive gambler, my first thought this guy is nuts, then he explained that with out being in the recovery program I would never have found out how unhealthy I was, or how much I was missing in my life today.
Today normal is not very healthy, what people say or do to each other is not very healthy.
How much do I value myself today.
Are my actions and words healthy towards myself, are my actions and words healthy towards other people today.
Have I faced all of my fears today.
Am I stimulated by life today, or do I hold back in any way today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
Thank you for your comments.
I am glad that you are reaching for your goals and value your self today.
I hope that your studies help stimulate you in to greater things in your life.
Knowledge and experience helps us reach our full potential.
Regards Dave
Hi
I use to think that if I stopped Gambling I would be happy, was that true, not for me.
I use to think that if I paid back my debts I would be happy, was that true, not for me.
I use to think that I loved gambling, was that true, not for me.
I use to think that the recovery program would stop me gambling, was that true, not for me.
I use to think that if I got back my money I lost at gambling I would be happy, was that true, not for me.
So the question what is happiness.
For me today happiness is being content with who I am, who I am with, what I have, and where I am.
Yet being content did not mean I was willing to be on a stationary level not having movement.
No by working at my spiritual values I am becoming less fearless and more open and not fearing emotional intimacy.
What is love, people will often say that they love gambling they love money love cars love houses love money etc. Is that true and correct and even possible.
So the question what is love.
For me love is having a healthy interaction with a person or a living animal.
Yet if I am burying and suppressing my pains and not healing my hurt inner child the default is to live in the fears from my pains not healed.
So today I understand that the addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping deviating in my fears, the addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.
When I went to the addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.
Money was never going to buy happiness.
Money was never going to heal my hurt inner child. My control issues were fear based.
Back in 1969 did I fully appreciate how unhealthy I was.
Did I fully appreciate how inept I was, how insecure I was, how impatient I was, how intolerant I was, how vulnerable I was, how erratic I was, how ignorant I was, how much of a victim I was, how dishonest I was to myself, how immature I was, how much emotional trauma I was in.
Did I really think that by reading text would give me emotional resolve.
Did I really think that some one or some thing would stop me gambling.
Sadly that choice, that decision was going to be mine, to set that boundary was going to be my decision.
Do I remember how many times I went back to gambling.
Do I remember when I started burying and suppressing my pains my emotions and my feelings.
What day did I start learning slow baby steps in my recovery.
What day did I start to identify that all addictions and obsessions were unhealthy for me.
Do I remember when I understood that every lie I told caused me to live in greater fears.
Do I remember when I first opened to emotional intimacy with another person with out fears holding me back.
Did I think that by only abstaining from addictions and obsessions would make me a happy person.
At what point would I start crying for my hurt inner child.
At what point would I start taking down each brick of fear and expose my inner child.
To let my inner child come out and play as never before.
Am I humbled to honesty today.
Am I humbled to be equal to all people today.
Today do I work as a team with other people.
Today do I communicate with all people in a healthy non threatening way.
Have I given up seeking justice vengeance, have I given up reacting in unhealthy ways today.
Have I accepted serenity to the fact the only person I can change is myself today.
Have I accepted that my control issues were very much fear based issues.
Have I accepted that my love is giving of myself unconditionally today.
Have I accepted that my love is trusting unconditionally today.
Am I willing needing and wanting to be very selfish in my recovery today.
Am I willing needing and wanting to be proud of myself today.
Am I willing needing and wanting to validate myself today.
Am I willing needing and wanting to compliment myself today.
That no matter how long a person has been in recovery I will not think he is an idol or have more than any one else.
The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hi
I walked in to the recovery the program emotionally traumatized, lost, inadequate insecure inept and I had lost all faith and hope in myself.
Sadly as my lies increased my fears grew, my fears grew because I was causing myself more and more apin than I could cope with.
The confusion was that I even thought that I loved gambling, that was not true, the gambling the addictions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.
The person I feared facing the most was myself.
This last week I celebrated 26 years gambling free, and one topic what was recovery and what was abstaining.
I learned that to abstain was just giving pause to causing myself and other self abuse.
I needed to abstain from unhealthy habits before I could even start to heal the inner child in me.
I am a non religious person, I am becoming more of a healthy soul who no longer wants to hurt myself or others in any way.
An apology has nothing to do about who is wright or wrong, an apology has every thing to do about healing relationships.
Money was never going to heal relationships and my pains, money was never going to make me happy, money was only going to give me more choices.
Being a non religious person I was going to ask myself am I a healthy person today.
My addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.
How much do I want to be healthy today.
How much do I want to be productive today.
How much do I want to stop lying to myself today.
The recovery program is just a manual to healthy living and the choice is all up to me.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
