It all happened so quick

Hi Rose,

Thanks for your message and support. It is really appreciated. It of great to read how well you are doing. Keep going you are doing brilliantly!

Dave X

Day 52 - gf!

Thanks Dave for your kind words!

Not much to report, ensured no gambling last night by sticking to my plans and no real thoughts of gambling - looking forward to being back home tonight and then being able to break the triangle over the weekend! Even though i haven’t gambled and didn’t think i would there was always that doubt and having the laptop but me a bit on edge, I much prefer to have the triangle broken so I can relax a bit more! Hoping as i get more used to travelling each week I will feel more confident about being in possession of it.

Money is a big trigger of mine and something I need to explore more in therapy - there was a pen and paper in my room at the hotel and immediately all i thought about was writing down my finances to ensure I had enough money to buy my house. I am borderline obsessive about planning money, spreadsheets and all - think this comes back to being in a gambling household where financial worries were present and I took that on my shoulders..I couldnt do anything with it but I felt like that worry was mine....I am slowly starting to make progress in that area but I would like to be able to look at money and talk about it without working myself up into an obsessive state over it. Not gambling has certainly helped, i have been able to delete my phone app which means i am not checking into my account each day, sometimes more than once. I have also deleted any financial spreadsheets that i had that i would obsess over, which again has given me a small sense of freedom. Still lots of work to do in that area though and i am hoping to continue to explore that in therapy.

For now I happily continue on my gf journey!

Today I will not gamble because I am looking forward to being back home tonight!

Day 53 - gf!

I think todays post kind of follows on from yesterday…after I had written in my diary I found out that I would be getting a small bonus at work – fantastic! The first thing that came into my mind was gambling and it has probably fueled a fire since then. Add on top that I have received 2 emails giving me bonus offers for 2 sites I didn’t even know I was a member of and Mr Gamble has been very much in my face the last 24 hours. Have I gambled…nope! Do I plan to gamble..nope. The reason is that I read a truly upsetting story in the paper about a young man, recently graduated, that took his own life because he became addicted to gambling. Even though he had told his family and they were supportive he saw no way out and ended it. In the story I think it also mentioned how gambling addiction leads to the highest suicide rate, something which is truly scary.

Now to put things into perspective I am not, and have never been suicidal and I am not comparing myself to this poor young man. However he saw no way out and I have felt like that in my darkest gambling hours….now I see a little ray of sunshine that I am walking towards. So I won’t gamble my bonus away, or any other money because I don’t want that sunshine to disappear and it will if I gamble. I have tried not to say this however, inside I feel like this is my last chance saloon…If I go back to gambling after making this start I am not sure I will have the heart or the hope in me to try again. My sadness for this young man, and fear that if I go back to gambling one day I may end up in worse darkness than I was already, is stronger than Mr Gamble – he won’t get any more of my money, my time, or my life!

So today my heart goes out to that poor family, I hope some changes happen in the gambling industry to stop this happening again.

Today I will not gamble because I much prefer sunshine over darkness!

Day 54 gf

Had a lovely day so far and looking forward to a nice long weekend...triangle is broken this weekend so able to relax and not think of any gambling!

Today I will not gamble because I'm to busy enjoying my Saturday!

Great post Rosie,

Today I will not gamble because I am too busy enjoying my Saturday.

Keep doing what you are doing and enjoy keep kicking Mr G back into the gutter where he belongs:))

Well done girl on 54 days of winning for real.

Suzanne xxx

Day 55 gf!

Thanks for your post Suzanne,life certainly is better now that me and mr G have parted ways!

Not much to report, have had some thoughts of going to the bingo but this is because after a busy weekend I now have time on my hands and that's how I used to fill it! Will not be going I can fill me time in a much less destructive way!

Today I will not gamble because me and Mr G are no longer friends!

Day 56 gf

Got through yesterday with no bingo or gambling, must admit I have been getting urges lately but having this diary has stopped me getting to the stage where I would gamble! Not sure why I am getting more urges but need to stay strong as I am away next week with laptop in tow! I know I don't want to gamble but my brain hasn't quite caught up with that yet so gambling keeps popping in there! Spent last night reading some diaries on the f&f page and that again put it into perspective and how damaging this addiction can be! I don't want to go back so must keep moving forward however hard it may be!

Today I will not gamble no matter how strong these urges may get!

Day 57 gf

Long day today and feel better as less thoughts of gambling...being busy is the key! The more occupied I am the less I think about gambling so feeling a lot more positive and stronger today!

Today I will not gamble because I am to busy to spend my time and money on it!

Hi, Rose,

Can you install a blocker? We use one of the paid blockers, it doesn't slow the machine and you wouldn't know it's there unless you go for the wrong website.

Well done on the gf days.

CW

Well done on reaching day 57! One day at a time is definitely the way forward! We all get urges from time to time despite however many days we have gone GF but its about looking forward and not looking back! I installed all the blockers I possibly could like K9 on my smartphone etc and still have my girlfriend control my funds today however I am a better person because of that!

Today I will not gamble because my girlfriend spends all of my money nowadays haha!

Day 58 - gf!

Thanks CW for the post - I haven’t installed as firstly I don’t use my mobile to gamble so didn’t see the need for it on there. And secondly the laptop I use is a work one, I am conscious if I install it and something happens to the laptop then i could be in trouble for having it on there. If it was a personal one I probably would have taken a hammer to it by now but have to be careful with it not being mine. Im tying to use the triangle instead and keep it out of my way - I have been fine travelling as I never gambled when on the road so think this is covering that base. If i do start to really struggle then I may have to just install it and hope it never gets discovered on there.

Kchurch - thanks for your post, your last line did make me chuckle, I am glad you have given over control and feel the benefits from it! Good luck with your continued journey of being gf!

Now that I am clear of my little wobble I feel like I can look back and try and figure out what caused it. So basically I think it comes down to my trigger of money. I had some luck money wise (not gambling related) and therefore my brain kicked into gear and thought 'spare money, lets gamble'. Whenever I have had extra money in the past for e.g be it from a bonus or having put money aside for an MOT/service that turned out cheaper than thought then I have always gambled with it. It seems that this thought pattern continued into last week when i had this extra good fortune with money and I feel that caused my wobble. I am proud of myself in a way though because even though the thoughts came, i didnt act on them. As therapy has taught me they are only thoughts, you dont need to act, treat them for what they are. I am also pleased with how I managed to talk through these urges - so If I gambled what would happen? Well one of two things:

1 - I would deposit lots, win lots and then throw it back in and feel like c**P

2 - I would deposit lots, win nothing and feel like c**P

Either way I was able to walk through this whole process and know how bad it would be for me - even my body knew as the thought of gambling filled me with that empty feeling in my stomach. I would have to reset my counter and be faced with the question of ‘ If I don’t stop now, when will I? In 1 years’ time when my savings have gone? In 2 years when I am £10k in debt? Or how about in 5 years when I am in £50k debt?

So I had a little wobble but managed to talk myself through it and I now feel much more grounded again and continue this journey. It shows I still have a lot of work to do in therapy around my reactions to money and will most certainly bring this little wobble up to see if I can get some advice/tools to help if this happens again. Things like this are going to come up, I have a lot to learn and about myself and things to change so that I stay gamble free for life but I am willing to put the work in. I want to stay gamble free and that’s the bottom line.

Today I will not gamble because I am out of my wobble and back on the straight and narrow!

I normally came out with option 1 or 2. Now I stick with option 3. Don't deposit, the end

Well done Rosie, and I 100% agree with tri on option 3 :))) and I know you do too.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Rose,

Thanks for your message. Great to read that you are still going strong. I hope that you have a great day!

Dave X

Day 59 Gf

Thanks triangle and I wished, option 3 is the way to go for sure!

Thanks Dave, it's great to see us both continue to be gf!

Absolutely no thoughts of gambling today, feel positive and strong so will enjoy it whilst i feel like this!

Looking forward to the weekend with some plans in place to keep me busy and happy, life is good!

Today I will not gamble because I have chosen option 3!