I am stronger than I thought!

I h8 the gambling hangover.... I just feel like cr**!

I have some things going on in my life atm that r tough 2 deal with but that's just the way it is..I also get scared and worried when I read on here that ppl have slips after a yr of being gamble free.. This is a strong addiction!

I don't blame ne1 else 4 my gambling or my problems.... I made the choice yesterday 2 play the machine... I only have myself 2 blame!

I have always thought I was sensible and I always put others 1st and I do... but not when I am gambling.. I can't even describe how strongly I feel 2wards the machine.. It is the only thing that matters 2 me at that time.... I know this sounds so sad but it is also very true!

I was also feeling down that Christmas was over... I enjoyed it so much and I did not wanna get back 2 my normal life yet....I guess that was a kinda escape as well!

I feel like I just want 2 scream atm........ I am soooooooo angry at myself!

I know that ppl get annoyed when ppl have slips..... But like Graham keeps reminding me he had yrs of slips b4 he finally worked it out and now he is 7 yrs gamble free... So I guess there is a little hope, that is all I am holding on 2 atm!

Also atm.... I keep thinking about going back 2 the machine, when it is open.......... I don't know y I cannot learn that this is not the answer!

I am a idiot!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi charlotte

U know my feelings on this its just another step of the journey and the important thing is ur still on it , yes u may av slips but ur only human mistakes will be made , the only person who is judging u is urself , just look at the support and admiration people av for u even now that will never go away , why ? Cos ur such a fighter ur honest u bounce straight back and still find the time to help so many others , I for one av so much pride for u

There's so much pressure put on ourselves not to gamble that I think we forget what life is for and that is living and enjoying sometimes we just live in fear of a relapse , for me what's important is that of never go fully back and we won't we know too much now , u av highlighted the trigger which is ur ex and thats something to think bout and try put right

Today is today a new day enjoy it with ur bf and Maddison they are amazing people and av such a positive affect on ur life

Take care and be kind to urself I think ur one amazin person

Castle2

We don’t always have to be strong to be strong.

Sometimes our strength is expressed in being vulnerable.

Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.

We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back

self-doubt, cannot stop

focusing on fear, cannot be strong.

There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible.

Occasionally, we don’t want to get out of our pj's.

Sometimes we cry in front of people.

We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.

Those days are okay. They are just okay.

Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to “fall apart” when we need to.

We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength.

We ARE strong.

We have proven that.

Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared,

weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, help me to know that is it okay to allow myself to be human.

Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to “fall apart.”

Hi Charlotte,

So sorry to hear about your slip you must be feeling down right now. You could have stayed away from the forum you could have given up the fight but you haven't.

We are here to help, to listen and to give advice to each other and will always support you no matter what. As someone who has more slips than someone with slippery shoes in a cage full of banana skins I am not here to judge.

You CAN do this Charlotte, you have shown that you can put in a great many weeks gamble free and you are much stronger than that machine. each period gamble free makes you stronger, lets put in another gamble free stretch now just by taking it one day at a time. Don't be too hard on yourself you are putting in a monumental effort, one which you should be proud of. Keep reading and posting, together we can do this!!

Paulds

hey charlotte...I can understand a little about the hangover feeling you have and know that it feels bad right now but this will pass...

I also picked up what you said about your ex always being part of the reason for your slips which seems to be part of your trigger and im guessing he brings up feelings in you of anger and frustration..but certainly strong feelings...

As you know hun i use my diary to get all those feelings out..I also see other people who are using their diary in that way and not sitting on or acting out on those feelings..Freda right now is going through a bad time and ranting ... I see this as being healthy as at least she has a safe place to get those feelings out even if they dont make sense to anyone else.

Don't ever worry about saying the wrong thing ..there is no wrong thing. There is no right and wrong thing.

Somtimes I come out with the most outrageous things and some days i delete them or leave them to stand and sometimes people write to me and say they don't understand...but thats ok...the point isnt whether peope like or dislike or understand or not..the point is its out and its not festering in you..

My bf reads this site but I can't selectively edit my thoughts or feelings on the off chance that it might upset somone....if I did then I would'nt write anything.

Somedays my time with my ex feels a hundred years ago and sometimes it feels like yesterday and I have a mix of hurt and sadness and what ifs and anger etc etc..If I sat on that for fear of upsetting my current bf then I would be in a real mess.

You also have a past relationship and as much as I agree with moving on from it it will take time and is a process..it's not something you can do overnight...it can take a long time especially if you have kids with that person and for some the reality is the never get over it but time fades the memory .

I learned recently my ex went back home to his mum and dad again in debt a year on...part of me wanted to

go and see him and try and help even after all this "recovery'...

I didnt have kids with my ex yet a year on I can still feel the same as I did when it all happened.

anyways...sorry for rambling on Charlotte...you know the word ...

R and D xxx

Thanks all xx

I have 2 be careful wot I write on my diary cus in the past it has made ppl single me out and I can't be dealing with that!

Just 2 clarify Maddison is my bf's not my ex's luckily........ I would never have had kids with him and altho Maddie was not planned with my bf so soon neway.... I feel like it happened 4 a reason and I can honestly say she saved me and is the one thing that keeps me going!

Hi charlotte

Know u like music and find inspiration from it , just been listening to Jessie j. Who u r every time I hear it I think of u so strong and always fighting

Remember its ok not to be ok

Castle2

Hey,

You are so right we all have one shared goal here and that is to try and free ourselves from this addiction. I don't think I am any stronger than you infact I would say the opposite is true! You are one of the strongest people I have come across on this site and I have the utmost respect for you.

So, how do you want to go about the 2013 thread? I know you mentioned before it can be really disheartening when a name comes off a list and the last thing I want to ever do is make people feel cr** so I am open to suggestion? We could always do a 2013 thread but run smaller threads alongside it which would break the year up into smaller bits.

Look forward to hearing your thoughts 🙂

Flagg

Hiya sorry to hear of your slip don't be to hard on yourself you've done the right thing of being honest and open about it. Your back here and the damage has been limited. I had so many slips at the start of my diary. Kinda like you in a way going a fairly long period (mine only 50 days compared to your 16 weeks) and then the time between slips being less and less. That's just because the addiction is a strong one but sooner or later after hopefully as little slips as possible it sinks in that this a crazy cycle and one that must be broken. It's not the money it's how it makes you feel and all the regret. I'm now only on day 39 but in reality it's been one slip in 7 months and I don't really even care about the slip as all it did was show me that gambling is a waste of time and something I get no enjoyment from. And just as you have done the damage was limited as we both come straight back on here. You are a strong young lady. You will beat this. You need to remember how you felt after gambling and visualise that whenever them urges come. You'll get through this and I can see you in a few years time coming on here now and again saying to others how it was tough for you but your now x amount of years bet free. That's what we're all here for and that is something you can and will achieve.

Hey Charlotte sorry to hear of your slip! You have been doing so well! Try to stay positive!

Luke

Hi Charlotte,

I couldnt read every re post but, read about your slip. I have been there sooo many times myself. It took me 10 years and near bankruptcy to find this site. I think I started posting mid july of this year and since that time I have had a few slips. I know it feels lousy when we fall down. BUT, we all fall down and hopefully each time we learn something new about ourselves. Hang on honey, and just keep trying and know that we are all here for you. HUGS! -joan

Glad today brings ya more comfort from inside you. Take care and today can only be better than yesterday.

lovely lovely charlotte

the doc

Hi Char

Sorry to read about your "bad night". Well done you for turning that around.

You are one of the bravest most honest people I know and one that I respect so much.

Take care of you!

Irene

x