I hit the lowest bottom , now need to start recovering

Hi there. You're not stupid. It's an illness it happens to the best of us believe it or not. 

Have you considered telling your fiancé? It'll be the second hardest thing you do. The first is actually quitting gambling forever. And telling her will most definitely make it easier. 

I wish I'd told my ex gf a lot sooner than when she found out. I have a new woman now and I still haven't learnt and had a huge loss yesterday. I'm considering telling her. 

@x-m sorry to hear about your loss. hope that you can start the recovery journey and stop gambling from now on.

it will be tough to tell the truth, considering how Vietnamese think about gambling. I'm from VN but I cannot find a suitable community to share my story there and that's why I'm here

@qjygoictun Every gambler is the same though. No matter where we are from. We all have the same problems and share the same goals. Let's support each other regardless.

@x-m sure that what I will do . 

Day 2. 

Started my day with Meditation. Try to make it as a habit as it is good for my mental healing. The sound of the song "When I was your man" - Bruno Mars  started to be played inside my head. My fear of losing my best relationship rose. Many time when I about to deposit money and bet, I thought that I would be able to stop, but I just kept doing this , knowing that it can be hurt. I understand that I have the tendency to try to hurt myself, try to humiliate, disrespect myself. It came from some bad things happen from the past, from the family situation, and I need meditation to start healing that part also. 

I also did a short running session , hope that it will give me some good hormone extracted in a better way than betting, and drive me to the better route. 

One good news is that I will have a interview with a big corp today , just the first round. It boosted me up a little bit yesterday. But I also have a bad experience that when I feel better a little bit, I will persuade myself to start gambling again to get some money back. But I will try my best to not doing it this time. That's why I have to keep writing this diary everyday, to remind that I'm a gambling addict and it is a serious problem that need to be fixed, not to be preserved. 

Day 3

Woke up early and have 45 minute meditation. Feel much better, but then the pain of losing money kept pushing me to check the livescore app, looking for some potential match. There will be some thought inside my mind telling me that maybe I can try my luck, I can get back some money and cover the credit card debt. Luckily I'm be able to stop myself from going further to the old d*mp part and do some other thing to distract. Gained positive energy from meditation , then wasted it in betting, I did it a few time in the pass and paid an expensive cost. The process is really tough . you feel good after day 1 and 2 , and then you can easily lose your determination and fall back into the deep hole. Let not do it this time. I will try my best. 

I got a small financial relieve when I received some shared bonus from my ex colleague . She was really generous and this amount of money is not much, but it help me to survive better till the end of this month when I got my salary paid. 

I also need to prepare for my important interview with the big corp, which can help me to escape from this current job that I got suffered a lot. This is also a reason that made me keep getting back to gambling, as my career have been struggled for years. I saw other people at the same age with big success and put a lot of pressure on myself. but I forgot to look down, forgot to enjoy the happiness, the stuff that I gained.  

In the pass , I did sport bet, mostly Basketball and in game bet, developing my owned methods and believe that it is a rational, logical pick. I used to have a long strike of win, but also a lot of time when I lost one game and I tried to gain back , losing my calm I ended up being at having more loss. And I should told myself that my analysis were to naive, and when I won there were just a lot of luck there. 

Day 0 again. After get big win, as usual i f*cked up and end up in a worse situation. feel so ashamed when I'm with my fiances checking the venue for the wedding party . I don't know what to do . so tired and lose all energy. maybe I will end up having a really bad outcome for my life thanks to this gambling addict.