It's day one again...

ALN good post hand over all cash, cards etc so you can’t gamble! Put in blockages / self exclude- I found walking into a casino and signing a sheet really “pressure relieving” as it was a positive move and stopped me if I got the urge! Keep posting stay gf.

It's morning. Day 2. Woke up sharp. Had breakfast. Said my prayers. Can't quite shift that awful feeling from last night. It's as if someone's squeezing my heart. there will be no gambling today. Just a peaceful, mindful day. And more changes to he made.

Hi John,
ALN make some great points, but I have one bit of advice. Your wife really needs to educate herself on what being a gambling addict means and how she can best support you. She needs to realise that you saying you want to stop is not enough, as the saying goes "actions speak loud than words". She could call Gamcare or even better get herself along to a Gamanon meeting.

Give yourself the best chance going forward and listen to the advice ALN & Jappy have given you.

Damo

What changes have you made?

It's possible to virtually eliminate your access to cash and gambling with almost immediate effect if you choose to. Putting off what you need to do leaves the door to gambling wide open.

John_89 wrote:

Hi, Im new here. I'm in a very surreal place right now. I thought i had it under control. I didn't. A while ago I had a real rock-bottom moment. Over the summer, but really over a few days in September I lost £3000 (or more as frankly I lost count). I cried, hated myself, felt sick to my stomach... and did again. I was keeping it a secret from my wife for a while. She knew about the past incidents (it all started in 2014) but she thought I was OK. Clearly I wasn't.

I told her again. We both cried, for a couple of hours we were just sitting in a room. There was some silence, a lot of sobbing, anger, despair, words of remorse, promises of change - the entire rollercoster of emotions. This wasn't the first time we went through this but for the first time I heard some words that really scared me. SHe made me realise that if it continued it was going to make me lose my family.

So I stopped. Until today.

Actually there was a time, a couple of weeks ago when I lost £30 pounds in about 5 minutes. It scared so I stopped again.

And in the last two days I managed to lose £350... And now it's all of those too familiar hateful feelings of guilt and despair. The idea that I am so weak, so inadequate, so worthless. I need to get it fixed. I don't want to come near any of those places ever again. but i said that before... and thought that was that.

So right now I'm telling myself I will never do it again. But I can't trust myself. And it's probably the scariest thing of it all. Not being able to trust your own self...

Tomorrow is another day. And right now I'm just hoping it's a good, peaceful, productive one.

Not being able to trust yourself is indeed unsettling. And is the key symptom of addiction.

But you DO need to accept that you can't trust yourself. Your current mind involves clarity one moment but then full on escapism the next. These different mindsets seem contradictory. And they are, or would be if they were happening at the same time. But they're not. One follows the other

But there is a transition between the two. Try noticing the start of the transition, notice the tug. ...but then stand firm and let it wash over. Choose not to go down the rabbit hole...and the impule will pass. If you can't let it wash over then practice just noticing it and standing in between those two awkward states for a moment longer. Keep at it and the imuplses lose bite, and eventually won't bother you at all.

Until you accept, and I mean truly accept (deep down you know the difference), that you are giving up gambling for good, you will never get out of the give up /relapse cycle. And you WILL lose your family.

You need to understand that you are in control of your destiny. It may feel like it is controlling you, and it is right now, but you can turn the tables on it any time. You are stronger than the urge to gamble, you really are. But you have to understand that until you accept gambling is going to play no part in your life until the day you die, you will never rid yourself of it.

I will never forget the feeling of hopelessness that had engulfed me. I had tried everything. Nothing worked. Then one day it just happened. The will to give up was finally stronger than the pull of the gamble itself.

It has been an immense struggle and no doubt will continue to be. But with the enormous help of GAMSTOP I have managed something that I thought was beyond my capabilities earlier in the the year.

Day 3

Productive day. Yesterday's resolve is still there. Going running today. First time in a long while. In starting to fill my days with meaning. Slowly. Gradually! No gambling today.

Day4
All good.

Day 5

Woke up sharp. Enjoyed getting my toddler ready for the day. Had a nice, brisk walk to work. All is good.

Day 7

Skipped a day there but all is good. Working hard and filling my days with meaning. Thats what counts.